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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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My husband prefers to masturbate over having sex, he says he

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My husband prefers to masturbate over having sex, he says he has no chemistry with me, but we've been married 10 years...we had great sex before and during moments of our marriage. He says he has no intimacy with me, therefore, doesn't want to have sex. How is it possible to have had great sex then? I am in the best shape of my life, and he says he loves me and says I am a wonderful person..

We dated 3 years prior to marriage and had great chemistry....we have a 3 year old son. He is saying he has realized what he wants in a woman has changed and he is missing wit and banter. He misses those sparks and connection. I am loving, caring, compassionate, fun, giving...all the qualities that sustain a relationship and very open to listening and looking within myself. I feel that b/c he has had a lack of emotional intimacy growing up, this is why he is having this problem now in our relationship, he is missing something within himself, and is trying to fill that void, but keeps saying we
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How long has he felt this way?

 

-How often does he masturbate?

 

-Does he have to have porn to masturbate?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He says he has felt this as early as 1 year after the marriage, after the "honeymoon" phase wore off. I never suspected or felt anything, and his verbal and physical response was not a sign either. As a matter of fact, he upgraded my ring to show his committment about 4 years ago, and bought me a Jaguar 3 years ago for my B-day. We also had passionate sex both times when we got pregnant, as a matter of fact, I had only been off of my BC for 2 weeks the second time. He masturbates I am assuming 2-3 times a week, he does not watch porn. I believe (as did the past counselor and the present one) that he is trying to fill a void (emotional intimacy) that he lacked from his parents, and when he was young, he was never home, always out with friends, to avoid his homelife. Also, he has unrealistic expectations of a relationship b/c he never grew up in a healthy environment, therefore, he believes someone else should make him happy and complete him, but I think he is not complete within himself. One of the problems he complained about is that he only remembers having great sex a few times in the past 10 years...I used to have pain on intercourse, but didnt' have it diagnosed properly until about 5 years ago, and getting off of the BC, drinking wine, and using a spray my OB recommended changed that, where I had increased libido and became more comfortable each time. I also have not been able to orgasm EVER in the military position, unless I am on top. He says he carries a chip on his shoulder and that chipped away at our relationship early on...Again, he never communicated ANY of this until after the birth of our son. He also refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant b/c I had a baby inside.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Beddha29,

 

I think it 's good that he is in counseling because alot of his issues stem from not being shown the proper way in which to find happiness in his life and to love because his home life growing up was emotionless and there for he looked to others to show him the happiness he was lacking at home and he just carried that into his adult life. I really don't think it has anything to do with you I think he has an inner pain that he has not let surface even with the counselor and that is going to be the most important part of his emotional break through. He most definitely needs to work on himself before you can work on what is wrong with the marriage and then I would suggest you both get into marriage counseling. What he needs to do if he feels comfortable doing so is to talk to his counseling about his constantly choosing masturbation over sex with his wife there may be an underlying reason for that, that not even you know about. If he will not tell you why he doesn't feel intimate with you then maybe he will be able to work that out with his counselor. I think he relied on you so much to show him and make him feel love that when he could no longer find that feeling in you that he just shut down but what he doesn't realize is he has to be happy within him to be able to make or feel love from anyone else.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The current counselor picked up right away that he was in pain, that it's ridiculous to say now that he had no chemistry, when you have to have had it to date and marry for 3 years, the relationship would not have sustained itself. I do think he is looking for a "comedian" to make him feel better, when he is not feeling good about himself in the first place. You can't look for someone else to make u happy. The counselor suggested anti-depressants to him, spirituality, physical exercise, and continued psychotherapy...hopefully he sees the light before it is too late and he destroys a happy family...I can honestly say that once I knew there was a problem, I have given 300% into making it work, including looking within myself, to become "the best version of myself" so that I may improve attitudes and behaviors as well...Thanks so much Kim
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You could give 300% but as long as it's his problem nothing you do will make him feel better he has to work on his issues in order to be happy with ANYONE. No matter what you change it will not make a difference as long as he has this personal turmoil nothing you or anyone does will make him happy, someone really messed up his self esteem and self worth when he was younger. This isn't going to change over night because it has taken a lifetime for him to get to this point so try and be VERY patient that is what needs from you the most.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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KimberlyF
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