replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome. Thanks very much for your reply, accept and most generous bonus.
I completely understand where you're coming from, and after describing parts of your life, we have many things in common, so I really do empathize with you.
There is really no reason for him to act the way he does and treat you this way; it's totally unacceptable. It's possible that he's going through a 'mid-life crisis', which men of his age can do, and honestly, I think he resents how well you balance everything, despite your disabilities, and I also think he resents that people like you! He would probably (subconsciously) rather that you were more 'needy' and not so independent and complained all the time, so he could yell at you about that, too.
You should not allow him to use your disability payments for a motorcycle and if the loan payments are both of yours, that's alright, unless the money needs to be used for something else, and he has your permission. Using it to pay your credit card is also alright, if you agree to it, but he should not be 'demanding' and allocating any monies that you are getting due to your disabilities. You should be the one making those decisions.
Disregard his comments about your weight, because you know they are not true and you need to tell him it's ENOUGH. You have enough troubles in your life, through no fault of your own, and believe me, a weaker person (emotionally) would have been beaten down and given up, long ago, and I do think he is resentful of your resilience and upbeat attitude.
Maybe he wants to feel more needed by you, but, at the same time, he sounds like the type of person who would complain about having to do things for you. You've been married 37 years and you know each other very well--you have to tell him straight out, that how he is treating you is unacceptable, and you deserve better treatment. Tell him you won't take anymore of his controlling, negative attitude; he's bringing you down, and he doesn't have to go to counseling to know how he's acting. He's turned into a bitter, negative man, and ask him why? Ask him what's wrong, that's making him act this way toward you, whom he loves, and toward the other children, except your youngest? Be solicitous--ask him if he's feeling alright; maybe he's in pain and that's what's causing him to be so 'snappish' and inconsiderate of other people's feelings. Tell him you'd like to rediscover the man you fell in love with and married.
I would never tell you to consider leaving him, because that decision has to be totally yours, and even though you've related a lot of details re: what he does and what you do, and your life, in general, I don't really know if you 'need' him to do things for you, with you, and to support you, even though you're receiving disability. But, I do know that you should not be required to take what he's dishing out on a steady basis, and if you speak up for yourself and he just puts you down for it, and/or continues, you need to put yourself first (for the first time in your life, most likely), and tell him that if his behavior toward you doesn't change, you just can't be there to take it anymore; you deserve better. You deserve understanding, tolerance and love, which you once shared, and you hoped you still do possess these qualities in your marriage. Try saying this nicely and do not get too emotional, but it IS an emotional subject and he should recognize this.
Don't begin any sentences with, "you know, I read in my psychiatry book" or "in my experience with counseling...", since he already said he doesn't want to hear it. Just speak from the heart and use the best words to fit your situation--you know what to say.
I hope you're able to salvage your marriage and have him treat you the way you deserve.
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