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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18564
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi. Im 50, male, dating a woman 43 for about 7 months. I

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Hi. I'm 50, male, dating a woman 43 for about 7 months. I think we are equally attractive. The first 4 months were PERFECT. We fell in-love quickly, and loved each other mutually. We both drink beer. I lost 40 lbs starting about a month before we started dating. I did it by exercising a lot, and eating low fat and low carb. I looked pretty good/reasonably thin. We went to a wedding after 4 months. Even when I've been drunk in my life, I've been a happy drunk. But I went past a threshold of drunk the night of the wedding - I hit a state where I couldn't remember what i said, while trying to remember the next day. Apparently, I appeared to be very jealous about someone buying her and I a beer. She didn't want to talk about it. I hurt her feelings, mainly because I've come to know she is ULTRA-sensitive to confrontation. She has backed away from the deep love, but still sees me, and its 3 months later. What can I do (she won't work on it)to resurrect or rekindle our love?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

Can you explain in more detail what you mean by: 'she has backed away from the deep love, but still sees me'?

How often do you see each other, now? Are you intimate? What do you do on a typical date?

Has she or anyone else who was present, told you what you said when you were drunk at the wedding?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She use to tell me she loved me all the time - daily by email, text, phone or in person. Shewould text me all the time how she misses me, she called me sweetie, sweetheart, Honey, Babe, She held my hand EVERY time we got in the car and was driving. Since that night, the ONLY term of endearment is to call me hun. She likes me, and likes to hag around me, and I like her 2 kids and they like me. No I love you's any more from her. We use to communicate 7-10 times daily. Now I text/email/call and she responds once in 5 messages. No one saw us that night. I mix in a bottle of water with beers now. This has happened a few times since that night, but I've been in "chasing mode" since the first one, as she is pulling away. We have sex, but not as often and rarely as loving as it was. Beers are a common thread on our dates, nowadays we meet after work for a few, but we have no issues from drinking any more. She had a husband who was jealous and controlling, and I think that past programming clouds her mind about me. Also, she told me she has no fond memories of childhood. She ran away from from home at 15, did lots of drugs, married as a teenager. Husband was controlling, and she wanted out from almost the beginning. I can't talk to her, because it seems like I'm pushing again, or I seem too needy. I feel like if I hang in there and we get along great, that these feelings will/may/hopefully return to her. We had the makings of one of the all-time great loves, then she put up a wall. She told me she had a wall up the day we met. As she began falling for me, she emailed me, "thanks for being patient with me and seeing through my wall." I feel we were meant to be together. She felt that way too for the 1st 4 months. We saw each other about 4 times a week. Summertime. Lots to do. it was fun, alive, and VERY loving. Isn't there some thing I can do, without involving her in some discussuion about why she won't love me now? Even her kids describe me as "over the top nice." So I don't think its me. Should I touch her? Not touch her? Contact her by cell/text/email? Not contact her?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Also need to tell you. She has recovered from her childhood. has a good job, and is good with money and with her kids. I'm in real estate. And at the same time she got cool on our love, my real estate business was going into the toilet. Maybe bankruptcy is looming. I've been barely above water these past 3 months. My credit is shot. I've been very stressed out, and I'm sure my confidence is way way down - which i'm sure looks very unattractive to her.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Are you still there?

 

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your reply with additional and helpful information.

I think there's a variety of factors involved, here: the initial wedding incident, in which she saw you in a different light and perhaps discovered a facet of you she didn't know existed; some apprehension on her part, after seeing you in that 'mode', and also, the stress of your business troubles, which, as you mentioned, may be taking it's toll on you, your confidence, and how she views you.

I think, first, you should cool it a little with the communication, if she's not answering every call, text, email. Wait for her to answer, first, and then respond again. I understand that you were used to talking a lot in the past, but now that things have changed, and you DON'T want to appear needy, she'll still know how much you care, by what you say and do, so you don't have to constantly email/call, etc., but keep up the communication somewhat, so she knows you're thinking of her.

While you feel badly about your behavior that night, and know that's when the change in her behavior towards you began, from the information you have included, she's also carrying a lot of 'baggage' from her past (childhood) and an emotionally abusive husband. She's naturally 'wary' of men, and you must have had some great attraction when you first met, and for those first 4 months, so considering that 'foundation', I think you might be able to get it back. You need to move slowly, and open a line of communication with her to gradually draw her out and know her feelings on this. If she doesn't want to discuss it, you don't want to upset her, but tell her that you would really appreciate her sharing her thoughts with you, re: the change in your relationship, i.e., not as close and lovey-dovey as before, so that she can help you get back to that place, which you LOVED being in, with her!

Continue to express your love for her as if nothing ever happened. and say things like: 'hey remember when we....' and bring up a great time you had doing something fun and/or romantic. Try to bring more romance back into the relationship with little surprise gifts (they don't have to be expensive, just meaningful), cards (don't over do it), and romantic dinners, walks, etc. Continue to be best buds with her kids, since they like you so much, and try to act like nothing ever changed, but proceed slowly, so as to not frighten her away.

It sounds like you started off so well, that you do have a chance to rekindle this love and sustain this relationship, and that's a lot going in your favor. Just remember, she wants and needs to feel loved, attractive, and necessary to your life, so try to fulfill those essentials to get back to where you were, or at least, close to it.

Try to cut down on the beers, so this can never happen again. Instead of beers after work, change it up with other activities which you'll both enjoy and where you can make it more romantic and prove how much you still care.

I wish you much good luck and please let me know how it's going.

If you have any further thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

This is very helpful Cher! I appreciate your obvious concern . I'm a little unclear on what you mean by this statement: "Just remember, she wants and needs to feel loved, attractive, and necessary to your life, so try to fulfill those essentials to get back to where you were, or at least, close to i." Maybe I'm just not reading it right.

 

kenny

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher. Can you tell what that means?

 

Kenny

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
This is very helpful Cher! I appreciate your obvious concern . I'm a little unclear on what you mean by this statement: "Just remember, she wants and needs to feel loved, attractive, and necessary to your life, so try to fulfill those essentials to get back to where you were, or at least, close to i." Maybe I'm just not reading it right.
_______________________________________________________________________
Hi again, Kenny, and I'm glad I could be of help.

What I meant by that, was, due to the unfortunate events in her past, she may have difficulty realizing her self-worth and because, when you first met, your chemistry was so strong and you both felt in love very quickly, try doing/saying whatever you did then, now, to help her see that she is a very necessary part of your life and you don't want to lose that. I'm saying, take actions/say words which will make her realize what a great person she is, build her self-confidence, and this may help you both achieve that previous 'status' you had during the first 4 months of your relationship.

You mentioned something about the 'wall' she had built up around her, which was instinctive, so she couldn't get hurt again, but she said you could see through her wall, and that was one of the most important things she could say to you. It meant she trusts you implicitly and relies on you to keep her safe; this is what she needed, and you provided it. Show her you're still the same person who can 'see through her wall' and still protect her because you love her.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

OK Thanks Cher, Here's our picture a couple a weeks ago

graphic

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Kenny.

As you can see, I just sent you an answer; I hope you got it. Wow! Thanks so much for the picture; it's always nice to put a face to the people! : ) That is a GREAT pic, and you certainly make a beautiful couple!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18564
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 6 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for all the inpuit Cher! You've been very helpful. I'd like to communicate with you in the future and let you know how things are going. I guess I pay you $15.00 next time I have a question?

 

 

Kenny

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Kenny, and you're so very welcome! Thanks very much for your reply and your accept.

Yes, I would love to know how things are going, and would be happy to hear from you at any time. Just click 'reply' on this 'request for information', to keep me posted. There is no additional charge for a follow up, to update me, but yes, if you post a new question, you would need to place another deposit in order to read it.

I wish you much good luck and hope to receive a 'progress report' real soon!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher. I appreciate your help on my relationship. Let's see to update.....not much has changed.... I turned 51 on March1st. She took me out with her friend to dinner the sat night before. I spent the night, we had sex on the couch after many beers, I spent the night on the couch as I've been accustomed to since her " love cool down phase." On Sunday, the next day, my birthday, got up at noon, we had coffee, chatted (her kids were at their fathers for the weekend). She was talking withn her daughter by phone and said, "I'm making dinner tonight. It's kenny's birthday, and I'll make him what ever he wants." I didn't to that point even know if she wanted me to stay all day Sunday at her house, or if I should go home and go about my business. the day was good....we went grocery shopping, made the dinner, and had a nice meal and evening afterwards. Pleasant, but not lovey-dovey.

 

I had not seen her for the 4 or 5 days before that. I wasn't sure she was even going to see me for my birthday. I texted her on Saturday afternoon 2/28/09 to see if she wanted to get a sandwich and drink at one of our local pubs. She did, and called her friend to join us for a birthday celebration for me. Her friend, unbeknownced to my girlfriend, has talked privately to me recently about my relationship with Trish. Our recent phone calls were made by me, wanting insight or advice on what I should do. Mary, Trish's friend, told me she had dinner with Trish a couple of days ago and discussed me a bit. Mary told Trish, "Trish, you must have real feelings for Kenny, or you wouldn't keep seeing him." Trish said i know, I know. Mary said "he loves you deeply, and he really cares a lot about your kids." Trish said i know, I know. Mary said "he won't stay in this kind of relationship forever - you run the risk of losing him." Trish said i know, i got to get it right, or she said i need to figure it out, or she said something to that effect. So I'm still in limbo. What I'm doing is a sort of "rope-a-dope." I'm trying to stay "in the game" until the warm weather comes (we met last July 3rd, and we started out in love doing warm weather activities) and maybe I can get her back mentally,emotionally to that time last summer. I feel if she gets back to being in love, saying i love you, texting she misses me, regaining our loving closeness, she won't slide back again. I think, and I may be wrong, that she will keep the wall down permanently with me if she she opens it up again.

 

Cher, I pray almost daily that her heart be reopened. I'm also a student of "The Secret." I don't know if you are familiar with "The Secret," or a believer in its teachings of the Law of Attraction. I'm trying to follow the teaching of what they call "the creative process." Ask, believe, receive. In this process, it seems that the critical component is to belive that you have it already. That you must believe, without doubt that you it's already yours. Do you subscribe to such a theory? And can the Law of Attraction work in this instance?

 

Also, I'm trying not to put all of my eggs in her basket, and leave open the possibility for total heartbreak again. I reopened my account on Match.com (Trish and I met online last year on Singlesnet). I met one lady for a drink, and I'm texting another now. I don't want to be with anyone else but Trish, so am i out of line here?

 

I look forward to your input. Thanks Cher!

 

Kenny

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Kenny, and thanks for your update.

I think your birthday went very well, and it was great that Trish made you dinner and you spent Sunday together, also!

At this point, I believe your thinking is correct, that you should definitely stay in the game and see how things go, until summer, when you might rekindle your love in the warmer weather and do activities you loved doing when you first met; however, remember that things won't be exactly the same, so don't set yourself up for disappointment, and take it as it comes.

Involving Trish's friend Mary may have been a good idea, but I wouldn't want to see that backfire on you, like, for example, if Mary says something to her that you didn't ask her to say, etc., so just tread carefully with that.

If you feel unsatisfied in your relationship with Trish, you have every right to go online and make dates with other women, however, if you cherish your relationship with her and want to preserve it/rekindle it, you're taking a chance on her finding out that you're not being exclusive with her, and then you might lose her.

You say that you don't want to be with anyone but Trish, but you're making the move to meet other women online. I couldn't say if you were out of line with that move, but it's important to establish exactly what your relationship is with Trish, at this point, because if you're NOT exclusive, there's nothing wrong with you dating others. I've heard of 'The Secret' and it sounds like a good, positive philosophy, so if you subscribe to it, hopefully, it will do well for you.

If Trish still feels conflicted about her feelings for you and/or your relationship, and you truly want things to be the way they were, do your best to make her know how much you care for her (without being smothering), and take things a day at a time. You can't rip your heart apart every time she does something nice and you feel a little of the old feeling is showing, but then she pulls back. Eventually, you'll have to discuss with her, where your relationship stands and how she wants to proceed, and tell her from your heart, how you feel. You can't force someone to go back to feeling as they once did, if intervening forces have taken part of that away, but if true love is there, it CAN conquer all; you just have to make sure it IS there, on her part. We already know it's there, on yours.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Cher. Nice talking with you too. Great advice. I want to be exclusive. I feel I can't even broach the subject without smothering her. Do you think i can continue this "dance" until warm weather? I'm sure hoping to. And I have told her how much I love her recently. I told I wasn't looking for a reply. She did admit that her feelings about me have fluctuated back and forth. i also need advice on what to do to direct my focus on my business. I know iI need to redirect focus, but HOW?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
You're most welcome, Kenny.

I do think you can continue this 'dance' until summer, but a lot depends on her, too. I'm glad you told her how much you loved her, recently, and didn't put any pressure on her for a reply; that was very smart thinking!

Do you mean you need to redirect your focus on your business, because all you can think about is her and your relationship? If so, you need to concentrate on your business during business hours, or anything you do from home, also related to your business, but I would 'reserve' the evening hours to speak to her and/or think about her, but you can't let your doubt about her true feelings for you interfere with your business, which really needs your attention. Throw yourself INTO your business and if thoughts of her come into your mind, push them aside, until you don't need to concentrate on business stuff, anymore for the day. Don't stress yourself out. While you DO have some control in the situation, and can help to make things work out in your favor, she's still the one holding all the cards, if she has said her feelings for you do fluctuate back and forth. When she told you that, you could have said (or perhaps can bring it up again, at the right time): 'Why do you think that's happening? What's making your feelings for me, fluctuate? Is there anything I'm doing or saying which is causing you to feel unsure of my love for you or how you feel about me? I'd really like to better understand more about your feelings.'

Cher

If you feel you can't broach the subject without smothering her, you'll either have to bide your time until the summer, or force yourself to NOT be smothering and tell her you'd like to discuss how your relationship is going, especially if you want to remain exclusive.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher. Well 2 months later..........We still see each other. She Called me late one night about 2 months ago and said that maybe she didn't give me (us) a fair shake (after we stopprd seeing each other for a few days), and that maybe we could go out on a date the next night and kinda start over. Things have been pretty good since then, but she still won't say she loves me, still keeps a distance, and the other night Cinco De Maio, we were up late, drinking. I wanted to broach the subject of just what we have. I said, "You don't love me and are we exclusive? Are we sexually exclusive? " She was getting uncomfortable. I was saying to her nicely, "No, honey, I just need to know where we stand." I asked her if she had any feelings for her last boyfriend ( who she works with and is one of 3 or 4 who swing by the casino together once in a while after work. She said no, she doesn't. She said she told me 6 months ago that her feelings changed for me. When i asked her what does that mean, i.e. you don't love me, but you want to keep seeing me, i don't get a clear answer. (Also, we, this week bought a house to rehab and sell together as a joint project. We also might get away for a few days). The 2 questions that I wanted to ask her, started to, but never got an answer (because she HATES talking about and around this topic!) are 1. Are you still seeing me, rehabbing a house with me, getting away for a few days with me in HOPES THAT YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO ME? or, or you just having fun and/or trying to make money? and 2. If you say you're not in-love with me, but want an exclusive relationship, are you OPEN TO FINDING TRUE LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHEN WE ARE NOT TOGETHER?

 

Cher, I believe these are 2 important questions, that if I'm being logical, would have answers that would guide ME in what to do. What are your thoughts, please?

 

Kenny

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Kenny; it's good to hear from you again.

Would you please give me a short while to refresh my memory regarding your situation, and then I will send you my answer?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Sure, thanks Cher. One other thing.... Iinitiate almost 100% of alkl our contact. I text her first each day. she responds, but very rarely does she initiate it. We go out, but I'm always the one who asks for the date. My close friends have been suggesting "aloofness," or to "back off" for quite some time

 

Kenny

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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