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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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M. and I have an adult daughter. He abandoned us at her birth,

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M. and I have an adult daughter. He abandoned us at her birth, and has been in and out of our lives (because I allowed it) several times over the years. He has only half-heartedly tried to cultivate a relationship with his daughter who has suffered greatly because of his neglect. He is back and seeking a relationship with me again. I don't want to set myself and my daughter up to be hurt again. Part of me thinks I should leave well enough alone; he has been away for three years, and my daughter and I have done well without him. I don't want to shut him out completely, though, since he is her father. My instinct is to work on having a friendly relationship. He wants more, and is more concerned with getting his needs met than with opening himself up to his daughter. Am I fooling myself to think a friendship would work now, and might lead him to try to establish a relationship with his daughter in time? I told him that we come as a package deal, he thinks I'm too protective of her.

Hello,

 

The fact that he is putting his personal needs over top what is best for his daughter is a big tell tell that a friendship thing isn't going to work well with him. Since he has spent the last several years not concerned about her feelings, what makes you think anything is going to change? The fact is he is one of those fellows who cares more about himself then about anyone else and that includes you and his daughter.

 

Sadly he isn't likely going to change regardless of what you do or try. The fact is his choices, are his choices and you can not force him to do the right thing no matter what you try.

 

You and your daughter are moving on, and inviting him back into your lives to hurt you again is simply not a good idea. Of course I can not tell you what to do.........only you know what you want out of life.

 

I would suggest sitting down and talking with him. Let him know you are weary of him due to his past actions. If you really want to give a relationship a try I would suggest telling him you can start this as a friendship and see where it goes. This gives him the opportunity to make the changes he needs to make in order to win you back. If at the end of the day you know you do not want to be with him then now is the time to be honest. Explain to him that there is to much pain from his past choices and that while you are OK with being friends you are not interested in anything more. This puts the ball back into his court..........if he really has changed then he will accept this and stay a part of his daughters life, if not then you are far better off to know it now then in a year when your heart is invested again.

 

Walter

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