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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18987
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Can you clarify for me when a loved one says it time to grow

Customer Question

Can you clarify for me when a loved one says it time to grow for the both of us.?
And I haven't heard from them in 3 months. Do you think there is ever a chance we will get back together. Her and I where together on and off for 6 years. She would keep coming back to me. I feel very strong love for her. I can't get her out of my mind it's like there is a strong soul mate connection with her. She has cheated on me before. So over the years I have asked her to help me with my insecurities about her cheating on me. Example: I've asked her to answer and or return my calls. Because when she cheated on me before she wouldn't answer or return my calls. So I felt maybe she was cheating on me again sense she wouldn't answer or return my calls. When I would bring it up all she could say is your the victim your the victim. And all she could say was that she made a mistake. But she would never try to convince me she wasn't cheating on me anymore. It was just so hard for me not to feel needy and feel insecure when there was no effort on her end. And sense the break she still continues to see my mom and dad. Which makes it very hard for me. Do you think she's seeing my parents to keep the ties open between us? Do you think she was cheating on me? Do you think she left me because she was seeing someone else?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

It's strange that she would want to continue to see your mom and dad, after you broke up, but maybe she feels they fill a void in her life that she doesn't get or hadn't gotten from her own parents. There's always a chance she feels this is a way to keep the ties open between you, but I would not count on that as a solid reason that she might come back to you, so don't think this way and then be disappointed.

When she said it was 'time to grow' for both of you, it was her way of saying that you were going in different directions and she wanted to end the relationship.

If she cheated on you once, and admitted it was a mistake, but wouldn't reassure you or try to convince you she wasn't cheating anymore, it's possible that she cheated on you again; unless you know something for sure, you can't assume because she didn't return your phone calls that she was cheating at that time; however, if it fits a previous pattern, it would lean more toward yes than no, that she cheated.

I understand how devastated you are about the breakup, but in order to keep your sanity and keep yourself happy, it's time for you to move on and remember the good times in your relationship, but accept that it's now ended. It's most likely that she did leave you because she was seeing someone else.

Try to put yourself out there when you feel ready, to meet new people and date again; start slowly and proceed with caution, since you've already been hurt, so you wouldn't want to jump into a new relationship, prematurely.

It will take time for you to get over her, but if it's meant to be, it will happen; just don't be so hard on yourself because you did nothing wrong.

I hope all goes well for you!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
There is one thing that I didn't tell you. Through out the relationship she would tell me that she wants to be lovers. So when I would tell her we can do things when she wants to and make love when she wants to she then would be responsive. So I would try it then get emotionally attached again and want to see her more often. As it was we where only seeing each other once a week. I really think all I would have to do is call her and tell her that again and we would be back together. If I love her so much do you think I should do it her way and see what happens down the road. Do you think I should call her.

PS. I have added and additional $15 to my account for your response. How do I pay you the additional amount.

Thanks
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,

If you feel that there is a chance she will come back to you if you call her and tell her that you would like to be lovers again, you have nothing to lose, if you're not currently seeing each other or speaking for the past 3 months. If you feel calling her might have a positive outcome for you, then you can take that chance and call. Just be prepared for her to say that she doesn't want to see you again, so you're not hurt all over again and feel rejected. If you take the chance on calling her, remember that it might turn out well for you, but there's a 50/50 chance that it might not turn out well, so consider and weigh your options, before taking that step.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18987
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Another thing I wanted to tell you about her. One night she asked me a weird question. The question was, If I was still married to my ex husband would you still be my lover. I told her no because I have morals & values and that I couldn't do that to the other person. What do you think about that question and what do you think it meant?

I added another $12 to your response.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information. Also, thank you for telling me that you added funds to your account for my response. I think you have to click 'bonus' when you accept the answer, for that to get to me, but I will ask for help from a Moderator regarding that, after I send you my answer. I appreciate it!

I think that question was a 'test' for you, to see if you truly cared for her and if you were a moral person, and I think your answer was perfect. She could not have expected you to be her lover if she was still married, knowing how you feel about that. You're an upstanding person!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18987
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Cher

Thank you for your response. And thank you for telling me I am upstanding person.
I have decided even with the little information you know about my relationship. I have decided to not call her. Even though I want to so bad. I love her so much! But your right if it's meant to be then it will. I was talking to some yesterdays and he said that just like him us nice guys finish last. I guess I shouldn't be so nice anymore. I have gotten walked on by women all my life. You being a women what do you think?

Thanks again for your answers.

Ty
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Ty, and you're most welcome! Thanks for your reply and your accept.

From a woman's point of view, I don't think you should abandon your 'true' self and not be nice anymore, because nice, thoughtful men are hard to find; however, yes, there is a big difference between being nice and being 'used' or used as a doormat for women to walk all over. Many women are like that. It's a form of selfishness and being narcissistic; they think the world revolves around THEM and no one else's feelings matter. I don't think this is how your girlfriend is/was, or being the type of man you are, you would not have stayed with her for so long, and would not have loved her.

Sometimes, it does seem as if nice guys finish last, because they are caring and sensitive to the woman's feelings; sometimes, that leaves the opportunity open, to get hurt, but I say, if you don't act like yourself, you're only fooling yourself and the woman you're with, AND, that's not a good way to relate to each other successfully and have a truly honest relationship. From my personal point of view, I don't like a man to be a 'yes' man, and just go along with everything I say or want; the relationship needs a 'spark', and if someone is always agreeing with you, there's no fun or challenge in the relationship. They say opposites attract, and I do subscribe to that theory because it keeps things interesting, however, of course the couple must also have many things in common, or else they wouldn't be together. I like a man to be himself, kind, compassionate and yes, to be mindful of my feelings/needs, but remain a man, and not a doormat to be stepped upon.

If you feel you have been walked on by women all your life, you can change that by voicing your feelings/opinions, being a little 'stronger' in your relationships, but don't ever stop being a 'nice guy'. Believe me, more women do like and appreciate nice guys.

If you've decided not to call her, go with your decision and try to move on. She may reappear in your life some day, but for the moment, you have to do what feels best for YOU, and I think you're making a wise decision.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks again Cher. You have been very helpful. I would like to talk to you again sometime when I need some answers about good things going on in my relationships and not bad things. Wish us both happiness and prosperity.

Take Care,

Ty
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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