replied 8 years ago.
You are so right about the TRO. I know me, and I probably would be humiliating myself more than the TRO humiliated me, by doing some rash action out of (I don't like to say anger) more like frustration or just feeling so USED and LIED to, and of course, my favorite it seems, ABANDONED.
I may go back to that, but for the moment, I am more concerned about the Valium than I might have expressed. Or, actually - here is my thought (and fact)...Going right back to paragraph one, I was doing fine. Rarely!!!!! taking them. I mean not even once a month. Like I said, I think before, my goal when I moved back to California in July 2007 was to get very involved with the church. I was even, and yes I would call it forcing, myself to go to dinners where I knew NO ONE in a quest to make the RIGHT friends. Or, as close to RIGHT (being they were Christians). That was not easy, and I think it is a reason I was so vulnerable for Ben, strangely. I remember the dinners, and even just sitting there, while everyone else knew each other. I would try to mingle in as best I could, and sometimes it went OK. Also, I was going to a Depression Support group on Tuesday night (which I am not sure actually for me...most were bi-polar which is very different than Major Depression). You will think I am mean, but I have expressed my love of the show Seinfeld, I think. For me, the group was almost like Seinfeld collecting material for his acts. It is not funny. One thing I did get out of it was my gratitude to God, that my Depression was not the category. The head of the group for one (she is much better now), but there was a time in her life she thought she was Jesus Christ. Another guy was on a six-month "high," got married, travelled up the east coast with the "wife," other things, all to come "down" to looking at the poor woman and it was like, "who are you?" If I feel bad, just think how that woman must have felt? Anyway, then Wednesdays, and this is poignant*, I would go to a Bible Study with about 20 women. That was pretty cool. * Poignant - Ben, AT THE BEGINNNING, once wanted me to SKIP my Bible Study because Wednesday was his bowling night where it was like his furlough night from the prison and warden. I remember, saying, "no" (and, of course, that made him like me more, BACK THEN!). I even "shared" that at the Bible Study, and all the women applauded me. (Right now in the middle of this writing, I am so happy to have you to talk to, thank you, Cher.) Then, on Saturday night, I went to church, and went to the same service on Sunday. I will have to say that I do not miss the dinners. They were not for me. I will have to say my fatigue problem did enter into the routine sometimes, once sleeping in my car after the Wednesday night Bible Study outside the woman's house (too tired to drive the 30 minutes home). And, also, the Agoraphobia was at bay. It was there, but it was manageable. I think a part of it stemmed from the intense walking in May and June 2007 that prepared me (gave me strength) to move back to California. Let's face it, walking five miles caused me to be OUTSIDE for one to two hours. Agoraphobia - outside...
OK - So that was pretty much my life pre-Ben. Then, enter Ben, and it all went away. All that went away and in its place waiting around for him to have time for me, or have me be a priority. I could say I hate him for that. But hate is too strong of a word, and I do not like to use it. I don't like the word angry either especially being under the BIG TRO. But, there are strong emotions. I guess they are betrayal, injustice, deception, being used and lied to, and the broken promise to never abandon me. Maybe it would help me to turn that all around in my mind. I abandoned him. I knew when I called his wife and told her she had a lying cheat for a husband (did I tell you I even told her, "Maybe if you had had sex with him in the past 35 years, all this would not have happened."). It's true. I know him. He is not the type to stray if he is satisfied. I think I know him. Who knows? Anyway, where am I?
Going back to the Valium, even through all the uncomfortable dinners, and getting to know people, I could face it without, I like to call it "assistance" (Valium). Enter Ben, and from that first lunch, to relax I took one, and pretty much took one a day for 18 months.
So, yes, like you say, I am prescribed them, and am using them as such. But, I guess I look at the TRO where he mentions emotional distress because of some communications which were nothing but authored by him and true. Yes, it was my putting the pill down my throat, so I am responsible, but it just galls me that that did not occur DAILY prior to him. I guess I did not want him to see me in my potential meltdown state. Although, he would later. But, initially that led to chonic use.
Roxie had four puppies. They are muts. I love animals, too, but do not agree with anything but fixing your dogs to not propagate. There are just too many animals without homes already. Here I go, but it just crossed my mind to tell them I would pay to have Roxie fixed. This is her second litter in a year. Hence, every time she goes into heat, she gets pregnant. But, NO. It is their responsibility. I have enough issues of my own, to take on the well-being of the familia perros/perra and her offspring. Being an animal lover, too, one can feel torn to "save the world," but, NO.
Want to talk a little about tutoring? Monday after school, Julissa comes home with her lessons for the week. Instantly, she becomes my friend after being snotty for a couple days. Don't they realize how transparent they are? And, on top of it, I think I have relayed I have very keen senses. (I know, well then what was my problem with Ben using me - I knew it, just could not pull myself out of it without the drastic action.) I told Julissa we were going to go down and do her lessons with her mother in attendance. We did, but this made the mother very uncomfortable in her lack of being able to help. But, it is about time, they see what I do for Julissa. Then, Julissa came to my room to do her spelling quiz. I told her to have her mother do it first, then I would do it the second time. With her mother, out of 16 she got 6 wrong which is an F. She came into me, and a part of it was to study the words she spelled wrong, but she dropped down to four wrong. She kept writing exacly. Yes, that is sort of how it sounds, but she kept leaving out the t. So, I told her to think of Tobey (one of her dogs), and Taylor (one of my friends she knows). Now, if she gets them in the correct order, I don't know. She has until Friday to get them write. One thing is they have her speak so much Spanish that she does not get the day to day just by coming across English words knowledge. Anyway, though, I held my own on this, of which none was wrong for me to do. I think they think I am a "bitch" for not just being a pushover, and helping while they watch their soap operas.
I also went to Wal Mart without asking Julissa to go, and came back with no "surprises" for anyone. All me. Believe me, I am the epitome of fair. I do contribute basic household goods on a very frequent basis. I understand paper towels, dish soap, and the like are needed, and I ensure I provide these in accordance with my use.
Cher, they are going to notice a change in me. They are going to buck this parent-attended tutoring behind closed doors to stonewall me into it. They are going to notice I am no longer spoiling Julissa. I think I am realizing my abandonment issue. If I start out with good boundaries, people accept or don't accept those boundaries from the get go. But, I tend to have loose boundaries from the get go, that when I "wise up" and things become just downright fair, the people who have been "spoiled" by using me, suddenly find me acting like a bitch, and throw me away. Ben loved me at the beginning when I was just going along with his agenda. Of course, he was a lot nicer, too. When he became more aloof, I showed emotion which did not fit in his box for me which accepted only the five faves: Charm, wit, fun, cute, and sexy. Had I had boundaries from the get go, who knows. Men are a poor example, especially AT THE BEGINNING...because they actually like it when you are bossy and making them work to, let's face the facts, get in your pants. But, generally, one must establish their boundaries from the onset. Because, a contrast means you have become difficult although it is really that you have become reasonable. Anyway....
Going to try to get a few things done here.
One last thing about the TRO. You know how I was hurt or whatever emotion I felt/feel about his lying about our relationship (I was a friend he saw periodically). That is a lie, and I thought you were not supposed to lie to the court. Though, vague terms, still the reality in front of a reasonable doubt and certainty thinking judge, would compare quite differently than periodic friend. OK here's the deal. These attorneys say don't worry about that. But, just to speculate, what if he had said something like I drew a knife on him, or I was gay (not that there's anything wrong with that - Seinfeld), or I tried to break into his house or something? That is why I don't feel this lying on court papers is something "not to worry about."
Yes - In my heart, I know Ben thinks of me. Most of the time with, "why did she have to go and blow a good thing." He is never to blame as you know. One thing about him, is with the little knowledge I have about Depression, I do feel he may be slightly bi-polar. Or, should I say, just, well, in need of therapy. Any guy whose wife cuts him off in his late 20s, would feel inadequate. That is just one emotion, he has never received any help on. Perhaps if he had, he would not have had to seek out a vulnerable woman. I think it is when he has those few moments he used to think were God's (Buddha's) gift to me that he would spend with me, are now for HIM, there's nothing to do. But, who cares.