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I think you have already woken up and smelled the coffee because you now know about the affair but what you need to do is if you chose to give the marriage another chance than you have to be willing to forgive him for his indiscretion and when you constantly question him that makes him think that you still do not trust him, you should always makes sure that you are totally willing to forgive and let it go before you take him back. When there is a child involved it is very important to try very avenue before divorcing because children always suffer and blame themselves. Since he doesn't want to try Marriage counseling then it's going to be even harder to get pass this, because a marriage counselor can help you both better communicate and help you to get back to where you can show each other affection without feeling overbearing. I think it's because he feels the counselor will automatically blame him because of the affair and that just isn't the case the marriage counseling is on the outside looking in and will have a neutral opinion to better help you both. With that being said since he doesn't want counseling you are going to find other alternatives.
No matter how your spouse feels about you now, they must have loved you at some point in the past, or they wouldn't have married you. If you want to save the marriage, you need to show your husband that the person they fell in love with is still there. You may have changed over the years, because of your miscarriage and not grieving for your child you lost and then moving away from family and friends, it's taken it's toll on you but you need to show him that underneath you are still the same person and can still give them the feelings that made them want to marry you in the first place. Maybe you should try counseling yourself and then they can give you great tools in doing just that getting back to where your marriage was good and also they can help you finally grieve and work through the PND.
Also be honest with your husband and tell him why you've changed that will help him to understand what you have been going through and why you changed. Rather than trying to change your husbands mind, you instead need to work on changing your own actions. This means working on yourself and not him, it will make you stronger and possibly through that strength you can also save your marriage because no sort of manipulation or pleading is going to save your marriage. If your spouse wants a divorce, it means that they are unhappy with some aspect of the marriage and that may be why he went to the other woman to find something that was lacking in your marriage. I don't think he wants a life with this woman he just didn't have to try too hard with her probably and he misses her only when things get too complicated with you. He may not want to go back to what happened in the affair whereas you want to know details and he doesn't want to give them to you. Maybe it's better not to know and try to start with a clean state and find more alone time with each other try giving each other two days out of the week for date night with just the two of you and a romantic dinner or a quiet movie or even a quiet dinner alone at home find a babysitter for your daughter and just find each other again.