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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18986
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Im engaged to a great man that Ive been dating for 10 months.

Resolved Question:

I'm engaged to a great man that I've been dating for 10 months. He's a great step father and a 100 percent supportive of me. Though I'm so cruel to him and I don't know how to change. He cooks and clean and spoil me rotten and love me so much. But it hurts me that I do nothing to repay the love. I even ask him why don't he leave me and he tells me he love me. My question is why am I so cruel, inconsiderate and ungrateful of such a good man? I never say anything nice, and I say hurtful things out of no where. We have had small problems but nothing to hurt us. The bedroom isn't what I wish for but I'm hoping it gets better, my kids adore and worship him. And I'm so scared I'm going to push him away.Why could I be so COLD?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

It would help me to know more about your situation.

What are your ages?

How old are your children?

How did you first meet and what first attracted you to him?

Have you always treated him this way, or is it more recent?

What kind of hurtful things do you say to him?

Thanks for all your additional detail,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He is 29 and I'm 23, my sons are 6 and 4. We met at a depressing lonely point in my life at a night club, and we just hit it off. To be honest I was single for a while and bitter from my ex departure. He left me and our sons and married.But i'm completly over him and that situation. After a few phone conversations I loved just the heart touching things he said and how open he was just a total take charge manly man, so outgoing and Spontaneous. Since the beginging i've question why he care for me so much, he is so sweet, and considerate and full of love. But i'm not open like he is. and for the last week i've been so hurt and pushing him away and i don't know why. I say things like "why don't you leave for a while" 'I don't want to see at all this week' "I can't stand you" or I just completly shut off and give him the silent treatment when i'm in a bad mood.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your reply with helpful additional information.

He sounds like a wonderful man to you and your sons, so don't let him get away! : )

I think the reason you're doing this to him is due to misplaced or misdirected anger towards your ex; even though you say you're over him and that entire situation, he did hurt you deeply and did something very wrong, to both you and your sons. Even though this man you're now engaged to treats you like a queen, does work around the house and is a wonderful stepdad, I think you're feeling, this is too good to be true; it might end any minute; I was already hurt once before and want to 'head it off', so if I'm mean to him, maybe he'll leave, and then I'll avoid the hurt; I'LL be the one doing the hurting....that's what I think may be happening with you, at this time. Also, taking the next step in your relationship with this man, becoming engaged, may be a little frightening to you, as it's now more 'serious'. Even though you love each other, even though you really WANT to be with him and have him in your life, I think you're becoming a little scared, and that's understandable, it's a big step.

I'm giving you my opinion of why I believe you're acting as you are, from the information you have given me. If you feel that perhaps you DON'T want to marry him, or feel you might not want to make that commitment to be engaged right now, that's okay; you can still be together and you don't have to be engaged or get married, until you're ready and very sure. If you feel this might be the correct source of your actions, talk to him about it. Mutual respect, honesty, and open communication are the keys to a successful relationship, so share you thoughts with him, and maybe you'll feel better.

You're allowed to be in a bad mood, but if he wasn't the cause of your bad mood, think before you speak, and take a 'time out' for yourself to get out of your bad mood, and be happy again. It's also not good for the children to hear you talking to him as you describe, so I hope you only say these things when they are not in the room. Try to be nicer to him, thinking of all the happiness he has brought to you and your sons, and as I said, 'thinking before you speak' is something you should practice. Don't just say the first thing that comes to your mind; count to 10, think about it again, and ask yourself: do I really want to say this to him? Do I mean these words? or am I just in a bad mood, and I'm taking it out on him?

Force yourself to treat him more kindly, and stop yourself before being mean, and I think this will help.

I wish you much good luck, and hope everything goes well for you and your family.

Please let me know if you would like to discuss this further and I'd be happy to hear your thoughts.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Its easier said then done for me, i try so hard to be a good woman when all i want to do is just leave to end his and my misery. Even when i talk myself into a better mood, right away something happens to sour it. And i promise you I hurt every day all day emotional wrestling with my situation. Sometimes I feel I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life and my kids will be my happiness. I'm scared to death of loosing him though at times I feel it's best. However everyday of our lives is not this sad we're usually happy and get along. But when the mood is bad it's bad. I'm so stubborn we go days on end without talking until i want too. Do you think we can get through this are should we go our seperate ways?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

If he's so wonderful to you, why do you think you'd be better off alone with your kids, for the rest of your life? Why are you considering separating from him, if he's willing to do everything to make you happy?

Does he complain about how you are treating him? You seemed to make it sound like he just continues to do what he does around the house and with the kids, etc., even when you treat him badly. If you go days on end not speaking to him, does he try to get you out of your bad mood by joking around, trying to be romantic, and/or taking you out or making you a nice meal?

From your description of how you feel and how you're on an emotional roller coaster with yourself and him, it's possible that you are suffering from depression and/or a mood disorder. It would be a good idea for you to see your doctor and explain this to him/her and if a referral is needed to a doctor who treats depression and related conditions, you will then see the other doctor. You might need to take medication to help your moods even out and then you will not treat him as badly and be happier with yourself and with him, more often. It's worth a try, and also, yes, I do think you can get through this and you owe it to yourself and your kids, to try to keep this man in your lives. From what you've described, I think he may be the best thing that ever happened to you! But, of course, it all comes down to YOUR happiness, and if you feel you are not happy in this relationship, then you'll have to do what you think is best for you and your sons.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18986
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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