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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Do not know what to do. My son was seeing this girl. She has

Resolved Question:

Do not know what to do. My son was seeing this girl. She has run off three times on him in the past seven years. The last time they were engaged. She left in October while he was gone to school. It destroyed him, but now he is talking to her again and seeing her.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello

How old is your son?

Why did she leave in October?

Does your son live with you?

Has he ever dated anyone else?

What is her age?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He is 25. She was his first. He has dated others. She is 25.

 

 

 

 

He is being deployed and his has caused some friction between us. I have been trying to not think about it and make our time good before he goes.

 

There are other girls interested in him.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Spowell,

That would be the best thing to do, spend as much good and positive time as you can with him before he goes. Put this girl out of your mind, and if he says something about her, defer to however he feels about it. If he's happy, be happy for him, if he's sad, then let him know you are sad for him...mirror whatever emotion he is feeling and let him know that whatever he decides you are on his side. You would be very surprised that if you accepted this girl, he would probably lose some of this interest in her. Even if he didn't, he's an adult now and has to make and experience his own decisions. Yes, he will always be your son, but the same way you made your own decisions at 25 years old, he has to be allowed to make his own and experience his own triumphs and his own tragedies.

His involvement in the military may help open him up to other people and keep him busy enough where he may be able to keep his mind off of her long enough to look back on his mistakes. The fact is, you, as his mother, cannot be in the middle of his relationship, nor can you be a deciding factor in who he chooses to be with. It can only be his choice, because he is the only one who has to live his life. While he may not make a choice you agree with, you have to respect his wishes. Even when you think he is doing something contrary to what you've taught him, remember that he will always go back to what he was taught, just maybe not quite yet. I welcome your thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I have tried to support him. It encourages it to go on. I know I have to let him grow up. My concern is for his safety while he is gone. She causes drama and he needs to be focused on being safe.

 

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Yes, I can understand that. Know that the military will do everything they can to keep him focused, he's in a good position to remain focused and acutally get his mind off of her for a while. Perhaps the space and time between them, his ability to meet tons of other people, will be enough to allow him to clear his head and get focused.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She will be calling and writing to him. That can only mean drama.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
She still will not be able to see him in person, and swhe will not be able to contact him at a whim as he won't always be available to her. You asked initially "Why would he keep doing this? What do I tell him to make him understand he is worth more then being mistreated?"

There's no telling why he would do this, it could be that he's so infatuated with her, either emotionally, physically or sexually that he just cannot leave her alone. It could be that he's truly in love with her, and can't shake her, or it could be he finds something in her that he's not been able to find in anyone else. He knows that he is worth more, but he doesn't seem to be able to get past it. The best you can do is reiterate to him that he's a good person and deserves the best out of life. Be supportive as you have been, but if she's doing something wrong, express it to him and then let it go. See if you can get other friends/family to mention it, but only if they are privy to it so he doesn't think you are talking behind his back. The more love and support he has from you, the more strength he will have to deal with his problems with her. Let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
All his friends since he was little have supported him. The last time we did prove to him she was doing things and he acted like we were after her. His friends say now they do not know how to go through this with him again because he lies to them and us.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Its not uncommon for someone who is taken with someone like this to act this way. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is only he can decide when enough is enough. You and his friends and family are doing the best you can, there's nothing else you can do but be supportive. He is an adult and has to see her for what she really is. the good thing is that eventually he will wake up....unfortunately it might not be as quickly as you want it to be, but it will happen eventually because no one will deal with being mistreated forever. Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I know I am being a mom and can not protect him. I want things to be good before he leaves. He is spending his time with her and not his family and friends. I am hurt by it and do not know how to get past it.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You have to let him know how you feel as I'm sure you have and ask him when he can spend time with you/family before he goes. Maybe set up a dinner or a little party for him. You already know you can't force him to do anything, you can only be clear about how you feel. Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

thank you

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Anytime. Feel free to ask for me by name whenever you need to talk. :) Chase

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