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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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My partner, who I live with, never wants sex any time of day,

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My partner, who I live with, never wants sex any time of day, apart from in the morning. It's not my time of day, but if I want sex at all, that's the only time I can have it. I am very open with him about his fantasies and about masturbation. I will talk to him about his fantasies and "join in" with them. I'm happy for him to masturbate - I actually like watching him - but as long as we are also enjoying good sex together too. My problem is, I'm so frustrated with the lack of quality sex we have. Quickies first thing on a morning usually only get him off. If I get up without us doing anything together, I know he almost always masturbates when I have gone. He says he just doesn't want sex as much as I do and he can't help it- but doesn't want it any time but morning. It hurts me so much cos I know it's not that his sex drive is low...he has an orgasm every day! He's perfectly happy going it alone. I fancy him SO much. I'm so hurt and frustrated. Am I being unreasonable?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


No your not being unreasonable it seems as though you do everything in your power to satisfy him but he isn't showing you that same courtesy as far as your needs are concerned, if he truly cared about you he would compromise and do it when you want to do it along with when and how he wants to do it. What you are going to have to do is sit down and try to set some boundaries as to when to do it and how you want it done. He needs to realize that having sex with someone is not one sided he has gotten so use to masturbating that he is become a some what selfish lover now because he knows he has other options as to how to orgasm. His masturbation is actually harming the relationship instead of enhancing it because he knows that if you do not give it to him he can do it himself without all of the emotion and feelings involved and may much rather do it that way than to do it with you that is why he feels as though he is in control of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and you have to take control of the situation yourself. He may have an obsession with masturbation that is emotionally making him absent from the relationship and if the relationship continues with this you may find yourself without a mate so it's important to talk to him now and not let it get anymore serious.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I have talked to him about it a lot. The latest being only this morning. He says he loves me and doesn't want us to part...and that he will really try. (We have been through this before though, and he'll make the effort once and then we'll go back to how we were.) I have friends who say I should seduce him and make it happen when I'm feeling horny... but I have tried it and he's just not up for it. I actually brought this up today and asked him to confirm that I have got it right...he confirmed that he does not want me to put on my best undies (or whatever) and try to get him in the mood. He has this thing about women in leotards...he's had it since he was a teenager or before. I have no problem with this and, upon his request, went out and bought several. But he seldom asks me to put one on. I get a great response the times we do go down that route....I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've tried to please him. Don't get me wrong - the odd times we do have time for sex, when I am really in the mood - it's fantastic. Even if I'm not really in the mood...I can really accomodate him and like I said, him being turned on gets me going in some measure. But it's just not the same as when you're REALLY in the mood, with body and mind ready for it, is it? I have previously asked him not to masturbate, to try and see if it will make him want sex at other times....and I think he maybe did for a short while (or pretended to), but nothing really came of it. It's so hard living with someone who you love and totally fancy so much...but who you can't "have". I feel so frustrated and hurt....and so undesirable. He says when he is masturbating, he is thinking about me in scenarious (obviously leotard-clad), and so I shouldn't feel like I don't turn him on. I don't suppose you can really help me out with this. I think I just wanted to check that it's not my fault for failing to understand this is just how it is with some men. Life without him would be SO awful...I'd be heart-broken...but life with him is also painful. Do you think I should stop making it an issue...leave him to please himself ...stop "seeing to his needs" and just masturbate myself for a while (to try and keep the edge off the frustration)...and see if that will eventually make him want me more? Am I not helping myself by making an issue of this and also by being so accomodating with him some mornings?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


If both of you were to start masturbating then you both will be filling your voids without the other and that is never good for a relationship. Accommodating him in the mornings means that you too are being accommodated also so don't stopped that aspect of your life because you really have to feel some type of connection with him intimately. I think your mate needs to seek counseling for why he has to masturbate so much when he has someone like you there and willing it could be an addiction to masturbating.

If he is finding it hard to control his masturbating, so much so that it is affecting your relationship then it may be times for him to seek counseling. Especially if he has to masturbating almost daily, it's getting out of control and the enjoyment can be lost or become short lived. It can become a very negative thing if your mate is finding it hard to control it of even stop it once it has gotten out of control. If you are in that place with your mate and want to control how often he is masturbating and have tried and tried in the past only to fail, then you should turn to an approach that has stood the test of time which is either counseling or hypnosis to stop his obsessive masturbation or else he will totally replace you with his masturbation. The hours he wastes masturbating takes away from your life. Those are hours that he could be doing other things like spending that time with you in intimate ways. When he feels the urge to masturbate he should fill that time with something else like going to the gym or hanging with friends this way he saves that energy for you. The reason it doesn't last when he tries to avoid masturbating may be because he has nothing else to fill his time.

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