How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18797
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
1470369
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cher is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband had an affair, it is over now, and he still wont

Customer Question

My husband had an affair, it is over now, and he still won't come back home. He helps me out with money, comes over to see what I need when I ask and helps me with household repairs. He says I will never forget his affair and will never be happy again. How can I get him back? He lives down the street and keeps an eye on everything I do.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

How long have you been married?

When did his affair end?

For how long have you been living apart?

Does he tell you he still loves you and still wants to be married to you?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We've been married for 18 years.

The affair ended right after I found out in November. I put her on speaker phone and she revealed what she really was doing, trying to get money out of an old man, he's 51.

We've been living apart since November 11, 2008.

When I ask him if he is no longer in love with me he doesn't answer me. A few times he has said he still loves me.

He says our marriage won't work because I will alwaysw throw the affair in his face. I've let him know I've forgiven him and want to work on making our marriage better.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your additional and helpful information.

I think you need to let your husband know that you still love him and want him to come back home. Even though you've said you forgive him for the affair (which is really very kind of you), he doesn't believe that you can really forgive and forget.

I don't think it's up to him to decide how YOU feel; he may be making excuses for not wanting to move back in with you, but you can do some things to convince him. Invite him to a romantic dinner at your home, and afterward, cuddle on the couch watching a movie. If he's resistant to this idea, tell him that you miss him and really miss spending time with him. Reiterate that you still love him very much and don't like him living apart from you. If he brings up the fact that he feels you will never forgive him for having an affair, tell him firmly but sweetly that HE can't tell you what you will forgive, because it's YOUR feelings, and you've already told him you forgive him. Then ask him straight out: why don't you want to live with me as man and wife, anymore?

I feel his telling you that you won't forgive him is a 'cop out'. He can't put words in your mouth or feelings in your soul. You tell him you forgive him, that you still love him, yet he still lives apart from you. Ask him if he wants to remain married or not. I think he's afraid if you get back together, he might stray again, even if he loves you. Some men have a hard time being faithful.

Think about how your life is now, and if you like living this way. If you don't like this arrangement, and he doesn't budge, maybe you should be the first one to make a move toward the type of life you would like to have.

I hope things work out for you and wish you much good luck!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I' ve done all this, it hasn't worked. I'll just wait and see what the future holds. I won't give him a divorce, although he hasn't asked for one, I still have hopes that he'll come home. I believe he still loves me as he is here for me when I need his help and told me that he would love me until he told me he no longer does. He refuses to say he no longer loves me.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

I agree that you shouldn't give him a divorce, especially if that hasn't even come up; you should always hold out hope that he will come home, and if he can't tell you he no longer loves you, that's a good sign. As long as you're always in touch, always see each other, and he continues to help you around the house, and shows concern for you, there's always hope.

Perhaps there are some things at this particular time, which need fixing around the house, and you could call him on quite a steady basis, to fix them; at least then, you'd see more of him, and you might fall into your old, loving patterns, especially if you call him around dinner time and just happen to have something delicious on the stove or in the oven, or if you call him sort of late at night, close to bedtime, if you catch my drift. : )

There's no denying you're in a difficult situation, and I hope things work out well for you!

Cher

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions

Chat Now With A Counselor
Cher
Cher
Counselor
18797 Satisfied Customers
Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor