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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18738
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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but i spent a lot of time with her and we talked about serious

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but i spent a lot of time with her and we talked about serious matters. we quit speaking for two months then 08/08 she texts me saying "i miss u, u know how to treat a woman". we end up talking/texting again for about a month and quit speaking again. 12/08 she called and text to let me know she was having major surgery. i went out to visit and met her mom for the first time. they speak a language i couldn't understand but the mother asked me what church i went to. my ex had been trying to convert me to her religion. we pretty much acted like a couple and i went to the house and visited. at the end of the evening i made the mistake of kissing her a little peck on the lips. she didn't act repulsed but acted different after that not returning calls or texting when i would call. we quit talking again 01/09. recenlty 03/09, my ex met my coworker and friend at her place of employement and asked her how i was doing and if i had a girlfriend. my coworker said she didn't appear to have a boyfriend because the way she acted. 3-4 days later she texted me after two months saying she had reached her one year anniversary on the job and said she hoped i was ok. i texted back congrats and i hope she was doing well. a day later she texted me asking if i had received a thank you card and valentines card she sent to my parents house. i said no and this started a conversation. again i made a mistake telling her i missed our conversations and she immediately called me but we couldn't talk right then. she called me back at 3am the next morning and i didn't pick up then. the next day i called her back at 5:444pm and she called right back 5:45 saying she would call back after the laker game. she didn't call for three days and called at 2:00am this am. she tried to find out if i had a girlfriend. i asked her why it took so long to call back and she said she was busy. i asked her had she moved out of her parents house and she said not until she was married. she said she new this guy from awhile back that took care of her after her surgery and he proposed but she is keeping her options open. she didn't volunteer this information without me asking questions. the guy kinda sounded like me. i asked her would he appreciate her calling me and she said he is not jealous beside he can't afford to lose her. she said
she had no feelings for me anymore in a round about way and wanted to be friends with me and i could help her choose her options and i should feel honored. i told her that she didn't need to call me anymore and she should be with her future family and she got to hollering and saying i can't just turn down a friend like that and she was going to continue calling and the only thing i could do is change my number. so i decided to test her and told her to meet me at a restaurant we frequented for breakfast and she said she couldn't this am because she had to meet her preceptor. my question is what does she want? every couple of months she initiates a conversation and wants to go out. now she's telling me about a new guy. yeah i still do have some feelings for her, i don't know why. thanks in advance for your response. sorry for the long letter.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with more details.

I just have a few questions for you, so I can better understand your situation.

What made you think she was seeing other people when you were together?

Have you ever lived together or have you always lived in separate residences?

Do you think she mentioned this other man proposed to her, to make you jealous?

Do you still want to get back together with her, after all that has happened?

Do you think she still has feelings for you?

Have you been dating at all, since you stopped seeing her regularly?

Please just click 'reply' to send me your answers to these questions.

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

thanks for your response. the first month of the relationshiop she asked me how long i had been broken up with my previous and i said 6mos, she said she had spoke to hers in over a year. then one night she doesn't think and forwards me a joke email that was sent to her by the ex. i eventually told her that if she hadn't been in contact with this guy in over a year, he wouldn't be sending joke emails out of the blue and she got defensive.

then when things weren't going great i just kind of shut her out because all we did was argue. she didn't say anything at first but one morning she wanted to meet for breakfast to talk about our relationship. this wasn't her style. we ended up spending the whole day

and had a good time, she asked to extend it to night but i had night school. i knew this day wasn't right so when i got home i called her and told her to come to the apt which she had been trying to get over there. she told me she was at home (her parents house)

but i was out front while i was talking to her on the phone. she came over dressed up from somewhere else. we've always lived at separate residents approx one mile apart.

just a side note, she's african and her parents would rather her date within her culture

but she's been over here since she was 16(now 25). that was an issue too because she wished i was african and of her faith. she's a smart girl, for some dumb reason i

still like her and wouldn't mind trying again if she were on the up and up. i date all the time and with someone more serious briefly. in answer to why do i think she mentioned

the other man and do i think she still has feelings for me, i know your not a mind reader

but i was hoping you could kind of help understand this. when she was talking to me about this she was giggly and tried to give that i'm running things gesture over the phone. she said i was too strong willed and when she went back to africa 12/07 said she was going to get some strength from her grandmother in the form of voodoo to tame me. we both laughed at that. whenever she has talked about a man that she's dated, she talks about how she's in control and gives examples of how she tells them

what to do and they listen and she adds unlike you.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks very much for your responses with helpful, additional information.

It seems on the one hand, that she does enjoy spending time with you and you get along well until she feels she can't control you, and you mentioned she likes to be controlling. Even when she said, jokingly, she will get some voodoo from her grandmother to 'tame' you, I think she really believed this, as she was brought up with it, and feels she WANTS to tame you! However, even though it keeps the relationship 'interesting', when you have differing opinions, and occasional arguments are normal in a relationship, it's odd that she said she 'likes' arguing. That could almost sound as if she 'looks' for things to argue about with you, just for the fun of it.

I agree with you that you seemed to have caught her in a lie, when she said she hadn't spoken to her ex in a while and then you saw that he had forwarded her a joke in email. While it's possible that she just remains on his 'mass email list' to send jokes, and she really wasn't 'speaking' to him, if they were broken up and no longer in contact, she shouldn't have been receiving jokes from him, OR she could have told you that they don't really 'speak', but he occasionally sends her jokey things in email.

I think she also may be pulling back from her contact with you, and making sporadic attempts at keeping touch, which, I do believe is not really fair to you, because it gives you false hope of a possible reconciliation, due to pressure from her parents re: your cultural and religious background, which they did not hide their feelings about, when you were at her house.

She sounds like a very strong-willed woman, which is not a bad thing, for her, but at the same time, as I mentioned, she does want to control any man she's with, and if you don't like this type of woman and would like life to be 'easier' and more romantic with someone else, it would be a good idea to move on and continue dating other women at this time, until you find someone who 'complements' (goes together better with) you. Relationships, while they do need 'work', to make them successful, shouldn't be as hard as she's making it for you.

I think by contacting you every couple of months, as I mentioned, she's thinking she'll keep you interested and 'around' in case things don't work out with whomever she's dating now, like keeping you in 'reserve', as an 'extra', so she'll never be alone if she's not dating at any particular point. In my opinion, she's 'using' you, and that's not nice. If you wish to keep in contact with her, here and there, that's okay, but I would definitely recommend that at this time, you move on with your life and find yourself a true love who will mutually respect and love you for who you are.

Please let me know if you have any additional thoughts on this and I'd be happy to discuss them with you.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18738
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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