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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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ok, my question is difficult. I am married recently and thier

Customer Question

ok, my question is difficult. I am married recently and thier is real conflict developing with my husband and my son. My husband thinks my son is a lazy, user that only sees me when he want's something. Cut a long story short, my husband helped my son in the beginning but because my son hasn't been the person my husband wanted him to be, he now doesn,t like him. However, I had my son at 19 and we have had a very had life together and i could have been a better mother basically. But.... I utterly love my son and can not deal with with my husbands negativity towards my my son. I am in the middle and it does destroy me. God if you can make any sense of what i've said could you advise me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Kitty

What are your ages? (you, husband, son)

How long have you been with your husband?

How did he help your son? what is different about your son than what your husband wanted?

Does your son live with you both?

How is your husband actingnegative towards him?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am 42, my husband is 44, my son is 23. I have bee married for a year, have been together for two years before that. He helped my son with money and paying his rent for a while. I think my husband thought if he gave him all the help he thought he needed then my son's life would just improve and he should then just become 'the perfect man'. My son is a product of my 'failure' and although he is not a bad person he makes bad decisions. He doesn't live with us but he treats my home like his home. God this is so hard to explain! The way my husband acts negative towards him is that he feels he 'takes the piss' and now wants him to repay all the money he has ever given to him. What i try and tell him is that for a long time it was just me and my son! I have not been the best role model but i can't except that if my son (tom) does not become the person he thinks he should be 'overnight' then he sholdn't give up on him so easy! Tom has never had a solid role model like robin (my husband). By the way I have his two sons every weekend and treat them like my own. I have done so much for those two boys. Yes they are more adjusted than my tom but then my tom never had a wonderful father. Sorry......you probably can make no sense of this.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Yes, no worries, I'm making sense of it :) One thing to keep in mind is althought Tom may have messed up, if your husband continues to harass and reject him, it could actually make him fail more. So there are two aspects I want you to look at and think about

1. you said Tom treats your home as his home. Can you explain that to me a little more and does your husband have issue with it?

2. What does your son say about the way your husband treats him?

Is he really expecting your son to pay him back the money he gave him?

In what wats does Tom need to improve?
Why are you blaming yourself?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok, thanks for doing this! I am just trying my best to explain.

1. Yes my husband had an issue with tom treating our home like his own! However, i have dealt with that I think by being the mediator and explained to tom that there are boundries he has to respect. That has been successful because he has understood that it's not just me and him anymore.

2. Tom does not understand why 'all of a sudden' robin has 'turned on him', he just welcomed robins kindness and help beileving it was because he 'loved' him because he was my son.

and yes.......Robin really is expecting him to pay the money back! Tom has been told by his father (birth father) that he is going to pay robin back all the money he has given to tom. However... his dad is unfortunatley a liar!

Basically robin can not understand that my son is fallable! I love my tom with all my heart and i blame myself because as much as as i love him i was not equipped to be a role model to a child at that age. I wish I had my time again with my son! How do i i put right everything that i did wrong in the past? How can i get that through to my husband? Bearing in mind he has accepted me with all my faults. Can you help me? My heart breaks every day over this and if it did come down to it, i would choose my son over my husband.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So sorry, i know I have to figure this one out myself! It's just 'mental' God i think my husband believes he is going to be problem free with his sons. However, I know what is to come because i am a mother to a child that is older than his sons. believe me for all my faults my husbands youngest son is going to be extremley difficult! But how can I say that! The diffrence is I won't judge! He pays is ex wife £1,500 per month on top of the £100,00 thousand pounds she got, and she openly slags him off to anyone that will listen! But..................It's my son that is the bad one! Sorry, sorry, i know what I have to do and it will be fine. Thank you for attempting to help. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
wish you could have given another reply, however, i do realise that i'm aswking to much! I will figure this out! Thank you, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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