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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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In a relationship if the Man is lying and you forgive him.

Customer Question

In a relationship if the Man is lying and you forgive him. Then he begins lying again, but tells you he will never do it again. Will he and why? Is there a way to deal with the lying so that the relationship is saved?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How long have you been together?

 

-Has he always lied to you or is this something that started happening recently?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We have been together for almost three years. This is the 2nd or 3rd X he has lied. The thing is we don't live together, the last time he lied was about a year ago. I was unable to see him everyday, my child needed help with homework. I could not always be with him. He hates being alone, so he told me he was going to "date" but only as friends. This way he didn't have to sit home alone. I agreed but was very clear that I did not want him having sex or that type of relationship. He told me it would be just friend hanging out. He went online to a datingsite, which he told me about. My friend didn't trust him, so she went on the site to see what he really was doing...what she found was he was looking to have sex not just friendship. So, when I asked himabout the site and what he was doing he lied. I told him what my friend did..he came clean and cry asking me to please believe him. I did and forgave him. He told me he was off the sites and would sit home and wait. My childs grades impoved and summer came so we had more time together. He lost his job in Aug.last year and moved back east for a job. I became ill with Cancer and was in treatment. I could not go with him. We agreed to stay together and if it got to much for him he could begin dating. We would just have to see what happened between us. After only one month he stop texted me in the morning and taking my calls at night. I asked him if he was dating.. he said No. I asked if he was online.. He said no. I know it's wrong but I went on and found him once again. So I asked again and told him it would be ok and that I understood...so he told me about one site and one date..then I asked about the other and he kept lying saying no only the one. So I sent him a mail on all the sites letting him know I knew..he cryed and said if I forgive him again he will never lie again.I told him the only way that would work is if he told me everything he has lied to me about He will not do that he just wants me to forgive him and start off new. I love him very much and I think if we were together he won't need anyone and we would be fine. I just can't get passed the fact that he keeps lying.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It's seems like your boyfriend has repetitive behavior where he does good for a while and then goes back to his same ways. He may be incapable of telling you the truth he seems to lie when it's to his advantage and doesn't care if his lying hurts you. If he isn't completely honest with you no matter whether it will make you mad then the two of you will never have a healthy and honest relationship especially if he is lying about dating other women. For you to be able to trust him he has to come completely clean about what he has been doing while he has been away from you. He may also need to get some counseling for his lying because it's starting to become common place for him now. If you plan on staying with him then you have to set some boundaries as far as his dating other people if you truly do not like him dating then tell him that and don't just give in because you think it's best. You have to put your foot down as to what you want and give a time limit for him to move closer to you because if things are bad now the worse it will get because he is so far away from you and if he already had an issue with being alone when he lived near you. What you should do is write down some boundaries and rules and then ask him to prove to you that he is worth you forgiving him and make one of the guidelines no more internet dating and dating other people, tell him you want an exclusive relationship if that is what you want. He is asking for your forgiveness without proving that he deserves it make him prove to you that he will live up to your expectations.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Let me give you what he sent to me in an email.I have no idea how to respond to this.....

He wrote his to me after I sent him an email.

Agreed, it sure is sad. I really would be happy for the rest of our lives if I could actually be with you. I'm sorry I continuously hurt you, never my intention .. in fact, just the opposite. But if you cant let by gones be by gones and move on from today, with a new understanding and design .. without a constant bombardment of every little detail from the past .. then we do have a problem. And if "WE" can not continue to exist, I will miss you terribly as well .. but, you have had me missing you for quite a long time now. As far as finding someone new to fill my life with love and joy? Don't think I ever will again. I'll just stick to playful friends, thank you. Looks like you'll be able to share all those things I taught you about your sexuality (that you say your happy to have found) with someone else. You wont always be sick, you'll get better .. then you'll need companionship too. Your 100% right .. you ARE a great catch! You'll finally have to use that stick you talk about to beat them all off. Really sucks that I'll miss out on the "new you" that we've developed together!
I did not want this situation to occur. In my different frames of mind, I had always hoped to just get thru our separations somehow and to finally be together always .. and sooner rather then later. It's always later! I still hope we can get past this and continue to work on a future together. From this day forward, I can promise to always be on the "up and up" with whatever we choose the design to be and to always show you respect... but I will not type you an itemized list of any past faults whether they are true or just in your head. You no longer believe anything anyway. As much as I understand love .. I know I love you more then I have ever loved anyone before. I trust as much as my current self allows me too. I know there is room for me to grow in both areas. You've already taught me much and I know you could teach me more. I don't know where we go now....that's your call sweetness. William, Billy, Idiot and fool in love.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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KimberlyF
KimberlyF
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Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com