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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I am 38yrs old in a relationship/ marraige for 20 years, we

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I am 38yrs old in a relationship/ marraige for 20 years, we have raised 2 kids one left back in oct on bad terms and the other is home yet. our jobs have changed and sold our home and moved a month ago because of diffrent issues, biggest thinking if we get away it will help, but thingsa are still falling apart fast. I have been trying for years to find inside me a reason or what feelings i hold for my husband but cant but yet i dont leave i just feel empty. but in the last 2 or so months i have found 4 other people and have talked to them and have seen them and i get along well with them. But the last one Jesse I really cant shake him out of my mind, ever scince we were out thats all i can think of - what do i do? or how do i come to the right choice here for my daugther and me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer.

 

- Why did your daughter leave, what happened?

 

-How do you and your husband get along?

 

-Do you love your husband and want to save the marriage?

 

-How long have you been having problems in the marriage all total?

 

-Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

my daughter had met a new guy and 6 days later moved out with him and a month later came back and took herr son and now we dont see him or her due to the boyfriend. plus now she is 5 months preg again only being 20, she left because he kept telling her she dont have to listen to us and turned her on the whole family.

 

me and matt barely have ever talked and now we both are working and both in school and still just pass each other and with few words. to the point alot of people that see us tell me that there is nothing there with us - sorry

 

i cant answer that - i have been asking myself that for over a year and i have been trying for a long time to save this marriage and failing badly

 

from almost the start because of others butting in and him so worried about his image i have alway had to take a back seat to him

 

yes we have tried counseling alot with several diffrent ones togther and even alone but he has always had it turn on me making it look like i dont care or trying to hurt him and he looks like a gem. i even had accepted that it is my fault for all this, even at one point they all tried to get me committed to the hospital for trying kill myself along with emotial issues but thank good the doctors there found me ok with deppression and gave me meds to calm down.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Deanine,

 

It sounds like you have tried everything to get your marriage back on track (including counseling) and nothing has worked. The problem with your marriage and family life is no one wants to communicate their feelings but instead you go with the flow never saying how you feel about anything, I can tell by the way your daughter left that she said nothing to you or your husband about her plans on leaving and then coming back and getting her son without warning. Your children learn from you how to communicate and verbalize their feelings and they didn't see that from you or your husband. It's time for you to decide if you want to save the marriage or you and your daughter leave and you and your husband try a trial separation but your daughter has to be told before this happens because it affects her also If she is over 10 years of age she needs to be told or she will only blame herself if she is under 10 years old it may not be a good idea to tell her unless she asks.

 

It isn't a good idea for you to start another relationship until you can get closure in your marriage it just causes confusion and will make you look like the bad guy with your husband, he already paints in you a bad light with counselors to make himself look good this could make it worse but if you are trying to kill yourself because of this then it's time for you to take a stand and say to yourself "I WILL NO LONGER BE TREATED LIKE A ROOMMATE IN THIS MARRIAGE!" As a wife you have needs that are not being met and if you have told your husband and he knows how you feel and still does nothing about it then now may be a time for you to think about yourself and your well being, whatever you need to do to be happier that is what you are going to have to do. You have to work on making yourself happy before you can possibly make anyone else happy. You don't want to carry old baggage into a new relationship or else it isn't giving that relationship much of a chance.

 

As far as your daughter is concerned she is 20 years old and though she is making bad choice she has to learn from her mistakes and when they get a certain age it's time to cut the apron string and allow them to live and learn. You cannot beat yourself up about the choice your child has made over the age of 18 years old. Children in their teens and early twenty have outside influences and make their own mistakes and it doesn't do any good to ask "what if" or "If only" it's a waste of time because the problems are there and though it would be good to rewind but you cannot. You just have to make sure your daughter that is at home now does not blame herself if you decide to leave explain to her that your leaving has nothing to do with her or anything she has done or her sister has done and that both you and her father loves her very much and will still be there for her and make sure you and your husband can have a cordial co existence.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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