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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18594
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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In December 2008, my fiance, who I had been with for 15 years,

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In December 2008, my fiance, who I had been with for 15 years, left me for a woman he met at work. He told me he felt like we were siblings. We hadn't had sex in years. The non-sex started when I was going through menopause and then he just kept saying how great our relationship was because sex was not an issue. When he left he brought up the no sex and I told him I just thought he didn't want it and I didn't want to force it. Anyway, I have moved away to another city and we are still speaking but just as friends. This morning he called and told me that he didn't really know the woman he left me for and after some of her actions, he was going to tread very carefully. I know he wants my ear as his friend, but I still love him and want him back. Is there anyway I can let him know that I want him back and that I still want him sexually without coming off desperate and pushing him away. I really don't want to lose this friendship.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

May I ask your ages (you, your fiance and the women he met at work)?

When did you move to another city?

Is he living with the other woman at this time?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am 57, my ex fiance is 59 and the woman he is with is 46. I moved to this new city (which is a province away) in January. He is currently living with the other woman. Over Christmas is when he told me and she was visiting her folks in Ontario. On the 27th of December I asked him to leave (they were on the phone all the time) and when she returned home on the 31st of December, he gave her a ring. I asked him this morning when he called about the engagement, and he said he had just made another one of his "stupid" mistakes. He said our relationship would stay the same if she moved out because for almost a year we were apart while he worked in another province. How do I know if he really only thinks of me as a sibling? I certainly never felt that way towards him. I hope this helps.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your additional information.

Considering that you were together for so long, it sounds like he certainly did act too quickly to end your romantic relationship, take up with this other woman, give her a ring, and then have it all fall apart within less than 2 months. One thing is good though, that he recognized his mistake and admitted to his history for making 'stupid' mistakes.

By saying if she moves out, your relationship would 'stay the same', he's telling you that he will continue to think of you as siblings? If you hadn't had a sexual relationship in years, partially because he was not physically there, but you do want to revive that part of your relationship, I think you should talk to him about it; share your point of view and be very positive about how you feel it can work if you're together again (if this is possible) and you can 'start over', then ask what his thoughts and feelings are, on the subject.

I think he may have had a 'mid-life crisis' when he left you for this other woman (not untypical for men his age), and if he's thinking more clearly now, missing you (as evidenced by his phone call), there may still be hope for your relationship.

If you truly still care for him and would like to rekindle your relationship, you should take steps toward that end. Tell him that you ARE interested in a sexual relationship with him, as mentioned above, and see what he has to say. If he should respond with the 'siblings' thought again, you might have to tell him that you feel differently, you never thought of him like a brother, still don't, and although you don't want to lose him as a friend, you're afraid that's how it might turn out, unless he can be honest with you and stay faithful to you. Tell him you love him and you always have, and you'd like to know honestly, how he feels about you right now. Then, take it from there. Although you would like your relationship/friendship to continue, you also have to save your self-respect, and he has to be made aware (if he isn't already), that he hurt you very much, when he left you for this other woman. BECAUSE things are not working out with her now, it's just more proof that he made a mistake and dove into something quickly, which he didn't think much about. Ask him how much the fifteen years you spent together meant to him. It was very special to YOU, and a long time to be together, so you thought it was a special and 'durable' relationship, meaning it would last.

You should know if he's definitely planning on moving on to date other women now, and will only think of your friendship as a friendship. If this is not what you want, you'll have to be honest with him and tell him that you don't want to remain only 'friends' and hear about his trials and tribulations with other women.

Give him a chance to come back to you, but if you realize this is not what he intended, when he called you, you'll have to move on, as he has.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you. You're the first person that hasn't said just get over him. He is calling me again in a couple of days, do you think I should see what he says about them first? I'm afraid if I come on too strong right away, he'll think I'm still the person I was when I left a month ago, someone with very low self esteem that can't do life on my own. I am stronger ,appreciate myself more and I can get along on my own and I want him to know that. I think he might have seen those qualities in her and that was part of the attraction. He asked how long my lease was this morning as well. I told him it was a year and he just said oh. I also told him it was hurtful to me to know that my life as I knew it, got taken away, for this relationship with this woman that may not work out. He said right away he wouldn't have told me if he knew I'd be upset. This is another reason I wonder if I shouldn't play it a little slower. Any further suggestions?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome.

I don't think you should just get over him, without first finding out his specific feelings on the issue, and having a chance to voice your feelings to him. However, I completely agree with you re: moving slowly, especially due to his response to what you already expressed to him.

You are most certainly NOT a woman who can't handle life on her own, as you've already proven, and I think you have more self-esteem than he or you originally thought; please have more confidence in yourself and your abilities, and yes, definitely proceed with caution. If he thinks you're the type of woman who can't 'handle' these things, like upsetting news, etc., help him see that you are NOT that type of person and encourage him to speak to you about everything. I think if you allow him to tell you more, it will be advantageous to you, although upsetting (but keep that under wraps, don't let him hear you fall apart), and it will be advantageous to HIM, as well, as he will be unburdening himself and YOU will be there to help him feel better, so this can only be a 'win-win' situation for you.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18594
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Cher. This is the best I have felt since this happened. You actually give me the hope to believe that things can work out. Everytime we talk to each other we tell each other we love each other so I had to BELIEVE and I love you for telling me to go for it. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX thank you. God Bless.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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