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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been dating someone on and off for over four years.

Customer Question

I have been dating someone on and off for over four years. both of us tried marriage to someone else during one break up. both ended strictly because he and i just cannot be happy with anyone else. his children are in college, my two are 16 & 5 living solely with me. he and i am "homebodies" live 10 miles apart and never go out on dates. he suffers from depression during winter/holidays. those months are hell for me. i barely ave seeing him once a week unless we see each other at church. he says he wants us to get married, and i really believe him, he a factual analitical guy and not prone to lying. he is a workaholic. and believes he should be completely out of debt and "over" depression but i do not see evidence that he is doing anything about either. i am lonely, and that says alot since i like being by myself with my kids. i do not know if i will live long enough to i have been waiting and waiting until i wonder if i am wasting my time and his. i need to fix something but what?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

What are your ages?

How can he justify wanting to get married if you barely see him once a week?

Why do you say he's not doing anything to get over either?

How did the two of you meet?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
im 47 he is 49. hello to you. we have know each other for 20 years. he was married to my best friend back in our early 20's . they divorce years ago and he had their kids. they started seeing each other and 5 yrs ago she committed suicide. (no surprise) i started taking her(their) kids on outings with mine just after her death(promise to her and what the kids needed) during that year he and i became attached and it went from there. We lived together about 6 months but I never felt good about it (God). plus his daughter (attitude) started running over me and he didnt back me soo her friends did the same and it just went downhill. i left and 6months later he married old girlfriend, 4 months later they annulled and 2 months later we started over. we usually break up during the winter months. but once they pass, he and i see each other all of the time talk constantly and things go great until the holidays. .. on other question. his brother gave him 20000.00 for kids college..gift only but kenny feels he has to pay it back...that is the debt he "has" to pay off. then 2 months ago his car was totalled and he bought a new truck so add another 19,000.00. he thinks he has to be like his dad who raised 5 kids eons ago while mom stayed home.. hello 2009 i work/i will always want to work until i get put out to pasture and I am not his mom/he is not his dad. but, those two things put the brakes on for him. I love him, but, it is hard to have "relations" unmarried and walk into church the next day. But, everytime I pray..I just get.. treat him with loving kindness. take the last two weeks , he is working day and night on a test, and he really is, that is repetative and give him massive headache. so guess what. i do not get phone calls nothing but a voice mail asking me to not worry about him, we are fine and his head is killing him. this is at 9 pm and he was just getting off of work.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello to you too Lady :)

Do you think he's seeing anyone else?

So at this point his thoughts about getting married are predicated on getting out of debt and overcoming his depression?

What kind of work does he do? What are the tests for?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have no doubt that he is faithful, no others for either of us. you are correct on his position. He works for a ballastic testing company. He has been there from beginning so he does Everything. workaholic, so NO is not a word he says concerning work. No kids at home so he brings work home eats, works goes to bed. The only time i can remember him doing different was when we lived together. He was "normal". Came home, did the guy things, good to me (other than that not backing me). Really smart guy, but it took a year before he realized that his not standing up for me/supporting my decisions, gave the kids the green light to "making life hell" for me. This is actually the first year we didnt break up during his blues. but only because I have just kept my mouth shut and stopped expecting anything from him. Doesnt sound healthy does it?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
No, it doesn't...and it's not. Somehow I think you know this already. He's putting up walls, and I'm not sure if it's walls to you or the world in general....either way, you suffer. It's encouraging that you didn't break up this time, but not promising as he seems well entrenched in his behaviors and attitudes. He's getting older and becoming more set in his ways, if he can't formulate some type of change soon there may be no going back.

The fact is, how long do you anticipate that it will take him to get out of debt. If he doesn't go to therapy for his depression, how long do you think it will take him to self heal? Can you wait that long? You're not getting any younger either and it seems things are at a standstill and only moving forward on his terms. That's so unfair....if he's not going to commit then the cerebral and emotional time you spend on him (thinking, worrying, wondering) could be far better spent on your kids and yourself.

It's rough, when you know in your heart that the undeniable connection is there, but he can't seem to see it, almost denies it even. I do think that he should see a therapist, but it doesn't sound like he would consent. Everything he does, from his overworking, overtesting, feeling the need to payback money that wasn't meant to be paid back, being able to go for long periods without seeing you, yet still feeling the need to explain himself...it sounds like he may be depressed.

Have you asked how he was able to marry his old girlfriend without paying back his debts? Or what he would do if you decided to move on? Perhaps pushing him a little, or moving away from him a little would rouse him enough to see that he might lose what he cares about. Even if you don't say anything to him, but just start being less available (I know you don't see him much as it is) and more busy with your own things and life.....that if he starts feeling you pull away, it may get a reaction out of him. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
update. I got an IM message from Kenny stating that he was almost finished with work assignment and that he missed me, loved me etc. but that is what always happens when I isolates and starts coming back "alive". But, after two weeks of being totally ignore, and i suspect the keep my mouth shut was a form of "inabliling" , I told him that I was sorry but I was jealous of his co workers wifes because they at least saw their husbands everyday and i was sitting home everyday not seeing my man. that i was lonely, saddened and that i wanted to be happy with him but no matter, i just wanted to be happy. And that I was doing everything in my power to make sure of that. His answer? Fine, go and find you someone that will give you that. so, i left him voice mail saying that i am sorry for things ending this way after 4 years but that God doesnt intend for us to be alone, that he and I were both made to be with someone and that I loved him but I didnt seem to have something he needed. I reminded him that when he was dating my best friend he went riding with his buddy and told him he couldnt get her out of his head and needed her in his llife then he did whatever it took and married her. I told him that that was the way it should be and he didnt feel that way about me, I have felt that way about him but he needed to find the person God intends for him to have and someone that will get in his head , he has to have and to go after her and make a family with her. .. so its over. My problem, I have tried so many times to get "over" him. I do not know how to end being in love with him. I want so much to be happy, but for 4 years he has been it. dont know what it is about him but I love that man. I just dont want him if he doesnt feel as much for me. Where does that leave me. I spent hours raking my yard, telling myself..Lisa you deserve so much more ..get over him.. I have 5 acres so maybe by the time i finish raking all of it I will be better
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hi, As hard as it may be right now, think about the many people who are dealing with someone who won't be honest with them. As hurtful as it is and hard to understand, at least he came out and said it. It's possible he may just be reacting, he may just be scared, but you can't think about that, you have to take what he has said at face value right now, as that's the only way to get any levity for yourself right now. Raking is good, but it won't last, you're going to have to sit down and assess what it is Lisa needs to fulfill her. There's a reason why you focused on him and stayed as long as you did, there's love and then there's questionable, and even you have questioned why you've stayed as long as you have. There's something that you are searching for and maybe you thought it was in him or that he completed that part of you. I promise you that completion only comes within yourself, and that you can find someone out there who can love you like you need to be loved, the way you are supposed to be loved, if you're willing to give it a chance. It's never easy to step of a carousel, but if he wants you he needs to show it, in a big way...no talking his way back in he needs to show that he's serious about you, like you are serious about him, and if he can't then he doesn't deserve you. Period. You've got a lot to offer a good man, you're smart, you're taking care of yourself, you have two beautiful kids who need their mom to be focused, happy and there for them, not distracted by the maybe's of a wishy washy love. Put some time and energy into your life and some things that you want, whether thats taking a class, teaching a class, starting a club or group, learning a new skill, volunteer, do some home improvement jobs, take a trip even if it's for a couple of days. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase (my real name isXXXXX is my nickname :)
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what would you accept as proof he is serious. he has talked his way back convincing me so many times. I cannot accept his words again. Actions, dont know of anything he could do. I do not know. Personally after 4 years, it would probably take him dragging me out of my office(risking making a fool of himself) down to courthouse getting license and straight to judges chamber for marriage..nope cannot see him do that. he has come to my old job and looked horribly miserable and begged me to wait for his annulment and marry him as soon as it was final...i said no that time . he came to my home when i had just agreed to marry my ex and asked me that time also. but even asking me now wouldnt work. because he hasnt followed through. . these long sleepless nights hurting, im too old for this. I keep telling myself that what matters are the people in my home those who choose to come into these 4 walls, wanting to be there period, are who matter, who i need to be there for. today he called himself damn near insane. I know this may sound stupid, but I know his unhappiness is due to that huge empty house he goes home to. 99% of our problems stem from us not being around each other enough. and the only time in four years he was happy and functional we lived together. Lisa, I know he is inlove with me. NOT ONE doubt. He just doesnt like himself, most of that comes from his treatment of me. Why he cannot get past all of that confuses me. but this time he isnt emailing calling leaving messages nothing. I made it very clear I would settle for anything less than what I want. After years of him always having his cake and eating it too, my turn. but i dont see that happening either. I cannot see ever being with anyone again. Not that i couldnt, not because of him. I will not set myself up for this, I pick badly, I put everything in it and lose every time. He was the last one. I now have one huge trust issue, and see no reason to change it. thank you for all of your help. God Bless You, look at my beautiful family . one of kenny and i back 2 months ago. nite
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
After looking at all of the things he's tried, I'm not sure what I would take as a serious attempt or proof of his seriousness. Maybe dragging you out and marrying you would be it. You are very right that what matters most is the people in your house, including YOU momma...You are just as important as anyone else, if not more important. You are what makes your house and life run.

At some point he has to realize that either he loves you and wants to be with you, or he wants to be away from you and doesn't want to be with you 'like that'. It sounds as if he may have real love for you, but he's letting life get in the way and that's sad. Losing out on what can make you happy, losing out on being happy, it's sad. However, you can't let yourself wind up like that, you have enough life and love in you to still take life by the horns and ride it until the wheels fall off (smile).

Things are confusing you because he's not communicating with you. It's not your fault you're confused...how could you not be? All of these mixed signals. How the heck can you know what he wants when he doesn't. You're amazing but you're not magic.

I know you can't see yourself being with someone else....and trust doesn't necessarily have to be a huge issue if you take your time before getting in a relationship (not saying you didn't with him) just in the future, when you meet someone, don't commit yourself to getting involved until you've known them and dated for 6 mos or more. Keep them away from your kids, just date, talk, and be friends. Take your time to get to know the next guy, make sure the two of you are on the same wavelength and take your time. You'd be surprised how this runs off the losers and helps you fins the one you're looking for.

Things may turn around with him, but he has to be the one to initiate it. Give him some serious time away from you and let him live with it for a minute. I'm always here, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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