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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20814
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Im not worried about this as much as I used to be, but it

Customer Question

I'm not worried about this as much as I used to be, but it still gets to me sometimes. My mom gradually started backing away from me all because I have my boyfriend living with me. Someone she does not really like. The last time I spoke to her, she said that she was resentful. I'm not sure if I did anything wrong and it seems that my mom doesn't want much to do with me because of him.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.

You're 30 and how old is your boyfriend?

When did your boyfriend first start living with you?

How long have you been going out?

Do you know why your mom doesn't care for him; has she ever told you any specifics about her dislike of him?

How often do you see or speak to your mom, now?

Have you always had a close relationship?


Customer: replied 7 years ago.

3 years

15 years

did, but now don't really know. Used to be because she didn't like his attitude.

Not much. Used to be every other week.

Not much

Not really
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

It's possible that your mother feels he's not good enough for you, which is very common with parents, especially of daughters. Once he moved in with you, she probably felt this is becoming 'more serious', and she's concerned for your future. Even if you are not that close and don't speak that often, she's still concerned for you and your future happiness.

When she used the work 'resentful', she may feel that all your time is taken up with your boyfriend and you have no time for her, anymore. Even if you didn't see her that often or do things together on a steady basis, she still may feel that any little 'free' time you have, you're spending with him, and not with her.

She also may feel that because he's younger than you, he's 'taking advantage' and perhaps living 'off' you, instead of paying his own way. I'm only saying she may 'think' this, if she doesn't know all the specifics re: your relationship, and since you're not that close.

It seems that it does bother you or worry you, and it might be a good idea to visit your mother and/or invite her to meet you for lunch and talk about the situation with her. Assure her that you're happy, you're old enough to know what you're doing and you're living together because you want to, and also, it's 'cost effective', which nowadays, is very important and smart! If she doesn't want to meet with you or talk about it, don't push it, but continue to call her every week, just to see how she's doing. This will mean a lot to her.

As long as you're happy in your relationship and with your living arrangements, that's most important.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
1. I thought of that and brought that to my boyfriend's attention. His own mother feels the same way.
2. Younger than me by 3 years.
3. Time. My boyfriend doesn't really care about the fact that wants to spend time with me. In fact, he trying to champion that if you understand what I am saying.
4. We've both tried to talk to her, but she wants no part of it. It seems the rest of my family understands the situation, but my mom doesn't.
5. The financial situation is that we both live off of SSI and he has more bills than I do and by the time he finishes with his end of the bills, he's broke? That is part of the reason he can't help me with my household bills. But we are moving anyway and he's taking care of the rent for both of us.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
By the way, he recently got a job as a freelance photographer, but because he is trying to start his own business, like me, I told him to keep it. I don't want to push it anyway since I don't want to seem like his greedy mother.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for some more details regarding your situation.

Well, if you're both receiving SSI, and now he got a job as a freelance photographer and is going to take care of the rent when you move, that's very encouraging! How long have you both been receiving SSI and are either of you disabled? What kind of business are you trying to start?

Why do you say his mother is greedy? Has she asked him and/or both of you for anything or has she not helped you when you needed financial help?

Are you moving in the same general area, so you'll still be near your families?

I understand what you mean re: him championing that cause, of leaving you more time to spend with your mother, but even so, she doesn't want to.

The relationship between a mother and daughter is very different from any other relationship. This may be why the rest of your family accepts the situation and your mother cannot. Have any of your family members tried to speak to her and get her to be a little more cooperative with you about this situation? If not, can they help?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
We've been disabled all our lives. It's a little harder for him to get a job because of his epilepsy. People seem to be afraid of him and his disability, and that he can't stand, and that my mom can't seem to understand. My boyfriend is trying to start a videography business and I'm doing graphic design.

Same general area, but not that close.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply. I was offline for the night, when you responded.

Well, I understand what makes you good together; you're both artistic!

Maybe this is what's worrying your mom, the fact that he has this disability, and she's afraid you're not going to be able to handle it, down the line (I know you're handling it fine, or you wouldn't be together), and that he won't be able to provide for you in the future.

If it's difficult for you to talk to her face to face, because she won't listen, or because it ends up in an uncomfortable argument, why don't you try emailing (or snail-mailing) her, with a letter from the heart, telling her that you can understand some of her feelings of doubt or worry about your life and your relationship and you know that she loves you, and wants the best for you, but you are still the same person and you love her and will always be her daughter, no matter what. You deserve happiness and he makes you happy, so you wish she could be happy FOR you and accept your current living situation.

Maybe she got really worried when you started living together, thinking this is getting more serious, will most likely end up in marriage, and she's afraid it might not turn out well for you.

Try your best to re-cultivate your relationship with your mother, and if she still refuses, at least you'll know you tried your best.


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