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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been involved with a married man for about 4 months.

Resolved Question:

I have been involved with a married man for about 4 months. I've know this person for about 20 years, he is a man of high integrity and I had not seen him 15 some years. His wife is ill and was given 2 years to live. Now on top of all that he just told me he is bi-sexual. We have not had intercourse but engage in oral sex. He is 10 + years older than me. I never thought I would be seeing a married man (stayed together for the children) because of my christian beliefs, but I feel he is worth the wait. But now with this new revelation, it's almost more than I can take. He said when it's our time to be together, he would be faithful to me. He and the wife made an agreement that he could see other women for sex, but she didn't want to know about them or learn about them through others. She doesn't know he is bi. I am in love with him, but the thought of him being with a man, is too much. He said he is too old to pursue that lifestyle anymore, but he wanted to be completely honest. Help!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

Are his children adult now?

Do you have children?

Why have you not had sex?

What are your ages?

Is he getting a divorce?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes, his children are adults with their own families. I have one son at home, he is 16 and a daughter away at college, she is 19. We have not had opportunity to be alone for more than 1 hour and that is in a car. We live in a very small rural town and we are both fairly well known. He is 62 and I'm 51. No, he is not getting a divorce, his wife is severely diabetic, rheumitoid arthritic, and has one kidney, no gallbladder or spleen and is obese. He feels that she would give up living if he were to leave. He takes care of the house cleaning and all the things she is unable to do.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for that information. What is your question exactly?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Wow, can't believe I didn't hone in on that bit of information. I was so caught off gaurd by what he shared with me, totally blew me away. But, he felt I needed to know his secret because of how he feels about me and the trust factor we have going. I just don't know if I can feel the same way I did before he told me. Will time change all that? I asked him if he would be faithful to me, his answer was yes. He doesn't want to live the alternative lifestyle or pursue it. I am just not certain I will feel the same over time. Should I hang in there and see what happens. This is like a tripple whammy. He's married, he's bi, what next! He told me when we first started talking that he would never hurt me, this hurts. I had trust issues with my first marriage, and that was with other women. Now men and women! Should I keep going on with this or simply end it? He has other wonderful qualities, he is educated, talented and I have much to learn from him. Thanks!

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,


I apologize I took so long, I stepped away for a moment. Wow, I will say that is a LOT to deal with in a situation that is already fraught with issues. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is you have to be true to yourself and what you know to be your ideal of a man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. On one hand, only you can know how trustworthy he is, still...you've known him for 20 years and it sounds like you would have never guessed this truth if given a hundred chances.


It's hard when you find someone who is good and has a good heart...someone you feel you can share and care with. By the same token, here is someone who has admitted an attraction to men as well as women, he's not being faithful to his wife, regardless of circumstance. I just don't feel that he can predict what type of lifestyle he will live or will want to live in the years to come. Just the fact that there is a possibility he could find another man attractive is scary.


Remember you are talking about a man whose wife gave him permission to be unfaithful. You didn't say whether he took advantage of that permission, but realize his beliefs may not be the same as yours, and what he considers normal, may not be what you consider normal (obviously). So it's going to be about what you are willing to sacrifice or compromise on. If you are not willing to compromise being with a man who is strictly attracted to women, then he may not be the guy for you.


My personal belief is that if a man is attracted to or sleeps with men, then he is gay. Again, that is my personal opinion. I think that a man that is attracted to other men, will eventually want to be with a man or other men as he gets older, I don't think it's something he can just 'switch off'. Ultimately, this is a decision you have to make, using not just your heart, but your mind and your women's intuition. What is your stomach telling you? What is your soul telling you? Listen to that feeling in your stomach and if it's telling you "girl something is just not right" then I swear, something is not right. God gave all women the gift of perception, we just have to learn to listen to it and stop thinking that we can change a man or that he's capable of more than what he shows us.


I hope this helps and I welcome your thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk more.


Warmly


Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He was with a man about a year and a half ago, but also with a woman too. He told me when he was in the army he would look at other men showering and saw some beautiful pieces and before that when he was in high school too. Wondering what it would be like to be with them. But said he was still attracted to women, mostly women and would only be with a woman. My gut is telling me this isn't right and I would allways be wondering what he was feeling. I feel heartsick!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Its one thing to be totally honest with someone about your life and lifestyle because I'm sure he did not have to tell you that if he wanted to keep it to himself. I wonder if he is telling you because he wants to be honest or if he's preparing you. The fact is you will never know and as you said, you will always wonder if he's looking at someone in 'that' way. If he was with a man a year or so ago, then the possibility is always there that he would return to one. I'm sorry I don't have a good spin to put on this one, it's totally your choice to decide if you have room in your life to compromise for this. You may have to pass on this and see if someone more fitting to what you need in your life comes along. :( I'm always here if you want to talk, just as for Ms Chase. My thoughts are with you.
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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