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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18671
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have a friend that has a girlfriend and theyve been dating

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I have a friend that has a girlfriend and they've been dating for like 2 months. Anyway, she is willing to have safe sex with him but he refuses. He told me that there were a number of times where he tried to play a game of footsie with her and she didn't want to. He thinks it's weird that she is willing to sleep with him but not play footsie. I could understand his frustration. He says if things don't change, the relationship might be over. I mean, why would she not play footsie with her boyfriend when she is willing to make love? He's told me he's seen pictures where couples are laying in bed and they rub their feet against each other. I think he wants to experience that. I find it odd she would not give in to it.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Straus,

Has he asked her what the issue is?

Is this such an issue with him that he's willing to break up with her?

What are their ages?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes he's told her it's a problem but I guess she has just kind of blown it off so far. And yes, he said he will break up with her if she doesn't help sove it. My friend is 23 and she is 22. I support my friend in this because I don't understand why she wouldn't do that with him. She's willing to have sex, so what's the harm in rubbing feet? Doesn't make sense to me.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,Customer

I see you relisted your question because you hadn't yet received an answer, so I hope I can be of help.

It does sound weird that she would be willing to have safe sex with him, but not rub feet with him, however, some people are ultra-sensitive about their feet; she may have a problem she doesn't feel comfortable discussing with him, like chronic foot odor (this has an underlying medical basis), callouses which make her feet rough to the touch, sensitivity or pain in her toes/feet, etc.

Unless she shares with him what the problem is, he will never know, but she may be embarrassed about discussing this with him, and the more he pushes, the more upset she becomes. She just may not like the sound of it, or doubts it will be pleasurable.

If he is considering breaking up with her over this, he should think about all the things that attracted him to her in the first place, and rethink it, if he really wants to keep seeing her. It might come out eventually, why she refused to do this, but honestly, I don't think it's a reason to break up with someone you like and are attracted to. If they do get physical, wouldn't he see/feel her feet, anyway?

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

First, thank you for replying. It is a touchy subject with some people. My friend still likes her as a friend but I don't think they click on the romantic level because they don't agree on a physical level. Its true that he might see/feel her feet anyway, but it's not the same. If you ever seen the movies, "The Sum of All Fears," or "Maximum Overdrive", there's a scene in both of those movies where a guy and a girl rub their bare feet against each other. Do you know the scenes? I think it's a fantasy of my friend and I think it's really sweet, but sad that he hasn't found a girl yet. I think he should be patient and keep looking until he finds a girl that he likes, she likes him, and they both agree on the fantasy. The bigger question I have, do you think it will be hard for him to find a girl that would do it? He is nice, attractive, but kind of on the shy side. My boyfriend is very outgoing and it was easy for him to find friends.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and you're most welcome for the reply.

If your friend doesn't feel he clicks with this girl on a romantic level because the physical aspect is clouded by this issue, then I don't see much of a future for the relationship progressing to a higher level.

I have not seen those movies recently, so I don't recall those scenes, but I own them, so I will check them out.

If this is a fantasy of your friend, then there's no reason why he shouldn't find a girl to oblige, if they both agree. I think he should concentrate on finding a girl that he connects with on many levels, gets to know well, and mentions this fantasy to, up front, to gauge her feelings on the subject. I don't think it's so far out of the ordinary, that it should cost him a relationship, if it has a solid foundation.

If he is on the shy side, then he should take some pointers from your boyfriend, and try to act more outgoing, so he will make more friends easily, and meet more girls whom he would like to date.

I think he may be putting too much emphasis on this particular fantasy, even though he's entitled to enjoy it, if he finds it pleasurable, and it's important to build a successful relationship on a multi-faceted foundation, including compatibility, friendship, honesty, communication, and yes, the physical is important. In other words, I don't think he should 'lead' with this request/fantasy, if he's serious about finding a nice girlfriend.

I have an idea for your friend: why doesn't he rent those movies and watch them with a girl he will date, and comment on that particular scene, then see her reaction. If she agrees it's sexy and she'd like to try it, great; if she says she'd never do that, etc., then he'll know how she feels, right off the bat.

I hope he finds someone with whom he can build a successful relationship, and who will join him in indulging this fantasy.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes I don't think he has much future with the girl. I think they're better just being friends and he should work on being more outgoing. Do you have any good ideas for that would make it easier for him to meet people? Sometimes crowds aren't that easy as some people say they are. And not puttany too much emphasis on the fantasy sounds like the right solution, just be patient with it. I think rwathing those movies with a girl he's dating is a perfect idea, but I don't think he should ask about the scenes until he knows that she's comfortable with him? Since you own them, could you watch one or both of the scenes and let me know what you think about them? The one in Sum of All Fears is near the beginning and the one in Maximum Overdrive is like just over half way through. I'd be happy to accept your response later with baXXXXX XXXXXke $15-$20, since you have been a great listener on this subject. My friend is afraid to even talk about it with the wrong person because he knows some people find it weird, but I know it's not since it is a much common thing.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

I think the best way to meet people is to just be yourself, and if he is a little shy, he can work on being more outgoing in other areas of his life, first, like work, school, with friends, etc., and not change his personality, but just work on having more confidence, so the people he's interacting with, will see this. A woman feels good around a confident (but not cocky) man; in other words, he shouldn't overdo it, just be natural and friendly. Remind him, women are just people who are looking for relationships with a nice guy, too, but you have to find compatibility on several levels. You usually know if you click with someone or DON'T click with them, pretty quickly. There's nothing to be afraid of, just tell him to act naturally and try to be more confident in the type of person he is and what he can offer a woman, re: friendship, fun, etc. I'm sure he's a nice guy!

I will try to watch those scenes in the movies today, and get back to you. I understand why your friend would be afraid to broach the subject with just anyone, as it is not a common subject/problem, but I don't find it weird at all, so I'm glad I am able to understand where he's coming from, and be of help. It's kind of you to offer to increase the value of the question.

I'll respond again, in a little while.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes that is a very good point in not changing who you are. I think he will be able to meet people in school just like anyone else, it just might take a little more work on his part. Sometimes I think he takes things personally when the other person is just kidding around, so I think that might be an area that needs help. But then again, you don't click with everyone! And thanks for checking out the scenes. Let me know which one you think is better done.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

You must have ESP! : ) I just watched the scene from Sum of All Fears. I can't find the other movie right now, so, I can only comment on that one. I really can't understand what this girl was afraid of. Maybe it was the way your friend presented it to her? Or maybe he did take what she said about it, too personally, when she was just joking, if you say that's how he is. The rubbing of their feet just seemed to be part of the lovemaking. It was sexy, the way the camera caught it, but if you had asked me, after seeing the entire movie, if I remembered that scene, I would most probably say 'no'.

It *doesn't* make sense that she would agree to have sex with him, after knowing him two months, but rubbing feet, turned her off or made her afraid. Well, it takes all kinds, and as I mentioned, if this was a contentious part of the relationship, then they really aren't compatible.

I think when he gets to this point in his next relationship, when they're both ready to get physical, he shouldn't say anything to the woman re: playing footsie/rubbing feet; he should just do it, and if she reacts badly (which I doubt), or is surprised or asks what he's doing, he can explain how it's something he likes to do because he finds it sexy and makes him feel closer to the woman, while they're making love, and leave it at that.

He sounds like a nice guy, and I hope everything works out well for him in the future.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you again for checking out their scene. Even though that scene was brief, it was really nice how the camera caught it. My friend like how they created a sandwich with their feet, I think that's exactly how he wants to do it. And no you would'nt remember the scene after watching the whole movie, but he can always point it out while watching it with a girl. Just one last thing. I think not asking whethere to rub feet or not is good, because it might turn it off but he doesn't want to do it just anywhere. And I know he wants to do it when both of them are in bare feet, so if she's wearing socks, it might be kind of random if he reached down and tried to take them off. I would think asking at that point might be better, what do you think?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome.

I think, if the situation were right and they were getting romantic, he could reach down and try to remove her socks, in a slow, sexy way, if it seemed alright with her. He might say: 'may I remove your socks?', just so she feels comfortable and if it would make him feel more confident.

Watching the movie with the girl he's with, and commenting on that scene, would be a good 'introduction' to what he wants to do, later, especially if she agrees that it's sexy to do in bed.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18671
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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