How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18553
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cher is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, my son cannot keep a job and always has the same excuse

Resolved Question:

Hi, my son cannot keep a job and always has the same excuse saying that his boss was a jerk. Im concerned that I screwed up badly when I was raising him. I realize that its a bit late now to do anything about his attitude, I'd just like to know.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

How old is your son?

What types of jobs has he had and lost? Since he says his boss was a jerk, has he lost the jobs due to being disrespectful to his boss?

What sort of education/training does he have?

What's the longest he's ever held a job and what was it?

Does he live on his own, or with you?

Are you his mother or father?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My son is 24
He has mainly worked in the warehouse field,he worked at the marriot once for about 6 months in Janitorial and , and maintanence.
Yes, he does usually become disrespectful and calls them names after he gets terminated.
He has a GED because I couldnt keep him in school in High school and he was into alot of trouble all of the time hanging with the wrong kinds of people. He eventualy ended up in Juvinile several times until he was finally sent away for a whole year and while he was there he got his GED.
He held the job at the Marriot for about 6 months.
He lives with his wife and 3 small children in my house that I own And I live elsewhere.
I am his Mother.


Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information. I was not online when you replied, so also, thanks for your patience.

I completely understand your concern as his mother, and it sounds like he certainly took on a major responsibility by marrying and having three children, at such a young age.

If you are confident that you raised him with good morals and taught him right from wrong, you should not shoulder any guilt regarding the troubles he's had or is having now; however, because he didn't listen to your sage advice, as his mother, and fell in with the wrong type of people, most likely thinking it would make him seem 'tough', he needs to realize that it's HIM and not his bosses, who have the attitude, and if he wants to stay at a good job, in order to support his family, he needs to change that attitude and be successful in maintaining a job for longer than 6 months.

Also, if he and his family are living in your house and (I'm assuming) not paying much, if anything in rent, utilities, etc., you are 'enabling' him to feel secure, despite his less than stellar job history, so he doesn't feel the NEED to work and stay with it, to make money to support his family.

If he has not yet seen a counselor, he would benefit from therapy sessions, to realize what's most important (i.e., his family, his mother, etc.) and that it's time to straighten up and fly right. If he thinks he's old enough to have a wife and three young children, it's his obligation as their father, to support them and give them stability. I'm assuming his wife doesn't work outside the home, because she takes care of the children, so it's up to him.

He needs a therapist to help him get rid of this anger, this chip on his shoulder, that is costing him almost every job he gets, as you mentioned. He feels he was 'wronged' by life, by the 'system', etc., and most likely has put a guilt trip upon YOU, but you did nothing wrong. Some kids are difficult to keep in school, and his troubles may be related to one or several learning disabilities, like dyslexia, ADD (attention deficit disorder), ADHD (attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity), which makes it hard for kids to focus on the task, so they get frustrated and just 'tune out'. If he were to be tested now, (adults can have ADD, also), and any learning disabilities were found, he could learn to overcome them with therapy, and just knowing it's not HIM, but that he needs to learn in a different way, will give him the confidence to change his attitude and do things differently. It's possible that at the jobs he did hold for a while, he had trouble understanding either verbal and/or written instructions, or forgot to do certain tasks, and this is common with people who have learning disabilities. I'd recommend exploring this possibility, first, and it may be the key to a turn-around for him.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"; I'm sure you've heard this old expression. You tried to be the best parent you knew how, as he was growing up, and you're still trying to be a good parent, by giving him and his young family a place to stay, but right now, the desire to want to do better, must come from within himself, and I do think counseling/therapy will help. He'll most likely be against it, at first, which is a very common reaction, especially among men, but you need to use 'tough love' at this point, if you don't feel you did that strongly enough when he was younger, and threaten him with not allowing him to remain in your home, if he doesn't at least 'try' a few sessions with a counselor. He needs to understand why he can't keep a job, remedy THAT, and be given 'tools' to cope with his attitude and get along better with people so he can work, successfully.

Don't continue to make life so easy for him, and he'll be forced to take on more responsibility for himself and his family.

I wish you much good luck and hope things improve, soon!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much for your replys so far.
My son has been expected to pay all of the utility bills, property taxes, home insurance and up keep of the home. I realize if I didnt make him pay these things I would be enabling him, but still this total only comes to about 600.00 a month (rent) which is very cheap around here.He didnt come up with all of it last year, but he knows that if he gets too far behind, I will ask him to move out. I could be getting 1200.00 a month rent for that home. He also pays his car payment and car insurance. Problem is, I just recently learned that he has or may have been envolved in selling marijuna,( not out of my home) and thats how he has been paying his bills, so now he thinks that working a regular job is just not worth it. Im worried that he will end up in Prison someday because as usual, he just doesnt see it the same as Mom does. Now I really feel like a worthless Mother and didnt do my son a bit of justice somehow. I remember when he was born, I felt like I was a very intelligent person that was capable of raising a child into a positive, productive human being...now I feel like I messed up somewhere so badly and I dont understand how I could have been that stupid. When my son was 2 or 3 years old and I would have to disapline him, I wouldnt spank him and everyone thought I was wrong, now Im beginning to wonder about that too...maybe I WAS wrong.( I read dr Spock) Maybe he needed a different kind of disapline because he WAS a strong willed child. Maybe I was too easy on him and spoiled him, I dont know. He was an only child and didnt get picked on by any siblings, so I thought maybe that was why he seemed to be so sensitive and wasnt able to handle any negative feedback from anyone. Then, when it did happen, he would always strike back in a negative way and get into some kind of trouble. Thanks for your answers so far, they have been very helpful and I would love to get him to go to therepy maybe even with me. We went to Therepy when he was a teen, I practically had to drag him down there, and then the theripist told me himself that I was probably going to just let the Law deal with him. Well, that sounded to me like giving up on your child.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.

It sounds from your description, like you did everything you were supposed to, when he was younger, and recognizing a problem, then bringing him to a therapist for family therapy WITH you, was a very smart move on your part. While I don't feel it was appropriate for the therapist to say you were probably just going to let the Law deal with him, at least you made the effort to bring him to therapy. If the therapist thought he was a 'hopeless case', he should have recommended you to a different therapist who could give you better insight. Also, if the therapist said this in front of your son, that gave him 'permission' to mess up, with the advance knowledge he would just end up in jail, anyway, and making that statement was really not proper for the therapist, under the circumstances.

I don't think you should blame yourself for the illegal things your son did (and may be doing, now) and the trouble he go into. Once he was over 18 and no longer a 'minor' child, there was not much you could do. Before he was 18, you did your best, XXXXX XXXXX an only child may have something to do with it, but not all only children get into trouble. I'm assuming his father was not in the picture, since you make no mention of him. If this is so, he may have been lacking a strong male role model, and because you were 'softer' with him, being the mom, he took advantage.

I'm most concerned about your current suspicion that he may be selling an illegal substance, to pay his bills. When you started listing all the expenses he pays, I was going to ask, how can he do this without a steady job? Then, you answered that for me.

I think, at this particular time, you need to have a serious talk with him, with or without his wife present, and give him the stark facts: "if you're involved in something illegal, I will bounce your rear end out of this house and you and your family will be homeless, unless and until you find a place to live, at a rent you can afford (which I don't think exists). In addition, continue any illegal activity and you will be facing jail time AGAIN, and believe me, you WILL be caught. Everyone thinks they won't be caught, but someone you consider a 'friend' OR an 'enemy' WILL sell you out, if you're not caught by the police, due to a stroke of dumb luck. You have a wife and three young children to support, and who rely on you. Do you WANT to risk going to jail again? I'm sure you don't; then, stop all illegal activity and become the husband and father your family needs and deserves.

Look for a new job every weekday, until you find something, anything, and do your job, don't mouth off to anyone, and bring home a steady paycheck. Once you keep a job for a decent amount of time (a year or more), YOU can choose where you'd rather work, and start applying to other places, if this job is not your first choice. A person with your background really can't have a first choice at this particular time; you should consider yourself lucky to be hired by anyone, with your poor work background and past legal problems.

If you don't make more of an effort to get a job which will support your family and pay the bills, I'm afraid I won't be able to help you anymore....you'll have to be on your own, and decide what's best for you your family. I've helped you out all these years, and you still don't seem to 'get it'. You need to correct your attitude, realize that no one owes you a living, and you need to make your own way. And lose the anger and chip on your shoulder. If you don't do that, you will never keep a job for long and you will not be a happy person, plus you'll be putting your family in jeopardy. If you feel you need help from a professional, like a counselor, to accomplish this, I will be more than happy to to help you with that. All you need to do is ask me."

This is what I suggest you say to your son, and see what his reaction is. Don't say it in a threatening or angry way; speak matter of factly, but from your heart, and tell him you love him and feel he's so much better than this.

Unfortunately, and even though you are worried for your grandchildren, etc., if he doesn't take your advice, you might have to take action to make your son realize you're not just making idle threats, but you mean what you say. If, at this young age, and with a family, he does not realize he must straighten out, I'm afraid things may end badly. When a young man is involved in selling something like marijuana, he's associating with unsavory people, as I'm sure you're aware, and this does not bode well for him or his family.

I hope things work out well for him and for you.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18553
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much...Please reply so that I can add on some additional funds for you. Im so glad I contacted you.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and you're most welcome. Thanks very much for your accept.

I'm glad I was able to be of help, and do hope everything works out and things improve, soon!

Cher

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency