replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks very much for your detailed description of your situation.
I empathize with you, and wish you didn't have to endure such an emotional roller coaster.
I think when Dave lost his job and income and moved in with you, followed by his feelings of despair and depression, he lost his self-esteem, due to all the circumstances, which were, of course, not caused by him, but the downturn of the economy and general depressed state of the nation. He was, and I believe, still is, very depressed, and many of his actions and words were precipitated by the circumstances surrounding him.
While he really had no right to comment on what he felt was proper behavior for your daughters when they had male friends over, because they are not HIS daughters, he chose something to pick on that he felt needed changing, but it was not his place at all. He might have discussed this with you in private, calmly, and given his opinion, but that's really all he was entitled to, an opinion and/or a suggestion, if he felt it was best for your daughters whom you love, if he loves you. This escalated unnecessarily due to his feelings of inadequacy re: not bringing in an income and he needed an outlet, so he picked a fight with you over this particular situation.
When your daughters moved back home, it made him feel even less successful, and added to his low self-esteem and feelings of emasculation. Not only were they in college, maintaining a 4.0 GPA, but they were also working and paying their own way, as much as they could, while he remained jobless and seemingly living 'off' you. Your daughters had every right to move back home and they certainly sound like wonderful, responsible and accomplished women, of whom you must be very proud, and remember, you made them who they are, today; you instilled these values in them, and I say Bravo!
Dave's abrupt departure was very hard on you both, and again, I feel he's only using the situation with your daughters as an excuse to leave, due to his own feelings of inadequacy and depression, however, when he asked you to meet him halfway between the two places you're living, you should have agreed, and I feel that inviting him to your house was a mistake. It was a natural thing for you to say, but it evoked all those previous bad feelings for him, re: why he had to move in with you in the first place, and not being able to support himself. The situation with your daughters was revisited when you suggested he come to your place, and he said the things he did, out of anger and frustration. Your daughters did not ruin anything re: your relationship with Dave. His own actions brought down your relationship, due to the circumstances which caused his depression and feelings of no self-worth, which led to anger with himself, which he took out on you.
I understand completely how hurt and anxious you are, about this unfortunate turn of events, but you made a very wise statement, re: "I am better off without all his problems in my life." After being with him for so long, being in love, and seeing all his good qualities, which you fell in love with, however, when the circumstances changed, it was too much for him to deal with and his personality changed in a negative way.
I don't doubt that it will take you a while to get over him and lament what could have been, with a man you though you truly loved, but everything happens for a reason, and you can attain closure and know that YOU didn't do anything wrong, but realizing that he is now, not the same man you fell in love with, when you first met. It would be advantageous for him to see a therapist to talk things out if he's not able to handle his current circumstances very well, on his own (which has been proven), however, that is a decision to be made by him, and it would be best if you didn't communicate with him again, even if he calls, emails, or whatever.
You were very wise and very strong, to realize you needed to let go of your relationship and I know it's hard to let go of the love. What you need to do is remind yourself of what a wonderful woman you are and how much you have to offer a man, and when you feel ready to start dating again, you will have the opportunity to find someone to love, once more. Please don't compare all men you meet, with Dave. You will not find another Dave; he's a unique individual, but you will find some other man who will have the qualities you seek, and you will have an opportunity to fall in love again. Is it easy? Absolutely not; you've gone through your own personal hell with this relationship, but you did nothing wrong. In a way, it's good that things ended up where they did, because although Dave possesses many great qualities, and that's what drew you to him in the first place, he revealed a side of himself in the end, which hurt you very much. Again, I believe this may not be who he really is, but his personality change occurred due to all his problems; however, he did change and this caused the demise of your relationship.
It might be helpful and cathartic for you to write all this down, re: your feelings, and everything that happened, like a journal. You can also write it as a letter to Dave, which you will never mail. I've done this before, and found it to be very helpful.
I hope things start feeling better for you, soon, and I speak from experience when I say, time really does help heal wounds. You can remember this as an experience where you did find love, but unfortunately, and through no fault of your own, it wasn't meant to be. Just keep reminding yourself, you did nothing wrong. You were a very kind and loving person to allow him to move in with you when he fell on hard times, and you will always remain the same person. Dave, on the other hand, has a lot of work to do on himself.
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