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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18509
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I dont know what to say or do. My husband and I went into

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I don't know what to say or do. My husband and I went into business with his brother. We put up all the money for the business and his brother works there for his half. I was working there and so was my husband. However, his brother has managed to push my husband and I out of working there. He works there with our manager and we have found out that his brother is having an affair with the manager. Yes, my brother-in-law is married with 2 daughers. Anyway, ever since I quit working up there, I feel as though I have no purpose. I am at home during the day by myself. When my kids are at school and my husband is at work, I feel like just watching tv all day until I have to pick up my kids. I feel like my feelings are being pushed aside by my husband. I have to go to our business to pick stuff up. I tried going in there during the day, but I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. I now go at 5:00am before everyone. I want to screw his brother over the way he has us. But I don't want to hurt my husband. My husband is drinking and lying to me again and I am tired and drained all the time. I find things wrong at our business everytime I go in there. My husband REFUSES to say anything to his brother because he is worried about hurting his brother, but his brother isn't worried about hurting us. My kids don't want to be around their uncle anymore and my husband still doesn't get the picture. Meanwhile I feel like crying all the time and I feel like things are getting worse.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Ravoof replied 5 years ago.
Your question basically has two component to it. One is the relationship component, about how you can handle this situation that you find yourself best. For that I am going to transfer this question to our relationship experts.

Regarding your medical symptoms of feeling like crying and feeling of things getting worse, this could be due to depression. You need to consult with a physician, as soon as possible for anti-depressant medications. Also you can get referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist for therapy.













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Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this frustrating and unhappy situation.

If both you and your husband, and his brother, invested (equally?) in this business venture, his brother should not have the ability to push you out. You mentioned you put up ALL the money for this venture, but your husband's brother works there for 'his half'; did he invest anything?

In any case, you should not be made to feel this way re: the business and if you need to go pick up stuff from there, go when it's convenient for YOU and don't worry about what your brother in law will think, say or do. If you no longer work there, why do you need to go pick up stuff? What is your husband doing now, if he's not working at the business, does he have another job? If you feel he's drinking again and lying to you, you need to have a serious discussion with him, regarding this, and tell him that he's making you feel worthless and under-appreciated. If he has a drinking problem, it might be a good idea for him to go to AA meetings and also, to see a therapist, to help him conquer this addiction.

As far as your feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness, I agree with the doctor, that you need to see your physician and/or a counselor/therapist, to talk out your problems/feelings and see if any anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant medications may help you at this time.

The main thing you have to do now, is discuss your feelings with your husband and tell him that you're upset that he seems to put his brother's feelings before yours. If you can't or don't want to work for the business any more, you can look for another job, even if it's only part time, so you can feel useful and occupied during the day, when the kids are at school. I think, if you're doing something you like, you'll feel much better. Also, if money isn't an issue, you can become a volunteer at any places you know of, in your area, and again, you'll feel much better about yourself, knowing you're helping people.

I hope things work out for you!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My husband does have another job. He is happy to not have to work at our pizza place. When my brother-in-law came to us regarding the pizza business, he was telling us how he wanted us to work there and how great it would be. Every idea that my husband and I had, his brother shot down. His brother is having an affair with the manager and he has given her more power than she should have. She thinks that since she is sleeping with one of the owners, she can buy groceries on the pizza places dime so she can make dinners for my brother-in-law like they are some sort of couple. She wouldn't do or listen to anything that my husband and I would say or ask when we would go in there. His brother has given her too much power to talk back. If I try to say that I am going to fire her for talking back to an owner and not doing what is asked of her, my husband tells me that I should just let his brother handle it. I used to do daycare, then i quit daycare because my husband and brother-in-law REALLY wanted me to work at the pizza place when we took it over. It was a couple of months later then it was suppose to be for taking it over. So I got bored and at the time was not sure how long before we got the pizza place that I went out and got a cleaning job. Two days after getting the cleaning job, my brother-in-law said we were getting the pizza place in one week. I knew that I was going to be putting in TONS of hours there to get it up and running and so I had to call the cleaning company that I signed up with and cancel my employment before I even started because I told her that it wouldn't be fair for her to pay me for a couple of days and then I would have to leave. She completely understood. I worked at the pizza place for 3 months and that was when my brother-in-law started to push my husband out of there and a couple of weeks later I was pushed out of there. I REALLY liked working there and then I was told by my brother-in-law AND my husband that I was better off not working there anymore. Since then my brother-in-law has started drinking at the pizza place with the employees and he is giving the manager that he is sleeping with $20.00 here and there out of the till telling her that she worked hard and deserves it. My husband has me drop off fundraisers for my two son's hockey and baseball teams and that is why I go in there still. Otherwise I would just stay away. My husband does the books for the pizza place, but he does all that from home and he has his other job that he works 4 - 12 hour shifts and it rotates. 2 are day shifts and 2 are night shifts. I am at home and I am limited to what sort of jobs that I can do because my kids are 14 -10 and 8. The 10 and 8 year old go to a school that I have to drop them off and pick them up everyday because they don't go to our elected elementary school. So I am only able to work between the hours of 9 and 2. I am also limited in the job area because my husband has that rotating schedule. So basically I feel like I am stuck. I started volunteering at my kids' school. I did the yearbook myself and I try to help with field trips. But that is all that is available to help with at this time. So that is also limited. Once summer comes it will be a little easier because the kids will keep me busy. But the problem with it is that my husband will be golfing and working and I will be hanging out with my only three friends - my kids. I never get to do things by myself because my husband is always gone. His drinking is spurred by this golf group that he golfs with every Thursday. He doesn't know how to tell them no or to just have a pop. He has one or two beers and then comes home. My problem with the whole thing is that he has those one or two beers just before he leaves the golf course and then he drives home. I have asked him to stop doing that because I don't want him drinking and driving. I found out the other night that my 10 year old son said that my husband told him that sometimes he dreads coming home after golf because he knows he will be in trouble with me. I feel like I am the only sensible person in a sea of children. 4 months ago my husband got 2 bounced checks from the pizza business from the same person. I told him that he needed to call the cops about it because one of the drivers was delivering the pizza to that person and they grabbed him by the arm. My husband has sat on it for this long and yesterday Iwe got another bounced check in the mail from someone else. But that spurred me to ask him if he ever took care of the other ones and he said know that it was no big deal it was only $30. Don't mind the fact that he completely dismissed what happened to the driver. After I told him that he shouldn't have left that and he should have done something, he said it was fine and don't worry about it. I have been working since I was 15 years old and I have been in the place of doing this sort of stuff and it can't be left alone. I feel that my husband and my brother-in-law think that I don't know the first thing about a business. However, as I see all of the things that the two of them are doing in front of my face, I know more than them and I am afraid that we are going to lose everything that we put into it. I tell my husband all of my thoughts and my feelings, but I get know where because he sides with his brother for a fear that he will lose contact with his brother. I say with the lies and the things that he has said and done to the two of us and with the fact that he is cheating on his family with the manager of the pizza place, it is not worth having a relationship with him. How complicated is all of this??? I feel anger and hatred toward my brother-in-law and I feel sadness toward my husband because I feel like I am a business partner, cook, maid, and mother (to him and the kids) and that is all. I feel like the best parts of him left when he divorced his first wife for cheating on him and then the rest of him left when he divorced his second wife for cheating on him with his best friend. His first marriage was his high school sweetheart. They married when he was 18 and then he went into the navy. On the way to boot camp, he found out that throughtout high school she was cheating on him. So he divorced her and then went into the navy. While he was in the navy, he met his second wife and married her. When he went out on the sub for 2 months (that is how long the tours were for the subs), he came back and eventually found out that she had cheated on him with his best friend. I feel like they broke him and I got the pieces. He doesn't want to talk and when he does he gets mad or REALLY sarcastic to me. I am usually a strong person, but this is too much all at once for me to handle.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

I'm so sorry you have all this on your head and feel so 'put upon'; however, you definitely have good reason to feel this way. Your husband is not being supportive at all, and I think you're so right, in your view, that he was broken by his first two marriages and you are left with the pieces.

Your brother in law is taking so much advantage of you both, and if your husband won't stand up for you, as a couple, it will fall to you, to say something to your brother in law. If you and your husband have money invested in this pizza business and it's equal or more than what your brother in law put in, you are part owners and definitely have a say in what's done. Re: the bounced checks: don't accept checks anymore. If the customer grabbed your deliver person by the arm, the delivery person needs to file a complaint with the police, or, as you stated, the owner of the business needs to file a complaint. If your husband and brother in law won't do, you do it.

When push comes to shove, which I think it has, as this situation is escalating out of control, in order to get your brother in law to be more 'helpful' and see things more your way, you might have to let him know in a very roundabout way that it's possible his wife might find out about his dalliance with the manager, and that would be so hurtful to him, her and their kids. It would be a shame, actually. Tell him to fire her. If you and your husband are part owners, you have the right to fire her and hire a MAN with good references (check them) and experience in this business, to be the next manager.

If your husband doesn't seem to 'hear' any of your concerns re: the business and/or his personal life, like drinking at the golf club and then driving home, you both need to see a marriage counselor/therapist to air all your problems and get in person help to resolve them, so you can preserve your marriage. If you are constantly unhappy and frustrated, and I don't blame you, one bit--I agree with you on everything you've stated--you need to take action now, and not let these situations fester any longer. Also, your husband may want to get help in stopping drinking altogether, so he's NOT getting behind the wheel after drinking, which is SO dangerous. Ask him not to discuss anything re: your relationship or the business(?) with your children. He shouldn't have said he was going to be in trouble with you, to your older child. The children should never be privy to problems between the adults (parents).

Going into business with relatives is almost always a dangerous and frustrating experience, and people usually warn against it. Your husband needs to not be so afraid of his brother and tell him like it is. Would you consider asking for the money you invested, back, and have nothing to do with the business? If you're able to do this, you might feel more secure about not losing your money, and have nothing to do with the place.

There's no reason for you to go in there with the fundraisers for your sons; your husband can drop them off/pick them up, and/or you can ask another local business where you shop all the time, if they would allow you to put them in there.

If the kids are going to be home now, for the summer, there's not much you can do re: another job, unless they're going to day camp or have other structured activities, but when school starts again, try to get a job at the cleaning company, again, or another part time job while the kids are in school. Instead of working for a company, could you clean houses on your own, a few times a week, and make your own schedule? You can advertise in your neighborhood, with fliers in stores, on windshields, and/or in your community newspaper.

I wish you much good luck in trying to untangle this big mess; you sound like the only one with a good head on her shoulders and feet planted firmly on the ground, in 'reality'. Your husband and your brother in law are in la la land, not facing the truth. As I mentioned, don't take this on yourself, ask for help from a counselor to help you make an effective plan, to at least safeguard your hard earned money invested in the pizza place, and make your husband see what's going on with the business and your marriage.

Cher

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18509
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you so much for all that you have said. I don't know what I am going to do as of right now. However, I am glad to know that it's not me. That I am not crazy for feeling the way I do. The things that you have said HAVE helped. Now I just need to figure out what I am going to do with all of this mess.

Thanks again!!!

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome. I'm so glad I could be of help.

Thanks very much for your reply and your accept.

No, it's definitely not YOU, and I wish you much good luck finding a solution to this problem that will help you feel better and more confident.

Cher (I'm sending this as a request for information just so you're not prompted to click accept again)

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