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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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how can you love someone if you dont respect him

Customer Question

how can you love someone if you dont respect him
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Love and respect go hand in hand, in order to love someone you have to have some type of respect for him. You can care about someone but not respect how they act or treat you or treat others but if you don't respect them then you don't have love for them. It also depends on what they did for you to lose respect for them in some case you can be in love with someone and then they do something that makes you lose respect for them, then that is a different situation. It's hard to gain respect back after they have lost it, it will take alot of proving that they deserve that respect again.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
but what if he told you frankly that he loves you but not respect you?he actually says it when he`s drunk but it hurts me badly,i couldn`t help it..he always says bad things to me when he`s drunk..do you think this relationship will workout?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Liam 030308,

 

In order for your relationship to last, he's going to have to get help with his drinking, if the only time he's cruel to you is when he's drinking.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what if he doesnt want to be helped?i ask him to stop but he didnt listen..i told him to make a choice but he answered me that its not the same situation sa he doent need to choice either..what should i do?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You have to decide how much you are willing to take and if the pain is worth staying. And if you don't feel that it's worth it, then you have to leave him. If you don't feel that the verbal abuse will stop, then you need to make plans to leave the relationship until he can either treat you better or get help with his drinking. Most people with a drinking problem don't get help until they lose everthing.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
im sorry if i didnt answer your mails soon,i was very busy this past few days and thinking about my situation..i just thought and wanted to ask that is it possible that i can easily forget and can easily give up on our relationship?i know your point to give my husband a lesson for being cruel when his drunk..but im really sorry for not telling this before that my husband is a japanese,and we know their culture..maybe its my own excuse to forgive my husband,but you know what he always tel me that im the most selfish person that he ever met,thats why im being guilty..do you think so?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think you staying as long as you have with everything he puts you through shows that you are dedicated to your marriage it is your husband who is being selfish for not wanting to get help to make his marriage better. If you stay and continue to put up with his behavior you will get sick health wise and stressed out. He needs help for his drinking if he only says it when he is drunk but he doesn't feel he has a problem and he is trying to make you the bad guy, don't allow him to do that. I can understand you wanting to be supportive because of how the Japanese culture is but there is a point that if both couples are not trying then the marriage is going to be one sided and one person is going to be unhappy and that person is you. It is your unselfishness that has kept you there that long and now you have to decide if you want better for yourself and maybe if you try a trial separation with the condition that you won't come back unless he gets help maybe this will make him see that you are serious about what you want out of you marriage and being marriage to an abusive drinker is not one of them, then maybe he will get help before you decide to leave.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

we have a 1 year old son,i just think that it would be unhealthy for him if i do that..im from a broken family thats why i know how it feels when your parents are being like this,,i really dont know what to do right now..

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Laim03030308,

 

I totally understand your reasoning so maybe you can compromise with him that he can drink but cut it down to a couple of times and week and then cut it down even more as he gets use to not going so much. Maybe if you compromise and not demand him got do these things he will try harder and then hopefully he will see the kind of relationship the two of you will have if he would only try. I too believe that for the sake of you child you should try much harder to work on the relationship because sometimes children tend to blame themselves even if it isn't their fault. Maybe if you find out the reason he drinks so much could help him to quit drinking also some people that choose alcohol over their relationship it's because the alcohol mask some hurt he has deep down inside and if you can find out what he is trying to hide from that will be half the battle won.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok i`ll try that..i had it before but i`ll try much harder for him to tell me more..i really appreciate your help..thank you veru much..hope you can help me again..i`ll remind you if we get better..thanks again..
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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