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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18294
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Im in a relationship now for about 1 1/2 yrs. 3mo ago I found

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Im in a relationship now for about 1 1/2 yrs. 3mo ago I found my fiance had been cheating on me almost the whole time we have been together. Im so hurt. After being called on it he admitted to it and only the parts I called him on. He says he doesnt know why he did it & will go to counseling because he doesnt want to loose me. Meanwhile, my emotions/fears are on a rollarcoaster. I dont trust him and he doesnt want to validate my feelings when I get scarred to what he might be doing. He said he has already said he loves me & what more can he say. I seem to now wonder am I creating more of this & dwelling on it or is he just a manipulator & not really sincere. He acts as if nothing ever happened. I found him looking at pictures of women on the computer that were from a dating site a week ago. He told me that it didnt mean he was cheating. He was just looking at the links that were sent to his email out of curiosity. I have an appt. for counseling myself, meanwhile am I be taken.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

It would help me answer you better, if you could supply a few more details.

How old is he?

Have either of you been married before?

How long have you been engaged? Do you have a wedding date planned?

Do you live together?

You say he's been cheating on you, practically the whole time you've been together, but he only admitted to specific incidents that you called him on/knew about. How did you find out about any of the cheating?

Was his cheating limited to only viewing/participating in conversations (emails) on dating sites, or has he actually dated other women and/or been intimate with them, that you know of?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

my boyfriend is 57.

we were both married before. Him for 20 yrs and myself for about 9.

We have just recently gotten engaged and have talked about sept. however we dont have an exact date.

We do not live together and I will not do that.

I found out for sure he was cheating by coming across some receipts I found of places he had been when he was suppose to have been doing something different. ( I wasnt sure if he was honest to begin with because so many or his stories never added up.)

His cheating was online viewing, conversations on date sites, phone and he was actually with them. Intimate I dont know for sure because he only replys with "does any of that matter now." My guess is yes he has been intimate with them. thank you so much!

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,Customer and thanks very much for your prompt response with additional and helpful information.

From what you have described, I advise that you move very slowly with this relationship/engagement, and not make any marriage plans just yet. If your fiance has been cheating for almost the whole time you've been together, admits to certain things, and is viewing online dating sites, speaking with women through email, on the phone, and actually meeting with them, most likely with being intimate with them, he does not respect you and does not sound like he's ready to commit to one woman either by engagement or marriage. Even if he was doing this while you were dating (which you mentioned), before you got engaged, he wasn't dating you 'exclusively', but you thought he was, right?

He either can't help himself and is addicted to meeting women online, doesn't understand or doesn't wish to 'commit' to one woman, or he's just not ready to be married again. He wants to be a 'player' and date many women, be intimate with them, with 'no strings attached'. He has hurt you and betrayed your trust and your love, and this is not the way to begin a marriage.

You were very smart to realize you both need counseling, and I think it will help you open your eyes to many things going on within your relationship that need to change. Going yourself, to begin with, is good. Then, he will need to join you for 'couples counseling'. If he wants to see his own counselor, that's fine at first, too, IF he does it, because it sounds like you don't believe he will make the appointment, and he gets angry when you press him about it. However, after you've both seen your counselors for a few sessions, to lay out the problems, you do need to go to counseling together, with an experienced couples and/or marriage counselor.

I hope things work out the way you want them to, but I would be very skeptical re: marrying this man at any time in the near future. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and you really have to keep this in mind. Besides the total lack of respect for your feelings, and his 'insulting' you by cheating, think about what communicable diseases he may have exposed you to, if he's intimate with other women. Your anger is well-justified and you need to act on it, to put yourself in the best situation for YOU and your future happiness.

Please let me know how things are going.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
you said in your response "once a cheater always a cheater" I've never been in this postion before and I guess with that comment is it likely change would possiblely be close to zero?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,

In answer to your question, unfortunately, yes. I'm sure you've heard the saying, 'a tiger never changes his stripes'; while many behaviors can usually be changed successfully through therapy and appropriate behavior modification techniques, if the person really doesn't want to change, and/or has been like this all his life, it does sound like chances of him changing would be close to zero. You never know until you try, but based on his past and current record, being dishonest and unfaithful to you, you'll have to decide if you can believe anything he says, even if he says he wants to/will change.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18294
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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