The first was getting a new house. At the time, the purchase would triple the then mortgage. It was what I thought our dream house. He didn't want to, but wouldn't tell me why. I pleaded and he eventually gave in. I was up for a promotion and thought we could afford it. We are still in the house today. But the mortgage payments are more than he takes home net in a month (when he is working). We make the payments, but not really on a budget so other things (credit card stuff) seem to keep us in debt. THe 2nd was that my stepdaughter (who we raised) wanted to go to an out of state college. He wanted her to go somewhere in state.THe reasons he would give was he didn't want her to be too far. But actually, it was the money. I wanted her to go where she would succeed and so did not discourage her and convinced him that we get the Direct Plus loans for her to go (thinking we would not have to for the whole 4 years, but we did) now $85,000 later, he is bitter. I have gotten her to give us the monthly payments now that she is out, but that is a hassle every month and doesn't seem to matter to him. I am 42 and he is 49, turning 50 this year. My stepdaughter is now 24 with a Master's degree, then we have a 15 year old son with Asperger's syndrome. and 11 year old daughter on the Gifted spectrum. He has primarily worked in the rent to own business, but has also done plant production supervision (which he prefers). He is in between jobs again right now. The last thing he told me when asked about counseling was he would rather me start divorce proceedings then go to counseling.He doesn't need anyone telling him what to do. But then what is confusing is that he would go on like nothing is wrong..day to day stuff. calling to let me know where he is, etc. It is almost like I have to "force" him or act like he didn't mean what he said.
Thanks for the information. It helps. Its the keep trying that gets to me. And I know I should just struggle with for how long. I struggle with that the relationship is stagnate already. And struggle with what to do. I am a very faithful believer in marriage. and it scares me that the lack of intimacy is making me more and more not want to be around him. I am happier when he is not at home. It is like I am looking at someone who must not care about me, because if he did, he would want to try things that I ask. i would be ok without going to counselling, if we dialogued more often. (A technique we learned from a couples weekend the one time he agreed to go) I tried what you are suggesting once before. I guess I did not stick with it. The last time was the past 6 months. I keep hoping that he will come around and want to be more intimate (and he has) but a kiss once a week, a hug here and there, is really not enough for me. So after 6 months, I brought the subject back up again and was hurt that he is still in the same place. It is like "I can hardly focus on giving him attention and his needs, when he doesn't seem to care about any of mine." I struggle with when will I know that it is time to give up, and ask myself or do I just keep trying and continue to be unhappy or unsatisfied.