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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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My husband has recently had an affair which has seriously affected

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My husband has recently had an affair which has seriously affected our marriage. He says he loves me but needs time. He knows he is being unfair to me. He says the spark has gone from our relationship. He syas he constantly thinks about the other woman wishing she was in my place. Am I wasting my time waiting for him to show me the love I want?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-Are there children involved?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am 32 years old and my husband is 38. We have a five year old daughter and have been married for 6 1/2 years. We suffered a miscarriage 6 months after getting married and I got pregnant immediatley after. I never mourned the lost child and suffered with PND after I gave birth due to this. I was worried the new baby would die and my husband would leave. We moved away from friend and family due to his job when our daughter was 18mths. I was lonelly. He started a friendship with a lady at his work. His job is demanding and stressful and he spent a lot of time in the company of this woman. She chased him for many months before he slept with her. The relationship grew and I found out. At CHristmas I found out he had been seeing her again and he wanted to leave but afetr a few nights in hotel decided that he wanted to be with his family as the other woman would be no different. Now he tells me I am smothering him as I questions where he has been. He is out all the time for nights away and I have found receipts to say he is in a different town to what he says. He swears he is not seeing her or anyone he just wants time apart to sort his head. He knows he is being unfair. We do not make love. We occasionally have sex (more to scratch and itch rather than affection). He says he loves me but the spark has gone, he says his feelings for the other woman are strong but he will not leave me. He gets jealous if I go out and says he does not trust me. I have been very faithful to him but I am getting tempted to stray only because I crave attention and touch. He says I smother him asking for love and he thinks I act too desperate. He blows hot and cold. One day it is good the next bad. Do I need to wake up and smell the coffee or do I give him time? He will not go to a marriage counsellor
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think you have already woken up and smelled the coffee because you now know about the affair but what you need to do is if you chose to give the marriage another chance than you have to be willing to forgive him for his indiscretion and when you constantly question him that makes him think that you still do not trust him, you should always makes sure that you are totally willing to forgive and let it go before you take him back. When there is a child involved it is very important to try very avenue before divorcing because children always suffer and blame themselves. Since he doesn't want to try Marriage counseling then it's going to be even harder to get pass this, because a marriage counselor can help you both better communicate and help you to get back to where you can show each other affection without feeling overbearing. I think it's because he feels the counselor will automatically blame him because of the affair and that just isn't the case the marriage counseling is on the outside looking in and will have a neutral opinion to better help you both. With that being said since he doesn't want counseling you are going to find other alternatives.

 

No matter how your spouse feels about you now, they must have loved you at some point in the past, or they wouldn't have married you. If you want to save the marriage, you need to show your husband that the person they fell in love with is still there. You may have changed over the years, because of your miscarriage and not grieving for your child you lost and then moving away from family and friends, it's taken it's toll on you but you need to show him that underneath you are still the same person and can still give them the feelings that made them want to marry you in the first place. Maybe you should try counseling yourself and then they can give you great tools in doing just that getting back to where your marriage was good and also they can help you finally grieve and work through the PND.

 

Also be honest with your husband and tell him why you've changed that will help him to understand what you have been going through and why you changed. Rather than trying to change your husbands mind, you instead need to work on changing your own actions. This means working on yourself and not him, it will make you stronger and possibly through that strength you can also save your marriage because no sort of manipulation or pleading is going to save your marriage. If your spouse wants a divorce, it means that they are unhappy with some aspect of the marriage and that may be why he went to the other woman to find something that was lacking in your marriage. I don't think he wants a life with this woman he just didn't have to try too hard with her probably and he misses her only when things get too complicated with you. He may not want to go back to what happened in the affair whereas you want to know details and he doesn't want to give them to you. Maybe it's better not to know and try to start with a clean state and find more alone time with each other try giving each other two days out of the week for date night with just the two of you and a romantic dinner or a quiet movie or even a quiet dinner alone at home find a babysitter for your daughter and just find each other again.

 

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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