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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20803
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My husband had an affair, it is over now, and he still wont

Customer Question

My husband had an affair, it is over now, and he still won't come back home. He helps me out with money, comes over to see what I need when I ask and helps me with household repairs. He says I will never forget his affair and will never be happy again. How can I get him back? He lives down the street and keeps an eye on everything I do.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.

How long have you been married?

When did his affair end?

For how long have you been living apart?

Does he tell you he still loves you and still wants to be married to you?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
We've been married for 18 years.

The affair ended right after I found out in November. I put her on speaker phone and she revealed what she really was doing, trying to get money out of an old man, he's 51.

We've been living apart since November 11, 2008.

When I ask him if he is no longer in love with me he doesn't answer me. A few times he has said he still loves me.

He says our marriage won't work because I will alwaysw throw the affair in his face. I've let him know I've forgiven him and want to work on making our marriage better.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your additional and helpful information.

I think you need to let your husband know that you still love him and want him to come back home. Even though you've said you forgive him for the affair (which is really very kind of you), he doesn't believe that you can really forgive and forget.

I don't think it's up to him to decide how YOU feel; he may be making excuses for not wanting to move back in with you, but you can do some things to convince him. Invite him to a romantic dinner at your home, and afterward, cuddle on the couch watching a movie. If he's resistant to this idea, tell him that you miss him and really miss spending time with him. Reiterate that you still love him very much and don't like him living apart from you. If he brings up the fact that he feels you will never forgive him for having an affair, tell him firmly but sweetly that HE can't tell you what you will forgive, because it's YOUR feelings, and you've already told him you forgive him. Then ask him straight out: why don't you want to live with me as man and wife, anymore?

I feel his telling you that you won't forgive him is a 'cop out'. He can't put words in your mouth or feelings in your soul. You tell him you forgive him, that you still love him, yet he still lives apart from you. Ask him if he wants to remain married or not. I think he's afraid if you get back together, he might stray again, even if he loves you. Some men have a hard time being faithful.

Think about how your life is now, and if you like living this way. If you don't like this arrangement, and he doesn't budge, maybe you should be the first one to make a move toward the type of life you would like to have.

I hope things work out for you and wish you much good luck!

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I' ve done all this, it hasn't worked. I'll just wait and see what the future holds. I won't give him a divorce, although he hasn't asked for one, I still have hopes that he'll come home. I believe he still loves me as he is here for me when I need his help and told me that he would love me until he told me he no longer does. He refuses to say he no longer loves me.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

I agree that you shouldn't give him a divorce, especially if that hasn't even come up; you should always hold out hope that he will come home, and if he can't tell you he no longer loves you, that's a good sign. As long as you're always in touch, always see each other, and he continues to help you around the house, and shows concern for you, there's always hope.

Perhaps there are some things at this particular time, which need fixing around the house, and you could call him on quite a steady basis, to fix them; at least then, you'd see more of him, and you might fall into your old, loving patterns, especially if you call him around dinner time and just happen to have something delicious on the stove or in the oven, or if you call him sort of late at night, close to bedtime, if you catch my drift. : )

There's no denying you're in a difficult situation, and I hope things work out well for you!


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