Placing the blame on you is unfair and childish and at his age is something he should be over by now. Making love is not about how often, or even how long. Its about spending time alone doing something you both find natural. The problem is he is allowing his needs or wants to interfere in your marriage which is never acceptable.
The fact that he is lying to you and conversing with a girl in a flirt nature is unacceptable. It sounds like he is testing the boundary's to see what he can get away with. Men are not quite as stupid as they often appear and often when we get caught it is because we allow it to happen. It sounds like he is doing this to try and "teach" you a lesson or see how much he can get away with.
Your next logical step is to step in quickly and firmly and let him know that he can not get away with anything nor can he treat you so disrespectfully. Taking a firm hand on this now will prevent further behavior in the future. As much as I hate to say it.........us men are much like children. We tend to think the world revolves around what we want and are always testing boundary's when it comes to getting our own way. While some men eventually move out of this stage many do not without the help of a strong loving women.
Your first step is to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know at the beginning of the conversation that this is not a argument nor is it a fight. Let him know that this is a serious problem in your marriage and something that needs to be dealt with now! Let him know that his comments about your past are hurtful and will not be tolerated. What you did as a child and what you do as a adult are two very different things and he married you as a adult so he needs to learn to deal with it.
Let him know that the sex is a issue........be willing to compromise if you can. Explain that while you love to have sex with him the reality is twice a day is just not what you are interested in. If you are willing to do it once a day let him know that......if not let him know up front what you are willing to commit to. As a man there are other options to gratification and he already knows this. Masturbation is a option and if you do not oppose maybe you can assist him with this. Decide before you talk to him what you are willing to do and what you will do.
The texting is a serious issue and something you need to be firm about.......let him know this is NOT acceptable and that he must end it now or you will have to consider where the marriage is going. I do not often encourage ultimatums but this is a serious issue and one he needs to understand can not continue. Be firm with him and let him know you will not tolerate him disrespecting you in such a way. Let him know these kinds of actions push you away from him and sex so he is really simply cutting off his nose to spite his face.
I would also suggest that you broach the subject of marriage counseling. Right now he is being insensitive and greedy and he must understand that this marriage is not simply about his sexual needs.
Yes, I can completely agree and understand where you are coming from..........and that is a natural feeling. Anytime someone is dishonest with you the trust begins to fade. Men do not associate trust with sex.......this is why he continues without a care in the world. He as a man assumes wrongly that you are just using this as a way to get out of sex.
It sounds like he has some major issues he needs to work on, the blaming you is just a handy excuse for him. Some men need a excuse and they use that one because they are mad at you and want to hurt you as much as you are hurt them by exposing the lying. I know this isn't right, but this is typically how men work.
I am concerned about the anger you are feeling.......that is not healthy for you or your marriage. I understand why you are angry and you have every right to be angry upset and hurt by what he is doing. But when you get this angry you are hurting yourself as well.
As far as him telling you that "if" you become more intimate he will stop........do you really believe this? This is his fall back mode. He knows he needs something to get his own way and since he is already blaming you he can try and use this to get what he wants. Which is childish. You should not be required to prove anything to him, he is the one making the mistakes not you. You may want to turn this around back onto him by telling him "Sure I will be more then happy to become more intimate, when and if you can stop lying and stop the behaviors that are causing me to pull away in the first place". This is a fair offer, and gives him no wiggle room. Try setting up a plan.........if you can go 1 month without lying, testing the girl or drinking I will begin having more sexual relations with you. This way he can not use this as a exuse........if he really wants this he must work for it.
As far as marriage counsling..........trust me no one is going to blame you for this. A counselor never places blame. The counselor sits you both down and helps you both express what it is your feeling and helping you show the other person how this effects the marriage. Marriage counseling is the most under used tool married couples have.
As for telling him you are going to leave and dont........you are right this is not helpful at all. Every time you do this it gives him more courage to keep doing the things he is doing since there is no retribution for him. You may need to go about this a different route........if you can not leave maybe you should consider living together Platonic until you feel more comfortable with him. The fact is something has to give.......no matter how much you love him if he isn't willing to work on this you will eventually regretted your marriage and resent him.
I am more then willing to talk to him if he is willing to be honest and listen to what I have to say. I would love to help you both, and I honestly believe that based on the love you have for him if he is willing to work on this you can have a happy marriage. The fact that he has ADD has very little to do with what is going on in your marriage. He must learn that his actions are what is causing the problem in your sex life.
Also, I will be offline for around 1-2 hours so if you need anything it will be a little while before I can get back to you. I will be back on line around 8pm.
Sorry for the delay.
Walking away is not always the easy way out...........it typically is the way out when you have done everything that can be done and you accept he is not going to change. I do not think this is the case in your marriage. Based on his actions, I think he wants to change but he isn't sure how. He is making very bad choices that continue to take away the things he confesses to wanting and thus he continues to keep digging himself in deeper and deeper.
Why he isn't hiding it is simple..........he is hoping that you will see this and break down and do what he wants. Men are simple creatures, he has messed up and he feels he is being punished by you for his actions. He flaunts his bad behavior in the hopes that you will break down and give him what he wants in order to stop what he is doing. The sad part is that at his age he should be beyond such behavior and actions.
He does not want to end the marriage.........he just wants his own way. He is not planning on walking away because he loves you. He simply wants you to bend to him. Which is the last thing you want to do! Otherwise he will learn that with pressure he can get you to allow anything. A marriage isn't about who is more powerful in the relationship, its about working together to find common ground and build the trust. He must learn this in order to get himself back on track.
As far as being the perfect women, the reality is all men would love for their wives to be that way. Please do not get me wrong here..........we all have our own ideas of perfection. For women it tends to be a man who is not only romantic but thinks about her by helping her with dinner dishes and a romantic back rub at night followed by cuddling and soft pillow talk. Maybe it is a man who takes charge during the day but will bend over back wards to make his women happy. The fact is men are no diffrent.........they to have fantasy's of the perfect women. And typically it is a women who finds them instantly attractive, viral and strong. She would love to have sex when ever he wants it and cater to his needs...........but its just a fantasy no different then yours. Your looking at this as he wants "You" to be like that. When in reality he simply wants to be loved. (In mens terms not nagged, given sex on a fairly regular basis and made to feel needed) The problem is he is allowing other distractions to get in his head.
At home he has you who question him about everything he does and gets on to him for drinking (With good reason I might add) and on the other end of the spectrum he has a girl from work who is flirting with him and offering him everything under the sun to try and get him. (Making him think it is really OK to drink or have fantasy's about other women). The sad reality is the grass is NOT greener on the other side. He may think that it is OK to flaunt this women in front of you by leaving her number there, but the reality is he is not into her. If he was he would be hiding this...........and would be doing more then just texting I might add.
I am concerned that you are becoming peronoid..........the good news is this is natural. He has been lying to you and doing things he knows is bad for his health and this you feel the need to search him out. While it is natural it isn't healthy for you or your marriage. I wish I could say not to search.............but that isn't going to happen. You know he is being dishonest and as a human being you want to know about it.
Your options are few here...........I wish I could say some magic words that would turn him around and get him back on track but the realty is he must work on this. You can do everything under the sun to try and change him but he isn't going to change until he is ready to do so. Since he will not communicate with you, then you need to find someone who he will communicate with.
Here is what I suggest, sit him down and let him know that things can not continue this way. Let him know that since he will not talk to you and will not change you need him to see a therapist as well as marriage counseling. He asks you what he should do so this is a perfect choice.........A therapist will help him get to the root of why he is being self destructive (The drinking, flirting etc) and help him learn healthy alternatives to dealing wth the issues he is having. The marriage counselor will help you both learn how to communicate with each other and work though these problems.
I wish I had a crystal ball and could assure you that everything is going to work out.........but you know life simply is not built like that. All marriages need work, its not a simple matter of saying "I do" and walking off into the sunset to be happy ever after. Some marriages require more work then others. The good news is you are willing to work on it, and I dare say he is too.........he simply needs a helping hand to teach him how to work on it. I do think with time and a good therapist he can get to the root of his problems and learn to be a better husband........the key is if he wants to try or not.
PS: I will be going off line soon to go to my 3rd shift job. Feel free to reply if need be and I will answer in the AM when I get off shift. I typically get back on line around 7am after taking the kids to school.