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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18962
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have been with my boyfriend for six years. He told me hes

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I have been with my boyfriend for six years. He told me he's "not in love with me anymore" and thinks we should go our seperate ways. I love him will all of my heart and have supported him financially extensively over the years. In fact, he just "borrowed" $4000.00 from me last week and three days ago told me he didn't know why he was feeling this way. He never really said it was over. I told him that I felt used and taking adavantage of. It seemed as if this hurt him but I'm not sure. He has never really been in a long term relationship and I guess we hit a peak where he got bored. I'm tired of hearing "I don't know's" about this whole thing. I had gall bladder surgery two days ago and yesterday he stopped by to see how I was doing. We are both 46 years old. I am in misery and want to somehow regain his love. How can I go about this without seeming desperate? He has been married twice and both times his wives cheated on him. I have never done one thing wrong with this man. He used to be caring and loving and now he is distant. I didn't cause this and I don't know how to resolve this. He has a 17 year old son that is concerned and upset too. He just called and said his dad is acting cold towards him. I am really at a loss. He was the best man that has ever come into my life and promised me that he would be with me forever. I did all of the accounting for his business. He has noone else to do this. As far as money, he has noone to turn to but me. I don't mean to say he has asked all of the time but everything he's wanted to purchase that is a big ticket item and all the help he needed with bills, I paid. I don't understand why this isn't taken into consideration. I haven't thrown it up in his face except for yesterday. He said he's helped me too but when I asked with what, he couldn't answer. Is there such a thing as being to good to someone? Do you think with time, he'll reconsider? I'm not calling or texting or emailing him. I was hoping time would help although we live 45 minutes from each other and have not really seen each other to much in the past three months. I also know for a fact that another woman is not involved.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this emotional turmoil, especially now, that you've had gall bladder surgery. I hope you begin to feel better, very soon!

I really feel for you; what you relate, regarding his 'non-answers' and uncharacteristic behavior, is of concern and makes you feel like he's 'blaming' you for something, when all you've been is nothing but great to him. In answer to your question, 'can you be too good to someone?', the answer is yes, and I think that may be what's influencing his decision with you. It's possible that he felt there was no more 'challenge' in the relationship, and he did become bored, because, everything he asked for, he got. I'm not saying you did anything wrong; just the opposite! HE is the one with the problem and he may have felt that things came too easily to him, and he's feeling somewhat guilty. He may be ashamed that he needed to ask you for loans (or gifts) for certain things he couldn't afford, himself, and that made him feel emasculated. He may have had a crisis of conscience and thought, I'm really taking advantage of her, I'm not a 'real MAN', and wanted to leave the relationship to avoid further embarrassment.

If you're sure there's no other woman involved, he could have become bored with the same routine and felt he needed a change. Again, nothing to do with YOU, you did nothing wrong, but some men, especially around this age, just decide they want 'something' else, but they don't know what! They become antsy and go in search of what they think is missing, but usually don't find it.

I understand how awful you feel and that you still love him and would like to be back together with him; you might have a chance at that, if you can convince him to go to couples counseling with you, to find the reason why he feels this way, and why he's so 'down' lately. His son said he was acting cold and distant, and it's possible that he's suffering from depression.

If he has been married twice and both his wives cheated on him, maybe he felt he wanted to make a 'pre-emptory' strike, first, before you would leave HIM. He may be feeling paranoid about your relationship and just can't put his feelings into words, because he doesn't KNOW the reason.

You've been very brave to not text, email or call him for the past 3 months, until you saw him yesterday. I think it might be a good idea to open the lines of communication again, with him, and at first, just ask how he's doing and tell him you're worried about him because he seems 'down' or troubled. You can do this in an email or text, but I wouldn't call him on the phone just yet. Tell him that you'd like to help him find out what's causing him to feel down, and that you miss him. After a few 'back and forths', make the suggestion that you feel a therapist or counselor might be a good way for him to 'unload' his problems, and get some real answers, to help him cope and feel happier. You can offer to go with him or to help him find a therapist and see if he is receptive to your suggestion. If he backs away from it, don't push, but tell him as long as he makes an appointment to see someone, that's fine.

It's possible that with time, he might realize how much he misses you and decide he does want to be with you again, but you can't put false hope into that possibility. Try your best to move on with your own life, and don't spend time dwelling on him; however, expressing your concern regarding his current behavior, which is not like him at all, and suggesting he talk it out with a counselor, would be appropriate. Then, gauge his reaction and take it from there.

I hope everything works out well for you both, and please let me know if you have any other thoughts, and would like to discuss this further.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Cher,

Thanks for the quick response. I may have said something wrong with the 3 months. He has called me everyday, three times a day forever. Three months ago is when he stopped seeing me all of the time (except on weekends). I suggested counseling for us yesterday and he said it was a joke and he wasn't interested.
I was hoping that since there is noone else there for him, he would realize that we had a good relationship. Do you really think I'm wasting my time? I have a good job and kids. I am trying to look forward to taking care of myself. I guess if I had closure and knew the reason, I would feel much better. Am I fooling myself by thinking he may come back? Is there anything I can do? Should I wait a month or so and see if he calls and if not call him or write him a letter? Believe me, I am head over heels for his guy and at one time, not too long ago, he felt the same as me.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Also, is it healthy to maintain a friendship? He offered this and I felt really uncomfortable about it. I don't think I can handle it but if this would work in getting us back on track, I would do it.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I understand how you feel; you SHOULD have closure, and he's not giving it to you. I don't believe you should give up hope just yet, because you can never tell how things will progress; however, I also wouldn't want to see you 'wait' for him to come back to you and put your life on hold, if this doesn't happen. I don't think you're fooling yourself by thinking he may come back, because things have taken a strange turn and the possibility always exists.

I see nothing wrong with you waiting about a month, to see how things go, and you can call or write him a letter and let him know how you feel, plus tell him that after all this time in a relationship, you feel he does owe you a more detailed explanation of why he decided he didn't want to be in the relationship any longer.

If you have a good job and your kids, to keep you busy, try to go on as usual and maybe he'll contact you. If not, do as you suggested, and I think I'd start with a letter (snail mail?) or email, and wait for an answer. Tell him you ARE looking for closure, for your own piece of mind, and feel you are entitled to it. If he has nothing else to say, you'll have to let it go, and move on with your life. Your experience in the relationship with him was a good one, until recently, and you have to be thankful you had that. Every experience is a learning experience, and think about what you would do differently, in your next relationship.

I just read your latest reply, after writing this response, re: his offer of friendship. I can imagine how you feel about it, since you don't want to only be his friend, but 'more', as you were in the past, but I do feel it's a good way to stay in contact, and hope those old feelings will return, on his part. Don't keep false hope, though, if nothing more than friendship takes place. But, a good part of this, is that as long as you're still a part of his life, he may realize he made a mistake and want you back, the way you were before.

If it's meant to be, things will work out with you two getting back together; if it's not meant to be, you'll move on and start dating again, when you feel ready. I know your heart has been broken, and I know you feel very vulnerable right now, because you still have the feelings for him, you wish he would also still have for you.

Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

I hadn't commented on what you said, re: suggesting counseling to him, and his reply. If this is how he feels about it, don't mention it again, for the time being, but I know you think (and I also think) he really needs to unburden, in therapy. Maybe, sometime down the line...

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18962
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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