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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I type my question but I dont know what happened. Well I was

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I type my question but I don't know what happened. Well I was explainning my sexual and personal problem, with my husband. Despite 14 years of marriage, I hasen't had any climax or orgasm with him... he just penetrates me... and doesn't care at all of being tender.. or erotic before intercourse... when he see me excited he is just like a horse.. excuse me but that is the way it is. I talked to him years ago... and ask him to take more time with making love... kissing and hugging before penetration.. he doesn't seems to understante... he wants me to have a climax in 5 minutes of penetration. Once during sex.. I asked him to touch me... in my parts not just penetrate, and he got mad and stop love making and told.. me... what happens you don't feel anything with my dick?... ! some time I thing he is mental retarded. ... I hear him comment stupid things about women who likes to be touch..are lesbians... so can't explain anything to him! ...As I am catholic.. I endure all this. Help!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Behappy,

Have you had orgasms before? With others or your own?

How often do the two of you make love?

What is your question/s?

Chase

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Chase my questions are two.. first is it possible to become ill, like nervous illness, due to this problem. belief me it is easy all this years... to endure this, making other values priority. Can I get sick of nervous condition.. or neurotic?. Some times I am also like very distracted, I can't concentrate in things like reading and always ansious so I eat what I shouldn't just like 'comfort food' and become overweight..
the second question is: Is there is a solution for me? not having orgasm with intercourse... and don't like to touch my self! I never do it and won't do it.

Yes, I had orgasms, by my self touching and with him by manual touching once... but he never do it because he thinks if he has to do this.. is because I am a lesbian!

I also had an orgasm just by imagination, believe it o not.. I wake up with an orgasm.. incredible for me. But.. again not with intercourse with him. SO there is a solution that excludes manual estimulation?
Another thing and question is... as he excites me but then doen't care about me getting to climax or not.. I realizes he doesn't loves me.. and taking in account that for him is not like I left him exited all the time with that up... and then nothing.. I have thought about divorce. Because this bad sex is driving me nuts!. He just touch my tits and thats it, jus penetration for like 8 to 9 minutes.. that's it and I remind excited and feeling distracted completly untill I realize he ..is done!.

We make love like 1 per month or sometimes he waits 2 per month. He was cheating once on me... and it was with an old girlfriend in anothe country... just stupid thing of sending this women money and presents.. so, from the moment I discovered that.... I forgive him but... I really don't feel able to sacrifie my self anu more... for my 'marriage'... so all this personal
issues and probably medical issus keep me worry and sad. What can I do to have de vaginal orgasms, and if this situation of being hot and then nothing... for me!. Call everybody friends, all males like him.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello

Thank you for that additional info. Yes, it is possible to become ill, to feel anxious, to eat more, drink more.....it can affect you badly in many ways. You do not give yourself many ways out of your situation. You say that you will not get a divorce, that you don't believe in it. So it seems there is nothing you can do on that end.

You say you want to experience orgasm, but that you will never touch yourself. Well orgasms don't happen by themselves. If you cannot talk to your husband about what you want, if he doesn't not listen or is not willing to do what you want/need and you are not willing to satisfy yourself, then what else is possible?

Of course you know that touching oneself there, or having your many touch you there does not mean you are a lesbian, I do not know where he got this idea from, but it sounds like it's just an excuse for him not to please you or to be intimate with you. You could always refuse him sex if he's not willing to be more open about it, but then you run the risk of the sex stopping completely.

Orgasmic dreams are not unusual, but it can be hard to have them at will. Some people say that they can have them at will just by imagining what they want before they go to sleep, but it's something you would have to try for yourself.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is you are going to have to make some decisions about being happy and the things that are important to you. I understand your religion is important to you, but in a marriage a husband is supposed to love his wife and please her as well, not treat her like she has no feelings or needs.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Ms. Chase,

 

When all this issues... religion, personal values, medical things, love, all are like in

differente directions... like a collition (please excuse my english) to whom I could ask

counselling better... ?

 

The pastor in a church will just talk to me about sin... and about making efforts to save my marriage from an spiritual view..

 

the psiquiatrist or psychologist is very logical ..but excludes the spiritual solutions a lot... because everything has to be 'practical'...

 

the love not always has all the answers... due to inexperience, and this lack of sexual experience is because my religion of course I never was a promiscous person so my husband was a very unexperienced relation.

 

Another question I forgot, Chase, if I supect my husband is really retarded in his intellectual... how can I test him for sure.... he works a lot, and makes his money yes, but he is unable to a lot of things... not even write or read well, none maths, he is very shy speaking so even for going to the bank or the doctor I have to go with him... to do the speakiing!.. he abuses alcohol... and never seems drunk but he drinks a lot.

All this things during all this years... make me think he does have a problem, of some mental retardation, it is impossible to speak to him... he just scream at a lot o things... and make his own interpretations about what is say to him.

 

If I talk about sex.... he doesn't like to be taught by a woman he says..he is a man!..

How would you suggest... I make some sort of IQ test on him... so I verify if his problem is that he is retarded. Because it is impossible to talk to him about any serious issues.. and that cheating he had once... was just by letters..nothing physical, and because he belief (he admits) that I think he is stupid.. and I don't love him. His mom also dominates him a lot.. and he is already 50!. If his mom says your wife...doesn't loves you... he just belief her!.

 

How could I test him... about his IQ... without him knowing. I think that is the real problem of our sexual problems... because he doesn't understand nothing!. And Yes I have some decision to make. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello

You are right that the church and the mind and the heart are at odds many times. That is what makes life so difficult for many people to find happiness in their lives. I believe that you have your God that you believe in and that God wants us to be happy and not hurt other people. I don't think that God thinks we should stay in a situation where we are not happy, but that is my belief.

You have to decide what is possible and what is not possible. If it is not possible that you will ever leave your husband, then you have to decide to make the best out of the situation you have. You have to do more things to make yourself happy because this is the only life we are given here on this earth.

If he is 50 years old and is not willing to talk, communicate, share and love with you, then I'm not sure he ever will. It's harder to change the older you get. It doesn't have to be you teaching him, but you learning from each other and teaching each other what you want sexually and emotionally.

I'm not sure that you can test his IQ without him knowing, but between the drinking and screaming and some of the things he says, he does sound abusive and perhaps not of great intelligence. Only you would be able to know that by talking to him over the years.

You have to decide if you love him. If yes, then you have to find a way to get across to him that you want more intimacy from him. Perhaps having him have a few drinks, lighting some candles, nice music and se how it goes.

If you don't love him, then you have to consider what you want to do for the rest of your life. Suffer in a marriage with him, or try to find a new life and perhaps someone who can love you the way you need to be loved.

Let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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