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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I have a problem with my marriage. I found out a little over

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I have a problem with my marriage. I found out a little over a month ago that my wife had been talking to another man for 2 months before that. I work on the road alot and have trusted her completely for quite a while. She says she has told me everything and I want to believe her and most of the time I do. The problem is that other people including her mother (which is quite a crazy woman) has said that she did mess around more than she is letting on. In fact her crazy mother says she slept with more than one person and it has been going on throughout our marriage. I had my problems with trust early on but managed to find trust but know I find it hard to go back to were I was. I flip flop almost daily and am affriad I am lossing it. I don't know how to stop asking questions and every time I do she gets very upset and says she is tired of saying the same stuff over and over. Anyhow, if you have any insight on this please let me know. Something has to be done. Thanks!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Trust is such a hard thing..........the reality is without it your marriage can not grow solid. And gaining it is almost impossible when one person continues to break it. I assume you have forgiven your wife for what you do know correct? Now we need to get to a stage in the relationship where everything is behind you.

 

Let me ask you a couple of questions here.

 

Are you prepared to forgive her if she has indeed cheated before? (Even numerous times)

 

Are you willing to try and work it out if she has?

 

How long have you been married?

 

Are there any children?

 

Any other issues in the marriage?

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Yes, I have forgiven her for the things she has told me she has done. Talking on the phone for hours, texting all day, and hiding the fact taht she had done it. I know that what she has done is bad but most definatly forgiven. If she has cheated I also will forgive her because she means everthing to me. I just do not want to have things hiden from me even if they are to spare my feelings. I believe the only way to move forward is to leave nothing unsaid or hidden. Working it out is of the upmost inportants to me. Living in a lie is not. We have been married for 6 years and together for a little over 7. We have two children one 6 and one 14 months. The only other issue in our marriage is that her father died a little over a year ago and he was the world to her. she says she was lost and was trying to find herself. My problem with that is I think she should have came to me instead of talking to another man for two months (who was an ex-boyfriend in high school).

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

You have every right to expect honesty out of the women you have chosen to spend your life with. And if she can not give that to you eventually you will begin to resent her which is never a good thing.

 

It is good that you have the heart to forgive her, just keep your eyes open and your intentions clear going forward. The biggest problem is trust of course, you feel she is hiding something and she feels you do not trust her. While love may be enough to keep people together it is trust that builds a relationship up and keeps it strong.

 

You are going to have to have a sit down with her. Basically find someone to keep the kids over night and let her know that this is the time to talk. Ask her to please listen to you without speaking so you can say what you need to say. Let her know how you feel about her and about what has happened. Explain to her that you want to move forward and leave what has happened in the past. But in order for that to happen you must first be honest with each other about everything and spend the evening working on why it happened and how to prevent it in the future. If you already know you plan on forgoing her then let her know. Explain to her that while you plan to forgive her regardless of what she has done........she must give you her trust and tell you the truth. Explain to her that as long as you feel she is lying to you that you can not trust her and this is a very big issue for you. Let her know that regardless of what she has done you need to know the truth so you can move on.

 

Now comes the trusting part............because this is about more then just her. If she tells you nothing happened, then you must trust her. I know it will not be easy, and at the end of the day it will be hard to believe. But the fact is you must trust her........if at a later date you find out the truth then you have a reason to be angry, but at this point unless you can prove it or she fesses up you may never know. Holding onto that distrust is going to hinder your relationship far more then anything else.

 

In the end we will hope that she will be honest about what she has done, try to remain calm and get the information you need. Talk about what happened and why it happened. If she says she does not want to go over the details explain to her that you need to. Let her know that since you are being strong enough to forgive her she must be strong enough to tell you everything so you both can work on it. Spend the evening on the subject and get what ever needs to be out into the open. If you have made mistakes then this is the time to be honest as well. Not only will it remove any stress you have about it it will also show her that you are serious.

 

In the meantime I would also not talking about it until you sit down with her. Let it go for now.......otherwise she is going to continue to feel like she is under pressure. As for the "crazy mother" I would suggest explaining to her that you are working on it and in the future unless she has some proof you do not want to discuss it. This prevents wild story's and covers you in case there is something going on.

 

Since you have children this needs to be dealt with, the fact is the kids deserve both mom and dad to be able to communicate when there is a problem and deal with those issues without it causing harm to the family unit itself. Your children are young.....but they can sense the stress going on between you and mom and the last thing you need is for them to become hurt by all of this.

 

The sad reality is infidelity is a hard thing to get over, I would suggest that you set up a marriage counseling session as well. These are very helpful to every marriage. The counselor is not going to pick sides or even tell you what to do. The counselor will help you both learn to communicate better and learn to trust each other.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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