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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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ok, my question is difficult. I am married recently and thier

Customer Question

ok, my question is difficult. I am married recently and thier is real conflict developing with my husband and my son. My husband thinks my son is a lazy, user that only sees me when he want's something. Cut a long story short, my husband helped my son in the beginning but because my son hasn't been the person my husband wanted him to be, he now doesn,t like him. However, I had my son at 19 and we have had a very had life together and i could have been a better mother basically. But.... I utterly love my son and can not deal with with my husbands negativity towards my my son. I am in the middle and it does destroy me. God if you can make any sense of what i've said could you advise me?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Kitty

What are your ages? (you, husband, son)

How long have you been with your husband?

How did he help your son? what is different about your son than what your husband wanted?

Does your son live with you both?

How is your husband actingnegative towards him?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 42, my husband is 44, my son is 23. I have bee married for a year, have been together for two years before that. He helped my son with money and paying his rent for a while. I think my husband thought if he gave him all the help he thought he needed then my son's life would just improve and he should then just become 'the perfect man'. My son is a product of my 'failure' and although he is not a bad person he makes bad decisions. He doesn't live with us but he treats my home like his home. God this is so hard to explain! The way my husband acts negative towards him is that he feels he 'takes the piss' and now wants him to repay all the money he has ever given to him. What i try and tell him is that for a long time it was just me and my son! I have not been the best role model but i can't except that if my son (tom) does not become the person he thinks he should be 'overnight' then he sholdn't give up on him so easy! Tom has never had a solid role model like robin (my husband). By the way I have his two sons every weekend and treat them like my own. I have done so much for those two boys. Yes they are more adjusted than my tom but then my tom never had a wonderful father. probably can make no sense of this.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Yes, no worries, I'm making sense of it :) One thing to keep in mind is althought Tom may have messed up, if your husband continues to harass and reject him, it could actually make him fail more. So there are two aspects I want you to look at and think about

1. you said Tom treats your home as his home. Can you explain that to me a little more and does your husband have issue with it?

2. What does your son say about the way your husband treats him?

Is he really expecting your son to pay him back the money he gave him?

In what wats does Tom need to improve?
Why are you blaming yourself?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Ok, thanks for doing this! I am just trying my best to explain.

1. Yes my husband had an issue with tom treating our home like his own! However, i have dealt with that I think by being the mediator and explained to tom that there are boundries he has to respect. That has been successful because he has understood that it's not just me and him anymore.

2. Tom does not understand why 'all of a sudden' robin has 'turned on him', he just welcomed robins kindness and help beileving it was because he 'loved' him because he was my son.

and yes.......Robin really is expecting him to pay the money back! Tom has been told by his father (birth father) that he is going to pay robin back all the money he has given to tom. However... his dad is unfortunatley a liar!

Basically robin can not understand that my son is fallable! I love my tom with all my heart and i blame myself because as much as as i love him i was not equipped to be a role model to a child at that age. I wish I had my time again with my son! How do i i put right everything that i did wrong in the past? How can i get that through to my husband? Bearing in mind he has accepted me with all my faults. Can you help me? My heart breaks every day over this and if it did come down to it, i would choose my son over my husband.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
So sorry, i know I have to figure this one out myself! It's just 'mental' God i think my husband believes he is going to be problem free with his sons. However, I know what is to come because i am a mother to a child that is older than his sons. believe me for all my faults my husbands youngest son is going to be extremley difficult! But how can I say that! The diffrence is I won't judge! He pays is ex wife £1,500 per month on top of the £100,00 thousand pounds she got, and she openly slags him off to anyone that will listen! But..................It's my son that is the bad one! Sorry, sorry, i know what I have to do and it will be fine. Thank you for attempting to help. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
wish you could have given another reply, however, i do realise that i'm aswking to much! I will figure this out! Thank you, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Kitty,

I had to step away for a moment, I apologize. Even if I don't respond in the first few minutes, or I'm not online when you post, I have not deserted you. I'm here as long as you feel the need to talk, ok? Firstly, it is very important and good that you did step up and let Tom know that it's not just about you and him. Your husband needs to feel like he is the man of the house and that may be hard on your son, because he may have felt like the man of the house for so long. The fact is eventually he will start a family of his own and you will still have to be with your husband, so you don't want to make your husband feel like the son (or sons ) have control of the house.

You have to stop beating yourself up. As moms, we do what we can, and you accept your husbands faults just like he accepts yours. Everyone makes mistakes and the fact is, the last time I checked, they didn't give out an instructional manual with newborns. When we are young, or when we aren't blessed with the best childhoods, then it makes it more difficult to do all the 'right things' with out children. We could beat ourselves up all day wondering if we should have done this, or not done that. You can't change the past and you can't predict the future, you can only focus on today and what the next steps will be.

Tobin has to realize that if he loves you, he has to love your son. In my opinion he should not be asking to be paid back. He did what he did for Tom and it was his decision to do it. When he did it, he didn't say it was a loan, and now to predicate that gift on tom's behavior is wrong and unfair. He can set more of an example for Tom by saying that he gave him the gift and all he wants to do is see him do well. Even if he can't control him or make him into the man HE wants him to be, he can still have a loving and guiding affect on his life. I could see if he says he won't give him anymore, but to make him pay what he's given back, although it's understandable why he feels that way, is selfish and counterproductive. It's not the greatest way to teach Tom how to be a man. Perhaps if you can make him see it from that angle it might change how he feels.

If you blame yourself for your sons faults, then eventually your son will learn to blame you as well (if he hasn't already). You can't live by mistakes, but what you're willing to do in the future. Talk to your son, you're still his mom, and what you've learned over time is what he needs to know now. Robin can help him be a man, but only if he's willing to be q man too, not have a tantrum when things don't go his way. Children are not dolls or pets, we can't make them do what we want them to do, no matter how much we want to. We are here to guide them, direct them, counsel them, and be there for them.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.



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