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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18647
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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why does she get away with the behavior my sister-in-law gets

Resolved Question:

why does she get away with the behavior? my sister-in-law gets away with not cooking for husband's brothers. I do not think is fair because she is suppose follow spanish traditions.

MY HUSBAND DOES NOT GET MAD AT SANDRA FOR NOT COOKING, BUT HE GETS MAD AT ME, IF DO NOT COOK FOR HIS BROTHER. WHY DO YOU THINK HE IS BEING BIAS? SANDRA IS FROM CHILE, I AM FROM EL SALVADOR

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,Customer and thanks for your question.

Are you all living in the U.S., now?

Do you live together in the same household?

Is Sandra married?

Thank you for any additional detail about your situation.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yes she is married, she lives 400 miles from me. she lives is US
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.

How many brothers does your husband have and if you don't live together, why are you involved with who XXXXX XXXXXs for or doesn't cook for?

Does your husband tell you that he doesn't mind that Sandra doesn't cook for his brother or for her husband's brother?

Why is this an issue in your marriage?

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

MY HUSBANS IS NOT BEING "FAIR ABOUT THE SITUATION, SPECIALLY IF HE CLAIMS THAT HE COMES FROM SPANISH TRADITIONS. HE NEEDS TO TELL SANDRA THE SAME ABOUT WOMEN BEING IN THE KITCHEN.

 

"HE GOT "KIND OF MAD BECAUSE I WILL NOT COOK FOR HIS BROTHER"

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

"WHEN I ASK ABOUT SANDRA HE GETS "SILENCE ABOUT THE QUESTION"

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,

Don't ask about Sandra anymore. If you are cooking for your family, you can invite his brother to join you, but to cook a separate meal for your brother in law, when you're not cooking for your family is not fair to you at all. Spanish/family traditions are a good thing, but not when it means taking advantage of your good nature. If his brother doesn't have a wife or girlfriend to cook for him, you can include him in your family meals, if it means a lot to your husband, but you do not need to cook his brother meals when you're not cooking for your family. Explain to him that you surely believe in upholding Spanish traditions, but he cannot expect you to drop everything to cook for his brother. Say it nicely and calmly--no fighting, and help him understand where your thoughts are coming from.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHY DO THINK HE IS TAKING ADVANTAG? I TOLD HIM IN THE PAST I LIVE IN THE US FOR 30 YEARS. HE "KNOWS" MY LIFESTYLE OF THE US. HE NEEDS TO TREAT ME EQUAL LIKE SANDRA.

"WHY DO THINK HE HAS A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING ME? HE KNOWS FOR A LONG TIME WHO I AM.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
You're absolutely correct!

Continue to tell him that you've lived in the U.S. for 30 years and even though you will always be steeped in your traditions from El Salvador, it's the year 2009 and he needs to move into the future, with his thinking. I don't think it's only a 'Spanish traditions' thing; he's taking advantage of you for sure, because he's the man and you're the woman, and you are allowing it, if you're doing what he says. Tell him you're an independent woman in the U.S. just like Sandra is, and you would like him to stop taking advantage of your good nature. Let his brother find a girlfriend or wife to cook for him. It's really not your job, or obligation.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

"SEVERAL TIMES I "DISOBEY HIM" SOMETIMES I DO NOT EVEN COOK FOR HIM. WHY DO YOU THINK HE IS BEING "BIAS TOWARD ME" BECAUSE I AN NOT FROM CHILE?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
No, I don't think it has anything to do with where you or he are from. It's all 'Spanish' tradition, but from the 1600's!

I think he's biased toward you because he's your wife, and if you don't cook for his brother, you're embarrassing him because you're not taking orders. A husband and wife should have an EQUAL role in the marriage, but Spanish men very often think that the woman is 'beneath' him and expects her to do everything he says. You need to tell him you're a 'modern' woman, and you're in America now. Those traditions are very old fashioned and no one follows them anymore, just like Sandra. Tell him you don't want him comparing you to Sandra. You're his wife, she's his sister. Two different people in two different roles in his family.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

THIS GUY IS 48 YEARS OLD, AND THINKS OLD FASHION. ONE DAY HE TOLD ME TO TAKE " A HIKE BECAUSE I WILL NOT COOK FOR HIM. IF HE EVER MAKES ME MAD ENOUGH, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD LEAVE HIM?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
If you have someplace else to go, yes, I think if you feel he's not treating you right and tells you so 'easily' to take a hike, maybe one day you should call his bluff and leave. Then, he'll have NO ONE to cook for him! I think he'll BEG you to come back, if this ever happens.

You need to stick up for yourself and your rights. He IS old fashioned, and he needs to have his thinking come into this century. He should learn to do things for himself.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHY DO YOU THINK HE WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIS SISTER-IN-LAW ABOUT COOKING, BUT HE GETS MAD AT ME FOR THE SAME SITUATION? SPECIALLY IF HE CLAIMS HE IS MACHO.

he should tell sandra to cook for him. IN CHILE TRADITION WOMEN ARE SUPPOSE COOK FOR MEN REGARDLESS WEATHER THEY ARE SISTER, WIFE, SINGLE, MARRIED.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Because she is his sister in law, and you are his wife. Two completely different relationships. He is not in charge of his sister in law; her husband needs to take this up with her, if it bothers HIM. Your husband should have nothing to say about his. If he does say what he says, tell him that: I'm your wife, she is your sister in law; you have no power over what she does. I'm a good wife, I cook for YOU, I don't need to cook for anyone else, unless I choose to. He IS macho, it's a typical Spanish male thing. BUT, he cannot make you feel badly about who YOU are.

Refuse to have the discussion with him anymore. It will lead nowhere, and definitely isn't enriching YOUR life. If he brings it up again, let him talk, and don't reply. It's not worth it to fight with him about this.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

HE TOLD ME IN CHILEAN TRADITIONS, WOMEN ARE SUPPOSE TO COOK FOR MEN, REGARDLESS WHAT RELATIONSHIP THEY ARE IN. EVEN IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Then you're absolutely right, it comes down to where he is from and where you are from. However, those traditions are very old fashioned and don't apply to today's, modern, working women in the U.S.

You will most likely never win this argument with him, so just let it go and don't discuss it with him anymore. Bringing up Sandra and what she does, is not helping you, so if you don't want to cook for his brother, don't. I don't think he'll leave you over that. If he does, or threatens to kick you out, I think you should go, if this is what you want. You seem to keep staying with him, even though he gives you a hard time and treats you badly. Don't you want a better life for yourself?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

HE IS NOT A VIOLENT PERSON. I WONDER WHY HE WILL NOT TELL ME THE TRUTH. THAT SINCE SANDRA IS FROM CHILE, I AM FROM EL SALVADOR, HE IS BEING BIAS. WHY DO YOU THINK HE IS NOT BEING "HONEST"?

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OFF, IF HE TELLS THE TRUTH. WHAT IS HE GOING TO LOOSE BY TELLING THE TRUTH?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
I agree, completely; you are VERY intelligent to see this--he has absolutely nothing to lose, by telling the truth, and if you are his wife, he should always be completely truthful with you, and you with him!

I think one of the reasons why he may feel he cannot tell you the truth, is because of that 'machismo' you mentioned. You KNOW how proud Spanish men are, and if he admitted the truth to you, it might make him seem like less of a man, in his interpretation of the situation.

I think it would be best for you just to let it go. He's never going to admit it's because Sandra is from Chile and you are from El Salvador, so unfortunately, you're fighting a losing battle with him. If he gives in, and tells you how he really feels, he's giving up a little of his machismo, and he will not allow that to happen.
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18647
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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