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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1568
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Dear XXXXX,

Customer Question

Dear XXXXX,

I read some relationship advice from you on MSN.com and found your answers to be really really good.    I really could use your help getting over the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life.   This is a long story, but PLEASE read it and help me.

Up until I was 47, I had really never been in love.    I felt levels of love and was married twice but still knew I was missing something.    When I was 47, I met the love of my life on Match.com.    It was pretty much instant chemistry.    It was tough meeting someone later in life, when you both have a long separate history, separate homes, kids, etc.    But after about a year, we were comfortable.    We had extremely strong physical feelings for each other and were constantly holding hands, hugging, kissing where ever we were.    And the actual sex was beautiful.    We were also best friends, and told each other that many times.    We just enjoyed each other’s company and laughed and talked endlessly.
more to come
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Kasher

I think you may be confusing us with the MSN site? We do not have a Karen here, but I am one of the top relationship experts here. I would love to help, if you would like to finish asking your question. Let me know.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes I want to continue with your advice.    My message was so long I have tried sending it in pieces.   
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My whole question did not fit, so this is the second part.Also, in the first part, first paragraph which says "Dear XXXXX, I've read your answers on MSN."Please disregard the comment, I was writing to someone else and I cut and pasted onto "Just Answer."Now here the next part of my story: Two yrs into the relationship, he was laid off from his job.He had been in home building and land development for 25 yrs and was very experienced and respected by others in the industry.This lay off was a result of the housing market crashing and the economy nose diving.After he ran out of his little stash of money, he realized he could not pay his mortgage any longer.Fortunately, his son and 3 of his friends said they would rent it.The plan was for Dave to move in with me, which we were planning on anyway in the future.He lived with me for 9 months.He tried so hard and could not get a job, and hardly any interviews. It was such a sad situation and very emotional.I loved him so much and I was completely supportive and always there for him.I felt so sad for him.He appreciated everything I was doing to help him, and he loved me very much too.I am sure of that.But he started getting really depressed and feeling worthless and felt he was a looser.Around November last year, he started talking about how he couldnt keep living with me and bringing me and my family down, being a total burden, and that I deserved better.He would barely eat the food I bought and got very thin.But he wasnt a burden to me and.He took care of all the yard work, cooked lovely meals, and was my wonderful companion.

Then another issue evolved.Two of my daughters moved back home.They were living away at college.But they transferred to a college close to home and live with me and commute.They are such wonderful people.Dave got along with them and they could talk and laugh comfortably.But he did not like when they had a guy friend over.Which was not very often, but one short period of time when they were on college break it was more frequent.Dave would drink in the evenings and started saying things about the guys coming over and he didnt like it.He would say ugly things (and we never argued before this) like “why do you let those creeps (he actually said other names that I won't say) come over here?”

And then I would go on the defensive.These arguments would escalate and my daughters heard us a couple times.Dave and I apologized to them but one day Dave noticed they were looking in the newspaper in the real estate section.I spoke with them that evening and asked what they were doing.My daughters said they were not happy with the situation in the house with Dave and I arguing and they wanted to move out.They both work, but are full time college students who already have accumulated student loans and pay for all their things like books, car insurance, etc.They don't have that many hours to work and pay rent and everything else.It would be hard on them.Dave said that he wouldnt let them move out because of him and he packed and left the next day.He cried and said he loved me, but it was what he had to do.That was Dec 22 of last year.I have completely fallen to pieces and can't get myself to stop crying, being depressed and wanting him back.

For weeks we've been communicating.He will call and tell me he loves me and misses me so much.And then the next day he'll email me and tell me that I need to come to the understanding that this is a permanent situation.Meaning he's never coming back.Then, he will email me the next day saying “love you and miss you”This has kept me churned up constantly.I have never loved anyone like this and can't let go.But he is letting go. He asked if I would meet him in in a town half way from where both of us live (he is 4 hours away now) this Friday when I'm off so we can see each other and share our feelings.   I said I’d rather him come to my house for a few days.   He then called me last night and said he is never coming back here.   He was really cold and just beating me up about our fights and my daughters moving home and I just cried the whole time.   He said that my daughters moved back home and took over and that I let them and THAT is the real reason he left.   I told him things were different and they don't have anyone over any more.     And he said well that's nice, after I leave things are different, and it's too late.   But I shouldnt even have to defend the situation because Danielle and Michelle were really nice to him and polite and they talked and laughed and got along well.   The didn’t do anything wrong.   I can’t pay for them to live in an apartment like Dave did for his son. And if he couldnt have afforded it, he would have let him live home too until he got through college.

He said my daughters ruined our relationship and that they just broke the rules!   This hurts me beyond belief to hear him say these things.   My daughter are wonderful sweet kind people and there was only a short period of time when their guy friends were coming over.   I don't beleive that is why Dave left, I believe he became a broken man with any feeling of self worth and the guilt of living with me and not being able to provide is the main cause for his departure.   I think he blames my girls as a way of punishing me for some reason.    I am so torn over this.   He now says he wont call or email ever again, because it hurts me too much. I have actually contemplated helping the girls find a place to live in hopes of getting back with Dave.   But I can’t consciously make them move out and struggle to live on their own while in college.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Please close this question.   I re-listed it on 2/18

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1567 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues