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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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got arrested for trying to cheat cant bare to tell wife yet

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i was arrested earlier this week for prostitution (undercover) charges. i've been having doubts about my marriage and i've been using the internet as an outlet. i'd admit im not a saint online and probably shouldnt have said a lot of things. now it's all coming to haunt me. my question is i won't know all the full details of the charges yet till maybe a few weeks. it's really killing me not to tell my wife what happened. she wasnt home that night and she was pissed off for not calling. theres a chance i might get a slap on the wrist because its the first time ive ever been arrested, but it can be the opposite and be really terrible for me. this event made me realize i love my wife so much. should i wait to see what happens with the court charges or should i pray its not that bad and she will never find out? i am such a wreck. she thinks ive been sick all week, but im really sick with guilt and fear. if i do not tell her yet how do i cope with the guilt until i find out the charges?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Bad situation to say the least, often it takes losing those we love the most to see how much we do love them. I am never a advocate for lying............the fact is your wife has the right to know what her marriage is really about and given the opportunity to decide what she wants with all the facts on the table.

 

With that being said, it will not be easy. You have two options really.

 

The first option is to hold off telling her, if you get a slap on the wrist you walk away with no harm no foul. The problem is these things never seem to stay under wraps. Should she be checking online sometime and bring up the court case you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. Not to mention all the other ways that she could find out. While keeping silent may seem like the best bet the reality of it is there are so many different variables where she could find out. And if you fail to tell her before she finds out she is going to assume you learned nothing since you continued to lie to her.

 

The second option is to face the music, not only is this prospect scary but it could cost you your wife. I wish I could tell you otherwise but some women are stickers about these kinds of things and the fact is even if she does forgive you she is going to be mad as all get out at you! Though even knowing all this, it is still your best route.

 

Here is why, women always assume a man is sneaky and convincing. If you wait to tell her until after the hearing (Assuming you get in big trouble) she is going to wonder if you would have hidden this from her if all you got was a slap on the wrist (And with good cause since that is what we are debating here). Her thinking this is FAR WORSE then any anger you will get over your actions. The reason is she is going to assume, that you only told her because you had to and next time you will just be more careful.

 

By telling her now, you get to at least pull the (I made a mistake) card. The fact is by being up front and honest about the whole situation you are easier to forgive.

 

Now here is the situation, when telling her be prepared for anger. Now this means accept fault. Do not look for excuses and do not blame this on the marriage. Be honest, the best way to be honest is to sit down before hand and be honest with yourself. No matter how confused you were about your marriage that is no excuse to do what you did. Tell her the truth, you allowed yourself to get sucked into the darker side of the Internet and slowly over time allowed yourself to make bad choices until you hit rock bottom and screwed up. She is far more apt to forgive you with the truth then with excuses. The minute you say "Well I was confused about how I felt" or "Things have been rough in our marriage" you are going to shoot yourself in the foot. Women look at this like you are blaming them..........pretty much might as well say "If you were a better wife, and made me happy I would not have done this" Which is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. You must be very careful how you handle what you say. Even the slightest excuse to try and make you look better could backfire.

 

By being honest, and saying "Honey I know this is my fault, and you have been a excellent wife" you are showing her that you know what you did, you know you made a mistake, and you know you are never going to do it again. Women can often forgive a man........but only if he takes responsibility for his actions. You can also drop the hint that you could have hidden this (Since you may walk away with a slap on the wrist) but you instead made the choice to come clean with her because you love her and keeping it hidden would be wrong.

 

Now she is not going to be happy, but she has the right to know what you are doing and the right to make her choices knowing the full score. I would strongly suggest that YOU bring up marriage counseling. By doing this you show her that you know you messed up and are wanting to ensure it does not happen again.

 

In the end it is your choice what you do.......no one can force you to be honest. But honesty often has a habit of working itself out and making a relationship stronger then before.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Walter thanks for your response it was really good. I know if she supported me through this legal matter I would feel so much more better about it even if the worse happens to me.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

By telling her now you have a better chance of getting her support. Plus it will look better that your wife has accompanied you to the hearing and may bode better with the judge. We all make mistakes, its learning from them that separates the men from the boys. It sounds like you have learned and I really wish you the best with both your wife and your case.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

hey walter thanks for your help. i did tell my wife and of course it was really bad the first day. after that however we've been communicating much better and i feel our love could be stronger because of this. i don't know if you can help with this problem but you seem knowledgeable. court is still pending and all the what ifs are going on in my mind. it's been really hard to work, sleep, eat etc. my lawyer says we're gonna have to wait till my court date to see what happens. any tips on how to get thru these days until my court date. it's almost another month before i know my fate and im so afraid of the consequences.

 

thanks

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am glad to hear things are looking up for you and your wife with this situation. Often we become our own worse enemy's when it comes to telling the truth because we always imagine the worst when in reality most people are willing to be forgiving as long as we are honest.

 

As for your court date, the good news is this would likely be charged as a misdemeanor and the chances are slim of you getting more then a fine and maybe community service. Of course I am not a lawyer but looking at other similar cases on line may help ease your fears on the matter.

 

As for your worries, the best way to calm your self is to de stress more. Make sure you are getting fresh air and doing some exercise to help clear your mind and help you sleep better at night. When the issue pops into your mind you must find a positive place in your own mind to over come it. In other words find a happy thought Laughing Sounds Corney I know, but it truly will work. Find some thing to look forward to and begin thinking about it. Maybe a vacation planned or a vacation from the past.........hold onto the thought and give it your full attention. I have found that many people like to fantasize about a up coming activity (Vacation etc) once they settle down and this helps them to drift off without thinking about the stressfully situation.

 

Take a few minutes and do some quick research on case law or out comes on line of similar cases to see what you will likely end up with to prepare yourself. Often we fear the worst when in reality we are looking at far less of a problem then we think.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thanks walter. im just so scared right now not knowing what's gonig to happen to me. like i said im thinking the worse. i guess i'll have to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Once you have prepared yourself and accepted what may happen you will feel more comfortable. By researching what is common you will feel better in the long run.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yea i have researched what is common for first offenders. they usually end up as fines, community service and probation. if that is the outcome i would be so grateful. im just so fearful of jail or losing my driver's license. no driver's license = no job = no health insurance etc. im so afraid of those things. hopefully my lawyer can work something out for me.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hey walter any more positive words to share with me to help me feel better? i just really need some encouraging right now. thanks!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The chances of them suspending your license is slim, and jail time is even slimmer. The fact is the jails are crowed as it is and suspending your license would help no one. The likely outcome is fines and possible probation and since you have a lawyer I am sure he will plea this out for you and maybe get nothing more then a fine.

 

You made a mistake, we all make mistakes in this world so try not to beat yourself up about it. You are a very lucky man already........in the end you have already won. Your wife forgave you and supports you with this and your relationship is stronger for your honesty no matter what the cost in the end you have already been blessed. Try to find the positives in this. What if it had not been the police.........you may have went though with the act and may have ruined your marriage beyond repair. In the end while you would have no legal problems your life would be far worse off had this not been the police. At the end of the day, you are not looking at any serious harm from the courts, your wife has forgiven you and you have found that your true blessing is your marriage. While you may feel some anxiety from what is coming instead try to look at all the good that has come from this.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
my lawyer suggested i write down 15 things why i shouldn't get the max penalty and he will present that to the court. some of the things i wrote was how i don't have a criminal background, my willingness to do community service and enroll in educational programs as long as i can keep working fulltime. my job is important to me and my wife for income and health benefits. i hope they will take all of this into consideration.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The last thing a judge will want is to harm your family or cause a loss of income in todays economy so I find this very unlikely, though I am not a lawyer so I can not say one way or the other. After looking at similar cases it appears you will likely get a fine. The judge will take into consideration your family and needs as well.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

hey walter

 

thanks so much for your words. i've only told my wife and a close friend about this. i can't tell my parents or sisters/brothers yet. not until all this is over at least or if it turns for the worse. i really needed someone like you to offer me encouragement and hope through this difficult situation. thanks once again!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

No Problem, I understand your need for this to stay quiet. The fact is the last thing you need to deal with is family making you feel bad or confused about what happened. If you need anything feel free to post and let me know.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Yea i don't think my in laws would be as forgiving as my wife...............

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
No........probley not Laughing
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i'm having another one of those "what if" mornings.......big sigh!!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

OK so lets look at it........What if?

 

What if could be a range of different things, the fact is based on your history and the actions the chances of jail time are extremely small. If in a worst case scenario you are given jail time your lawyer will ask that you serve home confinement (Other then work) or you do weekend time. Which basically means you report on the weekend. If that would be denied (Which is completely unlikely) the judge can request that you are given time to serve your sentence. The judge can put a sentence off for up to a year.......thus giving you time to gather vacation time. That is your worst case senario..........the fact of the matter is it is very unlikely that you will get any jail time to begin with. In the off chance this judge attempts to make a example (Which again is very unlikely) Your lawyer has a host of other options he can pursue, including what was listed above.

 

The most likely outcome is your lawyer will work out a plea deal where you pay a fine and get some treatment. Take a couple of deep breaths and try to think of the positives from all this........finding your marriage back on track is a big positive.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter you have been very good with my situation. I just wish there is someone like you I can talk to constantly!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Your very welcome, Do you have a good support system (Friends, family etc) that you can talk to? If not then maybe its time to start going out with your wife and getting a set of friends you feel you can talk to.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i've never really had a good set of friends that i am close with. im sure if i had more people to talk to it would be better. right now it's only between me and my wife pretty much. my family isn't the open type either.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its hard when you have no one to really talk to, and between married life and work its hard to find the time to meet with other people.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yea i wish i had a vast support system or at least be a celebrity. they always seem to get off lightly. lol
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The celebrity life looks pretty good down here in the cheap seats.........but then again what celebrity has really found love and been able to keep it? So in that aspect I think we are doing far better in the long run. (Even though I d envy some of those cars and houses Laughing)

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
mornings are often difficult for me. i usually wakeup an hour before my alarm and it's the first thing i think of. it's so difficult right now. i just wish i didn't have to wait till my court date to find out what happens. i really want to prepare for this if i get the worse. just feel so hopeless right now and thinking about what's at stake here.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I know it would be easier to know now, unfortunately there isn't a whole lot that can be done other then to wait. Like everything else in life the wait is always worse then the outcome.........and telling yourself that will help to calm your nerves.

 

When you get up early, go take a hot shower and think of something positive. Water is a big stress reliever for many people....taking hot showers or baths often help to relieve stress and worry from all of us.

 

At the end of the day, preparing yourself for the worst can help.......but you are going to cause additional stress. Accept that what will happen will happen and there is nothing you can do to change what you did. Its over and its done. I think you have some deep seated guilt about this as well as your own fears which are causing all this stress you have right now. Guilt is good at masking itself into other fears and causing you to question everything. If you are not in counseling yet for what happened I would suggest you go ahead and get that started now. (Not to mention this will look good to the judge that you acknowledge you made a mistake and now want to work on changing the things that caused you to make the mistake on the first place). The counseling will help both you and your wife to communicate better and help keep you both on track with the healing of your marriage.

 

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yea counseling may help. she has been feeling hot and cold with me lately, thinking about the past and how everything has been a lie. i'm trying my best to keep everything together. just so difficult. i am moving in two weeks. somewhere close to public transportation for my wife so she can go to work easier. just showing her the sacrifices im making for her. hopefully it helps.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The hot and cold is natural, and I will tell you its going to get worse before it gets anywhere near being better. This is why I recommend the marriage counseling. Right now she is still in shock, her world was turning and she was happy when you told her the world stopped and everything went to hell. Now she is trying to pick up the pieces. She needs your help in order to get back to what you once shared. Its going to take a while for her to trust you so you have to work hard to show her that you are doing what you should be doing.

 

The counseling will help you both find and analyze what went wrong and make sure it doesn't go wrong again. Just because things are not so bad now, does not mean that its going to be OK. Now is the time your concentration needs to be making sure she is OK. Helping her and working with her, the counseling will help you do this.

 

The move will help.......getting out of the house and doing something she enjoys will be helpful.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i even sold the car i was driving that night. im trying desperately to keep it together. i know i feel so much better knowing she knows. i would've exploded if i kept this from her the whole time. thanks walter for your support i am very grateful.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Your very welcome, I am glad you told her. The fact is honesty is the best policy when it comes to our spouses.........we often do not trust them to forgive us and the fact is most of the time they will if we have learned from our mistake and willing to work on it.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i hope the prosecutor/judge takes into account my clean record and my willingness to perform community service, classes and john school. i guess as a sign of help and willingness to move on from this life.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am sure they both will, the fact is they can often tell the difference between someone who made a mistake and a habitual offender.......typicaly those who are always in trouble would not even offer to do as much as you are offering, they would simply take a fine (Which is the common sentence) and walk away. The fact that you have no record and are offering to do service and school as well they are going to be more apt to be lenient with you.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Haha would be great if they see it that way and say ok since you are genuinely remorseful I will just give you a fine. I'm going to pray for that! Sorry for going back and forth on the same things Walter. You've been a great friend!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No need to apologize thats what I am here for.......if you want to chew it over for a week thats fine Laughing I'm pretty confident that the judge will see this for what it is and issue a fine and maybe school. Don't beat yourself up so much, we all make mistakes including that judge and prosecutor and they know that even good people sometimes act without really thinking about the consequences. The fact that you have no record and are truly remorseful of your actions are sure to show them that you are a simple man who made a simple mistake.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well I got exactly 2 weeks to chew it over. I'll try and focus on the positives and hopefully my lawyer will have good news for me. I just find it insane that no plea bargain can be reached before my court date. I know I didn't murder anybody, but I don't want this treated like a speeding ticket. Somebody told me the prosecutor might call my lawyer the night before. I just hate the fact that my lawyer will not contact the prosecutor first. I guess I should trust him since he was one before and should know the courts better than me. I'm sure the prosecutor wants a speedy resolution as well.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

In small cases such as this often no plea is offered until the hearing.......believe it or not this is not a huge crime. While its bad, its not murder or robbery. In fact most prosecutors treat it as if it is no more then a ticket because at the end of the day the jails are to crowded to full around with sticking small crimes into the system. More often then not the prosecutor will call the night before or speak with your lawyer before the hearing, offer a deal and be be working on the next plea before your lawyer has even given you the news. It simply is not a big enough crime for the prosecutor to take the time to hash something out before the hearing.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I see your point, but from my point of view it's harder to understand since I got so much at stake here. I wish it was just a ticket. I guess it is since there was no bail and I was released.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I guess it bodes well for me. For example why would you jail a guy who you didn't set bail and released the same night? Makes sense right? I guess I gotta keep thinking these thoughts.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I understand, and if I was in your shoes I would be a little worried as well. I worked in the legal department for a few years and have seen quite a few cases such as yours and it is very uncommon for a person to serve jail time over this unless he/she is a habitual offender and even then the sentence is often dismissed for home confinement.

 

Basically since no bail was issued it is considered a ticket, thus less of a concern for the prosecutor. Most often bail or a bond is required in more serious cases, in this case the charge is not considered serious enough to even order a bond set.

 

I was surprised your lawyer had you plead not guilty since you confessed and the evidence, it would have been quicker had you pleaded No contest and got it over with. In the end the waiting is often the worst of it.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well I guess if I pleaded guilty I would have no more plea rights. Since we pleaded not guilty he also gets to see all the police reports. I really don't know. I guess he will work a plea for a lesser sentence.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am sure he will get you a good offer, the last thing your lawyer wants is a unhappy customer in the end you are still a customer and as such he has responsibility's to get you the best offer he can.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you think I hurt myself by pleading not guilty initially or the prosecutor/judge will acknowldege it's just pretty much the way it works when you hire a lawyer? I figure if I didn't have a lawyer and pleaded guilty I'd get slammed pretty hard, plus I didn't really know what kind of defense I can possibly have anyway. I just needed to consult with someone immediately who knew the law.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Oh no you did not hurt yourself in any way, this is standard when a lawyer is involved (Otherwise the lawyer makes no money Laughing) The whole process is the lawyer has you plead not guilt so it goes to trial where he will then work out a plea deal and get paid.

 

Its always better to hire a lawyer when you can, wither you got slammed or not is debatable......more likely you would walk away with the same deal but likely more fines. Either way still costing you.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I wish I lived in California. You don't even have to show up at court, the lawyer can go for you! SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Now I'm thinking I offered too much! If you want to do all those things you got it! SIGH!!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No its better to offer everything.....it makes you look like you made a mistake but are willing to learn from it. Its far better to offer all help then none at all.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I hope if they do give me community service or school that it's at night or the weekends. I can't afford to lose my job or health benefits. My wife has no health benefits where she works.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

They will have no problem setting this up for nights or weekends, the courts understand that people have jobs and family's they must support so most programs are evening classes or weekend and most community service projects are done on weekends.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter. I'm sure I will speak to you again as I go through the highs and lows in the days to come!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

No problem, I am online most everyday so feel free to reach out when you need to.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
wow you are up early. any encouraging words to start my day? thanks!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Sorry, I was off to take the kids to school..........

 

Look for your blessing........now I know that may sound odd but all to often in todays hectic world we forget to find the blessing in everything. No matter how big the disaster there is always a personal blessing to be found if you are willing to take a step back and look. By finding your blessing you can hold that in your mind when fear or stress strikes.

 

You can find your own blessing but here are a few I can see very plainly:

 

 

  • When you made this choice your marriage was not strong and you were not where you wanted to be in life. While the impending court hearing is a disaster, your blessing is that by being honest with your wife you are able to see what you have and be a better husband and man. Your blessing is having found your marriage again.
  • While you did get caught.the fact is this is truly your biggest blessing in the whole situation. What if you had went though with this and cheated? Your blessing is that you were unable to go though with it. The consequences were very big. 1) Losing your wife. 2) Getting robbed or Rolled (Which is VERY common on craigslist). 3) Catching a horrible STD like Aids. 5) The prostitute was a criminal who's boyfriend busted in the door and killed you for your wallet. All very good blessings if you take a step back and look at it. The fact is what if one of those five things had happened? Your blessing is that instead of being hurt by this you were essentially saved from at the very least a life time of guilt over cheating on your wife.

While the fact is that this is all very scary with the court hearing and all the reality is it could have been a lot worse.the guilt of cheating on someone you love is HUGE. Its not something that you eventually forget and most men carry this around for the rest of their lives.

 

So words of encouragement would be to find your blessing then when fear or stress strikes close to home allow yourself to grasp that blessing and be happy for what you have instead of what could have been.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You are right! Thanks Walter! Everyday I feel like I'm starting over again with the guilt and fear. I just want it to end, hopefully in a good way!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It will.......just give it time. Right now you are still stressed about court and therefor the guilt has a good firm hold on you right now. Once the hearing is over it will be easier to deal with the guilt over what you almost done and learn that while you made a mistake the reality is you learned from it and therefor you can feel confident you will not do it again.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You're so right waiting is killing me. Like I want to prepare, but at the same time I don't want to make plans at all not knowing what's going to happen. I'm moving obviously for my wife so it's easy for her to commute in case I can't be there for her. Also if I lose my license I can look for a job in the city. That was part of my logic with the move.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The chances are very unlikely that you will lose your license, or serve any jail time at all......of course there is a chance but there is also the chance a meteor will hit earth this afternoon and it will be a moot subject Laughing

 

If your moving just because of this I would recommend holding off until after the court hearing if you really did not want to move. The fact remains that it is unlikely that you are going to serve any time. If your moving for other reasons, then thats fine but making a big move over the hearing isn't needed. In the end it is your choice.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
In the past I did not care for my wife like this. Right now her commute is an hour. If we move it will be no more than 15 minutes. I should've done this for her a long time ago.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
By the way I am going to municipal court.......this of course is much better than county or state court right? Municipal court = less chance of severe penalty?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

That is wonderful........Municpal court is for very small crimes more like vandalism and disorderly conduct. Since this is going to Municipal the chances of seeing anything more then a fine and probation drops significantly!

 

I am glad you are doing this for your wife, a hour long commute must be hectic for her. I am pleased to hear you say that you recognized this is something you should have done in the past......it shows growth and empathy for her struggles which is a big part of marriage. Often when we put ourselves in our spouses situation (By thinking about how we would feel) we are more apt to do the right thing.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea my summons is to go to the town I was arrested in. I guess I can use that as a positive! I just hope my lawyer can pull through for me a great deal!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am sure he can, this is what the court system is really all about, the cops slap a charge you hire a lawyer, lawyer works out a fine then everyone gets paid. Lessor crimes typically tend to be more about how much a person can pay the courts as long as nobody got hurt and there was no damages. We have to keep in mind that these fines help the city's budget, if you go to jail the city pays for that jail term. More often then not it is in the city's best interest in smaller crimes to make you pay a fine and save the hassle of sending you to a over crowed jail.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea right now I'd pay anything even if it ends up with a criminal record. I guess in 5 years or less I'll get it expunged.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Hopefully your lawyer can plea it out or get it knocked down to a lessor charge (One that looks a little better on your record) otherwise you should have no problem getting it removed.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea he mentioned to me his first priority is no jail and his second would be to try and knock it down. I hope he will be successful. Being a former prosecutor should be helpful and he did win municipal court attorney of the year before!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Not bad......sounds like you got a good lawyer. The fact that he was a former prosecutor is very very good. He already knows the best route to get what he wants and likely knows what the normal sentencing is for this. Your sitting pretty good right now.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So it's pretty much guaranteed that with my not guilty plea, that some sort of plea agreement or a reducing of the charge will likely happen to get this case closed? I really don't want to go to trial because I'm pretty sure I will lose. Remember the celebrity thing I mentioned? I read Mariah Carey's sister only got like $200 fine for prostitution. What a life!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

There are no guarantees in life........that is a fact. But looking at similar cases in your area does show that the typically sentence is a 500.00 fine and probation along with John School in most cases......and that is at trial. The fact is it looks good that you will plea out and the charges will be reduced and you will likely get a fine and probation. Like I said I am not a lawyer, so this is not in any way such form a legal answer, its based solely on case studies in your area with the same charge.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That's the thing there is no John School in NJ, but there is one in NYC. However I will make it clear that I am willing to go to that one. Hopefully that will help.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I think by offering to go to NYC for the school it makes it look better on you in the long run. Your lawyer may be able to work out a simple fine and probation with no school or possibly community service as well.

 

In the end its all about working the angles, your lawyer seems pretty competent and being a former prosecutor I am sure he will get you a great deal.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Would there be any incentive for the prosecutor not to offer a plea bargain since I pretty much confessed to everything? Or will he realize I have a clean record and the odds of me doing this again is very slim and not penalize me harshly.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Since you confessed then no there isn't a real incentive, but the reality is the prosecutor knows that your lawyer may be able to pull out a good defense or at the least make it look like entrapment. Thus it will be less work for the prosecutor to go ahead and offer something since you have a clean record and the judge is likely going to go easy regardless.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea that's what im afraid of too, that my cooperation might have damned me. The police told me if I cooperated I could go home that night, so what choice did I have. Will this rollercoaster ride ever end!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The fact that you cooperated is far better then had you not.......the fact is while there is no incentive there is also the fact that even with a confession your lawyer is going to have a good defense regardless, thus more work for the prosecution. There job is no different then anyone else, they want to get in and get it done in the easiest way possible. A plea deal will likely be offered for that reason alone.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I see your point Walter. Guess I'll just have to pray everyday that I can come out of this ok. Thanks!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Your welcome........just find your blessing and think about that when stress hits. (Give it a try, the worst that can happen is it does not help).

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hehe im just going to re-read your answers again to give me some comfort. Yours seem the most positive of all that I looked online lol.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Common Municipal Court Criminal Offenses

 

Disorderly and Petty Disorderly Person Offenses: Disorderly Person Offenses carry a 6 month possible jail sentence, up to $1000 fine, possible community service and possible probation period (there are some exceptions). Petty Disorderly Offenses carry a possible jail sentence of 30 days, up to $500 fine, possible community service and possible probation. Both offenses require a $75 S.N.A. penalty and a $50 V.C.C.B. penalty and Court costs. Normally first convictions only result in a fine.

 

At least the last sentence gives me some comfort.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
And that is the truth of it.......most first time offenders are given a slap on the wrist. Its the repeat offenders who get slammed.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
another what if morning. i was thinking about some things that aren't on the police report......my what if's. should i concern myself with this.........or will only the facts be considered in any plea bargain. i guess my what ifs might come up during trial but i really have no intention in going to trial with this. i think the prosecution has more than enough facts gathered, but i guess they can get really picky if we go to trial.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
you said you worked in the legal department before. what are the odds that the prosecution brings up other things that are not on the police report? thanks so much! it's almost everyday i have a panic attack about something new.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I have worked in the legal department, but JA prohibits me from giving any legal information on the site due to new rules about who can and can not give legal information.

 

Those questions would need to be answered by your lawyer or a Expert in Just Answers Legal Department. As for should you concern yourself about the what ifs........I would say No. The prosecutor has enough information on the police report. The chances of this going to trial are slim to begin with and even if it does the police report will likely be enough.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure I'll seek your services again today lol
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

No problem......I will be on and off all day so if you post and it shows I am offline I will get back with you as soon as I log on.

 

Have a good day.......

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm just afraid what i said in the past might come to haunt me because now that I think about it I might have emailed the undercover police before. But this incident is the only time i was arrested and charged, so I'm assuming those past emails shouldn't matter. I never offered any specific cash or set up a time and place to meet before this incident. The police report has one charge of solicitation and never mentions anything else besides this incident.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I did ask a JA legal expert and they said they should only be concerned with this charge. I guess if I were to go to trial all bets are off.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The past incidents will not likely be brought into the matter. The fact is those can be argued that it was just conversation, as long as there was no set up and you did not follow though you did not commit a crime. Thus the prosecutor has nothing to gain by bringing it up.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea the definition of a first offender is someone who has never been convicted before. So I guess I still qualify for that. I guess since the evidence is strong for this one case they will focus on that instead of other things. I sure hope so.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Afternoon down time = a lot of thinking for me =(
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Well, now is a good time to think about your blessings. Find it and think only about that. By forcing yourself to think about the good things your mind can not go to the bad. Every time it pops up, simply stop it and go back to the good things.

Walter
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You're right a JA legal expert told me the charges are already filed, so they probably won't add anything to it. I guess I'll just focus on the charge and ignore the what if's. I guess if that's the case I'm in good shape like we discussed yesterday. Hey Walter im sorry for going back and forth like this with you. You're words offer me great comfort and I truly appreciate that!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Hey, no need to apoligize.......really, if you were bothering me I would tell ya Laughing I don't mind being a sounding board, besides thats my job here at Just Answer.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I was just reading my lawyers resume again. He was prosecutor for almost 10 yrs and he's a public defender since 91 to present. At least he got experience!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Oh I remember going to court for speeding tickets. It really sucks.......the lawyers go first and everybody gets to see what a big loser you are in front of everybody. I guess it's my turn =(
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hopefully my plea would be already and the judge approves and i will be on my way. i don't want him to ask me anything besides my plea i guess. im not a very good public speaker.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
oh double sigh. just reading some articles and some people did get harsh penalties for what i did. it's depressing to read that. i'm sure if i go to jail for more than say a week or two my marriage is over especially with my in laws finding out etc.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

More then likely those people who did get harsh penalties were either repeat offenders, or had more convictions in the past. The fact is they may have had no lawyer as well. The reality is it does happen, but it isn't very common either.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I'll try to keep that in mind. Me = no convictions, cooperated, willing to do service............hopefully = slap on wrist =(
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hopefully they can treat it like a speeding ticket. Reduce the charge but up the fine. I'll take that in a heart beat!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

In the end it is more beneficial for them to fine you, then to pay for you to go to jail. While no one can offer any guarantees or even say for sure, the reality is based on your record and the situation it is unlikely for you to see more then a fine and probation.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Very welcome!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hey walter is it safe to assume that some cases are online because they are harsher penalties or notable people like teachers, cops or politicians? so maybe there are bunch of cases like mine about average joes get arrested and pay fines and the story never ends up on the internet?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Yes its safe to assume that, the fact is few people other then the famous are worth writing about. In fact many states do not even require the defendant to even go to court on these charges. Often they are issued a Thousand dollar fine and the courts send a notice requiring them to go to one day of John School. Of course some states do not handle the cases such as this simply because they are looking for court costs and high fines, but in the end most cases end up the same with a fine and Probation or School.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yea i know. i wish i was in one of those states. unfortunately NJ requires you to go and there is no John school in NJ. i did offer to go to the John school in NYC. we'll see how it pans out.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I figure they will not send you to the one in NYC. They are more apt to do the fine and probation only.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
If that's the case I will be happy. I just want to move on with my life.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I can understand that, this can be very traumatic waiting and wondering and worrying whats going to happen. The fact is no one can guarantee for sure what will happen, but based on similar cases we can hope that your case comes out the same.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I hope a plea offer comes this week. This way I can have a good weekend.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I hope so as well, but try not to hope to much so you are not upset if it isn't offered before the hearing.

 

Try to have a good week, if you need anything just drop me a note.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
oh man sometimes i wish i just plead guilty at my arraignment and got this over with. but then i will definately have a criminal record. hopefully my lawyer can reduce the charges to something that looks better. exactly one more week to go!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its better that you waited, no sense taking a bigger charge on your record if you have a shot at knocking it down. You made it week one, week two will go faster I hope. Just try and keep busy as a busy mind has little time to worry.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yea i guess that's the whole point of a lawyer to try and knock it down or at least everyone gets paid like you said. i will be busy this week with the move and all. pray for me walter!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if you need anything you know where to find me. Try to have a good week!

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
oh man can life get any worse for me. i just found out my wife didn't get into the nursing program she wanted to. i'd hate to break the news to her tonight. i'm also thinking about my career. with a criminal background i won't be able to get a decent job anymore. god life sucks. im beginning to think the odds of my charge being changed to something minor is unlikely to happen =(
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thats just your fear speaking, no one knows for sure but I think the chances are good when your lawyer explains it to the prosecutor. I am sorry to hear she did not get in, its not going to be easy tonight but you have to tell her. The flip side is there are other programs so the sooner she applies the better her chances are of getting in. Or waiting until the class opens up again.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
walter i just got a call from my lawyer. he says no jail no loss of license. unfortunately i will pay a big fine and the conviction will stick. i will have to wait 5 yrs to expunge it and he will recommend no probation and i stay out of the town i got arrested in. he said basically they got too much info to reduce the charge but since i cooperated and i have no priors should be no jail no loss of license, only big fine! o well i guess it's kind of a sigh of relief. damn nj and no diversion program! i guess i can't complain. just a really expensive lesson i guess!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Glad to hear you got your call, fines can be nasty, but if you have a problem paying it you can ask the judge for a payment plan as well. Most are willing to work it out you just have to ask.

 

I know its hard, but the fact is it could have been much worse, a fine is far better then jail time.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

well it's not a plea bargain, more of what my lawyer thinks based on his experience and i will trust him on it. i really don't care about the $, i just cared about jail, my job and my license. looks like i can keep all of that. so i will be happy. i was thinking about going to school before all this. maybe that will help me pass the 5 yr waiting time for expungement. i was thinking the medical field hopefully they will accept me or have my record cleaned before i go for any licensing. i'm also glad where i work they wont do a background check again! lol

 

thanks walter!!!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Your very welcome, and I agree with your lawyer. Medical school would be great....and I am sure they will let you in knowing you will get it expunged before licensing. I think it would be a great way to take something rewarding away from this horrible experience and someday you will be able to look back and see this for what it is.......a chance to change your life into what you want it to be, both with your wife and your career.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Anxiety again. I hope it plays out like my lawyer said.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you think the judge will ask me questions? I really don't want him to in case I say something wrong and he might add something to my sentence. I rather him just accept my guilty plea and just give me my sentence so I can leave asap!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

When you go in, the judge will hear the offer and may ask you if you have anything you would like to say in your defense. All you have to say is No your honor. More then likely he will not even ask this since your lawyer is representing you. He may ask your lawyer if you have anything to say, at which time your lawyer will say no.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I figure once I plea guilty he will sentence me and lecture me and that will be the end of it I hope!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

You are correct, since you have representation he will direct all questions at your lawyer. Though some judges will ask you outright if you have any comments, in that case a simple No your honor works great. It shows respect, as well as gets you off the hook.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey Walter. With a conviction on my record would the court inform my current employer about this or they really have no incentive to do it?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No the courts can not and will not inform anyone. It will simply go on your record which is only accessible to your employer should they request a new copy of your record, which is very unlikely.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Great!! It's so strange, yesterday I felt such a sense of relief because my lawyer basically layed out what's going to happen, but for some reason I feel so afraid today. Maybe because judgement day is nearing and im just anxious.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thats natural, in fact over the next few days you may feel some anxiety over the hearing but just keep reminding yourself that your lawyer knows what he is doing and in the end things will work out.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I know. If everything works out the way he says I will be happy. I'm just so afraid of things going to hell. I'll try and stay positive and have faith in my lawyer. So it's safe to assume i won't say much at the hearing as long as my lawyer and prosecutor come to an agreement?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

If they come to the agreement then there is nothing for you to say, the prosecutor will offer up the agreement the judge will ask your lawyer if you are accepting the plea and its over. Otherwise the prosecutor will list out the faces, your lawyer will offer up your defense and the judge will ask you (Or your lawyer) if you have anything to say on your behalf then he will find you either guilty or not guilty and issue his sentence. All in all it should take less then 10-15 minutes. (More apt 2-3 minutes if a plea has been reached or the prosecutor offers a deal in the court room).

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok I guess that's bearable. I'm pretty sure an agreement can be reached then. I see no reason why they would want to drag this case further. Thanks Walter!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Your very welcome, and I agree there is no reason for this to be taken any further then it is already. It should not take long for a agreement to be reached and the case settled.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
haha seems like if i plead guilty at the arraignment i wouldve gotten the same result. since my lawyer said we are pretty much pleading guilty and accepting the fine.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Very much true, of course there was a risk that the judge decide to make a example of you and issue jail time as well. In the end it is always better to go in with the lawyer if you can afford one or can get a public defender.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey dont scare me Walter! I'm already terrified enough! lol jk
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No, not trying to scare you.....I am saying had you not gone with a lawyer there was more risk. Even by yourself with no lawyer the chance of getting jail time was extremely slim.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter. May I ask where you are from? I would like to meet you one day and thank you personally! lol
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I'm from West Virgina, but we are not allowed any contact with people from the site (Site rules) But I can tell you I appreciate it and I wish you the best with this and all that comes in your future.

 

If you ever need anything you know where you can find me, and of course I hope to hear from you after your hearing to let me know how things went. If you need anything between now and then don't hesitate to let me know.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I will definately let you know what happens and im pretty sure we might chat again before the hearing. Thanks for your thoughts and prays!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
No problem, after all this time I feel like we are friends. I'll talk to you later, and try to relax this week Laughing
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Morning Walter! When my lawyer and prosecutor come to an agreement, my lawyer should go over the details right? Then I would have to agree and sign some documents or will everything be verbal?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Yes your lawyer will call you and go over the details then you will get together to sign the paperwork and go over it again.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hmmm so I should go to court early then in case I am needed to sign the agreement.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Would be great if they could just fax me the paperwork so I don't have to appear in court =( It would relieve so much stress from my life if the agreement is reached already right now. O well 5 more days! I hope I get a nice judge.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its still very early, it is likely the prosecutor will speak with your lawyer either the night before or that day at court. The chance anything will get arranged before the night before is very very slim. These things normally are done the night before, or the day of. With the majority done the day of.

 

I would suggest getting there a hour early, keep in mind that it may be up to a hour after your hearing time before you get in regardless (These almost always run late).

 

I will be offline most of today due to my sons birthday, but if you need anything let me know and I will try to get back with you as soon as I can.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter. One last question, it's pretty rare for the judge to disagree with any plea agreement right?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Now I'm scared again since you said it's still early. I just have to trust my lawyer even though he hasn't spoken to the prosecuter. I sure hope he is right!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No the judge will accept the plea, agreement. To not accept it would be out of the very ordinary. No need to be afraid, it is early for any kind of agreement but the fact is your lawyer is correct on what will likely be offered.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter! You are the man!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Very welcome!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
If I get probation it probably would be unsupervised right? meaning just don't get arrested again or else..........
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Typically probation for these types of offenses are if you get arrested again for a similar crime the original sentence will be in effect.

 

In most cases, the judge will issue a sentence along the following lines:

 

Your fine and 1 year jail sentences suspended provided terms of probation are followed. (Basically you are issued a jail sentence, but it is suspended as long as you are not arrested again for a similar crime). Should you be arrested again, then the original sentence (The jail time) can be ordered at that time. Its a common sentence and used to keep offenders from repeating the same crimes.

 

There is no one to report to, you are just required to not be arrested again on the same crime.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Oh I know I will definately not do this again! Maybe I wil take a 5 yr vacation in Thailand with my wife lol.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Now that would be a nice vacation........in the end there is nothing to be concerned with the probation as long as you do not do it again. You have learned from this little mistake and in the end I don't think you will ever take this chance again. And I am sure the judge will see that as well.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I'm fine with that kind of probation. I just don't want the only drive to work kind of probation because I do want to take a vacation and visit family out of state.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No the judge has no incentive to take away your license or even put you in jail. By doing so he would prohibit you from paying your fines and in the end thats what he is there for.....to ensure that large fines are issued and paid to keep the city's budget full. The reality is the courts are often more interested in the fines then the jail time or other forms of punishment for small crimes like this.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I see your point. It really is all about the $
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I've lost about 5 lbs since all of this. My wife said at least something good came out of it lol
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I see a lot of good that has come out of all this, as you will with time.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I sure do appreciate what I have a lot more!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I figured you did Laughing I am gonna log off for today, if you need anything I will be back online tonight.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Feeling anxious today
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Good Morning!

 

Whats got you feeling anxious today? Your count down is almost over, and you already know whats coming. Have you tried thinking about other things......the quickest way to avoid anxiety over this is to redirect your thoughts on the matter. You are allowing yourself to dwell on this to much.

 

Here is what I want you to try:

 

Every time your mind wonders to something stressful I want you to find 10 blessings in your life. Grab a paper and pen, and write them down. Every time your mind wonders again try to find new blessings in your life. These can be from childhood or at anytime in your life. Allow yourself to remember the time as well......sit back and think about it and remember how it happened. When and if you run out of blessings, try other lists.

 

Here are a few examples:

 

  • Where I want to be in the next______ (Year, 10 Years and 20 Years)
  • My best moments in life

 

The key is to use these lists to redirect your mind away from the stressful points. You can use positive reinforcements like above or even fantasy's such as:

 

  • If I ever hit the lottery I would do the following things with my winnings.
  • If I could built a time machine and go back to the past what things in history would I change (This could be your history or the worlds history
  • If I could only change one thing in the world what would it be and why

 

While this may seem silly to you, the reality is redirection of your thoughts is the easiest way to end stress and anxiety. If you can not write it down due to work etc, then think about it in your head. Give it a try......the fact is if it helps then you have found something you can do to help settle your mind when things get tough.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I'll try to think about my wife and our new place. Only a 5 minute train ride to NYC!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The place needs a lot of work though. Very dirty and old yuck!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Well the upside is that this is investment into your home with your wife. This is a great opportunity for you both to spend some quality time working together. Though try and make it fun, so it makes a nice memory at the least.

 

You can't beat a 5 minute ride to the city thats for sure!

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea Im taking Monday off to help the wife with the place and spend some time together. The day before D-day!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thats a good idea, by spending the time together it will help keep your mind off of the hearing. Just be careful to not allow yourself to become so worried about it that you are tense and short tempered all day. Keep your spirits up for her and it will help you as well.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So basically if my lawyer and prosecutor comes to an agreement. I sign the paperwork. Prosecutor tells the judge that an agreement has been made and my lawyer basically confirms it and that's basically it? the end?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
and it's pretty certain an agreement will be made since my plea will be guilty, just the terms of the punishment needs to be worked on?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Yes, very simple. No fuss no muss.......the reality is the prosecutor is going to be in a hurry to get this case over and done with so he can move on to the next. Your lawyer will get you the least amount of punishment possible.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Haha I hope there are a ton of cases so he can rush everybody through! lol

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Oh great I was thinking if I wanted to travel internationally I will probably be asked if I have a criminal record. This is going to really suck if I want to go to Thailand or any country for that matter. You think I will have any problems with a misdemeanor on my record?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am not a lawyer, and I am not sure of international law at all so you may be better asking either your lawyer or one of our lawyers here on Just Answer. I do believe that it is only felony convictions that keep you out, but some countries do have a issue with misdemeanors as well, so its better for you to consult with a lawyer who knows the laws of the country you wish to visit.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Damn!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you one way or the other. But I simply do not know enough to tell you. Before you get to upset most often it is felonies that pose a big problem in most countries.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
It seems it's ok with misdemeanors. I'll be sure to doublecheck before I go to any country. For some reason I feel really crappy today. I guess this whole ordeal is so physically draining I'm thinking about taking a vacation asap!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Glad to hear that! I knew some felony's were a problem but was concerned. Its likely just going to be one of those days today. I wish I could tell you a magic fix, but the reality is sometimes you are simply going to have a bad day. You can try redirection of your thoughts and try to find things to occupy your mind but sometimes its just one of those days where you have to grit your teeth and try to endure.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I know Walter. Thanks for being so understanding. I know you've been telling me to redirect so many times and appreciate it, but it's just so hard sometimes. I guess I've always been a negative person and assume the worse. I'll try to stay positive.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Redirecting can be very hard, thats why most people do not try it or try and quit. But its not for everyone either I suppose. Some people do better thinking about it, and if that works great. Unfortunately it does not work all the time either so we have some who simply have to grit down and try to work though it.

 

The flip side is you only have a few more days to endure, and then its over. I can only imagine how hard it is for people who are in the courts for years trying to get a resolution!

 

Do you work this weekend? If not maybe you and your wife could try to get away for the weekend. Try a bed and breakfast or maybe a cabin for the weekend somewhere. Even camping can be nice if the weather permits. I know your in the process of moving to so I am not sure if that is feasable....but even doing something new like trying a new restaurant for dinner may help as well.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea we will probably spend most of our time with the new place this weekend. Hopefully we can have some spare time to explore the nieghborhood and restaurants. Plus I'm taking Monday off so I just want to appreciate that day with my wife. I know I will bounce back eventually. No matter what happens I promise myself that!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Of course you will bounce back.....this is just a little rut in the road. It sounds like your going to be busy this weekend so that is good. Try to make time to get out at least for a few hours and check out the area and have a little fun.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea work sucks because I have this room pretty much to myself and I can't help think bad things. Plus I'm not very busy.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It can be hard, and I wish there was something I could tell you thats a quick fix. Unfortunately your pretty much stuck with either redirection or simply trying to ignore it. Not great options I understand.....sadly its just a hard reality of life.

 

On the flip side, the day can only last so long so soon you will feel better.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
True true! Thanks Walter!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Your very welcome!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey Walter you do this fulltime? or do you have a job doign something else? this sounds like an awesome job. maybe i can do it one day =D
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Yes I work full time for Just Answer, I work in the relationship category as well as in the Dogs section for training and behavior. I like it here, it gives me a chance to be home with the children.

 

We are always looking for good experts, you can apply anytime and go though the process if you have a area you feel you would be a good fit for.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sounds interesting, do they have part time positions or do they require certain amount of hours?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No, you are welcome to work any hours you like. You can work a few hours a month or as long as you like.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Wow sounds great
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Here is a copy from the experts requirement page if you would like to take a look:

 

If you're an Expert in your field and you want to share your knowledge with others, then look through the Question List. If you find yourself answering the questions with ease, put your skills to work and apply to become an Expert.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter maybe I can earn extra cash on the side. I know a lot about cars.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Well your very welcome! Hopefully there are openings and you can get in and earn some extra spending money.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Today is the big day! Any last words of encouragement for me? By the way I haven't heard from my lawyer. I guess any deal will be made today. Hopefully if he gets there early he will call me and let me know. I hope he can just do all the talking and I can just listen. I really really really want to remain silent. Pray for me!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Sorry, I had a emergency to deal with here. I am assuming you are in court about now so I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

Shoot me a message when you get in.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Im leaving in about 30 minutes. Thanks for your thoughts!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Walter!!! My lawyer is awesome!! He got the charge changed to disorderly conduct!! $500 fine + court costs = $6xx Total. No jail No probation!! I am so happy I got a second chance in life. It went exactly as you said prosecutor amended the charge, plead guilty to new charge and I was out the door!! Thanks so much for your support!! I don't know how I would've made it through these weeks without you!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am so glad to hear that! I was hoping they would at least lower the charge since you have been so cooperative. Sounds like you are good to go know, no need to be concerned about anything else.

 

I am pleased I could be so helpful to you though this time.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I can get it expunged in 5 years. At least it looks a lot better than prostitution. My lawyer says I can say I sent some joke emails and I paid a fine. He told the prosecutor that I told my wife and that's punishment enough lol and basically I was a good guy that made a bad choice. Such a relief right now. I appreciate everything so much more already!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thats a good excuse, simple and something most anyone could get into. Telling your wife is and was the hardest thing you had to do, and you were very blessed to have a wife as forgiving as yours is. Of course that does not mean you can lack the things you need to do to get your marriage back on track. Continue looking for a marriage counselor and make sure you accept that this may take her a while to completely forgive you over.

 

The good news is the worst is over, and there is no where to go but up from here. I wish you the best in the future, and if you ever need anything you are more then welcome to request me.

 

It was a real pleasure working with you.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yea I understand Walter! I really appreciate your help. Take Care!
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I will, you take care as well!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

walter how have you been?

 

i will be going to toronto for the weekend in a couple of weeks. i hope i won't run into problems at the border. i heard they are getting strict about people with criminal records. i checked with my immigration lawyer and he said it shouldn't even come up when they scan my passport. he said i have a conviction but not a criminal conviction. i hope he is right because i am taking a bus there and i'd hate to be stuck!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Doing pretty good here....can't complain Laughing

 

I agree with your lawyer, there isn't likely going to be any issues at all. This is a simple disorderly conduct conviction which is more like a ticket then anything else it would not be labeled as a criminal conviction.

 

I hope you have a great time on your trip!

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

thanks a lot walter. your words always seem to give me comfort. to be honest i was really worried about this, almost worried to the point like before my court date.

 

i was searching canadian government websites, lawyer websites and different forums and they all paint a "if you ever been arrested don't bother coming to canada picture."

 

i am pretty such things will work out!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

There is always the off chance you could get a nasty agent at the border, but if this even showed up on your record I would be surprised since it is not a criminal conviction. At this point I would not be to concerned.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
walter i know that's a possibility! please don't scare me! lol
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Not trying to scare you.......but I can't lie to you either Laughing But lets keep it real, anything in life is possiable.....heck the world could blow up tomorrow making all this moot! I have to list the possibility's (Required by the site) But I can tell you it is not common and nothing I would be concerned about.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Give me your phone #. If I get stuck at the border I am calling you to pick me up! Laughing
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Not quite that close......Laughing

 

Try to relax and enjoy the trip.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

A disorderly person offense is a charge for disorderly conduct, harassment, assault, public drunkenness, minor drug offenses, or another charge for personal action. If you have been charged with a disorderly person offense, you want to be sure that your rights are protected in court. Though disorderly person offenses are less than criminal, they may carry significant penalties. Our attorneys at Law Offices of Lawrence M. Simon are experienced in representing individuals who have been charged with a disorderly person offense.

 

I like the part where it says "less than criminal" What a relief!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

funny i emailed some canadian lawyers to get their perspective and they all seem to think i'm inadmissable. they probably don't want me in their country lol.

 

the government response was if you weren't convicted of a crime then you might need to show your court documents as proof. i did ask the court to mail my final disposition papers. should have them probably by tomorrow.

 

sigh!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Lawyers tend to go with the worst news first.......bascily they can not offer legal advice and can only inform you of what the law is. The law does say if you have a criminal conviction, which if this was not charged criminally then the answer is no problem.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Well the two lawyers that i spoke to here and also you walter agree that disorderly conduct is not a criminal conviction. I guess I will find for sure when I get my disposition. Shouldn't be a problem since every place I looked says disorderly conduct is not criminal in NJ.

 

Big Sigh!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Graded below these are DISORDERLY PERSONS OFFENSES and PETTY DISORDERLY PERSONS OFFENSES. Technically, these are not crimes, they are offenses; although they are commonly referred to as "misdemeanors."

 

I also like the wording in this. Another point for my side! Walter as you can tell from our past conversations i always think the worse. lol. i guess i always want to be 100% sure from now on. thanks so much walter you are a great friend!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
No problem, sounds like you are in the clear.......have fun on your trip!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

you know what's so strange. what i was originally charged for is not even considered a crime in Canada. so with that respect i dont see how they can't let me in their country if it's not even a crime there.

 

i did get my final disposition papers yesterday. it basically shows the original charge and the amended charge that i plead guilty to. no specific word "conviction" anywhere. my lawyer did say bring it just in case but i really shouldnt run into any problems.

 

big sigh again!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am not a lawyer, but based on my knowledge of the subject I would agree with your lawyer. It sounds like you were letting yourself get worked up again, take some deep breaths and try to remember that not everything is going to turn out badly.

 

Try to relax so you can enjoy your trip Laughing

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i know i know.

 

just all those stories got me scared. i mean denied access for a drug charge 20 yrs ago seems ridiculous to me.

 

lol i'll try and relax

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

There is a HUGE difference between drug charges and other charges. The fact is once associated with drugs tends to concern governments when it comes to border crossings. To many criminals shipping drugs in and out to take a chance.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

yea i guess you're right. it seems like all i been doing was harming myself =(

 

i hate myself so much because of this. i wish i can turn back time.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Hating yourself is NOT healthy! Turning back time would always be nice, but the reality is we learn more from our mistakes then we lose. You leaned how important your marriage was and this mistake has taught you how much you had to lose......while getting arrested and going though all this isn't great, the reality is it helped prevent you from making a mistake that would have cost you your marriage......and maybe ruined your life.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i know walter but no matter what happens i can't erase this from my life. sure you can erase it with expungement on paper per se, but it will always be with me the rest of my life. i know i am super lucky to have a forgiving wife, but i will never escape this. every time i turn on the news or travel out of the country or fill out an application it will always be with me. it will never end. i was so relieved after the outcome, but now i'm thinking about the long term affects and how sad and depressing this can be never to shake this from my mind no matter what.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i dont think so much the trip to canada is bothering me. i mean i don't plan on going to canada every week. heck i've only been out of the country two times in almost 26 yrs. it's just the long term affects of my actions that has gotten me all worried and depressed i guess. i don't want to carry a piece of paper wherever i travel for the rest of my life. it's just so sad.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I know it can be hard, but thats life. We make mistakes, and we deal with the outcomes from those mistakes. I am not going to pull any punches with you or lie to you......yes you made a mistake, and this is going to be something you have to deal with for a while. But you can't spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about what happened or living your life riddled with depression. You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.

 

Allowing this to keep you down is not healthy for you or your wife......its time to accept that you made a mistake and accept the consequences of that mistake. We all have our crosses to carry, be thankful yours is easier to carry then others. Instead of looking at this as if its a life long sentence, accept it for what it is and move on.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter. I guess I need time for this to sink in and get over it. It is stll relatively fresh right now. Hopefully in time things will get better.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

!!!!!!! Day before my trip and I am nervous. Tell me one more time everything will be ok?

 

Thanks Walter!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Everything is going to be ok!

 

I know its easy to let yourself become nervous but try to find something to keep you busy. Make sure on the drive up you keep calm and try not to become nervous.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

thanks walter. i've been up and down this week with the what ifs. i will try to repeat in my head what the experts say including you. that helps me a lot. im sure canada would welcome my tourist dollars lol.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

In todays economy they would be foolish not to! Just keep reminding yourself that its going to be ok, and don't allow yourself to scare yourself Laughing

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Everything is going to be fine! I'll let you know how the trip went and hopefully I won't have any stories to share with you about the border crossing. Smile
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Have fun, I will be out of town this weekend as well but will be back on Tuesday. Let me know how it went.....

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
walter im back! here's what happened. at the rainbow bridge we all got off the bus and went inside. inside is like a bank with 3 border guards. me and my wife about the 6th-7th person in line. when it was my turn i showed them my passport and my wife's green card at the same time and the guard looked at for like 3 secs and told me ok go ahead. didn't scan anything or look up anything. i guess being on a tour gives you the benefit of the doubt.

on the way home was a little different. we crossed at thousand island because that was the last stop of the tour. the guard came on board and said he will scan a few passports. looked at a few ahead of me and gave it back to them (older people/family type). he took mine though. i guess because i was younger looking and without kids. any way he took about 5-6 of them and went inside. about 5 mins later he gave it back to our tour guide and we were on our way. i was a bit nervous because i wasn't sure what would come up and whether i would be questioned. anyway i guess being on a tour bus helped. if i drove myself im sure he wouldn't have minded delaying me. anyway i feel relieved and i really don't see a need to go back to Canada for a long time as i've already been to montreal a couple years ago. the trip itself was overall pretty fun.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Yea it was beautiful. We took a lot of pictures and went on 3 boat tours. Overall a very good time.

 

I guess I should be relieved being that the US probably has the tightest immigration security, thus I should be good to go anywhere hopefully!

 

Smile

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