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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Is it normal that after 5 year of Marriage, I find myself looking

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Is it normal that after 5 year of Marriage, I find myself looking for someone else? The relationship has been fine, no big arguments or evident problems. I'm afraid that he doesn't have what I need and same way otherwise. I'm a person that has good knowledge of my own needs, but I thinks he just likes to flow with the wind. He's not strong in any opinions or points of view, keeps asking and looking for my assurance on many things, without many friends or hobbies... the worst thing is, I think he's okay with the way his life is, even the way the relationship goes. But I'm not. I feel the need to have a good conversation, share ideas and be able to learn new points of view. He's a really kind person, but maybe my personality is too strong for him. I'm quite confused now. The good thing is we have no kids.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


Many people truly think that opposites attract and that is not always true sometimes they clash and have nothing in common and therefore have nothing to talk about and cannot relate to each other, it's common place to feel lost when you are living with someone for so long that you feel knows nothing about you and feel that you need to get out in order to be yourself but that isn't always the best thing for your marriage. You both may need marriage counseling to see how you can learn each other all over again and learn to better communicate with each other. There are times that your marriage is put to the test but don't give up without seeking some advice. Saving a troubled marriage is not really easy and it can take a lot of effort and work but even if you try and the marriage still doesn't work at least you know you've tried everything and can then leave with a clear conscience.


If you truly want to work on you marriage you need to look way beyond what is obvious. You need to carefully understand the cause of the unhappiness that you feel. If you're not happy anymore because you no longer have that love for your spouse then there won't be much of the marriage left to save. Communication is key to making the marriage stronger or at least telling your husband that you are no longer happy and the reasons you are no longer happy. You must hear each other out, tell him how you feel and then allow him that same courtesy, he says and believes things totally different from what you believe is the problem. Even if you have made up your mind to possibly end the marriage counseling can help you through that process also. He won't know what is bothering you if you do not tell him, this could be part of the problem you think he has known and been married to you long enough that he should know what you want and need from the marriage and it seems as though you live each day feeling like you were living with a stranger. These things can be fixed if you want them to be and save your marriage but you have to be willing to do the work and learn how to communicate and get along better and learn each others wants and needs again, it's not too late to do that.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thanks for your input! I've also considered going to counseling. I believe in therapy, but even though I've suggested it, my husband just doesn't seem to go from accepting verbally to taking action. Why is it that I feel like I'm carrying all the responsibility here? Maybe because I'm the one feeling unhappy? I sometimes feel guilty for pushing and pushing in so many things, like sharing duties at home, having to communicate, or even having sex...
He's very quiet and it takes a loooong time to make him express himself and with strangers, even more. I'll bring the suggestion to go to counseling again, but should I push him to do it or not? I think if I tell him if we don't do it, we'll end up divorcing, but this sounds a bit like an ultimatum. Somewhere inside me I know if we don't seek help, our relationship will not have any future, as I'm not satisfied and can't see myself investing more years into it. How do you suggest that I approach the counseling without sounding pushy?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


Counseling may be your only option now so yes push him to go and if giving him an ultimatum gets him to counseling then do so. The counseling may be able to figure out why he is so quiet and not able to express himself, this counseling can help so many aspects of your issues also.

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