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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have been in a three year relationship with someone who is

Customer Question

I have been in a three year relationship with someone who is 18 years older than me, and we are very much in love eccept one thing. His 25 year old daugter wont except me and has never came around me to give me a chance to get to know the real me. The rest of his family loves me and excepted me from the very start. Her Dad and I dont understand why! She is moving away to a different state and it really hurts me that she never gave me chance. I have decided to write her a letter before she leaves in two weeks, but Im having a hard time finding the right words to open up to her and let her know how I feel about this situation. All I want is to have some sort of lelationship and uderstanding between us because that is the hardest part about my relationship with her Dad and I, and that she wont axcept us together. please help me to do the right thing and find the right words before our chance is up, because I love her Dad would love for her to just give me a chnce.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. Could you clear up a few things before I give you my answer:

 

-What type of relationship did her father and mother have?

-Do you think she may want her father and mother back together?


Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Her Mom and dad seperated when she was about 4. Her mother started using drugs and has not been a part of her life and she understands that.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Are you still here?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You should really start the letter by telling his daughter how you wish the two of you could have gotten along and the things you could have done together and then make a list of fun things you could have done together. Then go into how you are sorry that her mother could not be there for her but her mother has a sickness and it's not that she doesn't love her any less she just doesn't know how to do that right now. Tell her you are not trying to replace her mother because you could never do that you just wanted a friendly relationship with her and mutual respect. It may be that she feels that you are trying to be her parent and if you reassure her that isn't the case she may be able to come around and at least accept you as a friend. It's going to take some time she may still have hurt feelings about her mother not being in her life and she is pointing that anger at you because she has no one else to do that to. Try to be understand of everything she has gone through in her life.

 

She could also be threatened by your relationship with her father as if you are going to take him from her and maybe you should let her know that you aren't trying to do that either. She seems to be having some issues with insecurity like your going to take her father from her, you are going to have to show her that you can all co-exist in this relationship. Then go into how not forming a bond with her has hurt you and your relationship with her father if she wants her father to truly be happy then she will come around with some patience and time.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
This situation is different. Her Dad remarried when she was 9. And they divorced almost 4 years ago. She actually does not want anything to do with her boilogical Mother and knows that she is messed up. Her stepmother however has hated me since day one and said a lot of nasty untrue things about her Dad and I, like for example that we had an affair, which is so not true. Her Dad and ex-wife had a bad marriage and he was treated horible by her, and his daugter also knows that and seen it for years and was actually happy for dad when he finally left her. But when I came into the picture she was very unsupportive of us, but yet was there for her her ex-step mom even though she did not like her and the way she treated her Dad. By the way im 28 and she is almost 27, which did bother her as another reason, but its allready been over 3 years now and her Dad told her he is finally happy for the first time in his life, but she wont excep that. I just dont enderstand why she cant get over it and realize that we are very much in love and happy. So why cant she be happy for us and except us? I have no hard feelings for her and she knows that. Her family has tried to talk to her but she wont even listen.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Then you need to explain your side of the story and tell her that her stepmother said alot of untrue things about you and you wanted to tell you side in hopes that it may change her perception of you. The last part of your reply to me should be exactly what you write to her in your letter to her. Tell her how much you love and respect her father and his feelings and that is why you are writing to her because this is hurting her father very much not to have her blessing for your relationship. Tell her, "its already been over 3 years now and her Dad is finally happy for the first time in his life. I just don't understand why she cant get over it and realize that we are very much in love and happy. So why cant she be happy for us and except us?" When a child sees their parent getting treated badly first by her biological mother and then the step mother they tend to become very protective of them and doesn't want anyone else to hurt them and compound that with the fact that you are the same age as her she may think you are with her father for the wrong reasons. She may be afraid that eventually you will grow tired of her father as he gets older and break his heart like I said before it's going to take time even though it's been three years and if she doesn't come around eventually you may have to let her live her life and you do the same with your life.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Do you think that writing her a letter is a right thing to do in this situation? What do you think her response will be like because I have been thruogh so much pain and rejection that I dont know if I can handle another rejection. I want to approach her to where she is comfortable and she that this is coming from my heart and not just trying to kiss her butt, because I'm not like that. This is a huge step for me and I want to make sure that I'am using the best approach with the right words without pushing her futher away but bringing her and I to the right start, and I want her to know that and see that.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Yes a heart felt letter may be in order right now. I think you should both write a letter and in the letter ask her if the two of you could go to lunch to talk about things or just to have lunch. Just ask her if there is a chance that the two of you can at least become friends or be cordial for the sake of her father and that you truly do love him.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you I will sit down and pour my heart out by writing a letter.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You're welcome and I hope it turns out the way you want it to. Good luck to you!

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