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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I began talking to a man online in January. He told me early

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I began talking to a man online in January.   He told me early on he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, living together, not getting married. We're both divorced about 8 years. He's 60and I'm 59. I told him about a month ago I was uncertain how I felt about him. He has now taken my heart. He treats me like a queen. Here is the problem. I noticed from early on that he wasn't picking up his cell phone. When I started staying overnight and spending some time on the weekend, he again wasn't answering his phone. He told me there was a dog he baby sits for a friend. I now find out that this friend is someone he knows 15 years. He bought the dog for her. They had a relationship for two years. Shetarted and still is seeing a married man. Today I asked him what is going on. He said nothing. I said friends don't call every day. I told him to tell her not to call so much. He didn't answer. She is 50 and never been married. She lives near by. What to think
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  RelationshipTalk replied 5 years ago.
Good afternoon,

I'm very sorry to hear of your dilemma.

From a legal perspective, there really is nothing that you can do to prevent him from continuing his relationship with his "friend". That being said, if he hasn't given you any other reason to believe that something untoward is going on, then his failure to answer his cell phone when he is with you may be out of respect for the time he and you spend together.

Many people continue friendships that have survived a decade or more after meeting their true love. And, presuming that there is only a friendship at this point, it may be that she has become dependent upon him for plain old conversation. These types of friends really do sometimes speak on a daily basis. It doesn't automatically mean that there is something going on.

Because there is nothing legally that you can--or for that matter- should do with regard to his relationship with his old friend, you can either see how the relationship works out over time, or if you are fearful that you are being misled, you can chose to issue an ultimatum.

It would be fair that he tell her that he is in a relationship with you at this point. It would seem that if she has been seeing another person, that your new man is not in her sights at this point in time.

Before commingling any funds as a result of this relationship--considering that he has stated a desire to be together with you but not as a married couple, I urge you to enter into a written agreement as regards any financial undertakings you and he might take together--just to be on the safe side and so that each party knows where they stand.

I wish you the best.

Thank you very much for having allowed me to assist you. It would be greatly appreciated if you would click the green Accept icon so that I can receive credit for having assisted you.

Best regards,

Doug

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No, it wasn't always a friendship with this woman. He had an intimate relationship with her for over two years that broke up 5 years ago. I stated that in my question to you that was obviously overlooked. They have not always been just friends, for, as I said, over two years they had a sexual relationship. Now that I brought this to your attention, does your answer change? Short story - they met 15 years ago at work. Who knows when the love afair began, but it ended 5 years ago when she started seeing a married man. Did you actually read what I wrote you?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thanks for returning to Just Answer, it looks like your question was sent to legal at first and that was why the above expert gave a legal answer. It is now in Relationship Advice where it belongs. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am the Mentor in Relationships here on Just Answer. If you can answer a couple of questions so I have a better understanding of the situation I can get started on your answer.

 

How did you find out she was a old girlfriend?

 

Are you living with him now or planning on it soon?

 

How do you feel about them talking?

 

  • Is this a deal breaker for you?
  • Are you willing to allow them to remain friends or is this something that is going to cause problems for you?
  • Are you willing to allow the friendship if you are involved in it (Just like normal friendships)

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Walter. He first told me that he baby sat a friend's dog. I asked him who the friend was. He said Sara. He told me the story. He met her on a job 15 years ago. He's divorced 8 years and Sara has never been married. He's 60, Sara is 50 and I'm 59. Vince said they dated a couple of years (however long that is) and then he found out that she was and still is seeing a married man, who Vince also knows. The captain of the dive boat they use to go on. Even though his job is one hour in one direction and his family 1 1/2 hours in another, he bought a house 10 minutes from her in 2002. He said he bought her the dog in 2002. He said that's around when they broke up. I'm not there that often as I live 1 hour away. When I am, she calls at least twice a day. He doesn't answer. Last week he said she was calling because she needed her kitchen cabinets taken down. He said he thought I might be able to use them in my basement. Right?? She burned him and after all that who knows what is going on. It seems she has no life and is very focused on Vince. He said he told her about me. I'm only hearing one bell. I'm divorced 8 years. I can't be wasting my time. Is he waiting for her? I will wait until about the 1st of next year to decide whether to move in or not. I will rent my house out. He's said he isn't marrying anyone. Well, I guess if we're not married he could just ask me to leave. My intuition tells me there is more than talking going on. I don't know. He says no. About 3 1/2 years ago, a woman lived with Vince most of the time, but did return to her home often. That ended 1 1/2 years ago. Vince said she left to return to her married boyfriend. I told Vince she got fed up with Sara. There have been others. No one stays. He thinks he is the victim. I'm clueless. Sara calls Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings. I can't see myself being her friend. It's one thing if she called once in awhile about watching the dog or to say hi. It's my belief they're in contact if not every day, just about every day. It's a bit much, don't you think? I had an argument with Vince yesterday over it and he wouldn't talk about it. I told him to tell her not to call him on the weekends as it bothers me. He didn't answer me. After the argument he couldn't get rid of me fast enough. He told me his feelings for me remain the same. Well, Walter, what do you think? Carolyn
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello Carolyn,

 

It sounds like he has some feelings for this women, wither they are purely innocent friendly feelings or a longing for what once was only he really knows. I suspect that while he may not be waiting for her, he isn't willing to give up what once was. Often when a man is really deeply in love with a women he will hold onto the past in case something changes.

 

The reality is he likely does love you.......and more then likely wants to be with you forever. But he isn't willing to give up entirely on Sara and for that you need to thread carefully in this relationship.

 

I can not tell you what to do......or even what is best for you. I can tell you that his actions are detrimental to your relationship and in time if he continues you may likely grow to resent him and end up leaving. The fact that he is willing to allow you to be in pain in order to keep up this friendship speaks louder then any of his words.

 

I would suggest sitting down with him and letting him know this is really something that bothers you. I know you have told him before, but its time to do so and explain to him how serious this is. Instead of waiting until next year and then just giving up you need to be honest with him so he has time to deal with this.

 

The fact remains that he will lose another relationship if this continues, but if you wait and say nothing about leaving until next year he does not have time to work this out.

 

I would recommend explaining to him that while you love him, and want to be with him you also can not continue in a relationship where you feel you must play second fiddle to another women. Let him know you are willing to wait while he decides what he wants.....but that in a reasonable amount of time if he has not dealt with this issue then you are going to have to move on in life. This is not giving him a ultimatum, its explaining to him what you need in life and out of a partner.......he must make the choice if he is willing to work on his relationship or allow you to move on.

 

At the end of the day his relationship with this women will effect any new relationship and he must move on. He may want to consider counseling to deal with this problem of letting go so he can learn to grow in himself.

 

Walter

 

 

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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Walter
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Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)