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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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How do you survive and overcome the ultimate heartbreak, my

Customer Question

How do you survive and overcome the ultimate heartbreak, my fiance, the only man i have ever fully trusted and love unconditionally, is having an affair with a 19yr. old girl, he has raised my 21yr. old daughter for the last 12 years, i know he has also recently been using cocaine, i am 42 years old and feel like my life is ruined i don't want to let go of him i love him so so much but he continues to lie to me and deceive me and shows absolutely now care or concern for my feelings, i ask him if he wants me to leave and he says no, but i honestly believe he does want me too what i just don't  understand is why he won't be honest he obviously doesn't intend to work on trying to save our relationship he continues to tell me to just get over it or he says just grow up, he says he doesn't see the girl any longer but today after staying out all night long last night he left angry when i addressed the fact that he was not telling me the truth about where he had been. he left and was withher
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


Until he is willing to get help for both the drug use and the cheating there isn't anything you can do or say to get him to stop, it seems like he has been doing this for some time because of his behavior,.he has learned to have an answer to any questions when he gets home which means he has gotten use to lying to you to get out of trouble. The first thing he needs is drug treatment but since he isn't willing to do so you have to figure out how much of this you are willing to stay there and take. He has two of the most damaging addictions drug addiction and sexual addiction. An addict will do whatever it takes and say whatever he has to say to hide his addiction even when their mate knows what they are doing, they will tell their mate they are no longer doing it so that they will back off and believe them but they never stop doing it because it's a sickness and the only way to get rid of that sickness is through counseling.


In order for him to get better he has to want to stop and get help but he isn't at that stage right now and it may have to take him hitting rock bottom before he decides that he is out of hand. I think that the other woman allows him to do what he wants around her and doesn't care and that is why he runs to her he needs to be some where , where he can do his drugs and still be wanted. It may take you leaving for him to see what he stands to lose but then again that may give him all the more reason to do the things he has been doing but you now have to realize that you do not deserve this treatment and this pain, you have to decide what is best for you and what your worth is because his worth is nothing right now and if he doesn't feel good about himself there is no way he can make you feel good about the relationship.


You can do one of three things, First you may have to take the tough love approach, the addicts family, relatives and/or friends deciding that they will no longer help their addicted loved one in hopes of helping them be more willing to accept help with their addiction on their own. That means refusing to give him cash, transportation and shelter. You may have to do a Drug Intervention. This style or method is the most effective because of its can to emotionally break down the drug addict enough to realize that indeed they need help, the process of drug intervention means to get a team of professionals to assist the closest friends and family of the addict in breaking apart their loved one's drug use. Drug Intervention is a great and effective process in that it is able to reach a particular level of success no matter what the addict decides to do. If the he ultimately chooses not to accept any help yet the family or friends obtain new coping skills, then is it not a success?


The third choice is to leave him until he gets help or leave for good and believe that you deserve better than this. The last one is the hardest to do especially when you feel they need you the most but what you have to realize is that he needs the drugs more than you right now and there is no comparison right now he will choose the drug because he is an addict and as long as he knows you are sitting at home waiting for him he will not do anything about it.



Customer: replied 7 years ago.

kimberly, a few things i didnt't mention, my fiance does not need the help of family to live this crazy lifestyle he is a sucessful business owner and does not rely on finacial help from anyone, so that part would not apply to him, he is perfectly capable of supplying his own habbit. however, he is also under a tremendous amount of stress with his business and has recently lost his father due to lung cancer with whom he was very very close to, he seems to have taken up the drug habit about 2 yrs. ago shortly after he had one of his employees commit suicide at his place of business this guy was like a son to my fiance. my fiance is the one that found him at his shop, no one else had come in to work yet so he was by himself, i do think he does suffer from post traumatic strees syndrome i don't think he fully grieved this loss, and i don't think he has for his father either.

i think what i need most guidance with is, i happen to be a very loving and forgiving person who has always accepted people regardless of their faults or weaknesses, i do always convince myself to focus more on the positve in people, i am not very judgemental and have tendency to try and overlook the bad even when it harms me emotionally i need to try the tough love approach but this is extremely difficult for me,

i just keep thinking that the love we share is strong enough to overcome this but i do understand that he has to realize that he is addicted to cocaine and it is ruining our lives

i just wish there was some magical answer to this all, i have never been one to give up i love him so much, i think when i finally realized what all he had been doing i kinda blammed myself like i wasn't there for him in some way,and i think it made me see how much i do love him for ten years i never had a fear in the world with this man he is 5yrs younger than me but has always been there for me 110% in every way possible, i never had to worry about a thing, he was so wonderful to myself and my two children, we have lived together now for 9 yrs. this seems like a nightmare or maybe even hell. i can't let go, why, where is my common sence, my, strength?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


Please allow me time to read what you typed and then type my response. I thank you in advance for your patience.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


It's not a weakness to love someone even when they don't always treat you the way you feel you should be treated. You fiance's had two traumatic events in his life one right after another and finding someone who took their own life is very traumatic and he really needs counseling but I think he feels if he gets help that will mean he is weak or he will be embarrassed. He shouldn't feel ashamed to need help with dealing with grief and pain, he is using the drugs to dull the pain but when he comes down off of his high the pain is still there and so he has to use again to become numb again, it's a repetitive behavior that spiraled out of control and now he doesn't know how to relieve the pain and kick the habit now because it has become common place for him. You can either stay and withstand this bump in the road or leave until he gets the help he needs but if you stay and hope that things get better on their own then you will only be wasting years because until he decides to get help he cannot kick the habit on his own and I think he needs more than just drug counseling he needs counseling to deal with everything he has had to go through with his fathers death and the death of the employee he was close to.


I understand you wanting to stay because he was there for you when you needed him and now you want to be there for him also but there is only so much you can do to help if he doesn't want to help himself. Nevertheless he may come to his senses but is that a chance you are ready to take? Without help and a drug program he may never get the help that he so desperately need to be the man he once was when he loved you and help you raise your children. Maybe if you go to counseling and talk to someone about what your going through he will see that you are getting help and may ask or decide to go with you the counselor can also help you make a game plan in which to fight this addiction and find some coping mechanisms also.

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