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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20851
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Wife says she cant stand sight of me my touch makes here skin

Resolved Question:

Wife says she cant stand sight of me my touch makes here skin crawl. But yet I gave her an intimate massage just last week. She says she has no emotions left for me and does not love me. We got into a big fight she said she hates me. She is willing to go to counseling. Can or marriage survive. She feels betrayed by me I did not have an afair but was looking at porn. She has had issues with sex with me fot the past year.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello,Customer and thanks for your question.

How long have you been married?

What are your ages?

For how long have you been looking at porn? Was it online?

What sort of issues has she had with sex with you, over the past year?

Had your sex life been satisfactory for both of you, in the time before the last year?

Besides the sexual part of your marriage, how do you get along in general?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Im 37 she is 35 We have been married 11 years together 13. I have been looking at porn the last 7 years online no chat room stuff. Sex was realy good when we first met for at least the first 5 years of marriage. There were times when I pushed her to have sex when I should of left her alone she is very resentful of this says feels like I raped her. She was raped when she was 14.

We have 2 kids 4 and 2. Sex really dropped off after 2nd. We would probably have sex once a month.

In general we were best friends never argued over anything serious always forgave if we did. Had same like and dislikes. I tried to help her out as much as I can with kids chores etc. but I'm afraid I have emotionaly neglected her so now she says for the past year she loves me but not in love with me and actually would not care if I had an affair to meet my sexuall needs. I would never do this..

She initiated the last sex sesion we had 2 months ago. We always seemed to be very compatable but she feels the chemistry is gone and the image she had of me is shattered due to the porn viewing.

Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

Very often, after having a baby, a woman will not feel like having sex as often as she used to, due to both emotional and physical changes, and also because she's exhausted. Having two children under the age of 5 is most certainly taking a toll on you both. I'm glad (for you) to hear that she initiated the last sex session you had, about 2 months ago, so she was 'in the mood' and you must have been very happy about that.

The porn can be viewed by her, as akin to having an affair, because you're looking at and fantasizing about, other women, besides her. She feels hurt that you have a 'need' to do this, and this makes her feel she's not 'enough' for you. Everyone's sex drive is different, and hers, as I mentioned, was most likely decreased, after having the second baby, and she's exhausted all the time. She also may be suffering from some postpartum depression, which started soon after your second child's birth, and has never really resolved. This may be contributing to her saying that she is no longer in love with you and wouldn't mind if you had an affair, as a sexual outlet. She also may have said that because she doesn't want to feel 'forced' by you, to have sex, and if she was a victim of sexual assault as a young teen, you need to be mindful and respectful of that. I also think she's exhibiting this 'apathy' toward your relationship, because she's just tired of having to 'compete' with the porn.

You mentioned that she would be willing (and I assume you would, also) to see a marriage counselor, and I think this is an excellent idea. If she didn't want to try to save your marriage and re-ignite your relationship, she wouldn't have agreed to this, so I think you should take advantage of that, and find a marriage/couples counselor in your area, and make an appointment.

If you were once very compatible, shared the same likes and dislikes, and enjoyed a satisfying sex life, it seems encouraging that you could rediscover these seemingly lost traits in your marriage, with the help of a professional counselor, and hopefully, things will improve.

Try to take this next step, see a counselor, and I hope you can uncover the love you once shared. No doubt, you will stop viewing porn online, and that will demonstrate to your wife, that you are serious about wanting to make this marriage work, and she is the love of your life.

I wish you both much good luck!

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