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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
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Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I am 24. He is 35. We were married in April 2008. Everything

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I am 24. He is 35. We were married in April 2008. Everything seemed relatively ok, except recently he has been telling me he is not getting enough sex and is frustrated. He says he needs it at least twice per day. This is more than i can give and when trying to talk to him about it he just keeps bringing up my past saying that i lost my virginity when i was 15 and was just a slut and if i can do all of that in the past to other people i can do it to him now. I have put my past behind me - i just want to have a happy marriage with trust and understanding. The issue is that he has now lied to me about the same thing 6 times. He has recently started text messaging a girl he works with and they are flirty text messages. HE has done this twice now and i have caught him out twice. When confronted he denies it, until i show him the proof, he still denies it. Then the next day he will finally admit it. I cant keep doing this - he says if i start getting more physical he wouldn't do it. Help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Placing the blame on you is unfair and childish and at his age is something he should be over by now. Making love is not about how often, or even how long. Its about spending time alone doing something you both find natural. The problem is he is allowing his needs or wants to interfere in your marriage which is never acceptable.

 

The fact that he is lying to you and conversing with a girl in a flirt nature is unacceptable. It sounds like he is testing the boundary's to see what he can get away with. Men are not quite as stupid as they often appear and often when we get caught it is because we allow it to happen. It sounds like he is doing this to try and "teach" you a lesson or see how much he can get away with.

 

Your next logical step is to step in quickly and firmly and let him know that he can not get away with anything nor can he treat you so disrespectfully. Taking a firm hand on this now will prevent further behavior in the future. As much as I hate to say it.........us men are much like children. We tend to think the world revolves around what we want and are always testing boundary's when it comes to getting our own way. While some men eventually move out of this stage many do not without the help of a strong loving women.

 

Your first step is to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know at the beginning of the conversation that this is not a argument nor is it a fight. Let him know that this is a serious problem in your marriage and something that needs to be dealt with now! Let him know that his comments about your past are hurtful and will not be tolerated. What you did as a child and what you do as a adult are two very different things and he married you as a adult so he needs to learn to deal with it.

 

Let him know that the sex is a issue........be willing to compromise if you can. Explain that while you love to have sex with him the reality is twice a day is just not what you are interested in. If you are willing to do it once a day let him know that......if not let him know up front what you are willing to commit to. As a man there are other options to gratification and he already knows this. Masturbation is a option and if you do not oppose maybe you can assist him with this. Decide before you talk to him what you are willing to do and what you will do.

 

The texting is a serious issue and something you need to be firm about.......let him know this is NOT acceptable and that he must end it now or you will have to consider where the marriage is going. I do not often encourage ultimatums but this is a serious issue and one he needs to understand can not continue. Be firm with him and let him know you will not tolerate him disrespecting you in such a way. Let him know these kinds of actions push you away from him and sex so he is really simply cutting off his nose to spite his face.

 

I would also suggest that you broach the subject of marriage counseling. Right now he is being insensitive and greedy and he must understand that this marriage is not simply about his sexual needs.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
<p>Thanks Walter i agree with you 100%. He has said himself that if i can't give him sex at least if i can do something it will help ease his frustration. What I am trying to get across (and please tell me if this makes sense to you as a male), is that the more he lies to me and does these things, the more he loses my trust. If i do'nt trust him i cannot make love to him or even WANT to be close to him. I have been so hurt and its the worst feeling. He has told me to trust him that it won't happen again and believe him. So i tried to, then i found messages on his phone again. The other issue is that he has a major health problem which means he is not allowed alcohol. Yet he keeps drinking it behind my back, telling me he hasn't been and i know this is not related to the main topic but its still all lying. Then he has the nerve to tell me if I didn't check up on him all the time he wouldnt do it. The thing is, if he didn't do it, i wouldn't feel like i HAD to check up on him. I have also already sat down and tried talking to him. He closes up and won't talk. In fact, he goes into this little trance type thing where he grits his teeth and closes me out. Then he will just fall asleep. He has ADD - has told me before he cannot open up and talk as he has never been able to. So in fact it is always me talking and asking questions. He's way of 'fixing' or 'talking' through things is to just answer my questions. I've told him no matter what if he really wants me or this marriage to work he needs to open up to me. But this he can't do. Walter I am so torn up inside. I have done things these past few days that i could not even imagine. I have gone crazy, yelling at him so much, i even broke the empty bottle of vodka i found hidden under a car seat. I am beginning to be scared of myself, i just want him to love me. Each time he does something wrong, its always my fault. I would NEVER think about cheating or texting another man in a flirty way. Yet he always accuses me of doing things that he is doing all along. He told me 2 weeks ago that he is really sorry and that he will start trying and that he will NEVER contact this girl again (aside from working with her) and that he will NEVER drink again as he knows this can kill him (even one drink). I wanted to believe him, i relaly did, but i also told him at the time i am going to try to believe him if he starts proving himself. But you know, a week went past and i still couldn't get close to him or even hug him as i was so hurt and doubtful. Then the other day he took his daughter back home and was 4 hours getting back, without contacting me. I got really worried, when he finally did get back he was acting in that trance/daze, which always means that he has done somethng he knows he shouldn't. When confronting him with what he has done he told me that he hasn't done anything and started yelling at me then tripping over. I knew then that he had be drinking at least. so i went and found the evidence, i also found the messages on his phone from the girl which were very flirty. When asking him about it he denied knowing anything about it despite the fact that i had the proof in my hand!! Then he went off into the 'grit teeth' and fall asleep stage. The next day he came and hugged me and apologised, yet expects me just to forgive him and get over it? I love this guy so much. I really do. I have even tried leaving him 3 times due to what he has done, but each time i leave i come back as i can't bear the thought or breaking up a marriage if there is any hope. This time round he has told me that he doesn't know why he lapses into having to contact this girl or having to drink but he is going to try and make sure it doesn't happen again. He tells me if i can start being a little more physical, and just pay him more attention overall it will make things easier. I am happy to do this, but I am so scared. If i get close to him again and i find out he's done something again i will be even more heartbroken. i am so scared. I just want to believe him, but can i? I blame myself in a way, as the last 2 times he has lied to me i have told him that if it happens again i really have to leave as i can't keep going through this. He says he understands that. And when it has happened again i have tried to leave but can't. So now i think he feels that its only a threat that i will never live up to? </p><p>I agree about marriage counselling and so does he - i just don't know if i can't face the blame being put back on me when its not really my fault. </p><p>Can i get him to talk to you via JustAnswer as well so you can see his side? maybe then you can give him some advice and understand as male thing what his thoughts are.</p><p>Its just a boy cries wolf situation for me, he has promised me too many times that he won't do it again but has been, how can i believe him again? He goes off at me for not believing him but how can it? He also keeps putting it back at me that i made him a promise that when we married things in the bedroom would improve (yes, i did make that promise), however, correct me if i'm wrong, but i can only live up to a promise like that if i feel love and trust in the relationship. He tells me that i have lied to him because i promised him that the sex would improve when we got married. How can i live up to a promise like that when i am only feeling used and abused? Each time i tell him that i cannot believe him anymore as he keeps breaking promises, he throws the same thing back on me that i have also broken my promise. The thing is i haven't, I just can't make love to someone and feel turned on by someone who keeps lying to me and breaking my trust can i? I am so confused. I just want this to work out somehow. I can't leave this guy even tho i know i probably should.</p>
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Yes, I can completely agree and understand where you are coming from..........and that is a natural feeling. Anytime someone is dishonest with you the trust begins to fade. Men do not associate trust with sex.......this is why he continues without a care in the world. He as a man assumes wrongly that you are just using this as a way to get out of sex.

 

It sounds like he has some major issues he needs to work on, the blaming you is just a handy excuse for him. Some men need a excuse and they use that one because they are mad at you and want to hurt you as much as you are hurt them by exposing the lying. I know this isn't right, but this is typically how men work.

 

I am concerned about the anger you are feeling.......that is not healthy for you or your marriage. I understand why you are angry and you have every right to be angry upset and hurt by what he is doing. But when you get this angry you are hurting yourself as well.

 

As far as him telling you that "if" you become more intimate he will stop........do you really believe this? This is his fall back mode. He knows he needs something to get his own way and since he is already blaming you he can try and use this to get what he wants. Which is childish. You should not be required to prove anything to him, he is the one making the mistakes not you. You may want to turn this around back onto him by telling him "Sure I will be more then happy to become more intimate, when and if you can stop lying and stop the behaviors that are causing me to pull away in the first place". This is a fair offer, and gives him no wiggle room. Try setting up a plan.........if you can go 1 month without lying, testing the girl or drinking I will begin having more sexual relations with you. This way he can not use this as a exuse........if he really wants this he must work for it.

 

As far as marriage counsling..........trust me no one is going to blame you for this. A counselor never places blame. The counselor sits you both down and helps you both express what it is your feeling and helping you show the other person how this effects the marriage. Marriage counseling is the most under used tool married couples have.

 

As for telling him you are going to leave and dont........you are right this is not helpful at all. Every time you do this it gives him more courage to keep doing the things he is doing since there is no retribution for him. You may need to go about this a different route........if you can not leave maybe you should consider living together Platonic until you feel more comfortable with him. The fact is something has to give.......no matter how much you love him if he isn't willing to work on this you will eventually regretted your marriage and resent him.

 

I am more then willing to talk to him if he is willing to be honest and listen to what I have to say. I would love to help you both, and I honestly believe that based on the love you have for him if he is willing to work on this you can have a happy marriage. The fact that he has ADD has very little to do with what is going on in your marriage. He must learn that his actions are what is causing the problem in your sex life.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Also, I will be offline for around 1-2 hours so if you need anything it will be a little while before I can get back to you. I will be back on line around 8pm.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
<p>Thanks Walter. I am just so confused. Everything inside me is telling me i am worth more than this and should leave but that is just taking the easy way out i feel. Yes, i know relationships are not meant to be easy but i really am just feeling used and abused. If marriage counselling is the only way to work it out then that is something we are going to have to look into. We are basically living in a platonic relationship as it is as i have not been able to even want to be close to him in the last month due to his lies. This does not really seem to be working tho, as he feels i just don't care if i'm not paying him attention. LIke i keep saying to him, i need him to prove himself to me. Now i am paranoid that he is going to keep doing things on the sly and just covering up his actions, like deleting all text messages and getting rid of the alcohol bottles. But then again, he hasn't covered up evidence yet. What i don't get, is if the shoe was on the other foot and i was the one in the wrong, i think i would do my utmost to ensure i wasn't caught out? I wouldn't leave messages on my phone, i wouldn't leave evidence that i had been drinking hidden in the car. So if its a case that he WANTS to be found out, why doesn't he just admit to what he has done rather than deny it knowing that i know what is going on? Thats the bit i don't get. If he honestly doesn't want to be married anymore, why can't he just come out and say it? There is nothing he can say that is going to hurt me more than what he has already done, he knows that. I know that deep down he is the only one who knows how and why he feels the way he does but i don't know how to get him to open up about it. Communication is the downfall here, i am a big talker and he does not talk at all. Each time we face the issue, he asks me what i want him to do. If you are really sorry about something do you really ask your spouse what it is you should do? SHould you not know what to do to fix the issue? I think thats why this is not working, is he keeps asking me what he should do, and never thinks for himself. He says he doesn't know what to do thats why he asks me. I feel like i'm a mother talking to a child, thats not the way its supposed to be. I'm not even allowed to have an emotional 'down' day. LIke all women, i have my days when i get really emotional for no apparent reason. He always goes off at me for being in a slump and not talking to him etc etc etc. Why can't i just be accepted for who i am? I feel like i need to live up to his expectations of a 'perfect' woman. The other week I also caught him out looking at porn sites. When i confronted him the first time he denied it. When he finally admitted to it he said he was just curious, it was nothing deliberate and it did not do anything for him. He was surfing computer sites and found this link, clicked on it out of curiousity, had a look a a few videos to see what they were but he said there was nothing to it and it certianly didn't do anything for him. I know again this may be straying from the topic, but put all of these things together and this is what i am feeling like i have to live up to. Somebody who will send flirty horrible text messages to him, somebody who will allow him to drink without caring about the fact that it could kill him, somebody who will give him all the head jobs in the world, whenever he wants and not question it. I cannot live up to that person he seems to want me to be. I just want to be able to be me. He keeps bringing up my past and the things i have done. the thing is, he wasn't even there, he found out the info from other friends and things i have been telling him. I told him it all so it wasn't like i was hiding anything, i am his wife, i want him to know all about me, good and bad. And instead i got the reverse, him bringing up my past and throwing it back in my face. He goes off at me for not giving him oral sex when i used to give it to others when i was a teenager and stupid. I had a really really bad experience doing all those stupid things, and i never want to do that again. I tell him that and he doesn't care, he just feels put out that i could do those things to others and not him. Who knows, maybe one day i might but i need to feel like the person i am with i can trust. On a side note, I am finding now with the amount of times he has lied to me i am doubting everything he says and does. I am begingging to be paranoid. If he goes down the shop i can't help but ask where he is going and how long he will be. I can't help but look at his phone all the time, i now always go rummaging around the car and bins to find it there's any alcohol bottles. Is this normal? I am not a jealous or paranoid person but for some reason i am now turning into one and cannot help it.</p><p> </p><p>I know you're offline for a bit - i'm more than happy to await your response as you've been so helpful thanks.</p>
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Sorry for the delay.

 

Walking away is not always the easy way out...........it typically is the way out when you have done everything that can be done and you accept he is not going to change. I do not think this is the case in your marriage. Based on his actions, I think he wants to change but he isn't sure how. He is making very bad choices that continue to take away the things he confesses to wanting and thus he continues to keep digging himself in deeper and deeper.

 

Why he isn't hiding it is simple..........he is hoping that you will see this and break down and do what he wants. Men are simple creatures, he has messed up and he feels he is being punished by you for his actions. He flaunts his bad behavior in the hopes that you will break down and give him what he wants in order to stop what he is doing. The sad part is that at his age he should be beyond such behavior and actions.

 

He does not want to end the marriage.........he just wants his own way. He is not planning on walking away because he loves you. He simply wants you to bend to him. Which is the last thing you want to do! Otherwise he will learn that with pressure he can get you to allow anything. A marriage isn't about who is more powerful in the relationship, its about working together to find common ground and build the trust. He must learn this in order to get himself back on track.

 

As far as being the perfect women, the reality is all men would love for their wives to be that way. Please do not get me wrong here..........we all have our own ideas of perfection. For women it tends to be a man who is not only romantic but thinks about her by helping her with dinner dishes and a romantic back rub at night followed by cuddling and soft pillow talk. Maybe it is a man who takes charge during the day but will bend over back wards to make his women happy. The fact is men are no diffrent.........they to have fantasy's of the perfect women. And typically it is a women who finds them instantly attractive, viral and strong. She would love to have sex when ever he wants it and cater to his needs...........but its just a fantasy no different then yours. Your looking at this as he wants "You" to be like that. When in reality he simply wants to be loved. (In mens terms not nagged, given sex on a fairly regular basis and made to feel needed) The problem is he is allowing other distractions to get in his head.

 

At home he has you who question him about everything he does and gets on to him for drinking (With good reason I might add) and on the other end of the spectrum he has a girl from work who is flirting with him and offering him everything under the sun to try and get him. (Making him think it is really OK to drink or have fantasy's about other women). The sad reality is the grass is NOT greener on the other side. He may think that it is OK to flaunt this women in front of you by leaving her number there, but the reality is he is not into her. If he was he would be hiding this...........and would be doing more then just texting I might add.

 

I am concerned that you are becoming peronoid..........the good news is this is natural. He has been lying to you and doing things he knows is bad for his health and this you feel the need to search him out. While it is natural it isn't healthy for you or your marriage. I wish I could say not to search.............but that isn't going to happen. You know he is being dishonest and as a human being you want to know about it.

 

Your options are few here...........I wish I could say some magic words that would turn him around and get him back on track but the realty is he must work on this. You can do everything under the sun to try and change him but he isn't going to change until he is ready to do so. Since he will not communicate with you, then you need to find someone who he will communicate with.

 

Here is what I suggest, sit him down and let him know that things can not continue this way. Let him know that since he will not talk to you and will not change you need him to see a therapist as well as marriage counseling. He asks you what he should do so this is a perfect choice.........A therapist will help him get to the root of why he is being self destructive (The drinking, flirting etc) and help him learn healthy alternatives to dealing wth the issues he is having. The marriage counselor will help you both learn how to communicate with each other and work though these problems.

 

I wish I had a crystal ball and could assure you that everything is going to work out.........but you know life simply is not built like that. All marriages need work, its not a simple matter of saying "I do" and walking off into the sunset to be happy ever after. Some marriages require more work then others. The good news is you are willing to work on it, and I dare say he is too.........he simply needs a helping hand to teach him how to work on it. I do think with time and a good therapist he can get to the root of his problems and learn to be a better husband........the key is if he wants to try or not.

 

Walter

 

PS: I will be going off line soon to go to my 3rd shift job. Feel free to reply if need be and I will answer in the AM when I get off shift. I typically get back on line around 7am after taking the kids to school.

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Walter. You're last reply has made so much more sense to me now (the others were great too!).
I have had to take some days of work as i cannot think or be around people right now. I have been emailing him at work and he has just sent me an email back to say that he has spoken to this girl and asked her not to message him or call him any longer as it is putting his marriage in jeaopardy. Apparently she said that was strange but he made the choice to call her. I'm hoping that is a good thing. I do'nt want to just pretend that everything will be ok now as I still have a lot of doubt. i.e. what did he really say? Did he cover alot of it over or did he honestly say those things to her? But i want to believe him so i am trying to. I am going to print off a few things you sai (not all of them) and show him when he gets in tonight, see if thats how he feels. It so much easier getting another male opinion as you guys get each other more than we get you!
While i was waiting for you to come back online I called the Employee Assistance Program which is a workplace funded counselling program, and i have set up an appointment with a clinical psychologist who deals with alot of marriage issues. Hopefully with your help and theirs, we can put a plan together and make it work. What you are saying is making absolutely perfect sense to me and i truly hope it makes sense to him as well.
I appreciate all your help today thankyou. If I have similar issues again in future, can i ask for you via this or how do I get in contact with you?
Thanks
Tanja
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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