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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21303
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years. My boyfriends

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years. My boyfriend's mother does not like me. She says that she respects me, but I don't believe her abut that because every time I want to explain my feelings toward a situation, she says that I don't have a right to tell her anything because I'm just her son's girlfriend and there are so many things that I want to tell her. But because I'm a no body to her, I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

If your boyfriend's mother doesn't 'recognize' you as an important enough person in her son's life, and doesn't allow you to speak, I would stop trying.

Tell your boyfriend that you would like to decrease your trips to his mother's house, or get-togethers with his mother, if she can't show you respect. Let your boyfriend see his mother as often as he likes, but you don't have to be included. When his mother asks where you are, let him tell her that although she may 'say' the words indicating she respects you, she doesn't treat you with respect and you would rather not be insulted in that way.

It might be a good idea to write her a long letter, telling her all the things you've wanted to say, which she wouldn't allow you to say. I agree, this is a very frustrating situation, but you should always be permitted to express your opinion about something, as long as it's in a respectful way.

If she considers you a 'nobody' after you've been part of her son's life for 15 years, and you obviously make him happy, she's not worth trying to talk to. You've done all your trying already, and you don't have to beg her to listen to you. Maybe she feels you'd be more of a 'somebody' in her eyes, if you were her son's wife? I don't know what your situation is, or why you haven't married after all these years, but that's not really relevant. She's not treating you properly or with respect, at all, so she shouldn't have the pleasure of your company.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
My boyfriend has a disability (epilepsy) as do I. (I am wheelchair bound) and she thinks that I am not good for him because I am wheelchair bound, but we work it out. Besides, I kept her son off the streets when his family put him out because I did not want to see him get hurt because no one would understand his disability. When my boyfriend and I were just friends, she treated me with all the respect in the world, now that our relationship is heading in a new direction, she not showing me so much respect.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

Yes, now your situation sounds familiar, as I had sent you some answers to your questions, in the past.

Your boyfriend's mother is afraid of several things; first, she feels if you become more than boyfriend/girlfriend (in other words, get married), you will be her daughter-in-law, and then her relationship with you will HAVE to change. I think she's also afraid that if you and her son do get married, he may not see his mother as often. You know, parents of disabled children are very overprotective, and they often feel THEY are the only ones who can take proper care of their children (even if they're adults). I think you've done a marvelous job of helping him and loving him and if his 'family' (including his mother?) put him out, what kind of a mother/person is she? That's just terrible!

If she's 'prejudiced' against you because you're wheelchair-bound and her son is also disabled, if you've been working it out, I don't see what her problem is with the two of you, being a couple. It certainly sounds like you've both beat the odds against you and you're doing very well. You have a very strong spirit, and if you hadn't been an influence in his life, he WOULD be on the streets. You can't exactly say this to her, you still have to show respect, but you can allude to it, when she next gives you trouble. She doesn't sound like a very smart woman, which is a shame, if she might one day be your mother-in-law.

She sounds like the type of person that will only see things her way, no matter what you say, so just try not to spend so much time with her, if possible.

I wish you and your boyfriend much good luck!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
My boyfriend and I were just talking and what we think is that ever since his mom threw him out, he lost some respect for his mother and now his mother is having a hard time accepting the fact that she messed up and I stepped in to take care of him for that time period.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again,

I totally agree. She's embarrassed that she didn't support her son and she did mess up! And YOU did a wonderful job when she threw him out. Of course he lost some respect for her. She also must've hurt him badly when she acted in such an uncaring way. Thank goodness he had/has you!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
But I'm not going to let her disrespect me just because she thinks she can.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Oh no, definitely not! I mentioned that in my first response. You deserve all her respect, and more, so continue to act in a way that will command respect, and she should see you in a whole new light. Just remember, she *is* your elder, and you need to be respectful, but she, too, needs to be respectful of you, her son's girlfriend (almost fiancee?) who loves him and has done so much for him.


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