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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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im dating a 45yo man. im 44 yo widow (2 yrs). he was married

Customer Question

i'm dating a 45yo man. i'm 44 yo widow (2 yrs). he was married once 19 to 21 y.o. & 2 longterm relationships and lots of dates. will he be able to commit? or am i wasting my time?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How long have you been dating?

 

-Do either of you have children?

 

-Has he ever told he he wanted a committed relationship?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i am so sorry, this will be long and crazy. but i am so obsessive sometimes and have noone to talk to that may be objective.

thank you.

dating 14 months

i have 23y.o daughter (daddys girl), 2 grand-daughters from her. married, happy, good husband. also 21 y.o. daughter. college in utah. a 17y.o son at home in high school - one yr left. mostly has his own life. good kid. good goals.

HIM: 25 yo son from young marriage. he's had sole custody since divorce but his son lived w/his parents to go to school in a better system (20 min away). and a 17y.o daughter from a 6yr relationship.

He has obviously tried to have long-term relationships in the past. when they went bad he couldnt let go though, he just became absent and floated along.

He has been 'looking' but unable to find that 'one' woman apparently, and has never asked anyone to marry him in his life.

he is an honest man, brutaly. he is unorganized with his stuff. has a lot of toys. when i say unorganized, i mean really...and he knows it 100% but is always able to find what he needs.

i appreciate more than anything that he doesn't fake who he is. that he has worked very hard his whole life. genius w/electrical, mechanical, hydraulics - thats his work.

his toys come from great bargaining and fixing other ppls broken stuff - & now its nice stuff and works well. like, not the lates fashion but functional and just as warm/soft/comfy?

problems: 1 - he is late all the time b/c he gets wrapped up in dawdling at his house (manages a 3story bldg for his family) all his 'stuff' from his whole life is in there. his family lived there since he was born.
2 - he will not argue. well, this can be good because he cares enuf not to say anything he might regret. he is adament about this. he says not to worry, because i know what i need to know, then he reminds me, i say what i need to, he answers me and its okay in the end. just not what society is used to -- hashing is all out right then and there. so, this can be good too, not to say anything just mean but cool off first. i don't know???
3 - because he is so bad at organizing i'm afraid it will take him forever to get out of the house. i don't bug him or question him. others have questioned and bugged him and he becomes defensive. but, on his own initiative, he has completely cleaned the basement out of 50 years of family crap, and he has contractors lined up for repairs so he can sell the bldg.
4. we are only together 1 night a week (sleeping in same bed) even after 14 months. we live 30 min apart. he comes over or we meet ~3 nights during the week.

good things: it has been love and absolute chemistry since minute one. so, i don't want this to cloud my judgement. 1 - he did ask me to marry him & not too early (~13 months dating). he has made arrangements to go with a friend to the 'diamond district' in NYC for us to look for a ring. we have looked around here (he is initiating all of this, i would never push him because i am constantly worried that it needs to be of his initiative). and he is making moves towards getting out of that house. 2 - sex. he is definately willing to do it all, talk about it all, try it all. stating that it is his responsibility to take care of me. he is very healthy in this arena. in the beginning there were testy times with adjusting issues, but is very strong now and better than ever. he calls me babydoll and he has never called any woman by any pet name. it was awkward when he started, but i'm southern and i call him baby all the time. he just started like 4 months ago, and now gets into it pretty nice and sappy, he really likes it and comes up with it on his own.

my kids are worried that he won't be able to commit.
he is a mess, our spoken vision is that we will get our own small house & build a large garage/warehouse for all our stuff - and that it will be organized. he doesn't think it will be so organized, but that it will all have a place.
he knows his limits. and follows through on his word. helps his parents out. but very singleminded and selfish with time and stuff - everything is OURS. even our TIME, he is very selfish w/our time. he won't be held to a time on pretty much anything, just a general time. and he never has a plan really, i just patiently wait when we go places to see where we end up, or we do what i want. i have adjusted to this and kinda like it. he's not boring.

we play guitar together, scuba dive, boat, ski, motorcycle, hike, camp, veg-out, same movies, music, style. i am happy with what we have, but...

... alas we do not live together...and will we ever? i am lonely. i do not want to attach to his hip, but be able to go to bed and wake with him...and look around the corner (when we are both busy) and say, "yeah, thats my baby".
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Please give me time to read your reply and also type my answer I'm truly sorry if it takes too long but I want to give you the best answer to your question. Thank you in advance for your patience.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
no, please don't apologize. i started out by saying that this would be long and crazy. i am appreciative of your time. -- thank YOU.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Judging by everything you had said it seems like he is already committing to you, he has asked you to marry him and is taking steps to be free of the family house whereas he didn't do that before, it's just going to take some time to get everything in order and it's good that he is taking the imitative to make these huge steps that he may not have ever considered before. It seems you are allowing him to do it on his own time and when he feels he is ready which is a very good thing he will be more willing to make those major decisions on his own. I think once the two of you are living together in one house you will even each other out where he is unorganized and you are more organized it will even itself out. You are going to have to communicate your worries to him, he won't know it bothers you unless you tell him. In time you will have everything you want, it's just the here and now that bothers you the most. I think he is ready to settle down and be a married man and the fact he decided that on his own should put you at ease that you didn't have to beg him to want to marry you he figured that out on his own.

 

You complaints about your boyfriend seems to be mild so I don't think the two of you have anything to worry about because you compliment each other. Make plans to see each other more and don't expect too much from him because you do not want to overwhelm him since he has enough on his plate trying to get his family home ready to sell. Give it some time and things will definitely fall into place. You just have to be willing to tell him how you feel about things but yes he is ready to commit to you and yes eventually you will live together as one but it's just going to take a little bit of time. Of course your children are going to worry about you because they don't want you to get hurt but they will see how much you love him and he loves you and they will come around to appreciate your love for each other and feel more at ease. Now that he has told you that he wants to marry you don't rush him to set a date and get a ring, allow him to do it on his own since he has made the other major decisions in the relationship he will be able to do the rest make it a team effort and you will always have a healthy and loving relationship.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
first let me say thank you.

but, what about time? i know that eventually it might happen, what if it doesnt? rather, when is too long, too long to wait? intentions r great, as his r. what if his initiative stops? he has a tendency to not finish things he starts...thats my concern too. i don't want to have to say something to prompt him to get things going with us. usually his initiative bursts follow something i say or when i miss him or want more time with him.

do you think it will be that i am his reminder to stay on task? and that is ok? i mean, his intentions are his ideas; i don't put words in his mouth. he can start out strong and let things lay for months before he gets back to them...being sidetracked by other things. maybe you are right, that i am more organized and will help him with that. i just don't want to be or feel like his mother. is there a good thing to say when i am feeling like his mother?

i have to say that he admits he is not good at this, so i am the one supposed to remember the comfort stuff and he is the one that gets all the technical stuff ready b4 we go anywhere.

again, thank you.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You're been dating 14 months so I would give it at least 4 to 6 months more and see if things have progressed on without you mentioning anything. Tell him that his actions frighten you into thinking that things are going to die down. Maybe you should tell him what you want if you do not think he will do it on his own but you don't want to pressure him into anything. Tell him that you have already raised your children and you don't want to feel like you are taking care of another child. These are things you're going to have to work through before making any major decision about the future and marriage. I think you should continue to help him stay on track and remind him of what needs to be done. You have to decide if he is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with and if he will be a help or hindrance. I really think that the two of you will even each other out there are many women who don't know what they are getting when they get married but the good thing about your boyfriend is you know exactly what you are getting and he doesn't try to be someone he isn't.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok. it all sounds reasonable, where i believe i am with him. i do want to spend the rest of my life w/him, it is huge that i know what i've got. and i love that most of all. thanks for the suggestion on the timeframes. i am having the time of my life, but don't want to get wrapped up in the here and now and not have anything concrete, longterm; i.m not 20 anymore. i will wait another 4 to 6 months and see what he does without saying anything. i am patient enough. then, even as wonderful as he is and we are i will even wait longer. just so you know kinda what i was thinking, i prob wouldnt wait longer than another year to see REAL concrete progress. i have a lot of cleaning up to do too. we want to move on fresh and new with just us in our own place. i can do it, we will se if he can.

thank you so much. great acknowledgement.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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KimberlyF
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