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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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My boyfriend had been on an off for a year. He then again

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My boyfriend had been on an off for a year. He then again broke up with a month ago. But he still text me that he loves me and misses me. When he call he would tell me that he got out of a bad divorce that he doesn't want to be committed and that he is still doing some soul searching. He also said that even he wanted to have a gf it would be more me more than anybody else. I'm so confused.. Please help!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello

What are your ages?

Did he tell you this about the divorce before he started dating you?

Why did he break up with you?

What is your question?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I'm 30 and he is 41. When we first started dating he only said he was divorced. Couple months into it he told me the specifics. I guess I have to tell you the whole complete story maybe it will help.

My boyfriend P n I first met about a year ago at my work. I was poker dealer n he was one of the players. We dated for a couple months n broke up because he said wasn't ready for a relationship. I was upset but of course after a couple months I accept it. One day when I was @work, there was a guy name J who was another player @casino ask me if I was P's ex. I was curious n ask him how he knew. J had said that he saw P n I together b4. I had numerous time ask J if they were friends. J always told me that they just playing poker n had some drinks @casino bars together n nothin more. After a short period of time J n I became friends. J then express 2me that he always liked me but he never approached me bc he was married @d time n I was involved w P. When J n I hung out he would always told me how P never had anythin nice 2 say about me. I was angried but tried not 2 think about it. Then one day @ work I saw P. My feelins never went away for him then out of nowhere in front of me this beautiful girl came in and kissed P. I was devastated. J saw d the whole thing n told me that P was practically in love w that girl. I felt like a knife stabbed in my heart. At that x J was my support n I either out of sympathy or resentment I gave J a chance. I thought I should move on and give d nice guy a chance. I still let J think that he might not have a chance bc I wasn't ready 4 a relationship. I was confused, I didn't want 2 let J down. But I slept w J. Sex n physical attraction is somewhat important 2 me. J couldn't satisfied me in this way. So I told J that we should be platonic n nothin more. after this J became resentful n told P everything. 1 nite I was @work P came in n came up to me n told me how messed up I was 2 slept w his friend. I ask P what he was talkin about n he said that J was his friend how could I do that. After all this I found out they were friends. J had lied about their friendship n manipulated me. P never talk bad about me n never raved about that girl like J said. But because J liked me so much he manipulated me. I don't even know if I was was in denial or just blinded 2 not realized that they were friends. Anyways for some odd reason P wanted me back we dated for 6 months on n off. Bc P said he never wanted to b committed w anyone but he wanted 2 b w me. But the thought of me being w his friend was unbearable 2 him. Recently he broke up w me a month ago. He said that he can't b committed n give me what I want. N don't want 2 b selfish even tho he said that he never had anybody that he felt more intimate w. He n I agree that our sex life is very compatible. He said that he was married for 15 yrs he divorced his wofe bc she cheated. Now that he single he enjoy his life that he still doing some soul searchin. Which is fine only if it was that simple. Even now that we broke up he still calls me when he's drunk. He said unfortunately he's an honest drunk. So when he's drunk he would text me n call how much he miss me n love me. Some x when he is not drunk he will text me things like have a nice day or how he miss me. Or he'll say like "I don't think I can be w any other girl but me." How does this make sense 2 me?

Just again last 9 he called me 3 x's I didn't pick up. He left me a voicemail saying that my voive sounds cute on d message. Telling me that he love me to death nad that he will always miss me his whole life. But he wants me 2 b able 2 find a guy that not an asshole like him bc I deserve it. He tell me take care of myself n talk 2 me later.

I know I read so many articles saying that he is trying 2 let me down easy. But this is not d first x he express this. N it's been a month since we broke up so he doesn't have 2 keep saying right?

 

I know this is a long n complicated situation. But I have spent money on countless books that is 2 general 4 my problem. Please help!


Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

MsChase asked me to take over yoru question. Yes it is a very complicated situation because he didn't go into the relationship wanting a serious relationship but after time he fell for you and doesn't know how to deal with his feeling since he doesn't want a serious relationship and he doesn't want to tie your down waiting for him to be ready. If he didn't fall for you he wouldn't have been upset if you were dating "J" but it hurt him which means he had stronger feelings than he knew he would have for you seeing someone else. I don't think he means what he says about moving on because it would really bother him if you did and it would bother him to see you with someone else. He is trying to put on the brave face but you can tell by the way he said he would miss you so much and that he loves you to death that he caught feelings for you when he didn't expect to.

 

What you need to do and figure out is how much longer you are willing to wait for him and if it will be worth it to wait, you need to also be completely honest about how "J" manipulated you into thinking that "P" didn't care about you and was in love with another girl and that the reason you slept with "J" was because you were hurt that he had moved on so quickly. Tell him how J said that they were not friend and that they just played poker together. Don't allow "J" to make you take the blame when it was his fault for lying about "P" and him being friends and the things he said "P" said about you. Tell him how you feel about him and that you wish he would give your relationship a chance. This will give him food for thought and maybe he will throw caution to the wind and give it a try but you have to be completely honest about EVERYTHING.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kimberly:

 

Wow I think you do give very good advice. I just was wondering if you can give me a little bit more specific advice. The situation w J in reality is old news. P still went back with me after that n dated for about 5 months before we finally last broke up. I guess what my questions really is.... I know some ppl say that bc P is just trying to let me down easy by saying that he stills has feelings for me. Is this true? But we already broke up for about a month why would he feel the need to still say it? I guess what I am trying to ask is that does P still love me and why does he not want to b with me. Should I wait?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Also is there anything I can or should do to trigger his emotions. That maybe if I can do something I could do 4 him to realize what I mean to him and that he should be with me. And not risk losing me 2 someone else? Why does he want me meet someone better than him if he loves me? I'm so confused!!!!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

By his action I believe that it's not true he genuinely has or had feelings for you but doesn't think it is fair for you to have to wait for him. It's not that he doesn't want to be with you he just doesn't want a relationship, he has issues because of his wife cheating on him and all of the wasted time in the marriage and this is why he doesn't want commit he is afraid and he will have to work on that possibly with the help from a counselor he can work through that. He is crippling himself with fear that someone else will cheat on him in time. I believe he does have love for you but afraid to give himself completely to you, the only way he will get past this is to get help with dealing with what his wife put him through so he doesn't lose out on someone who genuinely loves him and wants to be with him. 15 years is a long time to me married only to have it fail and be hurt in the process. Only you know how much you are willing to take and how long you are willing to wait for him to be ready, you don't want to find yourself waiting many years for him to be ready only to find out that he will never be ready to give his heart completely to someone again. He wants you to move on so that he isn't hurting you any longer by not committing to you, it's an unseflish thing he is doing but he is doing more harm than helping you and until he can realize that unfortunately it is going to be a vicious cycle.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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