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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Im really confused...there is this guy that I live in the

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I'm really confused...there is this guy that I live in the same house with and in the beginning we hooked up but is was more sexual...we didn't really seem to have too much in common. But then there was a night when we talked for 6 hours and really got along. Afterwards he told some friends that it was the best conversation that he has ever had with a girl. He didn't really make a move though unless he was drinking...and then he would tell me all the time that we are like girlfriend and boyfriend and that he really likes me and that I'm awesome but that he doesn't think that he is mature enough for a relationship. He told a friend of mine that he thinks that I'm perfect for him and that he really cares about me but he is not old enough to be in a relationship like this (he is 24). We hooked up again and again but afterwards he went on a distance and seemed to push me away for a few days until he would tell me all these things again. He just left for a few weeks and before he left we didn't hook up for the last 1 1/2 weeks and he seemed to be very distant and then there would be a day when he was really happy to see me again. There is this other girl that lives in the house that he made out with on his leaving party right in front of me and I started crying and left the room. I heard from my friends that he saw me crying...he even told a guyfriend of mine afterwards that he really likes me but that him and the other girl keep on messing up because she always comes on to him...(they had made out before, when they were drunk). The last night he told me that he never wanted to hurt me and that everything he had said to me was true. He said that we are like husband and wife but that he is just not ready for this yet. The next day I got up early and went to his room to say goodbye to him. I knocked on his door and thought he had told me to come in but I'm pretty sure he didn't because I went in and the other girl was lying in bed with him. I just left the room and he left without saying goodbye to me. Now he will be gone for 1 month and 1/2 and since he left I know he has chatted to the other girl and he asked her to send him a picture from the other night on which they are making out...so she did and he posted it on his facebook. It really hurt me and he knew that. I wrote him an email (just asking him how he was doing) but for a while he seemed to ignore me. Every time we were online at the same time he wouldn't talk to me for a while...now he finally wrote me back telling me how he is doing and that he hopes that things are ok between us. He keeps on making comments on the other girls site about her boobs and he told her the night she was in his bed that she was hot and that he had been wanting to sleep with her for a while.
Question: Why was he ignoring me for a while? Can I believe anything he said to me?
Why is he trying to hurt me with the other girl?
Why was he pulling away although he thought I was perfect for him?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

From your description of the situation, I don't think he's trying to hurt you with the other girl, and yes, I think you can believe what he has told you. He told you from the beginning, that he felt he was not mature enough for a relationship, and I think he's right. He was trying to tell you that he did not want to be tied to one girl, and wants to feel free to date and sleep with, whomever he would like to.

Even though you had that long talk, get along great, and hook up, you said, mainly when he's drunk, he is in no way, ready to settle down and commit to one girl.

It's a shame that he was making out with, and ended up sleeping with that other girl, the night before he left; I know that was very hurtful for you, and he should have thought twice about what he was doing, knowing you were right there, but he was most likely drinking a lot and didn't give anything much thought, except that she was there, made herself available, and he slept with her.

I think he didn't answer your email, initially, because he was embarrassed and knew that he hurt you, unintentionally. It's not you, it's HIM. He felt like slime, because of his behavior that last night, and he just couldn't face writing back to you, until some more time passed, and some of his guilt had decreased.

Keep up your emails with him, be light and flirty and amusing, and see how things go when he comes home. Don't go to the other girl's site, and read what he says, as it will only aggravate you. He shouldn't be saying such private things on a public site, anyway.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18961
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello Cher,

 

Thanks for your help!

I wrote him back and in my email I am - as you suggested - light and flirty but he hasn't replied yet after 3 days and I know that he was chatting to the other girl this morning.

I just don't understand why he keeps on ignoring me...he saw that I was online this morning and a few times before but he won't talk to me (I don't initiate a conversation either)...he will talk to all the other people in the house though and especially to her.

Do you think he is falling for the other girl now or does he still feel guilty? Or do you think he wants to go on more of a distance because of his fear of commitment? Why do you think he keeps on chatting to her if he doesn't want to have a girlfriend...he seems to be leading her on?

I just don't understand why he said all these things to me but seems to want her and doesn't even want to talk to me.

 

This is how it was a few times before...a couple of times after telling me how much he liked me,and how awesome and perfect I was he would hit on her...and pretty much ignore me. There was this one time when I would enter the room and he would leave every time I entered the room he was in.

He is really confusing me, what should I do? Do you think I should keep up the email contact if he happens to write back or just stop talking to him completely?

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply, accept, and generous bonus; they are all greatly appreciated.

At this point, I think you should wait a few days and see if you get an email from him, and yes, you can respond, but not right away. Wait a day or two and then send him an answer, implying "I'm busy, too." You can keep up the emailing, if he does answer, but at this point, I think you'll have to wait for him to return, to know what's going on, and make some decisions.

If he truly felt about you, the way he said he did, I don't understand why he would leave the room when you entered, either. It makes no sense. He may be afraid things will progress with you, and he's trying to avoid that--not a bad reflection on YOU, but again, due to HIS own insecurities.

I think he needs to make a decision about what kind of relationship he wants with you, and it would not be wrong for you to discuss this with him, when he comes home. Don't act like you're angry or upset, just ask him, matter of factly and see what he has to say.

If he continues to be in touch with, and speak to this other girl on a steady basis, and knows that you're aware of this, he should know it's hurtful to you and that's not right. Don't mention the other girl, but if he can't make a commitment to you at this time, hold back a little bit, and see if he comes after you; don't chase HIM.

I think you'll have to wait until he comes back, to see him in person, have this discussion, and see what his attitude and response are, then decide if you want to pursue him.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18961
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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