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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I need help! Im ready to fall apart anytime soon. Ive been

Customer Question

I need help! I'm ready to fall apart anytime soon. I've been committed to my Long Distance Relationship for 2.5 years without having the opportunity to meet this girl in person. I met my partner on a virtual community called myspace. We became friends at first before we both decided to become committed. I've tried to ask my girlfriend if we can meet in person several times but its always a different excuse. She's been diagnosed with Leukemia Cancer in Dec. 2005 & when we both committed into this relationship, she had started her chemo treatment. She was so sick for awhile & I understand not being able to travel, so I gave this time. Her family doesn't accept our relationship because being gay to them is out of the norm. I've been supporting her & the family financially for 2.5 years & its getting a bit old. I am frustrated! Why is it such a problem to see her? She claims shes afraid her family will disown her since she lives w-her parents. I'm tired of the empty promises.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How far apart do the two of you live?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello Kimberly,

What are your ages? My age is 39 & my partner is 30 years old

 

-How far apart do the two of you live? I reside here in Texas & she lives in Murphysboro, IL
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think it's a combination of things that are stopping her from coming to see you or you coming to see her. First of all the fact that her parents do not accept her lifestyle and then the fact that she is battling cancer she may not feel attractive enough to meet anyone right now and even though you may be accepting of anything because of your love for her she may not have great self esteem right now and the fact that her parents don't accept your relationship and the fact that she lives with them and depends on them right now with going through chemotherapy. You have two choices either you stick it out with her and be patient until she is well enough to travel or if you aren't willing to wait any longer maybe think about finding someone that is actually ready to meet you and start a relationship with you. What her parents have to realize that love knows no color, sex or social status, you cannot help who you fall in love with. Though to them dating someone from the same sex is taboo and not the normal for them so many more people accept it than maybe five years ago. She is going to have to stand up to her parent at one time or another but she may not have the strength to do so right now. What you are truly going to have to figure out is if you are willing to wait longer possibly a one or two more years and if you are not then you have to do what make you happy. We are all in control of our own happiness and if you are not happy with the relationship you are in now then you have find someone that will be there for you as much as you are there for them.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

If I've accepted being in a Long Distance Relationship for 2.5 years & my partner rejects me for meeting in person. I've grown to be resentful more and more each day. We fight about our situation everyday & its getting to the point that we both don't seem to care anymore. My partners illness has taken alot out of me. I took the punches everyday being scolded, humiliated, taken for granted & I still tried to continue to love this person & support her financially. Although, it seems that she doesn't care for me & only the financial giving is an important matter. I don't know what to do. Out of anger I lash out asking my partner when am I going to have my opportunity to meet her in person. She doesn't seem enthusiatic about meeting me anymore. I would get a terrible response for example, "Come & visit, get it over with" because she feels guilty for denying my visits in the past & she's also tired of fighting over the same thing everyday. I know deeply her family is not accepting our relationship, knowing that I am a gay woman. But she's a grown woman herself! She knew what she was getting into when she first asked me to be committed to her through the distance. I waited patiently for 2.5 years & been denied numerous times. I don't know what to do. She claims to get it over with & visit her in Illinois, but at the same time that is not what she wants in her heart. I feel confused about my visiting in person & feel that my relationship is coming to an end because of the grief we both cause eachother. I experience this everyday with my phone calls. Can you help?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It's sounds like you are ready for some closure so that you can find someone that will appreciate you and not the financial things you can do for them. A relationship is give and take not take, take ,take. You really need to decide if you are willing to wait another two and a half years to see her. To be honest with you I don't think she was ever going to meet you and she was only using you for what you can do for her financially. I really think you need a break from the situation and everything you are going through I would suggest no contact for a while maybe a week or two give yourself time to think about everything you been through with her and what you want and if it is possible for you to find someone that will actually treat you well. Two and a half years is long enough to want to meet finally, I think she may be hiding something from you and that is why she doesn't want to meet. You have to learn your worth and feel that you deserve better from your mate and until she is willing to come out to her parents and everyone else she may not be the one for you as much as you love her and want to be with her she doesn't seem to want that same thing with you. You should really find someone that is going to respect and love you for you and not your net worth.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,

It's been a very sad weekend for meCry I usually give Melissa a little allowance on fridays, so she can have the freedom to do something good for herself. Although, we've been fighting so much this past week, I didn't feel it in my heart to be giving out of kindness, after being yelled at & threatened on Thursday argument. The hurtful words my partner speaks to me, "I hate you, you're nothing, stupid, leave me alone, I want you to leave, etc." These were just a few words spoken to belittle me and made me to feel wrong. I left it alone and prayed about it and decided to not give anything. What I received in return was being ignored & invalidated all day friday. So I allowed things to calm down Saturday. Although, the threats she instilled in me to play on my worst fear, asked to leave & feel abandoned, I couldn't handle feeling this way, so I sent her a $100 dollars on Sunday to help her prepare for a good Easter. Despite of this small token of my affection, she needed another $50 dollars, but I hesitated to not give in to her request. Despite of her selfish reasons, I also sent her a small easter basket to send her good blessings for the easter holiday. I didn't expect anything in return, but I did receive anger, invalidation, humility, being yelled at for calling to check up on her if she's okay. When I would call, she would give me a hateful tone of voice, I didn't know calling your partner was such a burden. So, I had enough of the abuse yesterday & told her, whichever way I do things or if I don't, she claims giving was not important in this relationship, but I told her that playing on my fears to invalidate me as a partner is wrong. I don't deserve any of her harsh treatments. I even gave her the consideration to NOT impose myself to her hateful family, knowing that they don't accept my relationship & cause my girlfriend more stress & grief, so I MADE the decision not to come. I decided when things get better in time like you've mentioned in your first advice that I should wait. Now it's time to HEAL myself, I need help for me! Innocent
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

The only way you are going to heal from this is to give yourself time and space you have gotten so use to being there for her and waiting for her to call you or you calling her that you have lost yourself in her and don't know how to get yourself back. What you are going to have to do is to cut all contact with her while you are doing this or getting your self esteem back won't be easy because she will be there belittling you and making you feel less. I'm sure you have heard the saying "love shouldn't hurt" it's time for you to let go of the hurt (Which is your girlfriend) and get reacquainted with old friend that you use to hang out with before you met your girlfriend and get out and have fun it doesn't mean go out and find someone else it means to enjoy being with friends and going to dinner or the movies, just as long as you are out and about and not sitting at home thinking about your girlfriend, you have to show her that if her behavior continues it may mean the end to your relationship but you have to be strong enough not to call her or give into her demands.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello KimberlyFCry

Its been a very hard past few days. Unfortunately, I cut off my communication with my partner on Sunday. So I let things cool down for several days without calling. After the horrible words she expressed, I've realized that its time to allow ourselves to heal from the verbal damage we've both caused eachother. I've done alot wrong in my relationship! Although, I feel terrible about not taking responsibility of certain things, and I've blamed her and judged my partner for the hurt she's caused me. Especially, the fact that she doesn't want to see me in person. She claims that love should have no time limits BUT how much time was I suppose to invest? I've invested 2.5 years of my life not having the opportunity to meet this person.

Sorry but I'm going to ramble on for the need to vent. I've felt so neglected for a long time and she did try her best to change, but everytime she would have such a bad day, I was always her primary kicking boardFrown I would make excuses for her that she's not feeling well, its the chemo drugs or her family being so verbally abusive. Her living environment is that way everyday! I gave her the means to change her lifestyle but she was too afraid to change things. I stayed with her as long I could but her hostility grew more in time and knowing she was not happy with me anymore for the insecurities I've added to her life and setting boundaries for myself, I didn't know how else to fix my relationship. This saddens me, because I Love my partner so much! But I also can't be in a relationship where I am manipulated alot of times to give financial support. This makes me feel ill about my relationship. I know she didn't mean wrong. She felt like such a burden to her family since she can't work with her illness, but does this give her the right to use me and abuse me for her own personal gains? Is this really love? I confused Love with Pity! Because I was so terrified that she will leave me. Despite out of the decisions I've made, whether its for the best or not...The only way we will both heal from the hurt is detoxifying ourselves from what's hurting us, eachother. This is very hard. She doesn't call me anymore, but she does text message me this past week to vent out her hurts and frustrations. I hurt her so much and I feel so terrible for taking out my frustrations and pressuring her about meeting in person. But I felt the need to change my relationship with her since there was so much strain between us. Do you think in time things will be different? I feel so sad and empty about my life! Cry
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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