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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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my girlfriend and i have been seperated for a year with taking

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my girlfriend and i have been seperated for a year with taking turns visiting but she is so insecure and we keep finding ourselves in pointless arguements. what can i do to help our relationship and help her feel at ease?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been dating?

 

-What is she insecure about?

 

-What type of relationship does she have with her family?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am 23 and she is 33. We have been dating a little more than a year and she is always scared that I am going to leave her for someone else or that I dont love her. She has a good relationship with her mom but not her dad. She doesnt talk to her dad. We are in a long distance relationship and wont be living together for about another year. No matter what I tell her she thinks that I am lying to her. Shes always scared that I am going to leave her. We seem to fight constantly lately and its like she wont listen to anything I have to say or the way that I feel. I am trying to save our relationship but I dont know how to get through to her that Im not going anywhere.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I don't think she can help her insecurity and I think it stems from her not having a relationship with her father and now it's made her feel like every man is going to leave her or not love her the way she feels her father should have. She is going to have to seek counseling for her issues or she will destroy every relationship she is in with the fear that she isn't good enough or they will leave her. She is going to have to learn to love herself and know her self worth before she can realize that she deserves to be happy. She may have grown up thinking "What is wrong me that my father didn't love me enough to be in my life?" or "What didn't I do to keep him here?" Many children blame themselves for their parents hangups and that is what you girlfriend has done. All you can do is be there for her and support her in whatever it is going to take for her to know that she deserve to be happy and loved.

 

What you can do is sit her down and ask her about her father and tell her that it wasn't her fault that he left. She needs to hear from someone that she isn't the reason her father left and wasn't in her life and that her father had hangups and not her. She doesn't realize that she was an innocent child and her father was being selfish to leave her like that. it's going to be hard for her to learn to love herself and know that she should be loved and counseling can help her to do that. I don't think you could do anything to prove to her that you aren't going anywhere because she has it in her head that all men leave and someone will have to teach her that it just isn't the case.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well first of all we are both girls... second of all she wont talk about her past so im kind of stuck on what to do. ive suggested we go talk to someone but she doesnt want to
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Valenttinebabe1,

 

Thank you for clearing that up that you are both female, either way she is afraid of being left alone and probably feels that talking to someone about her past is only rehatching the past which she probably doesn't want to do. She seems confused and thinking negatively and that is something she is going to have to work on, but what you have to do is prove to her that you are in it for the long haul through your actions you can say you aren't going to leave until you are blue in the face but if she doesn't believe that then you are going to have to constantly prove to her that you are not going anywhere are you willing to do that? Insecurity can cause detachment, it can make her act insecure even if you've done nothing wrong. It is important that you feel secure remember that other attention proves how you desire and love your girlfriend. If you keep the lines of communication open with your girlfriend then you will help her get over that insecurity. Let her know how you feel when she does trust that you are here for her and love her.

Keep reassuring her, tell her you love her and that you understand how she feels. Let her know that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to you.

 

Too many relationships are ruined because of insecurities and, not enough trust. There are people who actually love with their whole heart and, their entire being honestly and when their mate does not see that they are often hurt, this sounds like your scenario. You are the one who loves, trusts and, may even forgive her for feeling that way or doubting your love. You love the whole idea of love and, being in love therefore, trying your best to make things work. Sometimes, being unable to trust someone can come from past relationships or other happenings. But, it can also come purely from her own issues. Only she can work those issues out and she will not be able to do that until she is willing to talk to others or even you about her past hurts and issues. Patience is a virtue and hopefully sooner or later she will talk to you about why she is so insecure about your relationship but you have to do it on her terms.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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