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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I need advice on how to break up with my boyfriend.. I cant

Resolved Question:

I need advice on how to break up with my boyfriend.. I can't seem t ofind the words. I've never been i na long, serious relationship such as this where I still so powerfully cared about the other person...and I'm just having trouble coming up with a dialouge of any kind.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

How long have you been together?

 

What is your reason for splitting up with him?

 

If he was willing to work on the reasons would you consider staying?

 

Any children together?

 

Are you sure this is what you want?

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Did my reply come through?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No, it looks like nothing has came though as a reply to the above questions.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I don't see it showing up.. Lets try again. We have been together for 3 years (in June). We have very different long term goals (or outlooks). I realized it fairly early on in the relationship, but I felt it was stupid to worry about something like whether or not he'd want to move out of the state when I finish school - in 6 years - when we'd only been together for a year or two. Stuff like that has been pushed to the back of my head ever since. Here is an example: I work full time and go to school part time. I want to finish college (this is my 3rd attempt, and I'm determined), hopefully end up with a career I enjoy, and MOVE OUT OF INDIANA!!!! He doesn't want to leave here, ever. Also, I understand school isn't for everbody, but he is completely content with his life. He is 32 years old, works at a furniture rental company, likes the job, likes his co-workers and boss, and makes $10 an hour. Being stagnant in that type of position isn't going to facilitate moving in the future, enjoying vacation once a year, or *gasp*, EVER retiring. Also, his family is EXTREMELY religious (dad is a pastor).. I'm not. His sister finds it funny to jokingly call me an athiest. I don't have any major problems with them, but I don't love them. I love him a great deal, and he's treated me better than anyone I've EVER been with. However, I've been contemplating all of this for almost a month now and I almost feel like I'm stringing him along because I already know what the outcome will be. I just feel like we've gone so far into a deep, serious, loving relationship.. I would personally be COMPLETELY devastated if the reason for my being turned to me one day and simply said "I'm just not that happy any more". I feel he deserves SOME type of reason, answer, or explanation. No children, thank goodness... I've been thinking about this for about a month now (and have ended up on Xanax as a result) and no other resolution seems plausible in my mind. Sure, he'd be willing to work out or DO literally ANYTHING. If I just up and said I'm moving, he'd eventually go too. If I wanted him to get a second job, he would. If I wanted him to lose weight, he would. If I wanted him to go back to school, he'd try. But I don't want him to do any of these things simply because I want him to - I want HIM to want something for himself... And he just doesn't. He is very self-defeating. So, I don't want him to try to change or do all these things for me if it's not what he wants and it causes him to resent me in the long run...
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It sounds like you really love him...........seldom do we see many couples who would rather leave then ask a man to change. The things you do not like about him are not personality changes and therefor allowing him to change is not something that would be bad.

 

I mean in the long run what are your key problems:

 

1) Moving: Yes some people really like where they are from. But when looking at true love most people find this isn't such a big deal after all. The fact is relationships are about sacrifices and growing.

 

2) His job: OK so I will agree with you at his age he should want something more for himself. But many men look at it like they are happy so why change? At the end of the day if there is no motivation to change careers then why should he. Asking him to think about his future and how his current path is going isn't changing him........its letting him know what you want out of life and allowing him to decide what he wants.

 

3) A lot of couples do not love........or even like their partners family. But you grin and bear it. As for his sister you can talk to her and let her know how this makes you feel. This is so easily fixed it is like a little burp in life.

 

The fact is any good relationship takes work, you will NEVER find someone who is perfect in every way and who fits perfectly in your life. If your looking for someone who will fit like a glove with no real work you will be disappointed in life again and again. When you find someone you love and its a good match you sit down and work out the problems and at least give it a try. From your above statements I feel that you really love this guy and he is a good man........but your not willing to work on the issues that bother you. The changes that you want are not anything that would cause resentment, they are normal every day changes that people make for love.

 

At the end of the day it is about what you want. If you really do not think it will ever go anywhere then being honest with him now is your best route. After 3 years I think he deserves the truth. The problem is by giving him the truth you are setting him up to decide to change regardless........he will likely open his eyes and make the changes in the hopes he will get you back, and in the long run he will not do so. Of course this makes it better for his future relationships so all is not lost.

 

I would suggest sitting down with him and letting him know what is bothering you and the choices you have made. Do not string him along by using the "I need space" Or "Its me not you" Be honest, let him know the problems. He will likely beg you to give him a chance to change. If your willing then consider it.......if not be firm. Let him know that you do not want him to change for you but for himself and that while you love him you simply do not see a future with him. By being honest with him you prevent him from finding out that you were lying and you prevent yourself from feeling guilty later on in life.

 

The fact is he is going to be hurt regardless of how you do this, there is no words that are going to make it easier or better for him. 3 years is a good investment in a relationship so be prepared for his pain. Do not brush him off or be rude with him......be gentle and be kind.

 

I wish you the best with this, and if you need anything please let me know.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I appreciate your help and advice, and I do want to mention one more 'problem' - a big one.

I am his whole, entire world. Literally. And that is the way he likes it. He doesn't have friends that he hangs out with, he doesn't have any extracurricular activities, he doesn't EVER go out on the weekends, he RARELY goes to see his family unless I go too, etc etc etc. It's a tremendous order to fill, being someones reason for existance. I would be willing to bet that if I forwarded along some of the emails and texts, etc that he's sent me sporadically throughout the relationship, you would want to grab him up by his ear and tell him to grow a pair!!!! He's very loving and attentive, but I'm very outgoing and free.. So, to put it in a way that is going to make me sound like a bitch - he's cramping my style. It's hard maintain friendships I've had for years (with males and females alike) and try new activities, etc, when he doesn't want to participate and wants me all to himself.

Just saying.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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