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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18960
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Up until I was 47, I had really never been in love. I felt

Customer Question

Up until I was 47, I had really never been in love.    I felt levels of love and was married twice but still knew I was missing something.    When I was 47, I met the love of my life on Match.com.    It was instant chemistry.    It was tough meeting someone later in life, when you both have a long separate history, separate homes, kids, etc.    But after about a year, we were at a comfortable level.    We had extremely strong physical feelings for each other and were constantly holding hands, hugging, kissing where ever we were.       We were also best friends, and told each other that many times.    We just enjoyed each other’s company and laughed and talked endlessly.

Two yrs into the relationship, he was laid off from his job.He had been in home building and land development for 25 yrs and was very experienced and respected by others in the industry.This lay off was a result of the housing market crashing and the economy nose diving. I need more space to finish.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
HiCustomer

If you will continue the rest of your question in your reply to this, I would be happy to try to help you, after I have more details about your situation.

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Up until I was 47, I had really never been in love.    I felt levels of love and was married twice but still knew I was missing something.    When I was 47, I met the love of my life on Match.com.    It was instant chemistry.    It was tough meeting someone later in life, when you both have a long separate history, separate homes, kids, etc.    But after about a year, we were at a comfortable level.    We had extremely strong physical feelings for each other and were constantly holding hands, hugging, kissing where ever we were.       We were also best friends, and told each other that many times.    We just enjoyed each other’s company and laughed and talked endlessly.

Two yrs into the relationship, he was laid off from his job.He had been in home building and land development for 25 yrs and was very experienced and respected by others in the industry.This lay off was a result of the housing market crashing and the economy nose diving.After he ran out of his little stash of money, he realized he could not pay his mortgage any longer.Fortunately, his son and 3 of his friends said they would rent it.The plan was for Dave to move in with me, which we were planning on anyway in the future.   He moved in last March and lived with me for 9 months.He tried so hard and could not get a job, and hardly any interviews. It was such a sad situation and very emotional.   I loved him so much and I was completely supportive and always there for him.   I felt so sad for him.   He appreciated everything I was doing to help him, and he loved me very much too.   I am sure of that.    But he started getting really depressed and feeling worthless and felt he was a looser.     Around November last year, he started talking about how he couldnt keep living with me and bringing me and my family down, being a total burden, and that I deserved better.   He completely ran out of money.   He would barely eat the food I bought and got very thin.          

Then another issue evolved.    Two of my daughters had moved back home over the summer.   They were living away at college.   But they transferred to a college close to home and live with me and commute.    They are such wonderful people.   They work jobs to pay for all their own things and have 4.0’s in college.    Dave got along with them and they could talk and laugh comfortably.    But he did not like when they had a guy friend over.    Which was not very often, but one short period of time when they were on college break it was more frequent.    They would just hang out and watch a movie.   Dave would drink wine in the evenings and started saying things about the guys coming over and he didnt like it.   He would say ugly things (and we never argued before this) like “why do you let those creeps (he actually said other names that I won’t say) come over here?”   He would start saying hurtful things to me like “You don’t lay down the law and just let them take over”.    Which was not true, because my daughters didn’t take over anything.   They worked, went to school and study.

I would end up going on the defensive.    I usually had been drinking wine also.   But I realized he was living there for free, and bashing me and my daughters for them having friends over.     One of these arguments I called him a name (which I had never done in the almost 3 yrs we were together and I am not the kind of person to call someone a bad name), Since, has continually beat me up mentally over me calling him a name.    These arguments would escalate and my daughters heard us a couple times.    Dave and I apologized to them but one day Dave noticed they were looking in the newspaper in the real estate section.    I spoke with them that evening and asked what they were doing.   My daughters said they were not happy with the situation in the house with Dave and I arguing and they wanted to move out.   They both work, but are full time college students who already have accumulated student loans and pay for all their things like books, car insurance, etc.   They don’t have that many hours to work and pay rent and everything else.   It would be hard on them.    Dave said that he wouldnt let them move out because of him and he packed and left the next day.    He cried and said he loved me, but it was what he had to do.    That was Dec 22 of last year.    I have completely fallen to pieces and can’t get myself to stop crying, being depressed and wanting him back.

For weeks we’ve been communicating.   He will call and tell me he loves me and misses me so much.   And then the next day he’ll email me and tell me that I need to come to the understanding that this is a permanent situation.   Meaning he’s never coming back.    Then, he will email me the next day saying “love you and miss you”    This has kept me churned up constantly.     I have never loved anyone like this and can’t let go.    But he is letting go.

He asked if I would meet him in a town half way between where we each live (he is now 4 hours away living with his brother) this weekend so we can see each other and share our feelings.   I said I’d rather him come to my house for a few days.   He then called me and said he is never coming back here.   He was really cold and just beating me up about our fights and my daughters moving home and I just cried the whole time.   He said that my daughters moved back home and took over and that I let them and THAT is the real reason he left.   I told him things were different and they don't have anyone over any more.     And he said well that's nice, after I leave things are different, and it's too late.   They didn’t do anything wrong.   I can’t pay for them to live in an apartment like Dave did for his son.

He said my daughters ruined our relationship!   This hurts me beyond belief to hear him say these things.   My daughter are wonderful sweet kind people.   I am so torn over this. I thought he left because of his job situation.   He now says he wont call or email ever again, because it hurts me too much. After all I had put on me to deal with, him moving in without a job, watching him suffer for all those months by seeing what it was doing to him, then him leaving, now he tops it all off by “blaming” me and my family for him leaving.   I guess my question is, how can I come to my own conclusions and closure when it’s all so confusing and my mind is spinning and I am filled with anxiety. How can I sort this out and let it go ? I actually am finally coming to the realization that I am better off without all his problems in my life.   However, it is hard letting go of the love.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks very much for your detailed description of your situation.

I empathize with you, and wish you didn't have to endure such an emotional roller coaster.

I think when Dave lost his job and income and moved in with you, followed by his feelings of despair and depression, he lost his self-esteem, due to all the circumstances, which were, of course, not caused by him, but the downturn of the economy and general depressed state of the nation. He was, and I believe, still is, very depressed, and many of his actions and words were precipitated by the circumstances surrounding him.

While he really had no right to comment on what he felt was proper behavior for your daughters when they had male friends over, because they are not HIS daughters, he chose something to pick on that he felt needed changing, but it was not his place at all. He might have discussed this with you in private, calmly, and given his opinion, but that's really all he was entitled to, an opinion and/or a suggestion, if he felt it was best for your daughters whom you love, if he loves you. This escalated unnecessarily due to his feelings of inadequacy re: not bringing in an income and he needed an outlet, so he picked a fight with you over this particular situation.

When your daughters moved back home, it made him feel even less successful, and added to his low self-esteem and feelings of emasculation. Not only were they in college, maintaining a 4.0 GPA, but they were also working and paying their own way, as much as they could, while he remained jobless and seemingly living 'off' you. Your daughters had every right to move back home and they certainly sound like wonderful, responsible and accomplished women, of whom you must be very proud, and remember, you made them who they are, today; you instilled these values in them, and I say Bravo!

Dave's abrupt departure was very hard on you both, and again, I feel he's only using the situation with your daughters as an excuse to leave, due to his own feelings of inadequacy and depression, however, when he asked you to meet him halfway between the two places you're living, you should have agreed, and I feel that inviting him to your house was a mistake. It was a natural thing for you to say, but it evoked all those previous bad feelings for him, re: why he had to move in with you in the first place, and not being able to support himself. The situation with your daughters was revisited when you suggested he come to your place, and he said the things he did, out of anger and frustration. Your daughters did not ruin anything re: your relationship with Dave. His own actions brought down your relationship, due to the circumstances which caused his depression and feelings of no self-worth, which led to anger with himself, which he took out on you.

I understand completely how hurt and anxious you are, about this unfortunate turn of events, but you made a very wise statement, re: "I am better off without all his problems in my life." After being with him for so long, being in love, and seeing all his good qualities, which you fell in love with, however, when the circumstances changed, it was too much for him to deal with and his personality changed in a negative way.

I don't doubt that it will take you a while to get over him and lament what could have been, with a man you though you truly loved, but everything happens for a reason, and you can attain closure and know that YOU didn't do anything wrong, but realizing that he is now, not the same man you fell in love with, when you first met. It would be advantageous for him to see a therapist to talk things out if he's not able to handle his current circumstances very well, on his own (which has been proven), however, that is a decision to be made by him, and it would be best if you didn't communicate with him again, even if he calls, emails, or whatever.

You were very wise and very strong, to realize you needed to let go of your relationship and I know it's hard to let go of the love. What you need to do is remind yourself of what a wonderful woman you are and how much you have to offer a man, and when you feel ready to start dating again, you will have the opportunity to find someone to love, once more. Please don't compare all men you meet, with Dave. You will not find another Dave; he's a unique individual, but you will find some other man who will have the qualities you seek, and you will have an opportunity to fall in love again. Is it easy? Absolutely not; you've gone through your own personal hell with this relationship, but you did nothing wrong. In a way, it's good that things ended up where they did, because although Dave possesses many great qualities, and that's what drew you to him in the first place, he revealed a side of himself in the end, which hurt you very much. Again, I believe this may not be who he really is, but his personality change occurred due to all his problems; however, he did change and this caused the demise of your relationship.

It might be helpful and cathartic for you to write all this down, re: your feelings, and everything that happened, like a journal. You can also write it as a letter to Dave, which you will never mail. I've done this before, and found it to be very helpful.

I hope things start feeling better for you, soon, and I speak from experience when I say, time really does help heal wounds. You can remember this as an experience where you did find love, but unfortunately, and through no fault of your own, it wasn't meant to be. Just keep reminding yourself, you did nothing wrong. You were a very kind and loving person to allow him to move in with you when he fell on hard times, and you will always remain the same person. Dave, on the other hand, has a lot of work to do on himself.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18960
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Cher,
I had a setback.   Even after your wise words that really helped me cope with things better.    
Unfortunately, I emailed Dave today !   Two times.   I asked him to let me know if something good happens, re: potential job, or getting more unemployment benefits.   I said I still worry about you and care. Then, oh my gosh, I wrote him and asked if we could meet somewhere.   How bad is this? I guess the worst is, he'll ignore me, or write back and say no.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank YOU !

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