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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18654
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I am looking for someplace that will give me a make-over and

Resolved Question:

I am looking for someplace that will give me a make-over and help me take some sexy pictures (clean) so that I can give them to my husband. I am not sure there is any place like that around where I live or not, but I was hoping I could get some suggestions on how to start looking for something like that. I am 43 years old and I don't feel like I am all that ugly but I do have a very ugly scar going from below my breast down to the top of my pelvic area. My husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years, we have one son who is 8 1/2 years old and he has only had sex with me 2 times since my son was born. For so many years I was about 180 to 200 lbs and when I met my husband I was 145 lbs. I knew my husband didn't like overweight women, but I never thought I could get that big. I got sick recently and lost 70 lbs. I got bact to 145 to 150 but still my husband won't touch me. I have more to say but am running out of room. Can I type more in my reply to the expert?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

Yes, by all means, please continue with all the details and information that will help me to provide you with the most complete answer.

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

My husband wouldn't touch me all these years because he said that I was to fat. That finally came out in an arguement about 5 years ago. I got sick, as I stated before, and was sick for the past 3 years. That is why I have the ugly scar. My large intestine ruptured and I had to have it removed and since I was so toxic, they had to cut me open to clean me out. If you know what I mean? Anyway, I am on the road to recovery and since this past summer I have been throwing hints to my husband about me getting some of those old feelings back. He just smiles and says good. But still no touch. My husband has had alot of back problems and was on pain medication for the longest time and he said that was one reason why he doesn't feel sexual anymore. Since I was sick, I didn't let it bother me. It made me feel better because I wasn't always thinking that he was going elsewhere to get sex. But when I mentioned to him that I was getting my feeling back, and wondered why he hadn't touched me again yet. He said that "You have to understand, I was nervous about touching for for a long time now." because of my medical problems. I thought that was pretty lame but I listened and accepted it. This happened over the summer. And still I wasn't worried about him going elsewhere. So I just kept giving little hints here and there and he wasn't falling for them. Of course I would have tried to take the initiative but in the past when I too the initiative, I got turned down and it made me scared to try again. I figured if I gave hints then he would take the initiative and try something. Since he didn't, I assumed he still just didn't have the desire. Until a week ago. I came downstairs at 3 in the morning and scared him. I didn't know why I scared him at the time but then I thought I saw him hide something. So I waited a bit and tried to think of something to make him move to where I could see what he was hiding. When I asked him to get up, he came out and said "no". But then he did get up and I saw him put something in his pocket. When I asked him what he put in his pocket, he lied and said "nothing." So I asked him what was he trying hide from me and he kept lieing. Now he knows I hate liers more than anything. So I don't understand how he thought he would get away with lieing to me. Anyway, I kept on him til I found out what he was doing. And what he was doing was "jerking off" Excuse my language. Course I got upset and said "why would you choose to go to your hand when you have a wife who is perfectly willing to satisfy you anytime?" He couldn't answer that. So I got upset and said that at least now I know that he just doesn't want me anymore and I went up to bed. Course I didn't sleep, I just cried the rest of the night. The next morning I had to get my son to school so I didn't show that I was still very much upset. When I got back my husband apoloized for what happened and we talked and I thought I got it through to his head that I just need him to want me. Not just for sex but to hold and cuddle and stuff like that. He had said that he knew he had to start to pay more attention to my needs and I really thought something was going to happen. But still nothing has happened and I get more upset each day that goes by that nothing happens. He had said that he was afraid to start something with me and not be able to finish and he knew that would upset me more. So he had suggested that he might need help professionally. I thought , wow! Maybe he really does want to try. Then we saw a commercial on Viagra, and I had said "how about that stuff?" And he said, Ok, I will call the doctor tomorrow and see what I can do. But when tomorrow came, he didn't call and when I brought it to his attention he started to say he was gonna call, then he changed his mind. Something about not wanting to explain why he needed it. So of course that upset me. So I wrote him a note about the other thing we saw on tv about Extenze. Heard of it? Well he told me to go ahead and order it because you don't need a doctor to get it. I feel like this is a problem the is all him, but how do I get him to realize that he needs to do something about it? I mean, I told him that I don't understand why he would want to go through the rest of his life with me and not have sex and he won't respond to that. So I don't know what to think. So I figured maybe if I got someone to make me look real good and sexy and take a picture of me, then maybe that would turn him on again to me. Cause he use to like all that sexy stuff. Sorry for taking so long to write everything. Hope you didn't fall asleep reading this. lol Hope you can help me in some way.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your detailed reply.

No, I didn't fall asleep reading it! : ) You expressed yourself very well, and helped me to understand the many facets of the problem.

I don't think your husband is not paying attention to you in a sexual way, because of the way you look, and I can recommend how to get some beautiful photos taken, later, but first I'd like to concentrate on the main problem.

It was 'key', when you asked him why he didn't make love to you, but resorted to pleasuring himself, without your knowledge, and he said 'I don't want to start something I may not be able to finish.' He's afraid he won't 'last' and will leave you feeling disappointed/unsatisfied, in addition to feeling embarrassed and 'inadequate' if this should happen while your making love.

I also think he's not being generally affectionate, loving and cuddly with you, because he knows it will lead to you expecting it to culminate in lovemaking (and you would have every right to expect that!), and he's afraid he won't be able to satisfy you. Men are very sensitive about these things, and if they feel they won't be able to have the endurance to last during lovemaking, it terrifies them. While your idea of seeing a doctor and/or therapist about this problem is excellent, and he agreed at first, he's embarrassed to discuss such an intimate, personal subject with any doctor, and that's why he told you he'd make an appointment, but then put it off.

Viagra may help, if he needs it, but again, this should be prescribed, if necessary, by his doctor, who knows his medical history, etc.; I've seen the commercials for Extenze and to tell you the truth, I'd be reluctant to try something that wasn't or doesn't need to be, prescribed by a doctor. I have a feeling it's a whole bunch of nothing, and you'd be wasting your money.

At this point, I'd definitely take the reins and make a doctor's appointment for him, and accompany him; don't go into the actual office with him when he sees the doctor, but do go with him to the appointment. Tell him that the doctor knows his medical history and many men who experience the problem he described, do go to their doctors to discuss the problem and get a prescription for something like Viagra, if the doctor feels it's safe (according to any other meds he may be taking) and it may be of help. A doctor is a doctor, and he's heard and seen it all, so he shouldn't be embarrassed.

I also think it would be a very good idea to start seeing a therapist together, one who is very experienced in marriage counseling and sexual dysfunction issues. Don't EVER mention the words 'sexual dysfunction' to your husband, as I feel it will worsen the problem. Research therapists in your area, on your own, call a few, ask to 'interview' them, and choose one with whom you will feel comfortable, and with whom you feel your husband will also feel comfortable. In your husband's case, I think he may prefer a male therapist. Just make sure he has many years experience in marriage counseling and helping with sexual problems within the marriage.

I think both your past medical histories, yours with your intestinal surgery--I'm so glad to hear that you are on the road to recovery, now--and your husband's back problems, then taking the pain medications, have interfered with your normal sex life. While he was on the medications, it might have played havoc with his libido, and in addition, even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't have sex, or it would have caused severe pain in his back, so there are many factors involved, which have derailed both of you from having a satisfying sex life.

I admire you for being so patient and trying to give your husband the chance to be intimate with you again, after such a long time, but now is the time for action, not only words.

As far as the photos go, if you have any 'Glamour Shots' or similar places in your local malls, that would be a good choice, and also, many private photographers take photos that make you look most flattering and sexy, in a tasteful manner. These places will do your hair and makeup for you, so it looks best under the bright lights/flash. Look in your local Yellow Pages under 'photography' and call a few places. Make sure to ask if they do hair and makeup, too. I had photos like these taken a few years ago, (in fact the one next to my name was one of them), and I loved the way they came out. The 'sitting' was done by a professional photographer in my area. They can take the photos as sexy and as tastefully as you like, but if you ever feel uncomfortable, i.e., if they ask you to do something you don't want to do, leave immediately. I'm not trying to alarm you, just be prepared; there are many unscrupulous people out there. Also, before your appointment, go to the studio and ask to see samples of their work. Where I went, the woman photographer showed me photos of other women who took the pics for their husbands or boyfriends and told me, you can do whatever you choose, re: the sexy factor. I saw some pictures that were beautiful, but not something I would be interested in doing, and she said, it's totally your choice. Don't emphasize the 'sexy' part when you discuss taking these photos, just be honest with the photographer and tell her (I think you should go with a woman) that you want them as a gift for your husband and would like to look great and 'attractive' for him. It can't hurt, and I think it's a great idea, but I don't think photos are going to save your marriage/sex life. You definitely have to begin therapy and your husband needs to go to his doctor, so I hope you're able to help him accomplish these seeing these professionals, ASAP.

I hope things improve for you both, soon, and please let me know how it's going. I think you have found a good starting point now, and things should go well, once you get on the right track with the right professional help!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
By the way, your picture next to your name is XXXXX XXXXX beautiful! :) And I have to say that you are great in giving advice. Everything you said hit every nail on the head!! You also helped me to try and see it from my husbands side of view. Which also helps in making me feel a little better. Because to tell you the truth, it has been a long journey and my self confidence has really taken a turn for the worse. That was why I had thought about getting the pictures done. I wasn't doing this in hopes of saving my marriage/sex life. I figured it would help my confidence and if he sees a rise in my confidence then maybe it would change the way he feels about me in that sense. He has never liked it when I put myself down and when we first got together, I was very confident and he saw that in the way I acted. I wasn't the kind of person to wait by the phone and once he saw that then he never took me for granted in that sense. He told me once after we got married, that I kept him on his toes. But after I gained so much weight and saw that it bothered him and tried but couldn't lose the weight, my self esteem went down hill and I haven't been able to get it back. Of course when I got sick and lost all that weight, I was happy (not by the way I lost it,but just that it was gone). And I really thought I would see a change in him, and when I didn't, I just got all insecure again. I was wondering if you could tell me how I am suppose to handle the fact that he does pleasure himself? He said that was one of the reasons he lied was because he didn't want me to think that he does that every chance he gets. But I do. If I am going to be gone for any length of time, of course that is what is on my mind. And it kills me. It makes me have an attitude and then he sees the attitude and doesn't talk to me. I am getting so depressed. And then there are the times when I want to take a chance and make a move on him and I get scared and don't. Do you think I should just try and make a move and talk myself into not getting upset if it doesn't go as I want it to? Maybe me making a move might not turn out as bad as I am thinking it will. But what if I try and he just flat out tells me "no". How am I suppose to handle that? I use to be the type of person that if I became unhappy in my relationship, then I would cheat and/or move onto another relationship. Now that I am married, I don't want to do that because I take my vows seriously. But to be honest with you, it does cross my mind. I even asked my husband if he would be upset if I found it elsewhere (this is when we were arguing of course) and He said he would kill us both. I said why? Why would that upset you? And he just couldn't believe that I would even ask such a question. Then I apologized and said that I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do, because we took vows before God and it is a sin. But I don't think he was thinking of that when he said he would kill us both. I just don't understand whey he wouldn't want to try and get help with this problem. I mean I know you said that most men don't like to talk about that, but to go this long and not even want to try and get some kind of help, just baffles me. I mean when I think something is wrong, I do whatever I can to try and fix it. But he is willing to just let it go until it fixes itself, I guess. But how can he fault me for wanting this from our relationship. I mean, what is wrong with wanting to make love to my husband? Why do I feel so bad for bringing it up. I do think it is a good idea to see someone, but now that I know he doesn't want to talk to a doctor, how do I bring it up again without making him mad at me? I don't want him to feel bad in any way, but I do want this fixed. I need this fixed. He has me so scared to even try and mention anything about it, that I feel I have to write it in a letter/note. I don't feel like I am wrong but he knows how to turn things around to make me feel like I am in the wrong. And you know one more thing, I lost all that weight and guess what, he is the one who has the fat belly now. lol But that doesn't bother me. I still tell him that I think he is sexy. Go figure! I am so sorry for my other questions I just wrote you. Cause I know you aren't my therapist, but I need a little guidance because I am at a loss on how to approach things anymore. You said to let you know how things are going, but how do I do that after we both leave this site tonight? If I wanted to contact you again, is there a way I can do that?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional details.

First, please don't worry about keeping in communication with me; you can always click 'reply' on your question, and I will be notified of your reply. Once we stop talking tonight, you will always be able to contact me. If 'reply' shouldn't work, for some reason, just start a new question and type 'FOR CHER' at the beginning, and I'll see it.

You're most welcome for the helpful reply and I'm glad I hit many points on the head, regarding your situation. Also, thanks for your compliment re: my picture; believe me, I wasn't 'fishing' for compliments, just wanted to show you what a good photographer can do! : )

I think right now, you need to recapture your 'confident' self, and yes, definitely take the initiative. Try your best to entice your husband and get him in the mood, with a nice candlelit dinner, romantic music, followed by perhaps a movie, sitting on the couch, where you can snuggle. A bubble bath together would also be nice. Of course, arrange for your son to sleep at a friend's or relative's that night, if you can, so you can be totally alone and uninhibited.

I understand completely, how you feel regarding his masturbation, when you're right there, ready and willing. It's easier said than done, but don't take it as a personal affront. Look upon it as the only way he can satisfy himself without the fear of inadequacy or rejection, if he can't 'perform' while making love to you.

Be honest with him. Tell him that you miss him terribly in 'that' way, you want and need affection and attention from him, and you feel that if you try to have a go at it, and proceed very gradually, he will certainly enjoy it immensely, and all he needs to do is sit back and enjoy. Try to remove any stress or 'performance anxiety' from the situation, and help him relax. At first, you might offer to 'pleasure him' without actually having intercourse. It won't be HIS hand, but yours....anything to get him started and regain his confidence in YOU (and himself) as a lover. As I mentioned, start gradually and go very slowly and kiss, caress, and stroke all his sensitive and favorite areas, like you used to, when you were newlyweds. Try to bring him back, in his mind, to that easier, happier time, and say things like: 'remember when we used to....?' If you find it too difficult to say this to his face, then write him another note/letter and tell him how you feel.

If he should out and out say 'no', to your suggestions or advances, you'll have to play quite the 'actress'. Don't argue; don't make him feel badly. Tell him you're disappointed, and you'd love to do something to help him regain HIS confidence, so you're going to make an appointment for both of you to see a counselor to get to the bottom of the problem and then find resolutions. I feel, at this sensitive time, if you blow up at him, it will only make things worse.
At the same time, you definitely are entitled to make love to your husband, and his refusal, if he does refuse all your advances, needs to be dealt with by a professional. If he won't go to someone's office, how about having someone come to you? That's done also. Make it easiest for him, and once you start sessions, I think he'll feel more empowered in learning strategies to help overcome the obstacles he's facing. You'll also benefit from the therapy, of course, in getting your marriage back on track.

I understand your thoughts turning to 'cheating', but I agree that you shouldn't betray your marriage vows and I do think this is a 'fixable' situation. He just has to cooperate. Yes, easier said than done! : )

Yes, it's quite ironic that now HE has a belly, isn't it? lol It's terrific that you lost the weight, and yes, you'd rather not have to go through what you did, to lose it, but it happened, and it's done, and I'm sure you look wonderful; however, I'm sure you looked wonderful when you were heavier, too, and it's the person inside that counts and you sound like a very sensitive, intuitive, and intelligent woman, so don't let this shatter your confidence. You used to be confident, you said he hates it when you're unsure of yourself, so this is the perfect time for you to be the demonstrative and aggressive one, but just take it slowly so he doesn't get scared off.

Keep giving yourself 'pep' talks and believe you can do this. I realize you're not the only one in the game, but if your confidence is high, I think it will cause HIS confidence to return, as well.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well this was certainly an experience talking to you about everything. Thank you so very much. I don't have anyone to talk to so this helped out a whole lot. You have definitely given me some things to think about and I am going to keep all your words of wisdom so that I can re-read when ever I feel down on myself while I am taking these matters slowly. I will definitely take your advice and I am so glad that I can come back and reply to this and get you or if I have to say for you only then I am happy either way. You were very understanding to my situation and I thank you for that, because my husband has a way of making me feel bad for how I feel, so thank you for reassuring me that I am not wrong for how I am thinking. I will let you go for now, but I am definitely going to take your advise. You take care and I hope you will be hearing from me again very soon! :) Thanks again, you were terrific. I am so happy there are people like you on this site. I have never been disappointed when I have a question. I think this site is wonderful. Have a wonderful night. Bye! Bye! :)
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're so very welcome! It was my pleasure to help you and I'm glad many of the things I suggested, make sense to you, and have given you renewed hope!

I look forward to an update from you, soon, with some positive news!

Please don't forget to click 'accept', since you found my answer helpful; I appreciate it! : )

Regards,
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18654
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Cher,

 

I hope you get this message. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for taking so long to accept your answers to my questions. I was completely satisfied but it totally slipped my mind to accept so that you could be paid. I am so sorry. Luckily we get reminder emails to let us know what we still need to do.

 

Again, I apologize for taking so long to get you paid for your answers.

 

Thank you and have a wonderful Mothers Day! (That is if you are a mother)

 

Sincerely,

Amanda

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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