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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I think I am in love with this girl. She has a boyfriend and

Customer Question

I think I am in love with this girl. She has a boyfriend and tells me that she doesn't love him like she used to. She says that she cannot break up with him because she can't break his heart. She has told me before that it is almost expected of her now to marry this guy (btw, she's 19 and so am I, and her bf is 18 ). She has told me that she would get married to this guy and live with being unhappy for the rest of her life just so she doesn't break his heart. She also tells me that her and I belong together. She is confused and so am I, i don't know what to do. She doesn't care about her own happiness, she only wants to make others happy, which she is obviously in a predicament (as she has told me) because she cares about me so much and wouldn't be able to break my heart. I believe she would be making a big mistake by marrying this guy. But I can't tell her that because I might lose her. I have more info that might help in seeking advice, but I ran out of characters.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question.

How long has this girl been seeing her boyfriend?

Are they officially engaged?

How long do you know her and how often do you see her?

You can finish your question with more information, when you reply, here.

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She has been seeing her boyfriend for about 10 months. They are not officially engaged, she did say that he bought her a promise ring like after about a month into their relationship. I have known her for about a month and we were introduced by a friend of mine, who was this girl's best friend in high school. We have been talking everyday non-stop, we have so much in common that it's like we're twins. She tells me that she misses me a lot, and the thing is, we have never met in person. We have, however, done multiple video chats and seen pictures of each other. She goes to school about 2 1/2 hours away from me, but her boyfriend lives twice as far. I will most likely have a car next semester here at school and i would therefore be able to see her way more often. At home, we live 15 minutes away from each other, so over breaks, there would be no problem with seeing each other at all. She told me today, "I was talking with david (her bf), things are not good between us. I just told him how i felt like i've been forcing this relationship to work, so things are not good." And then a little further into the conversation, she said, "oh boyyyy the crap is really hitting the fan between me and david. He knows how i feel for you. And he knows how much of an issue i have with the fact that i'm so much smarter than him. It's very difficult." She told me that he has 3 learning disorders and ADHD. She is a very smart girl (double major with a minor) and I am a very smart guy (majoring in aerospace engineering). We are both attracted to each other and have talked about what we like about each other multiple times in different ways. She told me that she would marry him just so she wouldn't have to break his heart and that she would live the rest of her life knowing that she was meant to be with me. I know we're young (both 19), but I care about her so much and I want her to be happy, i just think that it would be a huge mistake if she married him. He tried to get into the same school as her and got deferred. He finds out if he gets accepted on March 15th. I get to see this girl on March 14th, and we are spending the whole day together. She said that if he ends up going there, then she thinks they're going to end up getting married.

If I left out anything, if anything is confusing, or if you still need more info, please ask me.

Thank you so much!
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

No, you were very detailed, and I thank you for helping me to understand the entire situation.

While you think you and this girl are made for each other, you'll have to wait until you meet in person, as this will tell a lot more about your compatibility and physical attraction. You don't know her all that long, but I understand that you've been in constant communication and have gotten to know each other well.

If she truly feels this way about her current boyfriend and 'fears' that she will 'have' to marry him, there is something seriously wrong with her relationship with her boyfriend, and with her way of thinking. I understand completely, that she does not want to break his heart, but if she is not happy, nor satisfied with their relationship, no one is standing in front of her forcing her to continue with the relationship, no less, marriage! Marriage is forever, and if she will be miserable and longing for someone else (you!), she should not even consider continuing to see this guy and/or feeling she will 'end up' marrying him.

If he is accepted to her school, yes,things will be hard for them both, if they break up, but they'll handle it. You need to tell her that she has to put herself first, and her true feelings first. Not wanting to hurt someone you care about is a very good attribute, but not at the expense of your own happiness. If she feels she's 'outgrown' her boyfriend and is much more attracted to you and your intellect, she needs to let him down nicely and move on with her life. However, as I mentioned, I do not advise her doing anything or saying anything to her boyfriend until she's met you in person and gets to know you better, especially if you will be able to see her more often, re: the transportation improvement. She can't wait too long, because that would end up making her bf think everything is fine, but especially if she told him about you, and she said he got mad, he must know something is up, and it's her obligation to let him know things are not going well, from her perspective, and she must do what will make her happiest.

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
As I mentioned before, she told me that she was starting to talk to him about her feeling like their relationship is not as strong. Could this be a sign of her lightly letting him down? I guess it might take two weeks to do, if that's the case. Maybe she's just trying to time it for when I get to see her. If they do break up, there's also the great possibility that he would choose to go to a different school because I know he has gotten into other ones.

For now, until I meet her in person, what should I do when she brings up her boyfriend? Like, when she starts talking about problems between them. Just saying, "Ok" doesn't seem like the best response for everything.

Do you have any good suggestions for what we can do during our day together? We already planned on breakfast and lunch, as well as the places already. I know seeing a movie or something similar would be a bad idea because we wouldn't get to talk. What can we do that would build our relationship up significantly in-between breakfast and lunch and after lunch? She said that I could pick whatever I wanted to do, and of course I insisted that she help me to decide since we'll both be doing whatever it is together. She said that as long as I'm having a good time, she will be too. I just want to pick the right things to do since we don't exactly have unlimited time for the day.

I appreciate your help so much! Thank you!!
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply. I was offline when you responded.

Yes, she could gradually be 'preparing' him to tell him she wants to break up, and she might be timing it for right before she knows she's going to meet with you. If he has other choices of schools to go to, that's good know, if she does break up with him and he then doesn't want to be at her school.

When she brings up her boyfriend in conversation with you, try to say very little about him, and reiterate how HER happiness is most important to you and should be most important to her, as well, so you know she'll make the best decision to ensure her own happiness in the future. If she asks for your opinion about her and her boyfriend, just say, 'It sounds like you're going through a difficult time, but you know how I feel about you, and I'm counting the days until we can finally meet'.

As far as what to do when you meet, yes, a movie would not be a good idea, as you want to be able to talk. If the weather is nice enough where you live, you could go to a park, zoo, take a walk through a botanical garden. If the weather isn't conducive for outside activities, go to a museum, or find out if there are any 'festivals' in your area on that day, like a food and wine event, craft show, car show, etc., again, someplace you could walk through, and talk.

I'm happy to help, and you're most welcome.

I hope things go well when you meet!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much for your help! Can I come back to you in the future for other questions on this issue? Would my future questions about this situation just be added on to this thread after I accept the answer? It would just be easier to go to you instead of having to explain it again to someone else, haha. Thank you again!
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and you're most welcome! It was my pleasure to help.

Yes, you can definitely come back to me to ask further questions, after you accept, which would be appreciated. You can either reply on this thread, or start a new question and begin it with 'FOR CHER', so only I will answer it.

I do hope things work out well for you and please keep me posted, after you have your meeting on the 14th!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok, so I have another question. I tell her she's beautiful, pretty, cute, attractive and more and yet, she says she doesn't believe me. What do i have to say to make it more believable that this is how I feel about her appearance? Usually after I convince her, which takes a few minutes, she mentions how happy I make her. I understand that everyone wants to be desired, I just want to know how to convince her for real that this is how I feel.

Thanks again!
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your accept and your additional question.

She already knows that you think she's pretty and attractive, because you've told her. It sounds like you're embarrassing her when you speak like this, so, since you've already said it so often, don't keep repeating it all the time, but say it only at appropriate moments and when she's not expecting it. Also, don't try to convince her; you've already convinced her, and she knows how you feel. It's just a reflex to say, 'no, no, I'm not', when a woman is told that, or else she will seem conceited. So, continue to tell her these things when the opportunity presents itself, but when she reacts like she doesn't believe you, just say something like, okay, don't believe me, but you know I only speak the truth and I'm always honest with you, so...and then take her hand or hug her or just smile.

She know that's how you really feel and it makes her feel very desired, believe me.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey Cher,

     I know it has been a little bit since I was last on here, so I wanted to give you an update of what's going on between me and this girl that I have been talking about. She broke up with her boyfriend. One thing that I was glad to hear was that they were having problems before I met her, so I'm glad that I am not the 'cause' of their break-up. They have been broken up for about a week now and she's more over him than he is over her. This is kind of frustrating because she is trying to become 100% over him, but he tries to talk to her still. It's ok with me that they are friends and stuff, but its too soon (I think) for that to happen. Especially after they dated for 10 1/2 months. We have talked, and agreed that it would be better to wait for a while to make our relationship public. The question that I have is, how long is a while? She said that she heard 1/3 of the time you were dating the previous person is the amount of time you should wait to start officially dating again. I'm not sure about this, and I know its different for everyone and each situation. I wanted to see what you thought. And just to add onto that, she says that everything is fine, she is happy and stuff until he tries to talk to her. She has been doing a good job, keeping the conversation minimal (this is all on an instant messenger). We have now met in person and it was such an amazing day. We were together from 8:30am until I dropped her off at 11:15pm. Long time right? It felt like 2 hours! haha. There is definitely a mutual physical attraction as well as emotionally. She has invited me to go to Disney World with her and a part of her family over the summer and I'm really excited to go. Basically, we know we're together, but we're just not public yet because of the length of her last relationship, which is ok with me. Also, my mom wants to get me a car to use at school for next year because she doesn't like driving back and forth to pick me up (doesn't really like highway driving). I am excited about this too because that means I will have a way to get to this girl next year when we both have free weekends, which will definitely help keep our relationship together.

Thanks again for your help! Sorry I didn't accept your last answer very promptly, I am going to do so now.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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Cher
Cher
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Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor