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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I need to know if Im actually being abused mentally In my

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I need to know if I'm actually being abused mentally? In my first marriage I did suffer physical abuse and immediately left the marriage after one year but I now have been in my second marriage for 37 years and I've become who I'm not or was. My belief's are being stripped gradually and I don't know if it's him or me. I have been suffering medical issues that can't be explained and to proved to myself by going to my sons house for 4 days and did not have any of the physical medical I've been experienceing. Is there any one I could talk to , to help me? I have gone through counseling several times and, the only way I can explain it, is I become this giant oak tree and little bit by little bit this ax chops and chops until I'm kindling. Sinc

erely,

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question.

I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through so much, in the past 11 years, since the auto accident, but you do sound like a strong person and that is so important.

From your description, it's very likely that you *are* being mentally abused by your husband if he doesn't understand what your injuries entail, and the fact that you were told by the doctors/professionals to be careful and take it easy, yet, he thinks you should still be able to work. In addition, if you do not manifest the same medical problems at your son's house (which was an EXCELLENT experiment) as you do at home, I think this is proof enough.

Under the circumstance, your husband should be supportive of you and helpful, not constantly telling you that you should be working; however, not knowing all the details, is it possible that your husband is acting out of fear that his income alone, is not sufficient to meet all the bills and that's why he keeps talking about you working? If you've already discussed the state of the finances of your household and you know that this is not a problem, he should not be badgering you, as you describe.

If you've already been through counseling, it might be a good idea for your husband to do the same. He can start out alone, and then the two of you can go together, if you're able. Perhaps if a counselor/therapist confronts him with this type of mental abuse he's inflicting upon you, he'll finally see it from a different angle and understand better, how this is adversely affecting you and your health.

Try your best to resolve this issue, with the help of your doctors and a counselor, and hopefully, things will improve. If you feel things are not improving, you might have to consider living elsewhere, temporarily, so you can feel better and heal better.

I wish you much good luck, and hope things change for the better, very soon.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

Thankyou so very much for your response. An answer to one of you comments that my husband may be worried financially does not fit our circumstances. Our child

ren are grown, married and have children. We have 6 grandsons and 3 grand-daughters. Even that has changed!!! When we married he had three children, ages 3,2,11mos. I had a 2 yr old. After 11yrs. we had a daughter together. Just recently the only child he bonds with , is her. She just had her second child, (on my birthday, as a matter of fact) and has no qualms any-time she needs a sitter or just pops in. If any of the others come he (excuse me)bitches about why are they here and now what do they want? It also upsets her that he reacts this way. It's just that, (I'm sure you heard this before) his motto is my money is none of your business but wants my SSD and Dis.Ret. which pays for a 1999 Harley motorcycle, two loans and one of my credit cards. I find this absolutely unfair and controlling!!! I was D.P.O.A. and Guardian for my parents the last 12yrs. in which I lost my mother last year on Good Friday. I still am responsible for my father. He lived with us for 1yr. and a half and continued to tell me if my father wasn't here there would be less stress between us. I moved ny dad to an assisted living facility 2mos. ago and not one thing has changed, in fact it's gotten worse!! I am a very intelligent person and have helped a lot of people including students on my bus route, which I miss very much since my accident. I am only 55yrs. young and I started turning white(not gray) white at the age of 16yrs. Now that I'm totally white I dye my hair to the brown it used to be and he dislikes it very much, but many, including our children love it, Especially me, but am accused of listening to others instead of him. My weight? I am smaller now than when he met me and with each surgery I have I become anemic and lose more all the time but am told about what I eat and How much...LI only weigh 145lbs. If I go visit family members I;m called wanting to know when I'll be home and I better not do this or that...When my housework is done and I get on the computer or watch a TV show I'm told (is that all you have to do is lay on your fat ass!!!) Get a job and do something with your life!!! I am very crafty and we have not even bought Xmas gifts for over 18yrs because I make them including the grandchildren. I do wedding decor and cakes when I can because of my restrictions and I get ,Are you getting paid for this? It just seems that all that matters to his little world is Money,Money,Money!! Yet with no question he goes out and buys any and all he wants. I am a very insecure individual and need companionship whether good or bad but to me this is really bad and very controlling. My mom stayed home and raised 7 of us and not once did my father ever tell her to get a job, he felt she had enough on her plate with us. When she was ill he took care of her plus worked. He is where I get my compassion from and hard working. I don't give up and try to believe there is a solution to every problem, but I haven't found one for this...Many, including his own family members don't agree on his way of thinking, but I still question? can we make it? He totally refuses to go to counseling and even tells me if I try to work things out he's heard enough of my counseling stragedies and do it on someone who cares. He has many good qualities but doesn't always show them. One can meet him for five minutes and says things... for instance:ON Valentines day I forgot it was even that day when one wished it to me and I replied; OH! I forgot cuz my husband isn't the sentimental type and he replied; I gathered that after just meeting him for five minutes...Do you have any further comments or suggestions?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome. Thanks very much for your reply, accept and most generous bonus.

I completely understand where you're coming from, and after describing parts of your life, we have many things in common, so I really do empathize with you.

There is really no reason for him to act the way he does and treat you this way; it's totally unacceptable. It's possible that he's going through a 'mid-life crisis', which men of his age can do, and honestly, I think he resents how well you balance everything, despite your disabilities, and I also think he resents that people like you! He would probably (subconsciously) rather that you were more 'needy' and not so independent and complained all the time, so he could yell at you about that, too.

You should not allow him to use your disability payments for a motorcycle and if the loan payments are both of yours, that's alright, unless the money needs to be used for something else, and he has your permission. Using it to pay your credit card is also alright, if you agree to it, but he should not be 'demanding' and allocating any monies that you are getting due to your disabilities. You should be the one making those decisions.

Disregard his comments about your weight, because you know they are not true and you need to tell him it's ENOUGH. You have enough troubles in your life, through no fault of your own, and believe me, a weaker person (emotionally) would have been beaten down and given up, long ago, and I do think he is resentful of your resilience and upbeat attitude.

Maybe he wants to feel more needed by you, but, at the same time, he sounds like the type of person who would complain about having to do things for you. You've been married 37 years and you know each other very well--you have to tell him straight out, that how he is treating you is unacceptable, and you deserve better treatment. Tell him you won't take anymore of his controlling, negative attitude; he's bringing you down, and he doesn't have to go to counseling to know how he's acting. He's turned into a bitter, negative man, and ask him why? Ask him what's wrong, that's making him act this way toward you, whom he loves, and toward the other children, except your youngest? Be solicitous--ask him if he's feeling alright; maybe he's in pain and that's what's causing him to be so 'snappish' and inconsiderate of other people's feelings. Tell him you'd like to rediscover the man you fell in love with and married.

I would never tell you to consider leaving him, because that decision has to be totally yours, and even though you've related a lot of details re: what he does and what you do, and your life, in general, I don't really know if you 'need' him to do things for you, with you, and to support you, even though you're receiving disability. But, I do know that you should not be required to take what he's dishing out on a steady basis, and if you speak up for yourself and he just puts you down for it, and/or continues, you need to put yourself first (for the first time in your life, most likely), and tell him that if his behavior toward you doesn't change, you just can't be there to take it anymore; you deserve better. You deserve understanding, tolerance and love, which you once shared, and you hoped you still do possess these qualities in your marriage. Try saying this nicely and do not get too emotional, but it IS an emotional subject and he should recognize this.

Don't begin any sentences with, "you know, I read in my psychiatry book" or "in my experience with counseling...", since he already said he doesn't want to hear it. Just speak from the heart and use the best words to fit your situation--you know what to say.

I hope you're able to salvage your marriage and have him treat you the way you deserve.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18881
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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