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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hi, I caused a huge rift with my girlfreind that ended up with

Customer Question

Hi, I caused a huge rift with my girlfreind that ended up with us splitting up, We had a good relationship up until about 18 months ago when i developed huge problems at work, I have an incredibly stressfull job, Over a period of a few weeks i totally and utterly lost my confidence in my self and for some reason i couldnt have sex with my ex, One particular evening just to make her leave me alone i told her i thought she was poor in bed this is completely untrue and i have regretted this ever since! Since this time we split up and i explined the situation to her and apologised profusely for saying what i did, However she called me about a week ago broke down and told me she had slept with someone as a one night stand, I really love this girl and im happy to accept this is my fault im grown up enough to leave this in the past and were meeting up on wednesday what can i do to make her feel better about herself and make myself look slightly less like a total jerk?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

It's good when you can admit faults and mistakes, and it was normal for someone who is told that they are 'poor in bed' to seek confirmation that this is untrue. I can't imagine how much this must have hurt her and caused a huge blow to her confidence.

Even if the two of you do get back together, she may forgive but it may take far longer for her to forget. You have to be clear with her that you don't hold what she did against her, let her know that the two of you were spit up and she did nothing wrong. You can't ever bring it up in an argument or otherwise use it against her.

As for your comment to her, all you can do is let her know you were stressed and were only looking for an excuse to avoid sex. Because it was hard to admit that you were having problems you wanted to say something that would get her to leave you alone and it just came out before you could think.

The fact that she's willing to talk with you and meet with you means that you have a chance at getting back into her life, but only if you are willing to be humble and to help her work through this. You'll also want to consider how you will act should things get stressful again, how will you handle it? No job should cause you to lose confidence in yourself, and if it does, you may want to consider changing jobs. It may be possible if the two of you can't get past this you may want to consider couples counseling for a little while, just get some coping skills and get you through this patch. If the love is there, you both should be able to work through things.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Chase many thanks for your answer, I have been a total fool im fully aware of the damage i have done, When we spoke i told her virtually word for word what you have suggested I believe my ex called me to originally throw this in my face to get back at me but the relaxed and calm attitude i took to the situation seems to have thrown her, I really want to sort this out by being as honest and as understanding as i can be with her but im not so sure if she will get over it, She seems to see this one night stand as being the final straw,
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

On a side note i cant leave my current employer, As its the only one within about 80 miles of my location that offers the type of work im qualifed for even if i did leave any new employment within my current field would involve the same stress levels and i cant afford to take a paycut and start afresh doing something new.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi chase, From what she has told me about the individual it appears to be someone she knows, I have no right to lay down the law as the situation has been caused by myself but i dont really know how to handle her continuing to see this guy im worried it might turn into something if it isnt nipped in the bud but dont really know how to bring this up with her any help greatly appreciated

Cheers

J

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hi J,

My original response was with the thought that both of you were on the same page as far as getting back together. Sure you made a mistake, and sure she made a mistake, it's not about laying down the law, if you two decide to get back together of course she should not sleep with this person again or continue to talk to them on that level. I would concentrate more on how things will be between the two of you going forward and then address the fact that you are both seeing only one another. I understand about the job, but that means that you will have to try and find some outlet for your frustration and anger and learn not to bring it into your home. Whether thats some type of sport or hobby, or seeing a therapist, whatever helps.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for your advice Chase, I know ive been one hell of a muppet, will keep my fingers crossed and see how things go wednesday.

J

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You're fine and on the right track in my opinion. I hope things work out the best for you. If you want to talk more or talk after Wednesday, I'm around, you can ask for me by name. Chase

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