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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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My husband is very insecure. Whenever I want to leave the

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My husband is very insecure. Whenever I want to leave the house he always has to go with me and he is the one that has to drive. When he is at work I usually just stay at home because when I leave the house he calls ever 5 minutes and seems out of breath as if he's hyperventilating because I am about to die. My friend is graduating this weekend and he doesn't want me to go because I will be around old friends and is afraid a guy will hit on me. I hate living like this. What can I do to make things better? We've tried counseling but it hasn't helped.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

It seems like your husband had alot of issues with insecurity before you got married it couldn't have happened over night unless something happened to make him this way I think he has insecurities within himself and it spills over into you relationship. He needs to realize that he has an issue that may cost him his marriage if he doesn't get help NOW. I think he needs to do counseling by himself to figure out why he has these insecurities and what caused them, if he can figure out why it ill be much easier for him to work on those issues. If he isn't willing to get the help then you have to let him pout or get upset and you do what you want to do you cannot become his prisoner just so he doesn't get upset you have to have your own life and "me time." Marriage counseling is not going to work right now because he has to work on himself and the issues he has before you can go into counseling together, he is not going to get better by himself it will only get worse. What you have to think about is how much of this do you want to have to go through before you figure out enough is enough. Maybe try calling him from time to time instead of waiting for him to call you this will show him that though you are out by yourself you are thinking enough about him to call and tell him where you are and where you're going and how long you are going to be there. Little by little you will earn his trust to the point where he won't panic if you are out by yourself running errands or visiting friends. I think he panics more if he doesn't hear from you at all that is why I suggested calling him from time to time and showing him that you want to earn his trust.

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
This is my first time using justanswers.com and I was very skeptical. I was sure I would either get a "leave him" or "try marriage counseling" answer. Your answer was original and sounds like terrific advice. Thanks!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

You're welcome and if you need my help again don't hesitate to come back I will be happy to help you. Good luck to you!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks again for your help. I talked to my husband about getting counseling and he agreed to go alone as long as it was a christian counselor. When I asked him what he would say the problem is to a counselor at first he said he doesn't know. I pressed him because I told him I really would like things to change and there is a problem but nothing will change if he doesn't see a problem. He said that he is afraid of God and afraid to let go and let God mold him. (We are Christians btw, we met at church). I said I don't understand how that is relevant to the problems. He said that he is afraid that when God molds him he will take away all the blessings in his life and that it will hurt more than he can handle and he can't let that happen. I responded that I can understand that but often if we constantly obsess over our fears and what could happen the events naturally occur like that, instead he should try to focus on what he wants to happen and do things that would encourage our lives to head in that direction. That made sense to him but it didn't seem to change the way he feels and how hard it is to let go of his fears. I told him that I love him very very much and in many ways he is a great husband but he pushes me farther away when he gets too overprotective and locks me away as if I'm in prison. He told me he doesn't mean to push me away. I also said that God is not just a God of wrath. He said he believes that in the long term no matter how God molds him it will be for his own good but he is still afraid because it is painful to let God mold him. He said he just can't let go. He said that he would go to counseling if I find a good christian counselor but he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

So I have been making an effort lately to call him(I already do several times a day) but he seems to need to know that he makes me happy so I have gone out of my way to make sure he knows that in many ways he makes me happy and that I will not leave him.

I have to admit I love everything about him except how insecure he is! It drives me crazy! Do you think besides just living my own life, making sure to call him and say positive things to him when we are apart, and encouraging him to get counseling, that there is anything else I can do for him? Btw he is a person with many fears such as spiders, bugs, roaches, getting cancer, the world coming to an end, his parents dying, going through pain, but most of all of something bad happening to me. Sometimes it can be a good thing because he is very very cautious and it prevents some unnecessary bad things from happening (such as always making sure everyone wears their seatbeat when they are in the car, checking twice to make sure all the appliances are turned off and unplugged everytime he leaves the house, etc.) It just seems like our lives revolve around his fears. From things his parents have said it seems like he has always been this way so I am not expecting any easy answers. I would just love it if I could receive some tips to help him relax (he is always as tense as a rock). Oh and I already give him daily massages because he needs them! So again if you have any more advice for me or my husband I would greatly appreciate it (and I'm willing to pay lol). I guess I will look into counselors for him to go to in the meantime. Thanks again.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

That is good he agreed to get counseling and it shows that he really wants his marriage to work and also tell you husband that God is a loving God and believes in the family unit and that he will not allow your marriage to fail if your husband puts his trust in God wholeheartedly God will make sure that he is okay. There is nothing else you can do other than what we have talked about and the counseling is the utmost importance in your marriage now if you want a healthy and trusting relationship with your husband. If he has all of those fears then he has not yet given all of himself over to God. Counseling can help him to figure out why he has such fears and panic about everyday life. You cannot make him relax because you are part of his fear, a fear of you leaving him, getting hurt, finding someone else so that is why the counseling is so important. If you could give your city, town and State I will look for Christian counselors for you if you cannot find one on your own.

 

I also including below a site for Christian Counselor Directory for one near you:

 

http://christiantherapist.com/

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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