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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Walter, i had no idea how long this thread had gotten. it

Customer Question

Walter, i had no idea how long this thread had gotten. it broke my heart re reading it and seeing all the hope and growth. i will do my best this week to move on, but i have to find a way not to tear up during that talk. that would make things worse.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thanks for opening up a new thread, typically they can hold quite a bit but we have posted quite a bit over the last month. When I say move on...........I do not mean jump on a train and high tail it out. There is no way you can move on in a week, but you can begin the first leg of the trip by accepting the things you can not change and seeking the strength to move on in the future. This is going to take a little while, I just do not want to see you get bogged down with depression or sadness. Sometimes the quickest way to get back in gear is to get on with life. I am not saying to jump into a different relationship........but keep busy. Go out with friends, spend time with your son and keep your days as busy as you can. This will help you in more ways then one.

 

I know this is going to be hard, and tears are not bad. Just keep as much control as you can. Crying isn't going to ruin everything, everyone crys. Just try to keep calm enough to keep the conversation going in a positive direction.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

when i was there for our last talk , about half way through i lost it and couldnt stop. she asked me for a hug and i was too embarrassed how i was acting. i tear up everytime i read her email. i barely cried when my son was born!!

 

i know i need to accept it is 99% over, but maybe that closure from her will help me. and im sure she will be excited to me done with me haha.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I doubt she is excited to be done with you.......that is your pain speaking. She has made some seriously bad choices, and some big mistakes. But that does not mean she wants to hurt you either. If she had she could have been much nastier I assure you. It sounds like she does still love you, but that she feels the relationship is simply not going in the direction she wants it to be in. Unfortunately she has not yet learned that relationships always take a nose dive naturally if both partners are not willing to invest in it.

 

It is alright to cry, do not feel ashamed. Being embarrassed of your own feelings is not going to show her that you have grown. Crying is just as much for men as it is for children...........the assumption a man should never cry is crazy. We have feelings too, and its OK to have them.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

well i guess i just feel right now like i am banging my head on a wall. i was looking forward to next week so i could call her, now i am dreading next week because of probally what will happen. im sure she is on vacation having fun, so i need to do something to move on. its tough to watch my son, right now i just want to sit and cry. i keep re reading the letter she sent and the one i sent her. i have never been in a situation where i gave so much of myself, and got no results.

 

last week i said all i can do is hope. now i have a 1% chance of hope and thats seems like all i can focus on. its so hard to believe its over!

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Watching your son keeps you from being so upset............you can not be crying in front of him and must try and keep up a cheery attitude for him. If you can not do so then you may need to have him stay with mom for a few days. Moving on is not as simple as just getting with another women and hooking up. If that is what you are thinking, then get it out of your head. This will only make it worse. If you really want to then I can not stop you, but be prepared for the crash afterwords.

 

When I say move on, I mean continue with the counseling. Maybe join a group or get out with some friends. Keep a journal so you can express yourself there without expressing yourself at in appropriate times (Like breaking down at work, or with your son). Over time you will feel less and less the need to write in the journal. Taking on a new project also helps. I know it seems silly, but even a huge puzzle can help take your mind off things for a few days. Maybe go help out at your local Family Shelter or at a No kill dog and cat shelter. Animals can be very therapeutic and help you when you are down. Toss your self into work a little more or ask your boss if there are any training programs you can do. The key is to keep busy, the less time you have to sit around and think about it the less time you have to be upset. Use the journal only at night......this allows you to hold off on your sadness until a appropriate time. May seem a little odd, but when we give a set time to grieve for something our minds get used to holding it back and eventually start letting go.

 

It will not be easy, but you can do it if you are ready to do so.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

so should i start now or just keep praying to work on things thursday?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I would recommend starting now.........simply because the fact is your chances are not good. Also add to the fact that by moving on now you will be less emotional at the talk. You will have already accepted that things will not likely work out and will be less apt to break down on her.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

ok thank you this has been a very hard 24 hrs

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Your welcome, if you need anything let me know.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i am sure we will talk closer to thursday

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Sounds good, try to keep your head up this week!
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i apologize i forgot to accept.

 

this weekend was hard to say the least. i went to another counseling, but i could barely speak. i keep rereading the email she sent, and the one i sent back to her. i just pray something i said in there tugged at her heart a little. i know i dont have a great chance, i just dont get why.

 

not to lower myself, but there was something i thought about. her friend stayed with a guy that beat her. her other friend stays with a guy that lies about money constantly. her parents barely talk. alot of my friends cheated and reconciled. and yet, here we sit today, and i am all alone. another reason the be the mad guy. all i did was try too hard to stay with the girl i love, and i am the bad guy?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No need to apologize, I know you will take care of it when you can.

 

You are not the bad guy, you just got with a girl that wants more then others. The fact that her friends stay with these kinds of men may influence her to decide that she will never put up with these kinds of things and thus she is harder on her men because she expects more. Which isn't fair, you are not like those men she has seen in her life.

 

As for your email, I hope there was something that shook her to the core and made her realize what she is giving up. The fact is she is giving up on herself as much as she is you. When she refuses to try and work out problems she is only hurting herself in the long run because working on tough relationships is part of growing. Giving up every time some thing becomes difficult isn't growing..............its getting into the same rut.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

Ya i have read that email over and over, hoping to find something i know is going to hit her hard. i basically took full responsibility for everything that went wrong. I doubt she believes me about looking for a ring. actually i hope she just understands it. i know you said it is probally over and i swear at points this weekend, for 2 minutes once in a while, i was ok. i just cant believe that she turned that switch off.

 

i dont know what i am walking into thursday, i wonder if she will get a call from work or something and have to leave. then again, i still dont know if it is going to happen. she has been gone all weekend. i plan on saying something early about letting her wall down. i know one of the things she will say is , too little, too late. and my actions never backed up my words. do you know of anything really strong i can say to her? i was gonna use " if we are going to end this, make sure we are doing it for the right reasons" something like that

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I like the "If we are going to end this, make sure we are doing it for the right reasons" I also think you should stress to her that all relationships have problems but that is what being in a relationship is about, working on the problems and growing together.

 

Some key points you may want to address:

 

  • The fact that she is to willing to give up instead of working on it. (Stress how growing is also about learning. Learning that all relationships have problems but the strong learn to work on them and the rest simply give up.
  • Her job, you want to stress to her that even though marriage was not easy for her co workers does not mean that she must follow suit and give up when the going gets tough.
  • Time: You have invested a year in this......to give up without giving it a chance to see what might have been. Most relationships patter out within the first year from lack of trying. Basically its easier to give up then to work on it. Does she want to follow the easy course or work on what really matters.
  • Her spirit: She is a strong independent women, but that does not mean she has to expect her partner to be perfect. She must learn that everyone has differences but learning to accept those differences is what makes a relationship work.
  • Admit your faults..........don't hold back. But do not make this all about you either. Its easier for her to blame you, thus she does not have to see what the real problem is and that is her inability to follow though when things get hard. She may not like hearing this, and it may be something you would rather email her about later. But the reality is she needs to open her eyes to the fact that you have done everything you can to try and make this work..........yet she is to stubborn to take a step back and say "Hey, relationships are hard but I am willing to really try" The problem is she has never really tried in this relationship. When things get tough she is quick to be upset with you, when in reality she has blame in this as well.

 

 

The key is to let her know that she is giving up...........that she isn't willing to put the effort in. The fact is you can take the blame until the cows come home, and she seems comfortable allowing you to take the blame. The problem is she can not see past this to understand that the real reason for the breakup is her inability to work hard at this. The break up is not your fault, while your actions lead up to this point she is making the choice to end it and for reasons that make little sense. Everyone fights.........but the fight was not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is she feels that this is not going to get better ever, and the reality is it will not as long as she refuses to take part in the relationship and work every bit as hard as you are willing to work. Until she learns this she will never be happy. No man will ever stack up good enough for her because she is not willing to put aside her fantasy of the perfect world and see that the only way to make it perfect is to accept it the way it is and work hard to keep it the way you need it.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

those are all great points. the balance i have to walk is not to push her too hard. should i start with me talking or should i follow the conversation? i am worried if i let her lead i will get too emotional when she says she wants it over.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

this is tough, i am glad we are talking about this, but in the back of my mind i have to remember this probally wont work

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

What ever makes you more comfortable, if you want to take the lead that is fine or follow her and add what you feel is important............just don't fall into the habit of listening and nodding. You have points that need to be brought up as well.

 

The above was just some routes to bring up.........not all of them. Last thing you want to do is make her mad. One route is great with the key points on not giving up will work.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i forwarded one of my 2 females friends i talk to, and she said it kinda looked like a was conceding that is was over in my letter with all of the talk of " i have to live with that forever and telling her i know she will have a great life". do you think i showed her i was still trying or that i gave up?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I do not think it showed either, I think it spelled out that you love her but respect her choices. Which is the only way to go. The fact is if she says it is over, you must respect that and move on. While you can still hope and if she wants contact continue to be her friend the reality is you can not push yourself onto her or keep trying if she says no.

 

Now since she agreed to a talk, then you have all rights to try. But if at the talk she stays firm then you have to respect that. Your letter conveyed the natural response and that was that you are not happy but that you will respect her choices.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

nothing so far today. i am nervous she is going to cancel on thursday. but at the same time i am dreading going over there. i know she is back from vacation today.

 

its funny how big a difference a week makes. last week i was full of hope after the flowers, thinking she would come back. today i am hanging on by a thread hoping i can keep my composure.. ill start practicing my speech tonight, as if i havent said it 1000 times.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

just got this .............

 

Brian, I wont be available this thursday. Let me know if you can do a day this weekend.-Meggan

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

should i email her back or text.......... is this good or bad?

 

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Either or is fine........though text will be faster and give her time to make sure she is free that day.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

was going to tell her saturday at 6

 

is this good or bad?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its a date night, but if that is when you are free then that is fine. Date nights normally is not good because she may have plans for later on that evening and may be a little more distracted.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i guess im kinda hoping she wont be going on a date...say

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i guess im kinda hoping she wont be going on a date...say

sunday
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i guess im kinda hoping she wont be going on a date...say

sunday afternoon?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

She may not be going on a date, but being Saturday night she may have plans with the girlfriends, her co workers or maybe just her self. Saturday may be fine.......but you want to talk to her when there is the least amount of outside distractions.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

any thoughts on this, good, bad, neutral?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its pretty neutral.........no way to know what she is really thinking. More then likely she wanted to put it off so she had time to deal with this. Since she put it off then she is looking to give time to the talk so that is always a good thing.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

sat morning i have to meet with my lawyer to finish papers, should i include that in reply?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Unless the papers have something to do with her then I would say no, I would just say that you have a appointment on Saturday morning but are free Saturday night or Sunday. (Giving two options may be better)

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i ended up emailing her late last night, around midnight. i figured i would try to show her i was not sitting around waiting for her, so i waited 10 hrs. stupid i know. some people agree this might be good, but i am trying not to get my hopes up. i thought it was weird how she said unavailable, it sounded business like. then again when we were together, she would tell me i had good qualities for the future. i dont know what to make of this, but i guess ill see when she responds today.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I think she is just trying to keep things formal and unemotional. She knows that this is still painful for you and if she shows emotion she may be afraid of you pushing her which would get her emotional. In the end it is a game some women play, try to keep unemotional so the man thinks you are over them 100%

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

after my email, does she think i am just going to give up? she has to know that i thinks she still cares.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I do not think she thinks you are going to give up, but she knows that you are going to accept her choices and that you still care. She knows you still care, but she also knows how she feels and is anticipating that this is the end. You can try, and I suggest you do. But do not be surprised if she stays firm on it.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

got this around midnight...

 

Sunday sounds good- Meggan

 

 

sounded almost nice

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

At least it wasn't so formal.......that is a good thing. The less on edge she is the better she may listen.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i read into everything so stupidly. she sent three words, and i try to overanalyze. haha.

 

i have to ask you another thing. a couple of my friends at the station know what is going on. of course they are saying hurry up and go nail someone else haha. i told my friend tim, older and wiser, and he said i should not go see her. he knows me well, and he thinks i am hurting too much to talk to her. he dosent think i can change her mind, even after my email. they think i should have her put stuff out and i go get it. he says if she was coming back it would have been after the email.

 

i dont know if i agree, and as of now i am not taking there advice. even though i am trying to heal, part of me hopes the letter i sent and if we sit down i could maybe have a chance. i know we agree it is slim, but i dont know if they are right. i always take your advice, so what do you think?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I do agree to a certain extent, I do not think she is going to take you back. I hate to be honest at this point but she has had enough time to think about it and if she was going to come back it would have been after the email and trip. I think there is a slight chance that she could change her mind.........but it isn't very big and I do not want you to get your hopes up to high.

 

The part I do not agree with is not going to see her, yes you are going to be emotional but this is closure and may give you some insight into what happened and why. Often this closure helps to move us back into life.

 

As for the "nailing" someone else, there is something to be said about getting some sex. But when you are hurting like you are its a little bit different. This wasn't just some girl who dumped you.........this was a girl you were in love with and its going to take a little time to get over her. Jumping in the sack with a hottie isn't going to make her memory disappear. It may dim it a little, but its still going to be there when you are done and you may end up hurting some random girl who really did like you. Lets not go hurting someone in the process of trying to heal yourself.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

thank you for your honesty, its hard to hear but at least you arent sugarcoating it.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

These are the conversations I hate the most, I wish I could give you some sure fire tip that would have her falling into your arms. I hate to see it not work out, but the sad reality is sometimes we have to go though some "wrong" people to get the "right" person.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i was still hoping for your "just let it sink in" theory...

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

I wish I could tell you that, though there is some chance that she could change her mind the reality is if she had she would have contacted you after the trip which is what I was banking on. I had you send the email in the hopes she would think about it over the trip and contact you once she got back...........while she may still do so when you talk the chances are slim the longer she goes. If she had realized she wanted to get back together she would not wait until the talk, she would have contacted you already.

 

While there is still a slim chance, it is just that slim. I promised you some time ago I would keep it real with you, I will not just tell you what you want to hear or what makes you happy just to get paid. I would never steer you wrongly or tell you something I did not believe to be true. I really wish that I could tell you that there is still a good chance, but I would be lying and I want you to go into this talk with a clear understanding of where it is likely going to end up to prevent a breakdown. You do have a chance.....its just not a good one.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

well i am a nervous wreck already. do alot of people set these sort of dates up to talk? or i am just lucky. i am trying to organize in my head what i am going to say, even making a cheat sheet. botXXXXX XXXXXne is i need to be calm. crying might have shown the first time how sad i was, but this time would show weakness.

 

i know at points i will tear up. but i just gotta fight that. this may sound dumb, but i dont want to leave with her mad at me. granted this will be it, but i want her to remember i made a mistake, but i am still a good guy. i said all i could in the email. im sure she will try to remain very business like, but i gotta give it a shot.

 

any last minute advise...i'lll let you know tommorrow or mon what happens.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hey,

 

These kinds of talk are common in relationships where the break up is mutual or one party does not want to hurt the other party. If she was angry with you or hurt by you then no you would not have a shot, she feels bad about this and that is why she is giving you a chance to talk about what happened and such. She may even have a small part of her that wants to change her mind. Even though she likely will not.

 

The key is to not take all the blame, that is a sign of desperation. Admit fault for where you went wrong but do not be afraid to point out situations that you both could have done better at. Growing is about accepting that even though you made a mistake you are not entirely at fault. And in this situation you both have equal blame in this. You made a mistake, but she has made the choice to not work on the relationship not you.

 

As for advice, do not be to formal, laugh some and try to keep things light. If you go in tight and formal she is going to be on guard. Loosen her up, a good well placed compliment when you walk in is a good idea "Wow you look Great" Or if she has changed anything (Hair new shirt what ever) tell her the thing looks great. "Your new hair really suits you" "Is that a new shirt.........it brightens up your eyes" One compliment only. I personally like the "Wow you look great"

 

Small talk is good as well, just do not allow it to go past small. In other words its OK to mention what you or your son has been doing. But do not say anything like "We miss you" or go into detail. Allow a small pause and see where she leads with it. If she does not lead into it then bring it up. Say something along the lines of, I understand and respect your choice to end things.......but can you tell me why. This will lead into the conversation in such a way that you should be able to maintain composure. Do not just nod and listen, if you hear something you agree with then say so and explain why. If you do not agree with it then say so but explain why. But do it in a easy going way such as "Well I understand where you are coming from.......but I feel that_____________" And smile when you are talking so she knows you are not angry or confrontational.

 

Follow her lead, if she acts like she is done, or getting antsy then it is time to wrap things up. Offer her a hug when you leave...........this will be hard, and if you can not do it without becoming to emotional then skip it. But if you can it will leave things on a good note.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

thank you for the advice.. i guess i will let you know tommorrow what happens.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Sounds good, if you need anything tonight go ahead and post I will be checking in on and off tonight.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

5 hrs to go... my friends took me out last night for a suprise. guy gave me great advice, to just kill her with kindness. i just have to try to smile and be cool, but not not like im happy with her decision.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

He is quite right, the sweeter you are and the nicer you about all of this will help.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

what a horrible day...

 

i got there at 1. i brought her some tea from starbucks. she had on her running clothes, so i asked if we were talking or if she was leaving. she said she was going running with a group of friends at 1:30. right away, that through me off. in hindsight i should not have let it bother me.

 

she started telling me that she read my email i told her alot of stuff, how i wanted to fight for us and how sorry i was for my mistakes. she stuck to her guns. she even told me that her walls were back up and she was in a cocoon. i asked her to be herself, and she said she couldnt. she agreed it was both of us that made mistakes. i told her i feel like i am too little too late. and she agreed.

 

she said she was still too hurt. then she said the flowers on st patricks put too much pressure on her. she said she wanted to go back to being alone, and she said she wanted me to be on my own for a while. i am forgetting alot of stuff i will add later. i didnt cry, but my voice cracked a couple times. she said i am a great dad and i wasnt a bad bf. she said she was sorry for hurting me. i told her i was glad we broke up, because it made me realize my mistakes and make me a better person. she said we shouldnt get back together because of regrets..

 

and here is where she gets me...so i have to leave at 1:30. she tells me eventually we can try to be friends and see where things go. she never once said she loved me. we laughed about how long my email was. she says it was good how open i was.

 

i put my first load of stuff in my car and brought her stuff in. i had a pair of her running shorts and we joked about how i tried them on. i gave her a pillow back that i bought for valentines. i told her not to indian give haha. so then i told her i would always want to talk to her again. we hugged, and she rubbed my back. i told her it would be ok if she pretended she missed me, and she said she cant show her feelings at all.

 

so we go to her car and talk about our jobs and laughed. i asked her if she went to vegas. she paused and said yes, she needed to get away. i told her about papers being final. i decided i was going to go on vacation this week, so i told her.

 

heres the bad part. we went to hug and say goodbye again, and she looked at me during the hug, like she wanted a kiss. so i leaned in and she turned her head. so i kissed her on the cheek. she said it wouldnt be right, so we hugged again for another thirty seconds. i let go, and told her to call me whenever she wanted. she looked at me and said, ya we'll talk again. she said this about 3 or 4 times during the talk.

 

so i tried to get her back, and she remained tough. i am in alot of pain right now. what do you make of all she said. i know i need to move on, but i am just in alot of hurt right now.

 

 

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Its obvious she still has feelings, but for what ever reason she has decided that things are better broken up then put back together. The kiss wasn't such a good idea.........but if she looked like she wanted it then it would have been impossible not to try for any man so do not beat yourself up about it.

 

Its good that she wants to remain friends, the problem is that is a common ending line for women. They often claim "lets be friends" or "We will talk" to try and not cause to much pain........in the end the women knows that the man will move on and she will not have to really work on that friendship. I wish I could tell you that after time she will be back, but this sounded pretty final now. She has ended it in her book, and she let you come over so you could get closure on it. Which was big of her.......to many women can be quite cruel about the breaking up.

 

I know this hurts, and I wish I had some magic way to make it all go away but time is the only cure. I would strongly caution you NOT to contact her at all.......you may have breaking points where you want to call her and beg or try and talk her into coming back. You have to be strong and resist the urge to do so. The last thing you want is trouble and since she is a officer the fact is it could get nasty so its better to let her do any contacting if she really does want to talk later on.

 

If you were serious about the vacation I think this is a wonderful idea, getting out and away from the area for a little while can be very helpful. But make sure you do not go somewhere just to gireve.......get out and have fun and do things otherwise you are going to be more miserable. Go out and date some and meet new people..........now when I say date I do not mean jump into a relationship or in the sack. Just get out with people and have some fun wither that be friends or women is not the issue. Just be up front and honest with anyone you go out with, explain you are coming out of a nasty break up and just want to date and have some fun in life. This way you are not setting up anyone for disappointment. It may take a few weeks or more before you feel ready to hit the dating scene, but do not look at it like you are looking for the new girlfriend, let it be what it is...........a simple chance to have fun and meet people.

 

I know all this is a lot to take in right now, take some time to put your head on straight and move on. It will not be easy but you can do it.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

the problem is now i still dont feel like i have any closure. all this we just need time for ourselves talk. i am suprised what you said about the friend thing. i am really hurt, i thought she meant it when she said she would call. should i email her in a few days and ask her if that was just a blow off?

 

some other things that happened. when i went there for valentines day, i bought her a pillow. she had it in my things and i tossed it back on her couch, saying that was for you. she laughed. the flowers were all gone, she said they died.

 

when we broke up before, she put the motorcycle helmet i bought her. she put it outside last time. this time, she kept it. it was on her table.

 

she did tell me one thing that bothered her from our previous talk. i was really sad, and i made the comment " ild rather be miserable with you, than happy with someone else"... stupid i know, but she said it bothered her.

 

she was rubbing my back when we hugged, did that mean anything?

 

she said she read my email, but never commented on it. i told her at the end that i was sorry i was corny near the end of the email, and she said "thats ok i like when you are corny"...

 

any thoughts if she was really going running, or was that fake? why did she refuse to open up at all!!!

 

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The running was likely real..........her friends likely told her to make a plan that way she does not allow it to get out of control and may get emotional. It is easier to keep hold of yourself if you know you have a time limit. This was done on purpose to prevent a break down on her part.

 

She could have been serious about the talking........in the end only time will tell. No do not email her, because that would blow up. The fact is you need to know if she was serious or not. If you email her and push then she may continue trying to be friendly until you are over her. In the end this is not healthy as you can not move on if your heart thinks there is any chance.

 

The reason why she rubbed your back, and did the other tings (The helmet, the corny comment etc) is to try and keep things light. If she was firm and told you it was 100% over and you did not have a chance you would have had a break down, you may have cried or begged and she was trying to avoid that. By keeping things light she avoided a big mess.......which isn't fair to you but in the end is something we all as humans try to do. No one likes conflict and avoidance is only natural.

 

In the end she did not open up because she did not want a big deep conversation.....she had made up her mind and the last thing she wanted was to have to defend her choices and wind up in a argument or emotional situation right there.

 

I am sorry you do not feel like you have closure.......but the fact is you do if you look at it for what it is. She made the choice and after speaking with her you now see that this is what she really wants and is firm enough about it that she is not willing to sit down and open up about what went wrong.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

should i say anything to her in a few months, maybe just ask her some questions as to why

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i regret not asking her if she still loved me

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I would not contact her at all.........I know this is going to be hard but the reality is it is over. She has ended the relationship and as such the ball is in her court if she wants something more. Should you run into her there is nothing wrong with being friendly and open. As for the why, you may never know. The fact is you can contact her if you really must know, but if your going to do this it should be now not in a few months. In the end it does not matter as she has made her feelings known that she is not interested in working this out.

 

Asking her if she loves you would have made it even harder.......of course she still cares for you but wither she loves you or not isn't the issue. She may still love you and I suspect she does, but the fact is she has made the choice with her head and not her heart.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

im sorry i am repeating myself, i just cant believe this. i really cant believe how bad this hurts.

 

before i left today i read in email she wrote me november, after a bad vacation. she asked me to forgive her and she was sorry for hurting me. now the same thing happens and im on the outs. i told her today how i thought about both our friends, who cheated and lied, stayed together, but we couldnt. she said it was frustrating and i was looking for answers.

 

i am sorry i am just having a bad night.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No need to apologize, I know what you are going though. Been there myself a time or two....one worse then the others where I thought it hurt just to breath let alone look to the future. The good news is it does get easier, in fact everyday gets better then the next.

 

It sucks........I am not going to lie to you. It sucks that she would be so quick to accept your forgiveness but when on the other foot will not budge. But the fact is this is much more then just that one fight. You have both argued a lot in the short time you have been together and that in its self is enough to cause a break up. This last fight was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I know you blame yourself, but the fact is this is not just your fault. This is due to a number of problems that have just grown over time to make it look like impossible odds to her.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

well almost done with day one. decided not to go to myrtle beach this weekend because final four is in town, and everyone wants to go get tickets and hang out.

 

thought about her alot today, that email really haunts me she wrote to me. i just dont understand how it didnt work out. been arguing with myself alot about the we'll talk again thing. i am moving on, but i dont want to cling to that. plus it might all be bullshit. i guess if its meant to be it will work out. but she is so strong willed i dont know if it ever will. i wanted to tell her life is short, blah blah blah. but it only would have fell on deaf ears.

 

so i guess ill plan another vacation...

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Can't blame you for staying in town........but another time will be good to. I agree that if it is meant to be it will work out, but do not allow yourself to hold onto this hoping things will work out. If they do wonderful, but in the mean time keep on moving. Take things one day at a time, try not to look at it as getting over her........try to look at it as getting over the day.

 

Walter

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
Hello
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

for some reason i am just pissed off today. which is better than the pain. i just cant believe that when you love someone, you cant even talk to them at the end. i have had bad breakups before where you just knew it was over. this is just ridiculous. i put a good year in, made her happy, and she puts me on a half hour limit. she never even told me how she felt about the email, which i should have asked. hingsight i guess.

 

her saying the flowers put too much pressure on her was ridiculous too. i dont know i am just pissed off.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

There will be days like this when you are mad at everyone.......including me. I know the flower comment has your head reeling wondering if that was the breaking point. I seriously doubt it. A flower arrangement is not enough to make her mind up one way or the other but using it was a bit unfair. It could have put the pressure on her to talk to you but it did not make up her mind one way or the other.

 

Taking this long to decide was not fair, or cool. Typically when a women puts it off for a while it is because she has plans on coming back but wants her point to be made or she is keeping her options open (In case she meets someone else) I have never seen a women who thinks for over a month! She may need time........but she knew from the get go where she wanted to be at the end of this. While she may not have made up her mind completely she did have a good idea of what she wanted and most women who know already would not have encouraged you like she did in the emails. Every comment from her was encouraging and for this reason I was shocked at the email she sent you. When a women has a good idea what she is going to do (Leave the guy) she will either be blunt and say it is over........or do the we need space. When women do the we need space route they typical do not encourage the man and often act out in ways to show him she is done. She never did these things which is what is odd.

 

I do not think the flowers had anything to do with the decission.........but they could have put some pressure on her to let you know what she was planning. I suspect that she may have been keeping her options open, basically lets see where this goes and when and if I change my mind I will let him know. This is a normal tactic that some women use, they are ready to move on but hold off ending it officially in case they change their mind or find out that the guy is the best for them. It isn't fair, but it is common.

 

Since today is one of those days you are going to have to try and find something that calms you down. Anger tends to cause us to act out and the last thing you need is to act out toward her though a phone call or email.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

I am not upset with you about the flowers. i thought it would have been wrong not to acknowledge the day.

 

the thing that makes me maddest is how she refused to open up. if she was really improving at counseling she would not have told me the wall is back up. i am mad she gave me f**king hope saying she wants to be alone, but more that she said she thinks i need to be on my own for a while too. add this to the we'll talk again, it was either fluff or she thinks i am just this fool who is going to wait. which in hindsight, my emails did indicate that.

 

i screwed up some, i emailed her friend last night after drinking again. i just thanked her for talking to me and said how things didnt work. i then just made a generic comment at the end to keep an eye on meggan for me. lame and stupid, i know, but i guess i wanted to just be remembered as a good guy. good lesson, dont cheat/lie/steal, but you will still end up on your own...

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

damn it just got text from friends husband ... she forwarded it..haha.

 

screw it i didnt say anything i didnt already say. need to stay away from communication devices while drinking. at least i didnt send it to her. whats the worst that can happen, meggan can dump me again?? nothing i said got to her anyway, so screw it

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Well you are right that there isn't anything she can do that she hasn't already done, besides it wasn't really bad it was a simple comment and if she takes it wrong then that is her insecurities not yours.

 

Its never a good idea to contact someone when you are drinking, or angry........but it isn't the end of the world either.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i thinked we talked about it before, but i think the friend was trying to help, even by forwarding. i was nieve to think she wouldnt, but i was just trying to be nice. it probally came off as very corny. i am guessing it probally annoyed the shit out of meggan, just wishing i would go away, and leave her friends alone. stupid move, no more drinking and anything...

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It will likely annoy her, but there isn't anything you can do about it now but learn from it. No more emailing her friend at all.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i went through my stuff finally. kinda hearbreaking. she gave me all the clothes i had there. of course she gave me my old motorcycle helmet. the bad part is this. the night we broke up i bought her a pillow for our new bed, a card, and a bag or candy. i told you i saw the pillow and tossed it back on her couch, telling her it was for her. she said, oh i thought it was for you. and she appeared to keep it. but the card i bought her was unopened and the candy was still there. i was shocked.

 

she didnt give me back pictures of the three of us together, and i was really suprised she kept the picture of my son from christmas. maybe she threw it all out. i guess i will never know. it is funny everyday is a new emotion.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It is odd that she never opened the card or the candy, unless she knew then that it was over and was simply trying to wait for you to move on. Which is possible, but not fair either.

 

The pictures could have been kept for any reason.......because she wanted them more then likely. You will go though many feelings and emotions over the next few weeks. Some days you will be angry, and some days you will feel lost and still some days you may feel happy and alive again. The good news is as time moves on these angry and sad days will dwindle.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i dont think she knew it was over then. that 2nd email about breaking the negative cycle made it seem like there was still hope then. i think she is just an enigma and so out of the normal from your typical female, that reading her emotions or thoughts is impossible.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

You could be right........its just hard to tell with her actions. Certain actions appear that she did not care, while others show she did. Quite unusual to say the least.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

Time to move on , I guess.

 

I figure one of the ways to move on was to try to stop talking to people about it so much. You have been very helpful to me, and i am sure this situation has confused you just as much as me. I will probally never understand why meggan chose to move on, and i probally never will. I just know everyday is hard not having my best friend to talk to.

 

Found out 3 days ago the fire dept is going to be losing 9 people, one of which is me. I live in michigan and the economy is horrible. So in the last 7 weeks, I have lost my girlfriend, crashed my jeep, son was very sick, and now I am losing my job. I dont know what i did to piss off God, but man am i sorry. I guess we have to go through these times to make us stronger, but enough is enough.

 

I still think about meggan alot, everyday. Sometimes happy, sometimes not. I catch myself thinking alot about what I would say to her if she ever calls. I worry about her, and what her new job is doing to her. I know she will find somebody else and be happy, but i am not one of those guys that hopes for her happiness and all that. I obviously wish she could have done that with me. I find myself now in that spot of my head battling my heart. my head says its over and i have to move on, but my heart says maybe one day she will call.

 

Just about every night i have a dream about her, good and bad. I hate that feeling of waking up and her not being there. I am going to delete her email and pics today, in hopes of more closure. I dont want to let her go, but she already let me go. with everything going on with work and my son, i needed her to be there.

 

I think about if she is dating alot too. someone asked me out this week, and i just told them i wasnt ready. i just want to be alone, for a long time. i dont know if i can put myself back out there. Is the risk really worth the reward? Plus who is going to want to date a single unemployed father. being a firefighter is a big part of who i am, and that is going to take some time to get used to.

 

I just booked my "sarah marshall trip". going to miami at the end of the month for 4 days. by the time i get back i will hopefully be back to 100%. the weird thing is this. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. when i flip on a tv show or drive by something we did together, i think of her. everytime i see the marley and me advertisement, i get sad because we saw it together and were teasing each other for almost crying. i always wonder if she is thinking about me, like with the final four being in town, and she knows i am a huge sports fan.

 

everyone says this gets easier with time. i still consider myself in week 1, due to the fact i worked so hard the other weeks to win her back. it hasnt been one bit easy. the tears have stopped, but my heart really misses her.

 

thank you for all the support. like i said i am sure you have learned some new things about female police from this situation. maybe, one day, ill be able to write you back with some good news. Until then ill just keep moving on and trying to forget. thank you again.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am sorry sorry to hear about the layoff, now is not a good time to be unemployed. But look at it as maybe it was meant to be, maybe this is your sign that things have been stalled in your life for a while and all this is fates way of putting you back on the track you were meant to be on. I know its hard to see that now, but someday when you have found your spot in life you will see that all this pain and confusion helped you get to where you will be.

 

Its fine to wait on the dating, do what makes you feel comfortable.....just try not to get into the routine of never going out. A date is just that......nothing more. It does not mean you are going to be with the girl forever, it simply means you are getting out and living. Just make sure you are upfront and honest in explaining that you are simply dating and nothing more while you heal.

 

As for who would want a unemployed single father.........plenty of girls lol. Good women are not quite as self centered as all that. Yes some may be turned off, but guess what.......they are not the kind of women you want to waste your time with! You have a son and therefor must be a little selective about who you involve yourself with regardless, thus eliminating the selfish girls completely.

 

I am glad to hear you are getting away........sometimes space can help the heart heal faster. Just do not allow this to keep you locked up in your room. Get out and have fun, and meet people. The trip is about letting go and simply allowing your heart to heal.

 

Time is the ultimate cure.......while that may seem to be lifetimes away the fact is after a few weeks the days will get easier and you will stop thinking about her as much. Until eventually you see her as a fond memory and a part of your past.

 

Your very welcome, I know how hard this has been on you......I lost the love of my life after 11 years and 2 children so I can tell you first hand that things do get easier. For a while all I could do was think about what I did wrong and how I could have changed it. I followed all the rules and played by her game........only to find out that for her the love had never been there. With the passing of time I now know it could never have worked out.....but that did not make it easier either. But I healed, and you will to! Just take one day at a time and keep moving forward.

 

If you ever need anything I am here.......even if its just to vent.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

stupid question....

 

i was on the news last night for the speech i gave at the council meeting. i found video of it and was going to forward it to friends.. should i include her or never again? i think i already know your answer, but what the hell , thought i would ask

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No I would not forward it to her at this point, but if you really really want to then the best way to do it is to send it to everyone in your address book (This way when she looks at who all it was copied to it will appear that it was a simple case of you sending it via your address book and not to her personally).

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

no i wasnt hell bent on it. ya i was going to send it out as a group email, alot of people were really happy with the speech. it has been 9 days since no contact, so i am still having a hard time. plus i looked pretty good in my suit haha. it was funny, everyone was riding me because some young reporter from toledo wanted to do an interview with me after, which i did.

 

in a really pathetic way, i was kinda hoping she was going to see about the job loss. i know she probally dosent care, but i guess thats what i was thinking. i dont know who came up with this time heals everything because i just dont see it yet.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

You are not seeing it yet because 9 days is not long enough........give yourself a little respect here. You loves this girl, spend over 11 months with her no way in heck your heart is going to heal in 9 days. In a few weeks you may be feeling better, but its going to take a few months if not longer for you to get any real progress on your heart mending. There is no quick fix for a broken heart, its just a matter of timing.

 

I do not think its a great idea to send it, the fact is you are in the healing stage, the more contact you have with her the longer this is going to take for you to get over her. Every time you allow yourself to fantasize about her coming back, every time you allow yourself to email, call or write her you are prolonging the pain. Its like taking a club built from your memory of her and smacking yourself in the head every time you do this, the pain is never going to go away if are hoping that there is something that may cause her to think about you and change her mind.

 

I know it is not easy, but deep down you know you are harboring these hopes and fantasy's that she may change her mind......as long as you hold onto this hoping your heart is not going to begin the tedious task of healing itself.

 

I know the above is not what you want to hear right now........but I am telling you for your own good that holding onto this is only going to make it harder in the long run. I am never going to pull punches with you, I see your pain and I know whats going though your head right now......but trust me its not good for you in the long run.

 

If you send that email and she does not bother to respond or tells you to stop contacting her you are going to feel like you got hit by a mack truck. There is no good reason to put yourself in the line of the truck man.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

thanks, XXXXX XXXXX alot of great points... you will find this funny.. this is what my asshole female friend sends me, you might find it interesting....I agree with you to move on, and i swear i am trying. but sometimes, that little bit of hope gets me through a tough night

 

What a "dumper" feels
I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

The above is a fact, most people who quit on the relationship often start second guessing the choice within 4-6 months. The problem is normally after that time there is to big of a fracture to be fixed and 9 times out of 10 even if reconciliation occurs the relationship has a better chance of ending again within the first year.

 

While I know the above is giving you reason to hope, the fact is it isn't always the way it works out. Even though she may regret her choice her pride and Independence is going to play a big role in this. If she wasn't as independent as she is the above would weigh heavier on her.

 

I will not lie to you, yes there is a slim chance. But I do not want you to hold onto that for the next 6 months and end up hurt even further. You have to move on and accept it is over......if by the grace of god she does change her mind then great, but if not you do not want to start all this over again in 6 months when you finally accept it is over.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

you said it perfect. we are not dealing with a typical female her. numerous times you, my friends, and I have shook my head over her actions. I will never understand alot of the reasons for the way she acted , and i probally never will.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Big agree........you may never know her reasons or even what motivated her to make theses choices but you will learn to accept it and move on with time.

 

If you need anything let me know.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!!

 

i couldnt go 2 f**king weeks without f**king up! i was out last night and just trying to stop thinking about her. started talking to some girl and the subject of exs came up. started talking about her and got bummed out. this girl wanted to go further, but i was still too upset about meggan.

 

so what does my f**king dumb ass do at 3 in the morning???? text..." No matter what I say, I know you are done with me. Im not an asshole, I just screwed up alot. I wish i could go back and fix things, but i cant. I am so sorry"

 

damn it i am so mad at myself. and of course she dosent reply because she dosent give a shit. all i do is keep screwing this up! im just so mad right now, why cant i just forget this chick!!! damn it

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Sounds like you have had a rough day........don't beat yourself up about it man. It was bound to happen, I am just shocked it took this long Laughing Ok, so you got the desperate last chance beg out of your system. It happens man, and it may happen again before you are completely over her.

 

First bit of advice on the new dating.........never allow the conversation to veer toward the ex. Even if it is her bringing up her ex, simply smile back and say "been there, done that" and drop it. The minute you start on Meggan its gonna rip your heart out while its still beating man. She meant to much to you to be able to randomly discuss her with strangers, and every time you do......its gonna hurt like hell.

 

Don't beat yourself up, it happens.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

it just absolutely kills i screwed up. i have been so good to this point. at least it wasnt a dickheaded text. i dont think i begged, but it was dumb none the less.

 

you want to hear the dumbest part. when i brought her name up, it almost felt like i was cheating?? she dumps me!!!!!!!!!!! and i feel like i am cheating!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hi,

 

Thats natuaral......your still in love with her, so by talking with another women your heart is trying to tell you that it is still stuck on meggan. Which in turn tells you that its to soon to be considering other women. Thats why you did not go any further with the girl, the good news is the more you get out there and meet people the quicker your heart will heal and you will feel less and less guilt and more and more attraction which leads you to a new relationship. Just don't rush it, take your time and allow your heart and mind to tell you when its ok to go further.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

Almost made it a week.. couple things I wanted to ask you about. You thought I hit rock bottom before...haha

 

I was at work Tue, and the guys still know how upset I am, so we were talking about breakups. So a guy asked if I was spying and I laughed and said no. So some idiot asked if I read her emails, and I said no. Long story short, he said everygirl had one of three passwords. So out of curiousity, I looked. and I'll be damned he was right. So it popped up, and at first I couldnt look and shut it, but then my curiousity would not let me sleep. i felt and feel terrible. i havent even told anyone i looked, just because i feel so bad, not even my friends. and i refuse to look again.

 

Well what i saw was odd. she had a whole file just with all my emails, with my initials as the folder name. and yes the ones i sent to the friend were in there too. i deleted all of them out of my email so i wouldnt keep reading them. the last one in there was a joke email with a bunch of funny pictures. which she never sent to me, so i was confused, but it was dated well after we broke up? why would a female keep these if she was the one that ended it? then just of course i deserved it, i saw she was going on another vacation. i deserved to feel shitty after looking.

 

another bad part, i broke one of your rules, which i seem to do alot lately. i had a few drinks, not drunk , and was hanging out after a meeting at work. bunch of nurses and friends came in. long story short, started talking to new girl who just got dumped. long story short again, yep. i could not wait to get the hell out of her place after, it was weird. she said we both used each other, and we kinda laughed. she was ok, and i was too. today though i could not feel any guiltier. no one got hurt, but i just feel strange.

 

does this shit every get better??? its been 19 days since i saw her last , and 2 months since we dated. tonight i had tickets to a concert we were supposed to go to, and i have just been staring at them all day. i guess i am wondering alot if she is thinking about it too.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Well you got the strange sex out of the way, don't beat yourself up. It happens, and it gave you a chance to see what it felt like being with a different women and how it effects you. The fact that she was OK with it is great......if its going to happen far better for it to be with someone who knows the score and feels the same as you do. Now keep in mind....just because I said do not go out and hook up, that does not mean you have to be celibate. If it happens it happens, just don't try to forget Meggen by hooking up with a bunch of girls.

 

As for the email........no you should not have looked. With that being said, I have to admit that I would likely have done it as well. While I wish I could say No I would never do that, the reality is that is hard temptation right there!

 

Keeping the emails does seem odd, but then again maybe she likes to look and remind herself of why she has made her choices. In the end I really do not know, I can only assume she is keeping them to read them when she wants to.

 

So the tickets......I have a wild idea. You may think I am a bit off my rocker but it not going to hurt anything more then where you are right now. Why not call her, or Text her and let her know you have the tickets. Ask her if she would like to go as friends.

 

Now with that being said......be prepared for her to say no. She will almost definitely say no, but it will show that you are OK with everything and can be friends.

 

Now the reason why I want you to give this a try is to see how she is feeling.......its over the worst has happened. You got the tickets you might as well toss out a offer and see what happens. Just remember that she will likely say no, but its worth it in the end.

 

Should hell have frozen over and she says yes, come back here so we can talk.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

do you think that would push her further away and think i dont get it?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

How much further is she going to get? The fact is she ended it......there isn't any more driving her away. All this boils down to is you got tickets that you had planned on using with her, and are offering her a opportunity as a friend. She has one of two choices:

 

Accept it as a friendship gesture and either go or not.

 

OR

 

Accept it as something more and go.

 

In all honesty, if she is going to change her mind about all this then she will do so only when she is good and ready. A friendly offer isn't going to change this one way or the other. I see you there with the tickets, and if its a concert she wanted to see then I see no problem with asking her (While explaining its just a friendly offer, so she understands you are not pushing) In the end its not going to change anything that she does not want regardless.

 

In all honesty I doubt she will go......but it shows her that even now you can and will accept the choice but have no problem being her friend. If things change in the future then what will be will be regardless of what you do with the tickets. If she is 100% dead set against not getting back together then how is a concert offer going to change that? The fact is it will not. But if she has even a little inking she is still interested then this shows her that you hold no ill feelings about what has happened.

 

Now I am not telling you this so your hopes built up. I am telling you this to help you accept her as a friend and learn to move on. If you keep her on this pedestal that you have her on its going to be hard to find someone who stacks up to her. The fact is this is and was her choice.....and a choice she made from her own insecurity's in life. You continue to look at this as your fault, you messed up and therefor lost her. The reality is what you did was not that bad, and sure wasn't worth a ending like you got. You need to step back and see her in the real lighting! This was her choice, and thus she holds just as much blame as you do in the ending of the relationship. By accepting that and getting to know her as a friend it will be easier to see this for what it is and see that the future can hold much better things.

 

In the end inviting her or not isn't going to change much.......but it may help both of you with getting to know the other person without the haze of a relationship.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

I'll be honest, Im gonna think about it for another hr. I appreciate what you wrote how this all wasnt my fault. We both know she will say no. To be honest, I dont know if i am ready to hang out with her in that capacity. plus i dont want to hear she has a date or something .

 

The email thing has me baffled as well. If you are done with someone, why would she not just delete them? she didnt just keep the good or bad ones, she kept them all. and the ones i sent friend. the weird one is the joke email from her friend. in my dumbass hopeful mind i was hoping she was saving it to send to me.

 

i liked what you wrote at the end, maybe just more time would be better for both, today just might not be enough. today still just really sucks

 

 

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

In the end its your choice, if your not ready then fine.....don't push yourself. As for the email it is baffling, I am kind of surprised she has kept them all. Maybe she is keeping them to refer back to later should she be trying to catch you up in something or she could be keeping them so she can re read them when she is more comfortable with the whole break up thing. Since we really do not know how she is handling this we can only assume A) She is hurting too....Which could be why she is keeping the emails or B) She is 100% over it and is keeping them for some reason for a later date.

 

Walter

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

just couldnt do it. i decided to skip the whole thing, gave the tickets to friends. thank you for the idea though.

 

but luckily karma has bit me in the ass. i dropped my son off at his moms and came home. my curiousity was too much and i just had to see which of the emails of mine she kept. Luckily, her friend sent her pictures of some guy saying how good looking he was. i instantly shut it. im sitting here all f'ed up and she is off and ready to date. if she is off and running, why not delete me! i know you already answered that. i am having a really bad day and this sucks to see. everytime i try to move on i just miss her even more.

 

this is just ridiculous i am going through this.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

and to make it more confusing, the friend then sent a pic of that said "his wife" and showed pic of his wife. i give up, all this is doing is confusing me worse. no more looking, sorry to bother you about this. add this shit to the concert and i am having a bad day. one more week til miami

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Your not bothering me......I am sorry I was offline yesterday due to a situation I had to take care of. Well staying out of her email is a good idea, its not fair to her or to you not to mention it may likely be illegal as well. I am not judging you, as I know personally this would likely be something anyone would struggle with myself included, but you have to find a way to stay out of her email.

 

One of out other experts here was reading the thread to see if she could offer any insight from a womens prospective and she believes that Meggan is keeping these emails as a "Look at later" deal. Her take is that sometimes even though a women is over a relationship she often keeps personal things like letters, texts and emails to go over later when she feels more at ease with the decision she has made. Basically she agrees that Meggan is still hurting from the end of the relationship, even though she is firm with her choice and as such is saving these for when the pain of all this is over. And I agree.......The reality is even as cold as she has been in the past many of her actions still read that she still loves and cares for you, but has made up her mind that she does not want to be with you regardless of how her heart is feeling.

 

Since you were still feeling a bit rough around the edges its better that you did not invite her to the concert. I was hoping that even though she would say no, that she would see that you hold no ill feelings regardless. It may still be to soon for that, in the end trust your own heart on when you are ready for certain things. While I can help guide you, in the end only you know when you are really ready for certain things.

 

I hope today was a better day all around.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

Actually, thank you for showing the thread to a female, sometimes we cannot properly understand what goes through a womans mind. i just found out recently one of the females i was asking advice from wanted to date so she was giving me a bunch of bs to get over meggan. i trust what you say, and it has been helpful. if she had any other insights into the whole thing , any advice is appreciated.

 

I know you understand the whole 5 stages of grief thing, and i am stuck. i am constantly still in denial, while occasionally i drop in on anger. That is why the email thing is bothering me so much, because it pushed me further back. Lets be honest , you said she gave me closure. and i see now what you are saying. But here is where i get stuck when i try to write things down. During breakup she sounded encouraging, at the talk she said she wanted both of us to be by ourselves for awhile, said we would talk again, and the reason we broke up wasnt that serious. I keep thinking everyday she will wake up and realize whats going on.

 

i get angry alot, it is ridiculous what this is doing to me. i have been dumped, and been over it in a week or two. if i could just get out of the hope thing, i would be fine. i think too much about what she thinks about. the email thing confuses me for one more reason, and it is dumb. the last email in her file of me is a joke her friend sent her. i guess in my mind i was hope she was saving it to send me one day.

 

after reading what you and your co-counselor said, it frustrates me too! haha but you guys both agree this has been hard on her and she still cares, then what the hell is stopping her! but again i will never know, and reading emails is only going to make it worse.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I am fairly certain that she still cares for you, and the email she saved from her friend was likely meant for you......but she never sent it, maybe because she was afraid it would give you encouragement or maybe its something she intended to send later.

 

She did a lot of encouraging, and when she ended it there was the note there that maybe someday......now what this means could be a number of things. She may have said this in the hopes that you would be less hurt and eventually move on and forgetting about a maybe later deal. Or she really meant it, she may want more time to go out and live her life and see what she wants later. Basically date around and get to know what she wants first. On the flip side this is not fair to you. Of course she has told you it is over, and therefor if a reunion happens it is not anything planned.

 

In the end you can not wait around as she may never come back, or she may have just said this to make it easier on you until you get over her. Knowing 100% what she meant is next to impossible.

 

Unfortunately many women use this with the thinking that it will make it easier on the man now.......and sooner or later he will move on. The problem is when a man really loves a women he can use this to hold on even longer.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

One month today since the "talk".

 

Its funny it still feels like yesterday. Miami was good, it helped me by not having to deal with day to day stuff, but it gave me alot of time to think about her. 5 minutes, i would think i was ok. the next 5 i wondered why she never tried. the next 5 would she come back, and the next 5 f*** her, im better off. a fun little vicious cycle. occasionally i would think about how much more fun it would have been with her, but i was ok.

 

one of the hardest things about trying to move on, is knowing she is doing the same. i dont want her to forget about me, but we know she is a different breed. i know she has moved on a long time ago. everyday i have to remind myself she moved on. at least now i know ill be ok one day, i guess i just dont know when that day is coming.

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

One day at a time.......thats the key to getting to the day when you will be OK. Thats the good thing about getting away trips, it gives you time to just sit back and take it all in and accept it what for it is.

 

Today is a new day, and tomorrow is another new day. If you keep looking at it as a day by day basis it will be easier. Make sure you are getting out still and keeping busy. Don't let yourself fall into the dumps as it is easy to do this after a breakup like this. Spend time with friends and get out and date some when you feel ready. Keep in mind a date is not a marriage proposal......look at it as a chance to just get out. While you may not feel 100% about going out, go ahead and try it. Just don't start looking for a relationship and everything will fall into place.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

today is one month since the dumb text, and nothing since then. valentines day still feels like it was yesterday.

 

long time no talk. some days go by good, and others are still hard to breathe. i tried not to talk to anyone for awhile about it, and that helps my friends think i am better. i feel like i am a fraud at work or with friends. i have all this pain in me but i have to fake putting on this smile.

 

i still think about her non stop. i check that email once in awhile, but i have tried to stop. only makes it worse. its funny because i still cant go to the places we went together. my friends went to this restaraunt i went to with meggan and invited me, but i just came up with a bs exuse because i couldnt go in there. songs on the radio still hurt, and my son still sleeps with a toy she bought him.

 

thursday will be 3 months since the breakup. i know i should be over things by now, and i just cant understand what is wrong with me. i heard the funniest thing the other day when a female friend told me i could have any girl i want. human nature i guess, but the only one i want i cant have. i still spend too much time hoping she will come back, and i re-read emails and read into what she said too much. im trying, but it just wont get easier!

 

the worst thing is wondering if she ever thinks about me. but i guess with her ill never know. even though i keep hoping , my head knows better

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hey,

 

3 months isn't the time frame of when you should or should not be over someone, in fact some people take as long as 6 months or even a year......the problem is your not allowing yourself to get over her. You are still allowing yourself to think about her, checking the email and avoiding those places that make you think of her.

 

Getting over someone isn't about just allowing time to take the pain away......the reality is you must condition yourself to move on. This means rethinking the way you are doing things. When she pops into your mind its time to change what you are thinking about. When you feel the urge to check her email get off the computer. I also think its time to delete her emails, the fact is reading these emails that she sent to you is holding you back a great deal. The fact is she is not likely to come back......and you have to let your self know this to help stop the wishing and hoping. If you are constantly hoping she is going to come back your heart isn't going to stop hoping and move on.

 

Get out with other people and find new things to do.....this means anything from a new hobby to causal dating. Get out and do more things......staying cooped up with your memories is not going to help anything. Time is the key, but you also must work on healing your heart as well.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

i guess i never thought of it like that. i guess i spend alot of time wondering why she said and did alot of things, like keeping my emails or saying we just need time alone, instead of trying to forget. In my mind i keep replaying scenerios where i would run into her again.

 

after your reading your last post, i realize that maybe i dont want to let go. i want the pain to go away, but i guess i am hoping she will make it go away. i know you said its not fair of her for leaving the door open by the way she acted and little things she does. saidly i think i am clinging to that instead of moving on. you are right, i have to stop playing these games with myself.

 

tonight would be a good night to go over the emails one last time and delete them. i will do my best to stop with the emails. i wish i could stop wishing and hoping , but it is really hard. i dont mean to sound like a whiny bitch, but i have also never been in this situation before. i know millions of others have, and i am not special here. thanks for the kick in the ass..

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Any time......and no you are not being whiny! We all have our crosses to carry my friend, and this is yours. The good news is with time and a little bit of work you will get over this. The key is to tell yourself it is over and let it be......no more fantasizing she will come back or working up lines you will tell her when you run into her. They are holding you back and preventing your heart from healing.

 

I think tonight is a good night....grab a beer have a good cry and hit that delete button. Make sure you empty the your trash can as well (Yep no excuses Laughing)

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

well the deed is done. it was really really hard. ya the tears were definitely flowing. i dont think i have ever written more important things on how i felt to another person. i hated deleting the early ones from when we first started getting to know each other. the hardest thing about losing her is that we had a great dialogue chemistry. we could talk and joke nonstop. ive never been able to have a conversation with someone flow that smooth all the time. botXXXXX XXXXXne though is i poured everything as i had as a human being into that last letter, and she didnt even respond.

 

when i laid down after being emotionally drained, i tried to stop thinking about her and watch tv. the one big question i had was this and we already discussed it, but why was she, the dumper, keeping my letters and things? maybe she is a better person than me and can hide her emotions better. its funny how i said before we switched gender roles here at the end, me feeling like a chick.

 

the only i cant get rid of is my sons toys. he would be crushed. she bought him a stuffed wolf he sleeps with every night. thats ok, i will just have to deal with it. in someways after last night i realize maybe she wasnt ready for all that i came with, like a son and divorced. my favorite question i always think is how did i get over a 10 year relationship so easy, and a girl i knew for a year crushed me? well, at least im trying to move on

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

No do not get rid of your sons things.......this is not yours to get rid of. I know it can bring back memories but your doing the right thing by letting him keep them.

 

As for why, the answer is basically the same. After speaking to several other women its a matter of put away. Basically she is putting away all these things until she feels more emotionally ready to deal with them. Many women hold onto things from past relationships, then get rid of them when they feel they are ready to move on.

 

I am glad you got rid of the emails......now its time to start healing. Work hard at not allowing yourself to fantasize about her coming back and limit your alcohol use. I know this seems odd because it may help numb you but the reality is alcohol only makes you more depressed and you risk a addiction or making a mistake when intoxicated like calling her.

 

Time and hard work will see you though this.

 

Walter

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